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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Given a set amount of money - wrong?

202 replies

whynowblowwind · 22/05/2014 18:05

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

OP posts:
Batmam · 25/05/2014 07:05

You sound so much stronger already OP. Have you managed to speak to him yet about your finances? Like others I'm interested to know his immediate reaction. Don't tell him that you're thinking of leaving though, you've got so much to sort first. How realistic is it for you to buy a car asap?

Good luck

livingzuid · 25/05/2014 07:20

It's a natural thing to wonder about, who gets the children. Just rest assured that he will be fine in the long run and it's so much better to be in a happy household rather than this abusive toxic environment.

Why is there a need to build a nest egg if you don't mind me asking? You are entitled to 50% of any family money. Just because it is in an account not in your name does not mean you can't get access to it. You can get him to leave the property you are in at the moment as well. I do not mean to be mean in saying this but it sounds like he has you so beaten down that you would do anything to avoid a confrontation if that makes sense?

You need to think of what is best for you and your dcs not ways to make his life easier in case of a split :)

I honestly think a call to Women's Aid to talk through your options would be very beneficial and you may be entitled to legal aid. They will also be able to provide you with solicitors who are experienced at this sort of situation. Sadly it happens a lot.

And keep posting. There is some wonderful advice on mn like leweji's and others :)

Batmam · 25/05/2014 08:03

Sorry I didn't mean you leaving, figure of speech. He's the one that will have to leave obviously.

Pagwatch · 25/05/2014 08:44

Yy - go and get some legal advice. You have had great advice on here and you sound a world away from the slightly beaten person who started this thread. Good luck.

Clam - I understood exactly what you meant and you were right. I was agreeing with you -my comments were tongue in cheek but I was not aiming anything at the op. [smike]

Pagwatch · 25/05/2014 08:44

Wtf is smike ?
Grin

TheEnchantedForest · 25/05/2014 08:53

he has no mortgage to pay because of you.
He has no Childcare costs to pay because of you.

And all he has to give you is some weekly pocket money! Wow! there is a man in control.

I would be putting a complete stop to the pocket money thing and having a discussion whereby you make it clear that you expect to be treated as an equal in the relationship and as such you want a joint account where you both have equal access to money. wages should be treated as household money. he brings the salary as a contribution to the household. you provide the house itself and Childcare.

MarshaBrady · 25/05/2014 09:03

I don't blame you for feeling as you do. It is demeaning to have all decisions and access controlled by someone else. You need to make it more equal.

MarshaBrady · 25/05/2014 09:16

And reading on your last posts sound so much better.

whynowblowwind · 25/05/2014 09:22

Thank you Flowers

Nest egg wise, I am thinking long-term. I suppose I'm thinking of my future but more to the point the future for my children.

Teaching wise, I'm not great, I'll do Grin ironically marking and planning were always excellent but the area that kept tripping me up was behaviour. I HATE how rude teenagers are - I know it's "them", but ... and then it's ALWAYS your fault!

I'd love to be a nurse or a social worker. I wanted to be a nurse ages ago but got talked out of it. DH won't fund retraining when I'm married to him, never mind if I leave!

I can live with the kids mortgage free BUT there's still council tax, electricity, TV & internet, water rates, upkeep and maintenance of the home, school uniforms and childcare - biggie - hobbies, toys, I know some of these are cheap but you can't just live on fresh air either.

I need to get recent skills as well so at a push I could get A job, at least.

OP posts:
FengMa · 25/05/2014 09:28

You are certainly not being ridiculous, IMO. My DH is a SAHP and I wouldn't dream of giving him pocket money, like a child. We have a joint account and joint credit cards. We talk about big purchases or days out, whomever they are for. Otherwise, we trust each other not to hightail to Vegas, join a betting syndicate, buy Manolos etc...

tribpot · 25/05/2014 13:46

DH won't fund retraining

Honestly, if you needed further evidence of how fucked-up this is, that's it. You bought the ENTIRE HOUSE and yet he won't pay for retraining? What if you had say, only bought 80% of the house and kept the rest for yourself, to fund childcare whilst you retrained or whatever you wanted to do? It would still be unreasonable if there was money to support it without you having contributed such a very large lump sum, but in this particular circumstance he is, in the technical parlance, taking the fucking piss.

You do sound much more confident, and your idea of a townhouse sounds great. Hang on to your dream - it feels like you've found your way back to yourself again.

Lweji · 25/05/2014 15:12

If you can buy a new place outright, you can also mortgage it and fund your training, while providing funds for your living expenses while you do it.
But if you divorce, he is also obliged to provide you with support for the children AND yourself (spousal maintenance), as you stopped working because of him and the children. You can negotiate a larger % of the house for you, and also consider the income he has from the other place. A good solicitor will help you with this.
It's likely that he has a pension and savings, which are also marital assets.

Don't think for a second that you will have to live off the air.

whynowblowwind · 25/05/2014 17:42

Thanks Flowers

you lot are awesome x

OP posts:
Simile · 26/05/2014 08:05

You've had a lot of good advice why. I've been in a similar position so I've got a few things to say too.

He is being financially abusive by systemically shutting you out of online bank accounts, controlling all the money, refusing reasonable requests for money and insisting you're crap with money.

The first thing you need to do is open your own bank account. Do this asap. This will start your credit rating again.

Next apply for child benefit. This is a must. Child benefit is the basis of other benefits should you need them. Get this paid into your new account.

Get yourself onto his account, the one that he gives you the card.

Find any documentation that he had other assets and copy them.hide these copies away or give them to a friend for safekeeping. Include passports with this.

As you have the children and he will have other assets in his name eg savings, pension, you will not have to split the house 50/50. Particularly if the children stay with you most of the time you are entitled to a larger chunk of the house.

If you want to go into nursing there is an NHS bursary that will help you. It has a generous childcare allowance too. I'm on a similar course and I do not have fees to pay and am managing on this + other benefits + maintenance. Check out if theres any uni nursing fees though first.

You will also be able to claim free school meals, council tax reduction, child tax credit and the winter fuel allowance. It all adds up. But you must have child benefit first.

It's you do feel that your marriage is over, and can contain your feelings for a little while (not for everyone, its hard) then its worth making you and your children financially secure.

whynowblowwind · 26/05/2014 09:00

I doubt I'd be entitled to free school meals or any other benefits. If I was I'd be very taken aback, to be honest - we're far from the breadline.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 26/05/2014 09:15

Whynow you need to take legal advice on this. Citizens Advice is a good place to start and for free. You will be a single parent and that is viewed very differently from when you are married.

Don't think you won't be entitled - you don't know that yet. But do go and find out what you could be entitled to. There is no harm in that.

whynowblowwind · 26/05/2014 09:22

Well yes, but I'll be earning something (I'll have to) plus there may well be another adult in the house, and she earns a good salary, not quite up there with DH. But not far off.

Really what I want is speed, it's getting hard for me to be around here much longer but I don't think I can do much until September, possibly October time, looking at moving out in the new year,

You cannot get a CAB appointment round here, seriously, dd would be off to university before I could see anybody!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 26/05/2014 10:01

Our salaries go into a joint account.
At the start of the month, anything in there over a set amount which covets all our outgoings plus extra spending money, is swept by the bank into a savings account.
All bills paid by DDebit.
No credit cards but we do each have debit cards. The current account pays for everything normal- monthly outgoings, clothes, nights out, treats etc
Big household things like a washing machine needing replacing or holidays, come out of savings.

Simile · 26/05/2014 10:03

I've given you my situation why when I went back to university as a mature student and a single parent. I worked initially but could not keep up full-time uni, work and parenting.

I would echo living's suggestion of cab. Book one in, it will come around quicker than you think. Try the job centre for advice if you're stuck? When I was job-hunting they did offer benefits advice for my situation. Perhaps worth a try?

Also, don't move out of the house. I was sternly told by my solicitor not to. Best advice I received.

Pagwatch · 26/05/2014 10:06

Lulu - the thread has moved on quite a bit...

I am not sure where else you could get advice from whynow - not anything I know much about. But a friend of mine went to see a solicitor who did a first consultation free.
Could you phone a decent local solicitor and explain and see if they do similar. This can't be an unusual scenario.

livingzuid · 26/05/2014 10:41

HMRC also have a helpline I believe who are very helpful and you can talk to them to get some advice. No harm in trying CAB to see when they have a slot free and yes to solicitors! Good luck.

LittleMissMarker · 26/05/2014 18:19

I am so glad you’re feeling more confident. Can you open a bank account? I do understand you want to want to move quickly but do believe in yourself, taking one step at a time will get you there.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2014 09:13

So good to see you have come such a long way from the start of this thread.
I think we all knew this was the tip of the iceburg.
You have a good plan of action so you go for it.
But as others have said, make sure you get legal advice.
As you will have the DC you will be entitled to more than 50% and he will have to pay maintenace. You'll be better off than you think.

Well done. Keep that strength coming through!

CheesyBadger · 27/05/2014 09:18

I get money from dp and hate it. I need a part time job so I don't need to ask for top up

tribpot · 27/05/2014 09:41

It shouldn't be like that, though, CheesyBadger. I would hate if it my DH felt like he had to ask for a top up, esp as he has no option about getting a job (he is chronically ill).

Can you plan a budget together that gives you both fun money? I use You Need a Budget so we can see that when the fun money is gone, if we want to buy something else it needs to come from another category. That might be fine if it's something like savings for a yearly bill, where the shortfall can be made up next month, it might not be.

Equally doing a budget might show that a part-time job would be very beneficial to the family finances, and you could consider it on that basis, rather than simply because one person in the family keeps the dosh to themselves.

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