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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

192 replies

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 21:32

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

OP posts:
Maleducada · 30/06/2014 22:34

AS poussay says, he's obviously not disgusted by rape. He knows you've been raped, he knows it upset you and yet he 'jokes' about rape to you.

I think he's laying the groundwork there, seeing just how badly he can treat you.

Please dump him.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OxfordBags · 30/06/2014 22:36

To me, this is a big red flag. Men with abusive tendencies often test women in the early stages of relationships to see if she'll put up with certain things or not. Even though you don't laugh, and complain, you continue to be in a relationship with him when he makes not just one, but multiple rape jokes to you, a rape victim. He's testing to see if he can emotionally abuse you... and unfortunately, by the very act of staying with him, you are informing him that he has the green light to do so.

I'm on no way saying you're responsible for his actions, no way, but if you choose to stay with someone who is being so crass and vile and hurtful, then you are choosing to let this continue. He's shown you what sort of man he is - a fucking pig - so you need to decide not so much if you'll stay with him, but really ask yourself why you would stay with him.

Even if you'd never been raped, a man who finds rape so humourous that he has some sorrt of obsession with making rape jokes, going so far as to deliberately create scenarios where he can drop rape jokes into then, is a misogynist scumbag who no woman should date, much less a rape victim. He is actually being verbally sexually abusive to you with these 'jokes'. Think about that, OP.

And no normal persom needs it explsining to them that rape isn't funny, and especially not to victims. By doing that, you've also shown that you'll make yourself be responsible for his actions and find excuses for them.

You need time to heal properly and deal with this latest horrible event. That's not going to happen with Mr RapeHilarity, is it?

OxfordBags · 30/06/2014 22:37

Some quality bad typing there, sorry.

BeCool · 30/06/2014 22:38

I'd dump him PDQ.

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 22:41

JustTheRightBullets
He said he will be more tactful in the future.

He has just carried on the conversation and got a bit angry with me because I told him I was surprised that he would use it humorously when its just happened to me. He said 'I joke about anything, you know that. I wont do it again, what else do you want me to say?! Seems like your trying to cause a fight'

I dont know. When I try and turn it around I just cant imagine joking about something like that or doing anything that would possibly upset someone. I can possibly see how something might slip out accidentally if its on your mind and your trying to avoid the subject, but this many times?

OP posts:
Smelsa · 30/06/2014 22:41

He's sucking you in :(

Maleducada · 30/06/2014 22:42

yes Oxfordbags, I was in an abusive relationship (i left nearly a decade ago now) but I just stayed silent when he came out with misogynist views really early on. Silence, and not dumping him does spell out to these types that you will accept their abuse.

I did used to think back to a point quite early on in the relationship and wonder why I on earth I didn't listen to the signs.

As they say on mumsnet 'a man tells you who he is if you listen'

Maleducada · 30/06/2014 22:44

So you can't talk to him. You can't ever ask him to consider your feelings in his decision about how to behave? Basically, he knows how distressed you are and he has reacted in a way that heaps guilt on to you too. Confusion, hurt, guilt.

Please dump him. Please read some self-esteem boosting books.

Maleducada · 30/06/2014 22:45

If you ask him to be a better man, he gets angry.

:-(

MyLatest · 30/06/2014 22:46

Based on your last post you need to get rid of him. 'You're trying to cause a fight.' No, you're trying to tell him to stop being a complete cock. Get rid of this guy and don't look back.

And I'm very sorry you've been through this Thanks

Lweji · 30/06/2014 22:46

I won't do it again, what else do you want me to say?! Seems like you're trying to cause a fight'

Ooooh, that is not good either.

What about I'm so sorry I have been such a twat. I should have realised it hurt you.

Bluestocking · 30/06/2014 22:49

He sounds revolting. I can honestly say that I have never, ever heard any of the men in my life (DP, two BILs, DF, lots of lovely male friends and colleagues) making a joke about rape, and I am really shocked that this pathetic excuse for a man could be so unkind to you.
I honestly think it can only get worse. Cut and run now, before you get any more involved - as wise PPs have said, he's just testing you to see just how nasty he can be.

Only1scoop · 30/06/2014 22:49

Op....

He is now trying to cause an argument with you. Walk away from this sorry state of a man. Invest your time in people that cherish and respect you. This idiot does neither and I predict it could become much worse.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 30/06/2014 22:49

Run fast and quick and run now.

You bring up the fact that he's upset/hurt you and he accuses you of trying to pick a fight. . . .

he's telling you that very soon everything will be your fault.

Stop making excuses for him now.
As for that bollix about making jokes about everything, bet 50 million he wouldn't take the piss out of a 6'6 20 stone guy.

OxfordBags · 30/06/2014 22:52

Oh, Op, he sounds like a classic abuser. If he was genuinely a decent bloke who, for some reason, didn't get why rape jokes to a rape victim (or to anyone) are a colossally appalling and unacceptable idea, he would have been absolutely beside himself with remorse, guilt, self-loathing, etc., and desperate to make amends and apologise and ensure you that he'd never do it again. Instead, he got annoyed that you had the audacity to challenge him. His upset is all about the thought that he's been challenged, not about your feelings. He doesn't care about your feelings. He clearly gets a kick out of knowing how cruel and distasteful he's being, and he doesn't want someone to curb his fun. That's how little you mean to him.

If you offended someone accidentally and they told you, would you get annoyed with them for bringing it up, or would you be really embarrassed and contrite and try to make amends? You know that normal, decent people would do the latter, every time.

If you look up signs of abusers online, you'll see that getting annoyed when confronted with their mistakes, etc., instead of being contrite, is one of the classic signs.

You can't make it make sense to you, because you're not an abuser. It only makes sense if you don't see others as real humans like yourself, and if you see them as objects that exist for your amusement/benefit/etc.

Please care more for yourself than this, and leave him. It's only a few months, even with the rape, you should not be having problems like this EVER, never mind in the early days. Your lives are not entangled in any way, and it's too early to be really committed and smitten. LTB, heal yourself, and then find someone worthy of you.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2014 22:52

Are you goi g to continue this relationship ?

Thistledew · 30/06/2014 22:56

"What else do you want me to say?"

I'm sorry. You are right, rape is never funny. I was insensitive to joke about it and I won't do so again. Thank you for brining it up.

Listen to what he is not saying. There is a reason he is not saying what every reasonable person would.

Meerka · 30/06/2014 23:01

at the very very least, the man is so unused to normal women that he's no bloody clue how to talk to them.

Someone this insensitive is going to put his size 20's in it over and over and over and over and over again .. .and then get angry at your extremely normal response of hurt.

That's at the VERY least. I think in fact that this guy is worse than that, is a nightmare-in-waiting. If you stay with him he'll haunt your days, as his comments are already doing.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 23:01

I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me

Re-reading the OP, I do think it's exactly what he's trying to do. And still is.

What does even more tactful mean?

No man should make a rape joke, let alone in front of a woman, and even less a rape victim.
Tactful...

AskBasil · 30/06/2014 23:04

He got angry with you?

WTF?

Why do you need this horrible man in your life? You've known him 5 minutes and you're taking this shit from him? You don't even recognise it as shit, do you, you don't realise how bad it is?

Please call rape crisis and talk to them. And dump this creep, he is very very bad news for you.

Only1scoop · 30/06/2014 23:06

You have confided some very personal and upsetting incidents to this person. You obviously trusted him to do so.

He is abusing your trust and treating you extremely cruelly.

Have some time out for yourself to think. You have been through so much recently. You need support and sensitivity.

AskBasil · 30/06/2014 23:07

FFS if it had been a genuine mistake a half-way decent man (and only a half way decent one could ever do rape jokes, fully decent men don't) would have been horrified, apologetic, remorseful of the pain he caused you... but this one - he's fucking angry with you for calling him on it.

Please please recognise how seriously lacking in quality this human being is. You really do deserve better. Dump him. He is an abusive man who has got together with you at an extremely vulnerable time in your life and he will make you feel much, much worse if you stay with him.

Springheeled · 30/06/2014 23:08

He is an utter CRETIN

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 23:09

Argh Im so confused right now. I was in a horribly abusive relationship when I was younger, this seemed different. Maybe its not, I dont know! I thought I had it figured out and I'd never find myself in the same situation again. Maybe I've been explaining away red flags.

HeeHiles No he had nothing to do with it, it was my ex, my daughters father.

OP posts: