His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

[How2Bringitup]

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

Are you just kind of dating him?....how much time have you been spending together....

Look love, at 3 months in he is just someone you are dating. He isn't a life partner, I wouldn't even call him your "boyfriend"

Just drop him. Why is it so difficult to imagine ?

I'm coming to this late, but I completely agree with those saying you should run a mile.

You will find so many lovely men out there. You'll find men who are loving and caring and decent. This is not that man. This man is a misogynist. I'm sorry.

(And here, excuse me for being a bit right-on, but I'm going to take issue with the third response to this thread. liberal said 'What? Either he has learning difficulties or He does know he's upsetting you.' I have a learning difficulty. I am perfectly capable of understanding that rape jokes are misogynistic crap, thanks very much. I'm making this point because it needs stressing that this is not some trivial failure of understanding. This is a misogynist. It's not difficult to understand the situation. He's saying these things because he understands perfectly well, and he's a misogynist.)

Are you living together?

OP, it's very common for women who've been abused to end up with men who abuse them in a different way, because on their mind, they've got a model of what abuse means to them.

You have been abused, and rape, and you also have a daughter. Explain to me again why either of you need to have any association with a man who thinks the brutal violation of females is funny, and gets annoyed if he's asked not to obsessively joke about it... ?

Again, you need to be a,one, and you need to heal. You need therapy, to deal with your past (the abuse and the rapes). Until you take time to work on yourself, you are very likely to keep getting involved with abusers. It breaks your inner compass of what's okay and normal and what's not, and what you deserve from life and love. Just be alone with your girl and heal that inner compass. It's not only what you deservem but it's what she deserves. Don't teach her that women should be treated this way.

He sounds sadistic.

He has just carried on the conversation and got a bit angry with me because I told him I was surprised that he would use it humorously when its just happened to me. He said 'I joke about anything, you know that. I wont do it again, what else do you want me to say?! Seems like your trying to cause a fight'

What you'd like him to say is 'sorry' and to acknowledge and regret the pain he's caused you. That's what a decent human being would do, they'd be mortified when they realised how insensitive they been and caused you upset.

He isn't, instead he accuses YOU of picking a fight!

Please, cut contact as he's not caring and lacks empathy. Doesn't take a genius to work out joking about rape with a recently raped woman is a big no no.

If he can't even see that, just think of what else he's capable of doing.

Well, that explains why he seems like the nice guy in comparison. But he really, really isn't.

I think you need to spend some time focusing on yourself. Counselling for the rape and the previous abusive relationship, rebuilding your self-esteem and generally recovering from an era of shit men who don't respect women. Important for your daughter to grow up seeing you respect yourself and expecting respect from those in your life.

I don't know if he is an abuser or a potential abuser, or just a nasty twat.

What I DO know is that there are plenty of lovely men out there who will treat you so much better than this, will not treat you with utter disrespect, will not joke about the awful thing that was done to you, and will not try to manipulate you into stopping complaining about his vile 'jokes'.

Please dump this sorry excuse for a human being and go find yourself a decent person to love who will love you and treat you with respect.

This is a seriously horrible human being, I'm afraid. I don't see how he can bring anything good to your life, if this is his attitude. He is saying, when you cut out the waffle and distraction, that his "right" to laugh about the ultimate woman-hating, violently-dominating act matters more than your right to feel safe after twice being the target of men who are inadequate enough to attack in this way, and you have no right to challenge him on his repeatedly reminding you of events he know caused great pain.

He's either thinking he matters so much you don't matter at all, or he's actively trying to hurt you. The first makes him an unrepentant narcissist and the second a complete sadist. Though he could, of course, be both.

This isn't so much a red flag as a screaming siren.

And to add to what LRD just said, my brother has ASD and finds rape jokes highly offensive. And when he does say tactless things (on other topics), he is always contrite, even if he struggles to understand why he's offended - his only focus, though, is to make sure he doesn't do it again.

Behaving like this vile pig has nothing to do with having SN, or low intelligence (not linking the two, please note), it's to do with being a misogynist and an abuser.

Don't waste another second of your precious time!
In all my life, I have never heard a man make a rape 'joke', least of all to a victim of rape.
He is disgusting.
Are you trying to start an argument with him? You should be! Start the argument and finish it: by finishing with him.
The prospect of having sex with a man who makes rape 'jokes' is about as appealing as Robin Thicke.

I broke things off with him a week before the rape but we were still talking. When it happened I wanted someone to talk to and he was there. He came round and spent alot of time helping me out.
Ive got awful anxiety, it was bad before, but since that happened a few weeks ago I've not been able to leave the house. We never really talked about what was going on between us as I had other things to think about.
I didnt want to be on my own either. I hate saying that, I know I sound weak and pathetic but that's just how it is right now, I'm trying to hold myself together and I dont have very many people around.

"I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset."

This is the problem, right here. You need to wise up, and fast. You need to be able to understand that, actually he is intentionally trying to upset you. But he will never admit to that, no matter what you say to him.

Abusive men (such as the one you are with) seek out women such as yourself (and such I used to be) who can't imagine how unspeakably awful one human being can be to another.

The fact is, you were recently raped, and he is deliberately making jokes about it. And when you asked him not to, he got angry with you. You can't understand why anyone would do this, so instead of seeing what is right in front of your face - a total piece of shit - you were looking for other reasons to understand "why" he would say it, and you are internalising the bad feeling (e.g. feeling guilty for bringing it up) instead of putting the responsibility where it lies - with the utter lowlife who is enjoying making rape jokes to a rape victim.

You should be proud of yourself for starting this thread, it is your voice of reason questioning his fog. And if you stay with this man, he will surround you with fog and get you doubting your own feelings - because he treats you nicely on the surface, he couldn't mean it could he? Yes he could and he does. This man takes pleasure in making fun out of you.

Run, please. It took me years to understand the simple truth. There are some fucked up people in the world, and some of them mean you harm. Even sometimes ones who say nice things to you and make you feel wanted. Look at what's actually going on not what he says. And please don't whatever you do fall into the trap of trying to get him to admit what he's done, or understand how you feel. It'd be a monumental waste of time. Anyway, he probably can't properly understand how you feel, just as you don't really understand how anyone can be so cruel. In normal relationships, if you decide it's just not workingm you owe the other person an explanation. If the other person is abusive or manipulative, you don't owe them anything, no sit-down-chat or whatever you would do with someone who deserves respect.

Someone who jokes about rape to a rape victim doesn't deserve their feelings taken into consideration in any way.

Just do what you need to to get away.

And I managed to delete the most important part of this, which was to say how incredibly and truly sorry I am that you have had to cope with such abuse, and to suggest that if you haven't already, you contact Women's Aid for advice on counselling and legal help to protect yourself and your dd in future.

I've never heard a man make such a joke either.

Please, please reread Wiggly's post.

He sounds potentially physically abusive. He is already emotionally abusive. You need to get rid for yourself, but also for your daughter. He can offer you nothing but increased anxiety, insecurity and despair.

Sorry, I hope that didn't sound too harsh! ^^ It's what I wish someone had said to me at the beginning of the relationship I had with an abusive man. The signs were there but I couldn't see them.

"I'm trying to hold myself together and I dont have very many people around."

You have us. We won't go away, I promise. Keep posting and we'll see you through xxx

Have you spoken to anyone professionally about the rapes?

Do you know about www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

Yes great posting by Wiggley....

And if he is staying in your home ask him to leave and give you some space....do you have anyone in Rl who can help out or stay for a while. ....Have you confided in anyone else?

I hate the way I am feeling about this man. I think he seems to feel empowered by your vulnerability. I fear he may become controlling.

Don'tknow

big hugs and as the others have said you don't need this person in your life. I hope you can find the strength to tell him it is over...........he's not moved in with you has he?

OP, if he's telling you that you're responsible for his anger when you try to talk to him about his shitty behaviour, you can bet that, despite whatever he's said, he thinks you're responsible for the rape.

Another one here who has never heard a man make a joke like that. Some bizarre power play is happening here. Run for the hills.

Sorry How2