His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

[How2Bringitup]

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

No one ever needs to give anyone justification for a break up. It really is OK to just dump him without engaging with his headfuckery. It is meant to make you keep engaging with him for long enough that you might change your mind about breaking up with him.

He upsets you, he does it repeatedly and deliberately and then blames you for his actions. You don't need any more reason than this to send him a dumping text and then to never engage with him again.

Wow, he's quite clearly a textbook abuser. All that stuff about you trying to get a reaction and he knows why is really chilling - it's his way of telling you that he's going to be horrible to you and blame you; his way of saying "look what you're going to make me do".

OP, you come across as someone really sweet and caring, but you've probably not had a lot of experience in your life of people being genuinely caring and respectful to you. Anyone can be nice to people when things are going their way, or when it suits them. Serial killers can be perfectly pleasant when they're feeling okay! That's not what you judge a person on, you judge them on how they act and react and speak when things aren't going their way.

You're a nice, decent person. You can have a relationship with a genuinely nice man who will be sweet, caring, funny, understanding, and respectful ALL the time, without being jealous, telling rape jokes, and the rest. But you've got to heal yourself and love yourself, as hippy as that sounds. If you don't learn to value and love yourself, you'll forever be vulnerable for falling for the first arsehole who shows you a bit of attention. Be the best possible role model for your Dd and show her that women do not tolerate this treatment.

I'm so glad that you've decided that enough is enough. Be proud of yourself.

He says: "have you been talking to someone?"

He thinks: "damn, I've been busted. Someone has been giving her advice and opening her eyes".

Please run op. This is the PERFECT chance. Quick text response, goodbye. This is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself and your dd

Agree with Oxford absolute text book abuser. If i didn't know that my ex is a gazillion miles away, I'd think you were dating him.

Have you read this, he's here.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Now that you know he's abusive, you need to do the following:

End it. Permanently. Sever all ties - Use Police to back this up if you need to.

Get yourself on the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Read Why Does He Do That?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft

excerpts here www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf

Great links hissy.

There's something in that third link about feeling entitled to forgiveness. That strikes a chord for me as no matter what my x did to me, no matter how abusive, he was entitled to my forgiveness.

Run run run
he does not respect women and sounds like he doesnt respect you
i'm so sorry to hear all you have been through.x

Thank god you've rumbled him!

Actually Maleducada (and I very much doubt that you are btw:)) I only skim-read that 3rd link myself, and having looked at it again (even though I have read the book) there's a few point that have actually jarred me!

After all this time!

Undermining your progress in life That Fucker lost me at least 1 job, and didn't make me feel good about the other I got to (eventually) replace it.

He undermined every spark of pleasure/hope/happiness. Every birthday, (even our son's), christmas, you name it.

TBH id just dump him at this stage.

The more you've said about this man the more chilling it gets. Classic emotionally abusive behaviour, get rid of him.

but it really feels like you pushing me to get a reaction and in my experience there's usually a reason why

He is projecting op. Making out he is the victim & you are the baddy.

I find it a chilling coincidence that you were raped a week after breaking up with this "rescuer"

I hope I'm completely wrong but is there any way he could have been complicit in the rape? Does he know your ex, is there any way he could have set you up to be at risk?

It's just that it was so convenient for him, but I hope I'm completely on the wrong track here

OP, I know it feels really awful to cut yourself off from one of the few people who are in your life... But really, you don't need him, and he is taking away your inner resources and ability to heal yourself.

From that text, it's all becoming very clear isn't it? He doesn't want to have a fair and civilised relationship with you. There is something very wrong with this man, and you cannot help him as he absolutely doesn't want help. What you need to do is protect yourself and walk away, as quickly as you can.

Good luck

Fucking hell, the alarm bells are deafening me. Get this idiot out of your life. He's abusing you and controlling you.
End it now, before it gets any worse.

Madonna, that crossed my mind too :(

But I see that the OP said it was her DC father :( :(

This man IS abusive love. maybe an '7' to your ex's '10', but there is no acceptable level of abuse.

I know you said you thought that you had dealt with this, but if you haven't dealt with it, only buried it, it WILL still be there and you WILL still be susceptible.

Please do the Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency.

Hi op just read the entire thread. Please use this opportunity to say goodbye. Use one of the suggested texts, or tell him he is completely right he doesn't need this shit so you are setting him free.

He is abusive and you don't need this.

"He likes to have reasons to look after me. He makes me jealous on purpose so that he can see me squirm and then reassure me, he found out I was quite a jumpy person and will jump out on me so he can see me scared and then comfort me afterwards. He goes from 0-100 very quickly with his tempers. The reason I broke things off with him in the first place is because of his jealousy (thought every time someone came over I was sleeping with them - even 2 old friends that are a couple) and how many times he'd started arguments. He does seem to like to rock the boat so he can make things better afterwards."

This is classic abusive behaviour. It undermines your confidence and increases your sense of dependence upon him.

Accusing you of being angry because he is doing this to you in a huge, huge way with the rape "jokes" not because his behaviour is appalling, but only because "someone else has been talking to you" is also classic abuser territory. He doesn't think you can think for yourself, and is suspicious that someone else is giving you a more clear-eyed perspective on what is happening... and he wants to know who they are, so he can isolate you from them and that support.

This man is an abuser. You need to cut contact, and you need to contact Women's Aid, and I think you would hugely benefit from the Freedom Programme so you know to spot such vile wastes of oxygen in future.