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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

at a loss

238 replies

wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 14:01

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 11/06/2014 19:50

Start your own thread oh fluffy one, and maybe your 'advice' will be ever so appreciated there. Leave this one alone.

HayDayQueen · 11/06/2014 19:56

Wheresthelight, have you thought about putting your DD into some sort of childcare occasionally?

It could be as simple as crèche while you have a work out at the gym or a swim in a pool, to a morning or afternoon at daycare or a CM. On the days your DH is at home you could just not book the crèche and leave her with him for the session.

Some breathing room from the constant grind might help you gain perspective on all of this and how to handle it.

Original poster
wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 19:58

Donkey - i love how her idea of me having a day off still involves dealing with the pet and the baby full stop! WRT his ex, you may have hit on something tbh. she is majorly controlling and nothing he did was ever good enough, in fact always wrong (from her mouth not his) so yes his previous experience may well be a contributing factor.

He has had 1 sleepless night since dd was born when i had picked up the d&v virus that dd had and was medically ordered to stay away from her as i had it far worse and had she got it back before fully recovering from her first bout she could have ended up critically ill in hospital.

i go out once maybe twice a week to baby groups but as dd is coming up 10 months she needs be by her side constantly so i do not get a break. She doesn't settle for dp at night because he is rarely here (works nights) and so avoids doing them when he is home (and anything where she is not happy and smilely) because he feels she is rejecting him when she cries for me or stretches out for me

fluffy - if you need to be ordered off the thread then consider this an order - PLEASE LEAVE

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 19:59

Ah, hayday, you know me of old Grin

Humansatnav · 11/06/2014 20:01

Op, nope, hes too busy peeling me grapes to grovel. Grin
Fluffy don't you thing that a partnership is meant to be equal? If dh billed me for the childcare costs for the last 20 years Id be working days/ nights and a paper round to pay for it. Are you a " surrendered wife", or just a bilge spouting gobshite ?

Original poster
wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 20:02

unfortunately we just don't have the funds for that but yes it would be bliss! however, i don't see why i should need to when i have a perfectly capable albeit idle dp home who could take over if he wanted to!

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 20:03

human i do hope palm leaves are being fanned at your side to go with the grapes!!

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 11/06/2014 20:07

(Told ya I've been here for a long time..... Wink)

Wheresthelight - you NEED to leave her with him more then. They both need to get used to each other. If they spend time together during the day, then she is more likely to settle at night for him too. He MUST learn.

If she's at the clingy stage - and around 9 -10 months is about right for that - then she can learn to cling to your DH as well. It will make life easier all round.

But be warned, if he hasn't spent much time alone with her he will likely resist and find it incredibly hard. So will she, which will likely make you feel hard hearted.

But being selfish doesn't make him a nasty man, and unless for some reason you believe otherwise, I doubt he would do anything to hurt her. He will probably just be a bit clueless for a bit.

Oh and she doesn't need you by her side constantly. I call it benign neglect - you can BE there monitoring her, without BEING there for her all the time. Short bursts every now and then where she does things on her own with just a watchful eye over her.

Humansatnav · 11/06/2014 20:07

Of course Wink

ExcuseTypos · 11/06/2014 20:09

OP you're patner is a lazy, sexist so and so.

You need to make it clear that if he doesn't stop treating you like a skivvy, you may be inclined to leave. What would he do when he has 3 children to sort out, plus a house. Has he actually thought about how much you do for him and his children?

petalsandstars · 11/06/2014 20:16

Have you tried just leaving her with him for the day (going for coffee with friends or by yourself or for a swim etc) and letting him cope.

If you are bf I understand it might be difficult as I've been there myself and mine only cut down on feeds in the day at around this age. But even if it just starts with 3 or 4 hours - it is still a start for a break for you.

Then as he is more used to it - he can choose - look after the baby or do the washing up etc.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 20:21

9/10 months is peak clinginess/attachment skriking age

this too shall pass

in the meantime, your bloke needs to man up

Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2014 20:32

I love the idea that all you have to do is appear more grateful for the fact that he kept his job while you gave up yours by mutual agreement, and he will magically find the energy and the inclination to wash up. Planet what?

I also like how you have to look after his kids because their mother's partner won't have 'em on those days. Frankly I think your dp's ex-wife wants to come on here and be told a thing or two as well... principally about not letting a mere partner dictate residence with one's own children.

Original poster
wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 20:37

haha human - your posts have cheered me right up thank you!

yeah she is going through a massive clingy stage started about 8 months so hoping that it breaks soon as she won't even stay with my mum anymore (no bad thing but that is a whole different thread)

I think i need to lay it on the line rather than trying to dress it up because he is earning whilst i am at home. I have a huge history of putting everyone else first and i think i have let him get away with it because i feel guilty and now when i need him to step up he is shirking. he does tend to lean to the "its ok cos wheres will do it" camp. he isn't sexist, he isn't lazy either he just doesn't have the same priorities. Donkey has hit it on the head i think - his ex is a very bizarre woman and he has never been allowed to look after his kids on his own (no idea why but she is a complete nut job). i think he is terrified so avoids it, and the same with the house. She criticised everything and so he gave up trying and now i think its going to take some serious proverbial kicking to change it

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 20:41

annie don't even get me started on that woman!

OP posts:
slithytove · 11/06/2014 21:47

Ok.

I would work out how much a full time cleaner and childcare would cost.
Put this to him as your contribution to the household. I'm guessing it outweighs his.

Tell him (don't ask) your expectations. E.g. You do everything on the days he works, but the days he is off, everything is shared.

I would suggest that you each get at least one day a week where you get a lie in, and each get at least one evening a week where you are free to do your own thing.

Make sure leisure time is equal.

Personally, if he doesn't step up to the plate, I would consider a separation, because it sounds like a completely unequal relationship. You sound like you are suffering all of the disadvantages of a relationship but none of the advantages.

Have you looked at a benefit calculator to see what help you would be entitled to if you worked/were single?

Rest assured, yanbu. And as for some of the other tripe spouted on this thread - very u!

WildBill · 12/06/2014 06:59

MN is truly astonishing at times - It's clear from the general attitude here that men are always always in the wrong and to actually try and see things from both sides of the issue leads to personal attacks or claims of trolling.

OP should have stated clearly that only people who were going to agree with her viewpoint should post.

As for the post above suggesting separation?!!! really, this is just the very common situation of new mum feeling overwhelmed................

AnyFucker · 12/06/2014 07:04

people are in the wrong when they are not being fair

don't let that get in the way of your agenda-pushing though, bill Wink

WildBillfemale · 12/06/2014 07:09

aaaaannnnddd.........here she is...AF, the self appointed head girl of mn..........I knew it wouldn't be long, I know you have a girl crush on me

Fair? from whose viewpoint? some here think OP is hard done by, others think she is an ungrateful nag,

AnyFucker · 12/06/2014 07:12

that was a swift name change, bill Hmm

WildBillfemale · 12/06/2014 07:14

yes it's quite easy to do

Igggi · 12/06/2014 07:14

So Bill, so you agree or not that both parties should have equal leisure time? Yes or no only, please!

petalsandstars · 12/06/2014 07:21

I doubt you'll get a direct answer Igggi

WildBillfemale · 12/06/2014 07:30

Yes

I suspect time management is the issue here though. OP lists all the chores she does '24/7' but Shopping could be done online once a week. Bunging clothes into a washing machine doesn't exactly take much effort and seriously get a dishwasher if they are going to fall out over a few dishes going unwashed.

What's so wrong with H going to work, OP doing stuff during the day. Eating and relaxing as a family in the evening and horror of horrors leaving the dishes to be dealt with the next morning? Forget having everything perfect and concentrate on family/husband/sex etc. SAHP isn't cushy but it IS a job and as with all jobs parts of it are boring, thankless and repetitive.
If OP doesn't like her job then maybe she can swap roles with H - he can be the sahp whilst she takes on responsibility for providing a roof over their heads etc.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2014 07:50

There we have it

Op should concentrate on sex. Even though most women would not feel like shagging a lazy, selfish bloke who is happy to sit on his arse while she cleans up his shit

Better to keep him happy though, in case he leaves her, eh