at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

Don't do anything for him, seriously, nothing, take action. If you just keep nagging then the situation won't change. If he's off for 3 days then he should be allowing you to have some me time, I think you are totally being taken advantage of, I'd be resentful too.

Sit him down, tell him unless he pulls his weight you are going on strike.

I might have to try that. I asked him this morning before I took my baby to a play thing to do the dishes. Got home to them not done and him sat on the sofa on my laptop. Thought he would do them before he went out do I left them. I fell asleep as had a crap week with the baby and a bad back and figured he would have done them. He went to work and I went to get the baby lunch, ssurprise surprise not been done. Sent a sarky message and then git a woe is me phone call

Am absolutely livid. He is out this afternoon for work and then tonight with a volunteer thing so I am expected to collect his kids from school, feed them and sort them out etc

Told him at the weekend I am sick of being made to feel like a skivvy for him and it appears to have fallen in deaf ears

From your OP it sounds like you and he agreed on a division of labour - he outside the home and you inside.

Have you considered going back to work full time and leaving him responsible for all the childcare and housework?

Could you take on some work now that the baby is a bit older? I can see it may be difficult with his shift pattern. Alternatively you could try volunteering?

I the meantime, I think you need to have a chat about what is fair. Eg when he's working you will inevitably do more if not most.

I suggest you start by making a list of what you both do, because it might be that he thinks he is doing loads. Sometimes there is a different perception of what is 'work', eg he might not think of walking the dog or cooking as a 'job' if he thinks you enjoy it. Include things like looking after the money, DIY, gardening etc.

So there are other children as well?

Fluffy - my earnings won't cover the mortgage etc so me going back isn't an option and we agreed on me staying home to look after our baby not be his flaming slave

Imbroglio - yes he has 2 kids from previous relationship who I end up dealing with. I have looked into part time but the child care costs mean it isn't worth it as we would be massively worse off and voluntary work is out for the same reasons. I have looked at all sorts of options.

I do think we need to look at dividing up the chores better. I am happy to do most of it when he isn't work it's the days when he isn't and he still buggers off to do his own thing and leaves me to it all. And then has the nerve to whinge that he has put on weight because he stopped going to the gym cos he feels guilty leaving us when he is on a day off.

It just feels like one eendless row at the moment which is starting to make my depression etc flare up

Sorry OP but you are looking after his kids while he swans off doing whatever on his days off - honestly, what a piss take.

"Fluffy - my earnings won't cover the mortgage etc so me going back isn't an option and we agreed on me staying home to look after our baby not be his flaming slave"

Have you considered that his working FT to take care of you and your daughter might feel like a form of slavery or indentured servitude to him (unless he has a "fun and rewarding" job, but I don't know many family men with these type of jobs) but that he just gets on with it?

Wow fluffy you have a huge chip on your shoulder don't you!!

He works forn3 days and then has 3 days off its not much to expect him To do the damn dishes once in a while

Does he work FT or PT?

You come across in this thread as very eager to blame him for everything, with no expression of gratitude for what he does for you as a husband and father. Is this the vibe you give off to him when he is home?

I don't know you personally or all the details of your situation, but this is how it comes across to me.

Is Fluffy the OP's OH...?

If it matters, Fluffy is a woman .

There's always one...

OP, you are perfectly justified in expecting your partner (see ? partner ...) to take a share of the shitwork

You have already said you do most of it as you don't work outside the home. He is being lazy, sexist and entitled to think that housework is beneath him and only fit for the likes of you. Simply because he works outside of the home does not give him carte blanche to expect indentured labour from you

When you say your potential wages would not cover the mortgage and childcare, do you mean your pooled wages ? Because I consider the cost of childcare (as well as the physical partaking of it) to be a joint effort, not the sole responsibility of the female

No idea Jan bur apparently I meant to bow amd scrape to his every whim and work 24/7 with no break.

Glad I am not fluffu's partner

Fluffy, some light reading for you here

AnyF*cker,

What does a book on housework have to do with the fact that OP appears to have little or no gratitude toward her DP for working to take care of her and her daughter?

Does she really expect to obtain harmony in her home when she takes his work granted but expects him to show sympathy for hers? That doesn't sound very "equal" to me.

I am going to offer a further contrarian view:

Perhaps DP would, of his own accord, start "helping out" if OP actually showed some appreciation for what he does for her and their family. It may be a novel idea, but it would make everyone happier wouldn't it?

Fluffy you really are a treat!

Why thank you

Any - yeah I mean pooled wages. His covers the mortgage bills food etc with some left over but adding in what I could earn would still leave a huge deficit on the childcare bill. We would have no spare cash for treats etc whereas now we have a little bit.

Fluffy - i pity anyone who has to deal with your pathetic views. I have never said I wasn't grateful but I don't see why he should get 3 days all to himself when I get none whatsoever.

I think you have to escalate it quite honestly. There is no point sitting about seething with resentment but saying nothing. He'll assume all is hunky dory with the status quo unless you tell him otherwise. You shouldn't have to tell him in this day and age admittedly, but there you go.... needs must.

I'd also be hightailing it back to work even if it means you lose out on treats short term. If you're in a relationship with someone who thinks domestic stuff is beneath him then being 'the domestic' automatically gives you low status which is a vulnerable position. Plus I would not want to be financially dependent on someone who felt that way. Very risky indeed, especially as you're unmarried.

contrarian eh ?

hmm...

It's not about how many days worked, it's about hours out of the house to earn for the household and the intensity of those hours compared to the SAHP.

In our case, there's no way the intensity and hours I worked in the home came anywhere close to those my DH was doing and do of course I did it all at home, it wouldn't have been fair otherwise.

Of course there were times when I'd get stressed and found it harder to cope, at which point my DH would take holiday and we'd share the household chores and parenting.

The only way to divide things equally is to look at leisure time

Does OP get the same amount of leisure time as her partner ?

That may mean a different thing to each partner, of course. And it does not include dangling a kid on your lap while you try to read a book/MN etc

If there is disparity, then one person is taking the piss

Washing a few dishes isn't a division of labour issue, intensity of work issue or even an equality issue it's a 'being a lazy slob thinking why bark when you've got a dog' issue.

There are currently no consequences to his shitty attitude. OP I suggest you create some and fast.

"I have never said I wasn't grateful but I don't see why he should get 3 days all to himself when I get none whatsoever."

The vibe you give off in this thread is one of ingratitude toward a man who works to support you so you can be a SAHM. My point is that if DP senses this ingratutide in you, it will have the opposite effect of what you intend (to make him become more sensitive to your needs).

If on the other hand you focus on the gratitude you feel toward him for who he is and what he does for you and your daughter, he will sense this, and it will, in turn, inspire him to be more responsive to your needs.

You come off here as hard-done-by and somewhat sour, and I am 99% certain that if DP senses this it has a negative effect on his happiness at home and your family life will continue to deteriorate - when it could in fact be wonderful.

The fact that other posters are cheering you on down this road is something I find very sad. I am attempting to counteract their misguided advice in order to help you turn the situation around and achieve harmony in your home.

By all means ignore my advice if you wish.