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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

192 replies

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 21:32

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

OP posts:
BelleateSebastian · 30/06/2014 21:51

He must have some hidden agenda to have such a large repertoire of 'rape jokes'.

prism · 30/06/2014 21:55

I am really sorry to hear that you feel guilty about telling him that you feel upset. There is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty about anything and I do hope you'll be able to allow yourself to speak your mind as you are fully entitled to do.

You need to do what is best for you, which almost certainly means stopping seeing him, and telling him how you feel and how inappropriate he is being.

There is no such thing as a joke about rape.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause · 30/06/2014 22:00

The thing is, rape isn't funny. I doubt he'd be making so many rape jokes if he had been raped. Or if there was someone he cared about who had been raped.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2014 22:01

3 months in ? Really ?

Bin him. You owe him fuck-all.

patienceisvirtuous · 30/06/2014 22:02

He sounds pretty sinister to me...

Dump. Him.

Beautifulmonster · 30/06/2014 22:02

Omg. I don't know any man who would do this - friend, colleague, father, brother, partner, acquaintance, no one. Why did you ever see him again after the first time he did it? It would make my stomach churn and I haven't been through what you have.

Beautifulmonster · 30/06/2014 22:04

And how could you actually feel loving enough towards him to have sex with him (assuming you do?)

alphabook · 30/06/2014 22:05

JustTheRight I would agree with you that some men joke about rape. My ex and his mates did. However he is an ex for a reason, spending time with him and his friends was like babysitting a bunch of 10 year olds. As an older and wiser adult I don't choose to spend time with those sorts of people anymore.

Meerka · 30/06/2014 22:06

absolutely nasty. There -is- a subculture that references this horrible thing casually ( :( Angry ) but it's casual, like justtherightbullets says. For him to use this as a joke to you, knowing the situation, is extremely inappropriate to the point of him being cruel and sinister.

Please don't see him again. In your particular circumstances I'd say that this man is highly untrustworthy. Please look after yourself and back away very fast.

MorrisZapp · 30/06/2014 22:07

Are you sleeping with this idiot? Surely being single would be better than this.

Guitargirl · 30/06/2014 22:10

It might be a weird way of him processing what has happened to you but I am thinking charitably there.

His 'jokes' are wildy inappropriate and hurtful. I would sit him down and call him on it and depending on how he explains himself think about whether you want to stay in such a relationship.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 22:11

LTB

Just that.

You have known him for 3 months and he's already being a world class twunt.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 22:18

Thanks everyone.

I wasn't really expecting this sort of response. Most men I know have joked at some point about rape or something else pretty sinister. I felt a bit like it was my problem I had to deal with and that's why I let it slide.

This time round though I do find its getting too much for me. I have now brought it up with him thanks to all of you. His response was one of surprise and apologies. He said he didn't want to sneak around the subject and that he jokes about anything. Im going to have a think about things, my heads all over the place recently as alot has been going on.

OP posts:
JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guitargirl · 30/06/2014 22:22

He was surprised!?! Is the man dense as well as insensitive?

Sorry OP that you are going through this. It does sound, going on what you've told us, as though you would be much better off without him.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 30/06/2014 22:24

He'd probably find it slightly more difficult to joke about rape if he'd been raped. Even if it's true that he jokes about 'anything' (a dreadful quality) he surely doesn't need to tell FOUR rape jokes in one weekend? To someone raped in the last 3 months? I mean really.

Smelsa · 30/06/2014 22:27

He doesn't respect you. It's clear from that update. You don't have to put up with people like this just because you are shy and don't like a fuss. Ditch him and find someone who doesn't treat you like that.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRoom · 30/06/2014 22:30

What tribpot said. He's insensitive to the point of it being pretty disgusting, actually. Who in their right mind tells four rape-related jokes in one weekend, and to a recent survivor of rape, too? Is he emotionally dead, or something?

Get rid. He's a fucking idiot.

RedRoom · 30/06/2014 22:31

^^By recent, I meant that you'd recently told him.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2014 22:32

At least, he is a wind up merchant

At worst, he is enjoying triggering you

Are you going to get shut of this prick ? I can only imagine he is hindering your recovery.

HeeHiles · 30/06/2014 22:33

sinister........

Sorry if I am totally off track here but the poster who wrote this word summed up your OP but you have only known him a few months, do you think there might be a connection between him and your recent rape? Just seems really odd that he finds the whole thing amusing, my blood ran cold when you said you had been attacked since you met him.