at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

Not sure dragon but tge option of going on strike will give amamusing results!!

I am looking for a part time job, if I can get something that is just a couple of afternoons my mum might help with child care but we shall see!

Cogito for PRIME MINISTER!!

Exactly what Cog says. Exactly.

Haha peanut I second your nomination!!

It's contact weekend this weekend so nothing will get discussed til Monday, however he has offered to do the dishes this morning, however, I said I was happy to do them so as he had done tea last night.

It's the sharing of stuff on his days off I need and I am not expecting, demanded or any other ungrateful twist some morons seem to apply on here, a 50/50 split. I am purely asking for a bit of help so that I get some free time that doesn't revolve around him/his kids/our baby/the dog/everything else I do for his family and mine.

I do genuinely fail tinsel why that is an issue and why the hell I should be down on my knees praying at his feet for the fact I get to stay home. Financially we would be screwed if I went back to work by the time childcare, petrol, car maintenance, work suitable clothes costs etx were factored in. He gets a pretty sweet deal by me staying at home because if I went back to work he wouldn't be able to afford all the bloody bikes he buys, car magazines, cider he drinks etc

Tinsel - to see

Assuming wildbill is correct (though the assumption that all of the people on this thread defending sahp are female is wrong) in saying that being a sahp is a job.

So, that being the case, when does the sahp get their breaks and days off? When does their shift end? It's likely that for those 3 days OPs partner is working, so is the OP at her sahp job.

And incidentally, I brought in a third more than my DH, my job was still easier in many ways than staying at home. Plus it's worth considering DH DOES NOT WANT TO STAY AT HOME. A fact you have failed to acknowledge. By staying at home (a decision we made together, as equal partners do), I have postponed (at best) an extremely good career, and enable my DH to thrive at his.

Don't dare pretend it's all about the wohp enabling the sahp parent. It's not.

Why is being a SAHP always romanticised? It's bloody hard work. Being a WOHP is bloody hard work. Being parents is teamwork. Running a house is teamwork. Op is not her partner's mother. Surely her partner should WANT to contribute practically to the daily chores to make family life easier for them as a Team.

Thing is, some partners make life easier without even noticing. They put their dirty clothes in the clothes basket, they make the bed if they get out last, they make their partner a cup of tea if they are getting one made, they automatically help tidy the table after tea before going off into the lounge room to rest, they join in with bedtime for DC because (and this is the wild, insane part here..... ) They are a PARENT and WANT to spend that time with their DC, they chat with their partners while doing the washing up..... etc, etc.

Others are lazy sods, they leave their clothes lying around, they don't put things away after they use them, they create a huge mess if they are ever asked to do anything. They groan if they are asked to do anything even remotely connected with childcare, they ask for a drink when their partner is in the middle of doing something else, they'll leave cups, glasses and plates lying around in random places, they leave a trail of crumbs that Hansel and Gretel would be proud of, glued to their phones or IPads, become one with the tv remote, .....

See? What a difference a considerate partner makes?

I have read the thread correctly?? Op's partner wanted her to stay at home to raise the baby and upon doing the maths agreed it made sense? Yet fluffy/wild bill however has read that he has made some supreme sacrifice by forcing himself to work so that she has the luxury of being able to stay home? I just wondered if we were reading different things. .
I have been SAHM and full time working parent. Work is easier and my job isn't easy.
Glad to see some slight improvement op!

Just [boggle].

I don't have anything to say that is anywhere near as helpful as the contributions of AnyFucker, Slithy, HayDay etc, so just [boggle].

Good luck, Wheresthelight.

(PS, never seen a sock-puppet before! WildBill/Fluffy/whoever you are, if I were sock-puppeting, I'd at least try to make my posts a little more distinctive from each other eg change phraseology, sentence structure and so on)

It must be a time/space wormhole.... where's Cap'n Jack Harkness when you need him? (Big prize for anyone who says 'washing up and ironing a few shirts')

Especially the odd poster who seems to have joined / NC just to post on this thread..

bil: OP says she wouldn't be able to earn enough to be the breadwinner which probably means she had a job with few responsibilities hence low pay hence thinking the world of work a breeze

I have worked in all kinds of jobs and the low-paid jobs were always, always the worst. The higher up the scale you go, the more you are treated like a human being. In fact, when people go on and on about how terrible it is to work, I always picture them working at a check-out desk in a supermarket, or in a hospital laundry.

My poor mother was a severely depressed housewife in the 1950s, god help her.

Just for the record dp and I work for the same firm (technically still on maternity), I have a stressful job, if I fail then the company has the potential to end up in all sorts of legal trouble. But the pay is crap and the hours are long. Dp works 12 hour nights which I have done in a previous role at same company and the shift allowances are very generous hence hos wages are about triple mine. Hence financially it is better for our fafamily for me to be at home. This also means that the arguments with exw are less because she gets to get rid of them when her partner doesn't want them there.

My issue as I have repeated several times is that on his days off the workload on household chores is still left entirely to me and I feel that is very unfair (thanks to those who have seen this and commented constructively).

Why exactly should I work as a sahp 24/7/365 with no breaks, no holidays and no free time to call my own?? If this was paid employment it would be in breach of every law in both the UK and the European with regards to working conditions and working time directives.

So fluffy/bill what is your misogynistin answer to that dilemma? That because I am a mum and look after our baby I don't deserve a break/holiday/free time because as a sahp I am somehow a lesser being in your eyes?

Wildbill you really are a sanctimonious twisted person aren't you. Are you jealous that you have to work by any chance because that's the only reason I can think of for your pathetic attempts to belittle me

Wildbill, your husband might post too... Married to 1950s stepford wannabe, makes all the right noises but dead behind the eyes. Now attracted to younger model at work who has a sense of self worth and a sparkle about her.

Why exactly should I work as a sahp 24/7/365 with no breaks, no holidays and no free time to call my own?? If this was paid employment it would be in breach of every law in both the UK and the European with regards to working conditions and working time directives

OP you are failing to grasp the simple concept that motherhood can't be switched off when it suits you.

You are having a free ride right now, enjoying a lifestyle you freely admit you can't provide yourself - stop whinging ME ME ME and start supporting your family properly. Else get a job and contribute financially.

Carry on slinging insults

She is contributing financially. Op's family money would be worse off if she worked at her previous employment.

I don't think it's motherhood she wants to turn off though is it, it is the whole housekeeper stuff. Presumably the man also cannot turn off fatherhood even if he's at work!

But fatherhood can be switched off like a light, fluffy bill?

Cross post with Iggi

Oh WildBill, do DFOD! You want to have a go at SAHM then go and start your own thread.

This is RELATIONSHIPS, not AIBU. So be bloody supportive or fuck off.

"OP you are failing to grasp the simple concept that motherhood can't be switched off when it suits you. "

You can't possibly be a parent if you think that. As a lone parent I have been 100% responsible for DS for the last 14 years... his whole life, in fact. Doesn't mean that I don't enjoy having time away from him to do other things. In fact, I think it's been quite healthy for him to see that as well as being a food, drink and clean clothes dispensing machine, I'm also a rounded human being who works, socialises, and does other things.

You stay at home to enable him to work outside the home. Think of it as a job share.

So, when when he's not at work then you are not at work iyswim.

Therefore when he is home you should be sharing the work inside the home.

You both need time off. The work inside the home can surely be organised to permit that.

To avoid resentment perhaps agree which jobs are yours in the job share, eg, you do daily kitchen cleaning, he does laundry (every 3 days), you do the hoovering, he cleans the bathrooms. If the jobs are his then it becomes easier. He is no longer "helping you", you no longer have to ask for his "help", if it doesn't get done then you both know who's at fault.

That said, I'd still get a job if I were you even if it made me worse off financially. But then I can't stand being totally financially dependent on someone else. It makes me claustrophobic and frightened.