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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

at a loss

238 replies

wheresthelight · 11/06/2014 14:01

I love my dp to death but I am at my wits end.

We got pregnant totally by surprise (told i couldn't have kids) and he insisted I should stay home to raise the baby. We looked hard at finances etc and both agreed that financially this was far more sensible as child care outstrips my earnings.

Skip on to baby being 10 months old and I am beginning to turn into a complete fruit loop.

I love my baby girl so much and love spending time with her but I am so sick of sahp equating to slave. I literally do everything for her and then cook, clean, dishes, wash clothes, iron, walk the dog and shop. He works 3 on 3 off shifts so it's not that he doesn't have time iyswim.

I really feel like I am being taken advantage of and it is causing massive resentment and me to be a snipey bitch

How do I sort this without it escalating into ww3?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:24

I am catching a whiff of Stepford....

weegiemum · 11/06/2014 16:25

I'm (mainly) a sahm - my dc are older but I'm disabled.

I work 2 days as a literacy tutor (school hours/terms) and volunteer at a charity project 1 day (can take younger dc in the holidays).

My dh is a doctor, works 60+ hour weeks! every 6th weekend.

I'll be making tea and clearing up tonight (with the help of my teen/preteen dc) as he's working.

But tomorrow he'll be home for tea. I'll cook, and then he'll clear up. At weekends he's not working he does a bunch of jobs as I can't drive and he does. He does the legwork I can't with no complaint. We have a cleaner, but he still organises laundry, does shopping etc.

It's called "being part of a family". Our dc are 10,12,14 and also sort laundry, set and clear table, look after pets, fill and empty dishwasher, Hoover on demand, keep their own rooms tidy just about this side of hygienic!

3 on 3 off? Your dp is taking the piss big time if he's not even washing some dishes!!

Smokinmirrors · 11/06/2014 16:27

I know it's a bit irrelevant, but on threads like these, I realise how amazeballs I am. Smile

As a single parent with no support, I have raised my dc alone since he was a baby. I do ALL the work - washing, ironing, cooking, house-cleaning, gardening, bills, keep an allotment going, packed lunches and social stuff for dc, hoovering, get the logs in, heavy bins out, scrub kitchen floor, look after the dogs, organise holidays, polish shoes, make sure we keep hair and dentists appointments, nails cut, ds has a bath each night and a few stories; his reading is incredible, his spelling astonishing, I cook in batches then freeze, I have just mown the lawn and taken a load of stuff to the tip. Piocked ds up from school and went to supermarket for fresh packed lunch food for tmrrw.

Ds has a serious illness too...so throw into the mix endless tablets (strict regime) plus hospital trips and frequent admissions.

The thing is, I don't have a partner dragging me down or causing me resentment; no nose-picking farting tosser around to show up what I have to do alone.

I think if you jacked in your Partner OP, you'd be a ton better off - he'd have his own kids and yours for weekends too so you'd get time off.

He's not much cop is he, after all.

captainmummy · 11/06/2014 16:32

Fluffy lamb, you keep saying the op and her daughter. The daughter is joint. The dp is not working to support her daughter, but to support their daughter. Oh, and his DC.

Quitelikely · 11/06/2014 16:34

Hi OP

Have you heard of childcare vouchers or childcare element of tax credit? These might help you (unless you've already factored them in) I suppose the childcare costs depend where you stay in the country. Have you considered a child minder even?

Anyway it's no fun doing it all on your own which is why you decided to have a partner. Tell him to act like a father and partner or the games up. I mean it sounds like he's watching you from his perch while you do the lions share of life's chores.

I'm not sure if he knows how you feel but if he does now is his chance to show how much he respects you. Good luck

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:36

The stuff people give away with their language, eh

"her" daughter

so fluffy believes child care is purely wimmin's work

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 16:37

"you keep saying the op and her daughter"

"He is working to support his wife (you) and the daughter you and he have together" was what I meant - I thought this was clear from the context but if not, apologies. It gets a bit confusing with the pronouns.

Perhaps I should have just said "He is working to support his family." At any rate, it doesn't change the fact that he does this.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:40

OP is also working to support the family

if she didn't do that, he would have to outsource everything (which it doesn't sound like he could afford to do)

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 16:40

"so fluffy believes child care is purely wimmin's work"

If you RTFT you would see that I suggested that OP get a FT job and DP take over childcare and household responsibilities. She indicated this was not financially feasible.

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 16:42

"OP is also working to support the family"

Yes - there is a division of labour in the household. This has already been established.

Does he complain to her about how she doesn't support him in doing his job?

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 16:45

"I think if you jacked in your Partner OP, you'd be a ton better off"

That someone would actually encourage divorce/separation over this situation (a man she says in the OP that she adores but who won't help with housework), particularly where a young child is involved, is quite....well, I don't have words.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:45

She does support him in doing his job. She does the majority of the shitwork to enable him to go out to work. 3 days on/3 days off. If he makes no contribution to the running of the household on his 3 days off then he is taking the piss.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:47

If Op wasn't there, he would have to run his own household. On his 3 days off

I wonder what you think men did before they got married, fluffy ?

Mummy did all the shitwork, yeah ?

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 16:51

"to enable him to go out to work. 3 days on/3 days off"

What do you think "work" is? A trip to Disneyland followed by a Turkish bath?

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 16:55

What do you think being a SAHP is ?

Lying on the sofa eating bonbons ?

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 17:00

I think we are at cross-purposes here, AF. I have said twice on this thread that there is a division of labour in this household.

There is some good advice on this thread amongst the dross, but it is being drowned out by the subtext of "LTB." Are you married yourself or in a LTR?

WildBill · 11/06/2014 17:14

SAHP is a job though isn't it? you run the home, he (in this case) brings home the moolah that pays for the home.

His day is accountable to his employers clock, yours you can decide how to run your day........not quite sure why you think you have it so hard?

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 17:16

I am saying there is not a fair division of labour in this household. And OP, what with, yaknow, living it agrees with me.

I haven't said LTB, btw and my marital status has nothing to do with my views on this.

WildBill · 11/06/2014 17:16

''to enable him to go out to work. 3 days on/3 days off"

What do you think "work" is? A trip to Disneyland followed by a Turkish bath?

lol...quite! the money H earns enables OP to stay at home not the other way round..............

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 17:20

"I am saying there is not a fair division of labour in this household. And OP, what with, yaknow, living it agrees with me."

How is it "unfair"?

He labours in the workplace so she can labour at home. Sounds pretty equal to me.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 17:21

It's a partnership, not a charity

If Op's partner does not contribute to childcare and housework on his days off then OP gets no days off at all

and this is fair ?

AnyFucker · 11/06/2014 17:22

I am saddened to be having this conversation in 2014, tbh. It's Long Term Relationship 101, as far as I am concerned.

petalsandstars · 11/06/2014 17:24

OP

My DH works shifts in a pattern similar, he has been working today, out the door at 6am, he came in and looked after the DC while I cooked dinner and is currently hanging out the washing he put on when he emptied his bag of work clothes.

He will help bath the children and put one to bed while I bf the other. And then he'll tidy toys away downstairs.

And he sprained his ankle this afternoon.

Whilst I've been home today I have fed/washed up/ grocery shopped with DCs in tow and done laundry and hoovering.

This took a little while to get to and involved some rows and tears but it is a partnership.

I work shifts too btw. If he left everything to me I would be out of the relationship - and I told him so during the row!

petalsandstars · 11/06/2014 17:26

Sometimes you need ww3 though to make them understand. It shouldn't be needed though in 2014

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 17:29

"If Op's partner does not contribute to childcare and housework on his days off then OP gets no days off at all"

As I suggested earlier, I suspect she gives off a vibe of resentment to him that she takes his work (supporting her and their daughter) for granted. If he sensed gratitude and appreciation for all he does to allow her to stay home with their daughter (and yes, in this day and age being a SAHP is a luxury), he, in response to feeling appreciated, would be much more likely to want to please her in the home by helping out. In other words, she needs to take action to deal positively with this situation, and by "action" I DO NOT mean nagging and complaining.

It's male psychology 101.