at a loss

[wheresthelight]

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

If he's got three days on / three off, why can't your DH look after your and his DC for two days while you work? Is it because it's a rolling 3 days so you couldn't commit to working every Mon/Tues to an employer?
His kids should be visiting on his 3 days off and you should be taking a large step back on at least 2 of those days.

It's Father's Day on Sunday, I'd buy him a copy of Wifework and leave him with his children for the day and go out by yourself.

Tread - yeah it's a rolling pattern so impossible to commit to days and we would have to pay child care for the days he was home wheb they came round which seems pointless (and still gives hin epic amounts of hin time while I get zero)

He is working this weekend so whilst it's his weekend with the kids he won't be here - he has asked to have holiday but the company he works for is shite at sorting out requests (I know I worked there til had dd)

Yes I did, and I have never told someone to fuck off before on MN which should tell you just how awful your comments have been, and I've been on MN for 8 years now.

"I have not once said that I am married"

Whether you are marrying or "cohabiting" (is that the correct term?) the same principles apply. You have a child with this man and you are a SAHM.

Have you asked him in an unemotional manner why he won't help you more? If you can have a discussion where he has admitted to you that "looking after dd is a full time job and for harder than his job" why can't you have a frank discussion around your domestic arrangements?

As for the having his kids on his days off, his exw has rerefused every request that makes contact easier for dp and better for the kids so they actually get time with him. I can see why to some extent, the kids are at school and with a rolling shift pattern there is no routine for them which they do need. We did have 3 weekend with them and 3 without as his shifts fall that he gets some weekend time this way but she complained that it meant she had 3 weeks without a break from them. Plus her dp refuses to have her kids there when his are away at their mum's (they live with him)

Erm, because he doesn't want to have the frank discussion? Otherwise he would have paid attention to the many requests the OP has made and been ignored.

So the question becomes, how do you get him to understand? Which, is what everyone else was helping the OP with.......

Seriously, Fluffy have you actually READ what the op has written, or have you picked out bits and pieces, taken your knowledge of all the ungrateful women you know (?!), and just merged the two together to make your point?

Risky to give up your career for someone you're it married to, tbph.

"So the question becomes, how do you get him to understand? Which, is what everyone else was helping the OP with......."

I am trying to help her with this also, but apparently my view of it doesn't meant your standards, so your response is to engage in verbal abuse (including profanity).

Hopefully there are others lurking who are struggling with similar issues who may benefit from what I am trying to say here about the male mind and gratitude.

"Erm, because he doesn't want to have the frank discussion? Otherwise he would have paid attention to the many requests the OP has made and been ignored."

Actually, I can explain this phenomenon (btw men don't think like women) but I'm not going to leave myself open to more of your verbal abuse. If anyone wants to know they can DM me.

Iggi - would have had to give it up irrespective. Legally everything is done to make sure I am protected so am not overly worried tbh

Fluffy - drop the men think differently to women crap. It's rubbish and demeaning to men.

"Fluffy - drop the men think differently to women crap. It's rubbish and demeaning to men."

It's not cr*p - it's true, and if you understood this you would be able to solve this dilemma and have a great relationship. However, I respect your right to have a different opinion on this.

If it is against Mumsnet policy to advocate the point of view that men and women as a rule think differently - VERY differently - about dating, relationships, marriage, would someone please let me know?

Oh, fluffy, its PM, not DM, just, you know, so you get the lingo of this site which you're clearly not familiar with.....

OP, I see that you both work. Inside the home, outside - not different. Running a house with a little one, dp and dog can and will take all your available time. That equates to a job imho.
The real difference here? it's called time off time to breathe a bit, have some time to yourself, however you want to describe it....and as it appears, you don't get any.

He does.

Not fair, not fair.

Can you work together to carve out some time for you, which you truly need and deserve on so many levels?

Before we had dcs, we both worked full-time. Never occurred to either of us to thank each other for our contribution. Do couples really do this?

Proverbs wives do.... those types of comments have all the markings of a Proverbs 31 wife......

No wonder he was so keen to convince you to be a SAHM OP, he was probably looking forward to being run around after.

So has he already agreed that what you do is work? Have you told him that he gets 3 days off work whereas you get none, ever? If you can get him to see this argument you might be able to convince him that on one of his days off he should be main childcare bod while you have a lie in etc and take a day 'off'. He might be able to understand that argument?

Regarding fair sharing of chores....only solution I can think of is ww3...

Right Fluffy, clutch your pearls tightly because I am .......A full time worker and my dh is.......A stay at home dad .
Isupport my household financially, and have never felt the need to lord it over my spouse and not do my fair share of shitwork.
Frankly Fluffy you are full of shit

Pomeral - yeah he does and when he does he admits heis slack and sshould help more.

Human - ah but do you expect grovelling gratitude for allowing him not to work as fluffy thinks he should?!

"Isupport my household financially, and have never felt the need to lord it over my spouse and not do my fair share of shitwork."

So what do you suggest the OP does about this situation (the father of her daughter whom she otherwise adores, according to the OP)? Do you think she has the power to change this situation for the better? If so, what do you suggest? Should she "up" the "snipey bitch" behaviour she described in the OP?

Should she LTB like a previous poster suggested ("I think if you jacked in your Partner OP, you'd be a ton better off")?

Thank gawd the cavalry arrived. I thought I was on my own with poor Op there for a while

Regarding the motivations of certain posters, I smell wind up

Thank gawd the cavalry arrived. I thought I was on my own with poor Op there for a while

Regarding the motivations of certain posters, I smell wind up

Oops, damn phone. I am in the bath while h clears up after the evening meal I cooked, ably helped by the teenage ones