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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

192 replies

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 21:32

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

OP posts:
Maleducada · 01/07/2014 11:45

how2bringitup don't reply in long complicated explanations of your feelings because it will be like a court case,, where you have to justify your right to have your own feeling! and he will be like the cross examining barrister!

The others are right. You owe him nothing, so if you text back, don't respond directly to his feelings. text short texts like 'i don't want to go out with you anymore'. 'This is not for me'. 'I want to be single'.

it is exhausting. Get out now while it's clear to sane acquaintances of his that you owe him nothing. a few years down the line that feeling of owing somebody something weighs more heavily when you're trying to get away.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 11:46

ps thank goodness you don't live with him

Hooray Brew Flowers

That's how relieved I feel on your behalf.

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 01/07/2014 11:46

Omg Annie - my ea ex used to do that to me. If we were walking on the pavement of a busy road, he wouldn't let me walk on the side nearest the road, and he would have to always hold my hand at all times. Just one of the more subtle ways he tried to treat me like a child.

Op you are well rid.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 01/07/2014 11:48

Oh you're not living together, brilliant. No brained then, goodbye misogynistic arsehole

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 11:48

Actually "no you're right, I don't need this either, let's cut our losses, goodbye*.

That is an excellent response.

I also like the "get lost" that somebody suggested. That is good too! He doesn't deserve more.

Meerka · 01/07/2014 11:49

Think you dodged a bullet there, how2bringitup

Even if somehow overall he could appear a reasonable guy, those 'jokes' in the context of your situation are just a total dealbreaker.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 11:50

Then you can simply cut off all contact. Brilliant, well done.

Whocansay · 01/07/2014 11:52

Do you really need to hear any more from him? He's still blaming you. He's not sorry. Text back with LiberalLibertines's response.

Vivacia That is the most powerful argument I've read in a long time. I'm really glad you posted it.

Lweji · 01/07/2014 11:57

no you're right, I don't need this either, let's cut our losses, goodbye
Yes to this.

flipchart · 01/07/2014 12:03

Look your a grown woman, you know he is a twat, you've been with him only 3 months, owe him nothing and we are at 160+ posts now just saying the same thing.
You've had more than enough sensible advice and we are going round in circles now.

This is just prolonged drama now. Just ended it.

BeCool · 01/07/2014 12:11

You don't need to argue with him. You don't need to fight with him. He's not hearing you and he never will. He's a rubbish BF of 3 months - you can move on very easily.

Send the brief text recommended above, and move on.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 12:17

In that article about rape jokes, I like the question it suggest men who make these jokes ask about themselves: "who do you think would feel more comfortable around me when I make these jokes, rapists? or people who've been raped".

The answer should be obvious.

Vivacia · 01/07/2014 12:19

Well done OP.

But this, "Or have you been talking to someone?" is a very strange comment for him to have made.

trufflehunterthebadger · 01/07/2014 12:20

Dump and run, op, dump and run.

Unless you want to be one of my repeat, escalating DV cases in about 6 months time, because that's the only future you have with this psycho chap

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 12:25

Yes Vivacia, like as though he thinks the OP couldn't possibly draw a line in the sand herself, somebody must have given her a higher bar, or 'notions'. It is incomprehensible to him that she herself could have ruminated over his behaviour and found it strange and unwelcome. Somebody must be poisoning her against him! the poor victim !

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 12:25

What I mean is, it kind of shows how he sees her as a nice blank canvas.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 12:58

OMG, "have you been talking to someone?" is all too familiar as well. Because you can't possibly think for yourself, silly little thing that you are.

Sometimes I think they all have a copy of the script...

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 13:01

Maleducada, I am beginning to wonder whether you may be my long-lost twin sister.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 13:21

You helped me a lot in the past Anniegetyourgun. You and Mathanxiety.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 13:22

Ooh did we? I'm very glad :)

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 13:23

My x's own sneer was "did you read that in a magazine?". That did nicely whenever he was presented with any sound logical reasonable argument for relinquishing power or judging me less or being more generous, or kind, or decent....

Lweji · 01/07/2014 13:26

As it's veering a little, I just want to say to Maleducada "did you mean to be so rude"? Grin Wink
And back to the thread...

I hope you have dumped him meanwhile, OP. He's telling you who he is so early in the relationship that it can only end very badly.

kaykayblue · 01/07/2014 13:50

Hi OP,

Er...this man sounds horrific. Now he is trying to pressure YOU into apologising by making veiled threats about breaking up with you. It's basically an ultimatum of "accept that I am going to say things which hurt you and not give a shit, or I leave you".

Hmm. What a choice.

Please just leave this relationship now - it's only been three months, so it can be an easy break.

Text him saying "I think you're right. You don't need this, and I don't need some-one who thinks rape jokes are funny, and that apologies are beneath them. I'm done - we're finished".

Then just ignore every other text that he sends you. He will go from disbelief to pure rage that you would have the audacity to dump him. Him!! Such a "Nice Guy" (TM)

captainmummy · 01/07/2014 13:51

Hope you do dump, OP.

He 'tells jokes about everything?' So he would have no problem telling paedophile jokes to a child-abuse-victim? Or N*** jokes to a 6'6 20 stone black man? No? I bet not. Or if he does, he deserves everything he gets Grin

kentishgirl · 01/07/2014 13:56

Send him a dumping text. You've had good suggestions. Then either block his number or delete any replies without opening, and don't answer phone to him. This spider isn't going to let his fly go without a fight - don't respond in any way.