Given a set amount of money - wrong?

[whynowblowwind]

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

Just seen that this thread has moved along a bit and my post may not be so relevant now.

I'm just questioning a lot of stuff just now, fireside. It's helped others think this is OK.

A lot of money goes into savings, for DCs mainly. DH pays for my phone and iPad, grocery shopping and gives me cash every week. He has a hobby that can be expensive, though, I don't mind at all, I am not just saying this. In many ways less money more equality would be nice.

I think what I'm struggling with is feeling like everything is decided by somebody else.

Can I try to explain? I wanted to buy a book for my kindle and DH said no, get it from the library.

I will. But it's like, I KNOW he can afford a 3.99 kindle book. And it's hard - I could buy it from 'my' money but I want it on the kindle really.

I'm expressing myself clumsily. Sorry I'm not a very good writer.

I couldn't live like that OP. Tell him straight up that you want full access to the joint account. Don't let him brush you off. If you really are awful with money (and it doesn't sound like you are) then you can agree to both having personal accounts for spending money, as well as access to the joint account for household expenses. As things stand there's a serious power imbalance in your relationship.

If you had a bank account you could get whatever book you wanted. Would it be ok if you took up an expensive hobby? The more you post, the more old-fashioned and just unfair this seems.
Call his bluff and tell him you'd like to go back to work when the wee one is 6 months, as as a family you are clearly not earning enough money for comfortable living. Don't see why you need to retrain by the way, loads of teachers have young dcs, find something part time if possible.

So is part of the problem the fact you don't have your own account with a debit card? You can remedy that tomorrow if you want to.

And yes, why shouldn't you have a 4 quid book you know fine well you can afford to get? (As a complete aside you can borrow e-books from the library now but I do know that is not the point of the story).

I couldn't live like that, OP. And quite frankly I would never expect my DH to do so (he is the SAHP and I am the breadwinner).

Well I am someone who doesn't like paying for books if I can get them from the library (we have good access to libraries, urban area.) We're well off but I didn't used to be and I'm keen to put money away into the mortgage/investments rather than small things like that.

However, I do have other little treats I'll get myself, I just pay for them from my own account and wouldn't even consider asking DH. In fact, it is his debit card which is linked to my Amazon account, so all my purchases from there don't come out of my monthly payment. A lot of my online spending is registered using DH's card, so I don't feel as if I'm limited with my spending money every month. Having a joint account or your own account is not the issue, what is worrying is that you feel you need to get permission for such small purchases.

I get 'my' money on Friday and I bought a new dress (and one for DD) for an afternoon tea thing on Tuesday. So I don't have any money left hence asking about the book. So I suppose I should have budgeted better. It's just like I say, I know he can easily afford it.

He doesn't come from a well off background at all though and he does still have this attitude about money.

Whynot, I don't think this thread really is people telling you to "Get a grip" in the sense of "earn your keep" and "buckle up" - you're just hearing it that way, because you're made to feel like you're a drain on the family finances. We're saying - get a grip, in the sense that you have just as much right to know where all the family money is, and just as much say in how it's spent. Because what you're saying is very worrying, and we want you to feel more empowered.

You've told us that:

• at a very vulnerable time in your life, newly bereaved and with a young child, your DH made the unilateral decision to close down your joint account and open a single one, thus blocking your access to any money.
• you can't get a car, which would give you much more freedom, because your husband would refuse to pay for its upkeep. Although there is lots of extra money. And you have a tiny baby.
• you want to go back to work when your baby is older, but without a car, paid childcare, or access to money that will be harder than otherwise
• one house was paid for 100% by you, and that is a jointly owned house. Yet another house is entirely his.
• do you have access to the ISA that the proceeds of your previously-owned house went into? Or is he the sole trustee?
• you have previously wanted to leave your husband, but there was an accidental(?) pregnancy

Can you see how all of this adds up? Slowly but surely, you've lost a hell of a lot of negotiating power in this relationship. If not for your Dad's inheritance (and I'm sorry for your loss), you'd be completely dependent on your DH. As it is, despite your obviously being a very affluent family, you can't get around by car, can't find work although you want to, can't buy an ebook when you choose. You feel stuck, you feel demeaned, and your DH dismisses this.

It's not a good picture, OP.

Reading this thread, I didn't interpreted anyone getting angry with you or accusing you of being a sponger.

I read that people were angry and concerned for you.

What tortoise said. I echo this completely.

You need a full picture of your family finances, access to them, and a say in how the money is spent.

Have you ever asked your husband why he closed your joint account and opened a solo one?

I don't know really. I'm a SAHM but I manage finances in our house as my husband's financial management is diabolical (think keep spending until you get to your overdraft limit then just extend it....)

So now we do both have a cash allowance each per week. I take a set amount out and dole it out - it is literally only our "pocket money" though as all public transport, petrol, bills, supermarket shop, clothes, gifts, etc comes out of the joint account.

We both have a debit card for the account which we use for bigger spending but as I manage the finances I ask him to at least tell me if he's used the card because we don't have loads of spare money in the current account.

DH doesn't like it but I think he would struggle to think of a good alternative as he literally can not stick to any kind of budget so in order to keep ourselves solvent and afford to be able to go on holidays, out for meals, buy nice presents for the children, save some money etc there isn't really another way to do it.

He previously had a single current account with an allowance in (as did I) and a credit card and ended up £1500 in debt over a year or so, which we obviously had to pay back out of the "joint money" so we have now just stuck to one joint current account, one joint savings, and our "own money" is cash.

What Tortoise wrote.

"I think what I'm struggling with is feeling like everything is decided by somebody else"

You feel like that because this is indeed actually happening to you; you have no financial say at all. He holds all the financial purse strings here and is keeping a tight rein on them.

He would likely buy something nice for his hobby (what is that btw) without consulting you first but has the gall to tell you to borrow the book from the library rather than letting you spend £4 on it for your Kindle. This is so wrong and on so many levels. I am also wondering if he is "mean with money, mean with love".

I think you have been and are still being financially abused here by him. This type of abuse is insidious in its onset as well and I also think he has taken advantage of you re the overall financial picture which is also well skewed in his favour.

Would you want your children to be living like this in their own adult relationships?.

It's essentially financial abuse, that you have an allowance and no say in family money.

You should get legal and financial advice.

And pp is right. How was the joint account closed? It should have needed both signatures.

Sorry I've read some more of this now - sounds like a different situation - if DH wants something for his hobby he just buys it - or online books/music/games etc.

This seems less about amounts than the dynamic. You obviously don't like how it makes you feel like a pet! That really stood out when I read your post and it really doesn't sound very nice for you!

Seems like the issue over the kindle purchase raises questions about your grasp on family finances and what sounds far too much control on your dhs part

Inevitably one person might be better with finances than another but it doesn't mean you don't want it to be more transparent.

I am currently on maternity leave. I tend to do the finances but in an effort to get dhs thoughts and be open I do all the finances in a book which is on our desk. I put money for food, transport, toiletries etc in envelopes (idea I picked up on here for money saving and debt management!) then we we each have equal spending in our accounts. Even though dh isn't as involved I came up with this way of doing things because I wanted to be as fair as possible and when all money was coming into my account for food etc and he just got spending I felt too much responsibility and in charge of it without his input.

How are things in other areas of your relationship? Do you feel he respects you?

I get 'my' money on Friday and I bought a new dress (and one for DD) for an afternoon tea thing on Tuesday. So I don't have any money left hence asking about the book. So I suppose I should have budgeted better. It's just like I say, I know he can easily afford it.

If he can easily afford it, then so can you. It is not just his money

Since today is the day you get your money, can I suggest you take some of it today and go and open a current account, anywhere at all, as a first step. Second one is going to be talking to him about it all, not an easy thing I know.

I agree, first step is opening your own current account, preferably today.

Second step, ring up about child tax credits.

Third, sit down and talk to him about how things are going to be different from now, in terms of decision-making and access to money.

I'm sorry my dear but I think this is horrendous! You couldn't buy a four quid book when you don't even have a mortgage, that's ridiculous. You should have access to the family bank account, assuming you didn't go batshit crazy and run up loads of debt before it's financial abuse.

If you don't like physically being given cash, then open a bank account and get some transferred automatically each month. Opening accounts is easy today, especially if you have a good credit rating. You can even get credit cards online.

I think you have slipped into this situation without realising, and now want to take control. That's a positive sign.

Look at the money saving expert website. They have budget plans. You can put in all your expenditures and incomes and work out your monthly finances. By doing this, you know where you stand, and you may find you can afford a car. It helped me get a grip of finances.

So you get a 'generous' amount and 'you're not great with money'........

I think you're probably set up about right.

The fact that you get a set amount shouldn't bother you. I get a set amount from my employer every month. That's how things are for most people. I guess it could be an issue if at the end of any given month you don't have enough money.

Sorry, my pc was only showing page 1 of the thread. I hadn't/couldn't read beyond that.

This sounds AWFUL.
That you had to ask for a £3.99 book, and that he said no. Bloody hell.
You bought 2 dresses and your whole week's spends were gone, when as a family you take home about £3.5K with no mortgage or childcare costs.

I'm dubious about the amount being saved for children, tbh. You say proceeds from a joint house sale went into ISAs for them... You know there's quite a low limit for children's ISAs?
I have put some of my daughter's money (money I saved for her) into an ISA in MY name. I could just take it at any time.

Between you it is fine to agree a weekly budget, but then just stick to that budget from the joint account.

I think this is much bigger though - you said you were going to leave him before. Do you want to talk about why?

And as for being too scared to ask for a car...

WTAF! Looking after the house and children is absolutely the same as working. I've never been a SAHM apart from my mat leaves but if I became one I would totally expect my contribution to be valued as highly as having a job. You are raising children!

Was it your DH who told you what you do 'isn't the same as real work'?