at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

Differance here is that you work petalsandstars.......being a sahp is a luxury for a lot of parents in that they can't afford to lose a salary; many have to work after having kids even though they would like to be a sahp.

OP has the luxury of being a sahp becasue H brings in enough money. H works full time hours, it's unfair to expect him to do half the house running too. OP's job is to run the house for now, easily achieved when you don't have to work!

I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim

tbh you don't have to clean/wash clothes/iron/or shop every day.

The days your partner is not working could be your off days too. The only thing you really need to do on those days is walk the dog/deal with the baby and eat.

Do you regularly thank your H for all the hard work he does providing for you and the baby? all the hours he works, the stress he endures?

How hard is it to bung a few clothes in a washing machine etc? all the stuff you list doesn't take 8 hours a day (unlike most full time jobs).

I suspect she gives off a vibe of resentment to him that she takes his work (supporting her and their daughter) for granted. If he sensed gratitude and appreciation for all he does to allow her to stay home with their daughter (and yes, in this day and age being a SAHP is a luxury), he, in response to feeling appreciated, would be much more likely to want to please her in the home by helping out. In other words, she needs to take action to deal positively with this situation, and by "action" I DO NOT mean nagging and complaining.

what the fucking hell???????????????????????

Show your gratitude to the amazing husband who goes out into the workforce, which is soooo unbelievably difficulty, where you can sit and concentrate on one task at a time, where you can have a cup of coffee in peace, where you can go to the toilet in peace, where you can have a conversation with your peers without having to develop eyes in the back of your head.

Oh yes, it's sooooo difficult working...... Because none of us 'wimmin' have ever done, you know, WORK, before, so we don't know WHAT we're talking about when we dare to suggest they have it easy, cause, you know, we have NOTHING to compare it to.......

FFS I LOVED working, but my job AND my DH's job combined, with the choice of where we live, are incompatible with children unless we have a full time nanny. That is not a choice we were willing to give up. So WE chose to have DH continue working while I am a SAHM.

DH freely admits that as stressful as he finds his job, and as difficult as it is to work full time and support the family, HE HAS IT EASY in comparison to me.

So do be a dear and fuck off with that attitude.

Now there is a chauvinistic post if ever I saw one wildbill

What an arsehole thing to say

hayday thank you!

Wheresthelight - you're welcome. Now I need to go and cool off before I blow a gasket.

Seriously, I feel like I'm in a freakin' time warp with some of the attitudes on here lately. Are we being bloody well trolled en masse again???????

Must be!!

WHO are these people on this thread? ===> Fluffy and Wildbill [shocked]

I feel like I've stepped back in time!

afluffylamb are you trying to teach 1000 posts on your own?

Dp fully admits that looking after dd is a full time job and for harder than his job.

The difference being he gets 3 days off where as I do it 24/7 with no respite

Reach, not teach.

I think it must be harder when the person has a block of three days off, to then see them not pulling their weight. OP is entitled to at least some if the free time on offer in the household!

"So do be a dear and fuck off with that attitude."

Is this an echo chamber where only opinions that you personally approve of are to be expressed?

If I am in violation I'm sure the mods will take care of it.

What a croc of shit some people spout!

OP I think you need to sort out what you would be happy with i.e. some time on your own / help and support etc and speak to your DP about it.

Most of the time it's about feeling like you're not in it all by yourself. DP presumably gets all his dinners cooked/washing done/clean sheets etc so he at least, even subliminally will feel 'looked after', OP gets none of this if he doesn't make a little bit of effort, and it doesn't take much.

I do work, but when I was on maternity leave DP still helped around the house and with the children, even though he was 'supporting me not working' while I was off, he didn't see an issue in it, and was proud as my partner to support me however he could. It didn't happen overnight, and there were lots of arguments about what we both needed (him included) but I think you definitely need more support OP and he needs to understand why.

I can't believe some of the weird reactions you've got on here today, it must be a full moon!

Jeez, are we back in 1950 or something??

I am a SAHM. I am a "trailing spouse", who followed my DH abroad, to a city where the industry in which I built my career doesn't even exist, so that he could accept an amazing offer to further HIS career. He works long hours and has a lot of responsibility, but it's a job he loves and has wanted to do since childhood, and he would be working just as hard at it if he was single and in encumbered by dependents.

I do the majority of the housework and practically everything for the children (who are very small and very demanding) and that's fine with me. But I would be royally fucked off if, like the OP, I'd asked him to do something as simple as wash some dishes - SEVERAL TIMES - and he still hadn't bothered.

What a spoiled, ungrateful bitch I must be.

Gah! UN-encumbered!

Wildbill - yes I work but I've just returned after a year of mat leave- and the way things work in my house are the same then too.

If I have to do everything for the running of the house because I'm not physically going to work then I would have no leisure time as all the responsibility for the house and children would rest with me - as the situation OP is in. The male party is free to drink coffee and pee in peace and go out of an evening as "mum" is always at home.

I was beginning to wonder if I had posted in AIBU but I doubt even on there I would get some of the provincial victorian crap I am getting from here!! My error for thinkin the rrelationship thread would be supportive.

Is this an echo chamber where only opinions that you personally approve of are to be expressed?

No, it's my rather rational anger at being told how grateful we women should be to the poor hard done by men who have to go out and work, and that by pleasing these hard done by men they will more likely to want to help at home.

I think you left out the part of the instruction to do up your make up, dress in a pretty frock and greet your husband at the door with a drink in your hand ready for him when the poor soul came home from his awfully hard day at work. That was part of the spiel, wasn't it?

"Do you regularly thank your H for all the hard work he does providing for you and the baby? all the hours he works, the stress he endures?"

A lot of married women I know take their husbands for granted in this regard (NG: I said "a lot of women I know" - not "all"). Some even make them a butt of jokes.

As a result, the husbands feel unappreciated and unloved. Of course, men don't verbalize these feelings like women do. This leads to tension in a marriage and, often, eventually a broken marriage. Some gratitude for the responsibilities of providing for a family would go a long way to bringing happiness to many troubled marriages.

We don't have mods here. Are you new?

"My error for thinkin the rrelationship thread would be supportive."

All kinds of people are supporting you.

I, by contrast (the only one who has really suggested that you look first to yourself as the solution to this problem in order to strengthen your marriage) have been told by one your supporters to "f*ck off" and similarly ridiculed, quite rudely, by others, simply for presenting a different point of view.

But it is perfectly ok for men to make women feel like there is no gratitude for the work they do??!!

Fluffy rtft because I have not once said that I am married. So before yiu fall off your high horse why not try getting your facts straight