His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

[How2Bringitup]

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

He has issues himself. He's deliberately making you uncomfortable and it's sounds like he's getting off on it, to do it so often.

He sounds EA himself.

this could be interesting

I'm really shocked that you think these behaviors are normal.

You have only been together for three months. You can surely cut ties with him? Don't do this to your DD.

I dont know how I will use those thoughts, part of me is still thinking that they dont necessarily mean anything sinister.

You have been so worn down that you don't know what a normal loving relationship is anymore. The stuff he is doing is sinister, designed to keep you needing him.

Everything you have said about him & his behaviour is sinister. He isn't a "rescuer", rescuers are usually nice people who want to do too much for someone!

He is testing your reactions by making you jealous, keeping you jumpy & on edge by jumping out at you & scaring you.

He is hindering your recovery & keeping you reliant on him. He knows you are vulnerable, not more than ever & is using it to his own gain.

I know that the thread has moved on somewhat, and in a very serious direction for the OP, so I hope you will forgive me posting to this article about "rape jokes".

www.shakesville.com/2011/03/feminism-101-helpful-hints-for-dudes.html

Holy shit, how many red flags do you need?

Please dump him.

this is NOT nice tender caring.

This is one hell of a creep who needs "cruel weirdo, I'll break your arm so I can do everything for you" tattooing on his forehead.

OP, you sound a genuinely lovely and nice person who is lacking in confidence in herself, but as someone said, the fact you posted the questoin at all shows that somewhere, you've got that necessary instinct to look after yourself. Please, please use it.

He sounds terrifying

This is really, really bad:

He makes me jealous on purpose so that he can see me squirm and then reassure me, he found out I was quite a jumpy person and will jump out on me so he can see me scared and then comfort me afterwards. He goes from 0-100 very quickly with his tempers.

JohnFarley
I'm not saying these are normal. Anyone looking at the behaviours I've listed can see they aren't right but that's because that's what your seeing, a clear list, not an overall character. Its different when its dispersed among normal behaviour and acts of kindness or support. I was explaining away all those things at the time...

-He went for these troubled people because he was kind and patient
-He was jealous because he thought so much of me that he couldn't understand why people wouldn't want to be with me.
-He made me jump because he was playful and jokey.

• He had a quick temper because he was passionate and slightly insecure.

This is all the stuff I would tell myself and it seemed like the viable option when putting his kindness and charm into the picture too.

This guy is bad news. He is not a good partner. Good partners don't EVER make jokes about rape, especially to rape victims, and they don't create drama and pick fights and make accusations of cheating so that they can make you feel better afterwards.

He sounds very manipulative and misogynistic. Please dump him, take some time out from relationships and figure out why your self-worth is so low that you will put up with this kind of crap.

All of the "good" stuff in the relationship doesn't make up for his shit - and it's not even really "good" - it's all part of a cycle of manipulation designed to keep you from questioning his abuse of you.

If you stay with him you will become locked in a long-term abusive relationship which you will find harder and harder to leave.

It's understandable how you saw his behaviour, and it was designed so that you wouldn't think much of it, but I do hope you can see it now for what it is.

op

If he made you jump once, or accused you once, or made a rape home once, then ok perhaps he could apologise and move on. But it's not one offs it's repeated behaviours.

My dh, partner of 14 years has never made a rape joke, gotten verbally abusive and directed the c word at me, has never accused me of sleeping with friends.

It's not normal. It's not ok.

Stop minimising.

Do you see his 'good' behaviour for what it really is now op? Trust your instincts and don't try and explain it away!

What planet is he on? It's wrong that a rape survivor should have to explain to a so-called friend why his sense of 'humour' is so out of place when just 3 months on, she is not ready and equipped to do so.

I think if you were told by a woman you knew that her DP did this make her jealous/rattle her cage thing especially following a traumatic ordeal you'd be upset on her behalf - please don't let this man do this to you.

Doing the simple maths, this guy has been offensive/ scary/ angry on most of the dates you've had.

He has shown you repeatedly who he is. You must be seeing an awful lot of him for him to have crammed in kind and supportive behaviour too.

You have a kid. You've been with this guy for twelve weeks.

Why aren't you just walking away? What is your relationship history? Have you ever had a decent partner?

He was jealous because he thought so much of me that he couldn't understand why people wouldn't want to be with me.

XH used to try that line on me. Even when I believed he was sincere I found it insulting rather than flattering, because as an autonomous adult I am quite capable of rejecting an unwelcome advance - but that was the point, wasn't it, he didn't see me as an autonomous adult. (He also used to tell me to look both ways before I crossed the road, not to ask any strange men to hold my handbag and/or the baby, and on one memorable occasion asked whether I was aware that I should wipe my bottom from front to back as he had just seen it on the telly. I was 42 years old at the time.)

Anyway, the line is bullshit, and justifies all kinds of controlling arsery. Do not buy it.

Jesus, he sounds awful. Just dump him

You are still finding reasons and excuses for his behaviour

You are your own worst enemy.

This isn't "love" he feels for you...he simply wants to control you. And right now, you are a lamb to the slaughter.

It's been only 3 months you owe him nothing. Nothing at all.

I cant do this any more. Your all right.

Hes currently sending me angry texts after I replied to his 'I take it your pissed off with me' with
'I'm perplexed. I didn't expect you to get pissed off with me for telling you that I was upset with something. I'm annoyed you thought I was trying to start a fight. It wasn't the reaction I expected. The way your talking is more defensive than apologetic. Your blaming me for feeling upset from your actions. Like there's a level of upset I should be feeling and any more than that and I'm accused of digging at you.'

His reply was - 'What?! I don't need this! Every bloody time I got home you find something to argue about. Its as if you want an excuse for us to argue when I'm not about and it all feels too familiar. I do see where your coming from and I see that I'm wrong but it really feels like you pushing me to get a reaction and in my experience there's usually a reason why. Just don't see why this wasn't mentioned till I got home, well I have an idea why. So why didn't you mention it before? Or have you been talking to someone?'

This is all exhausting and I'm not going to deal with it anymore.

Just tell him to get lost

Thats great, wash your hands of him and don't look back. Best of luck.

Were you living together ?

'Have you been talking to someone' says it all.

Just text back...No you're right,I don't need this either, let's cut our losses.goodbye.

No not living together