Given a set amount of money - wrong?

[whynowblowwind]

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

I'm probably going to get shot for this but I do have a valid reason. I hold all the bank cards I'm a SAHM, DP has to ask for money I give him enough each day to get food e.t.c whilst he's at work. I take care of the finances, invoices, tax return, food shopping you name I do it But this works for us considering I know everything gets paid.

I can agree coming from a life of independence I would find it demeaning to be given money as I would prefer to earn it myself but my DP is useless with money we wouldn't have a home if he was in charge.

I get 'my' money on Friday and I bought a new dress (and one for DD) for an afternoon tea thing on Tuesday. So I don't have any money left hence asking about the book. So I suppose I should have budgeted better. It's just like I say, I know he can easily afford it.

I think this says it all - you had an amount of money which you spent but you still want more? previously you have mentioned your bad with money... I think you need to learn to budget better, its not about spending money all the time, did you really need the book - why not go to the library and borrow it? although your dh earns a good salary it only goes so far - its not endless... I can understand why your DH behaves they way he does.

My work does the sane with my salary. What are yo complaining about? You could always solve this problem by earning your own money.

You gave up your own bank account and your husband transferred all the money from your joint account into one his own name? You have no independent financial presence at all and you don’t even get weekly child benefit paid to you independently via the tax system as your child’s main carer? Well, you are right to feel concerned.

Being given cash by your husband in this way would not be demeaning if you wanted it that way (though it could still be dangerous), or if there was a very good reason for it. But you don’t want it that way and you haven’t told us any good reasons. You say you are bad with money but you haven’t been financially irresponsible. You haven’t run up huge debts, and you still have money in a savings account. You paid for the family home. You are not earning because you are at home caring for your young children, so you are still a contributing member of the household. You sound as if you lack confidence with money. That is not the same thing as being bad with it.

Your husband dismissing your concerns as “ridiculous” is very wrong. His background does not explain or excuse his behaviour. Nice people can have a discussion about different expectations that come from different backgrounds and find an agreement that is comfortable for both of them. If he can’t, then that does not make him a nice person.

I am very sorry but I do think your husband’s behaviour at the moment is controlling, selfish and greedy.

And what to do? Well, you might talk to your DH about it again, although his dismissive attitude is not encouraging. He is behaving as if he does not trust you with money at all, and that might be a good place to start a conversation. Why doesn’t he trust you with a joint bank account? Why couldn’t he pay a regular amount of money into your own bank account (enough to cover your supermarket bill and other family purchases you make such as things for your child(ren), plus a fair amount of personal spending money) and leave you to manage exactly how it is spent?

Alternatively, you could build up your own confidence and your financial presence a little bit first. Over the next month or so, skip a few Costa Coffees and put away a tenner or so each week into an envelope in your sock drawer. Then open a current account with the money. You might prefer a “basic” account, especially if you fear you might accidentally go overdrawn or if you think you would fail a credit check without your husband’s support. This web site explains how to set up a basic current account:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/basic-bank-accounts

Then consider talking to your husband about what you have done and how you would like to share management of the family finances in future. If you think he will be pleased and proud because you have shown you can be so financially responsible, all well and good. If you think he will be angry because how dare you save money and open an account without his say-so, then I’m afraid you really do have a problem.

For goodness sake people - RTFT!!!!

I don't like the sound of this OP.
Your DH lives mortgage free because you bought the house outright with your inheretance.
You have an equal share of money.
How expensive were the dresses?
I'd be interested to hear how much money he gives you.

Firstly though - when you get your money today, open your own current account. Get your own debit card.
Then find out about who's names are on the deeds to your house.
Then find out where the money is that your dad left you as you sound unsure on this point and you should certainly know where it is.
Does your DH know? You can tell him you want to take control of that money. Don't put it into a current account if you aren't good with money. You can put it into a savings account where you need to give notice of any money you might want from it.

Then you need to sit down with your DH and tell him you don't like how things are working.
You want him to tell you all about family finances.
How much does he take home a month?
What happens to the money?
Tell him you want to be involved in family finances as you are feeling very out of control of your life.
His response to this will tell you all you need to know!

Peggy it doesnt say it all. That diminishes all the other things op has shared. For example the op has said her dh has an expensive hobby? Is his spending under the same scrutiny. Perhaps the op would like her own copy of the book and if the money is there why not? So really this isn't about the money - it's about control and how the op and her dh communicate.

Op - how are other aspects of the relationship. Are there other things that niggle or don't feel right?

Great post hellsbellsmelon

And the fact he wouldn't be too happy to pay for your car to be on the road is a massive red flag for me.
It's not HIS money. It's just as much your money. If you want a car then you get a car! This is not right at all.

It seems he is taking all your independence away from you.
Do you have other family or friends around you can talk to about all this?

It screams to me of a controlling man.
I hope I'm wrong.

RTFT people. Someone who owns their own home outright, whose DH has property investments and whose family income is in excess of £3k a month should not be scrabbling around for £4 for a book!

(Off topic - has anyone actually been to a library lately and looked at the range of books available? If so you would know what a ridiculous remark that was.)

Also the OP's DH is not her employer FFS so that is a ridiculous analogy to make.

You are being financially abused OP and agree with the recommendations others have made - open your own account today and start claiming CB - and demanding equal access to family money - legally it is YOUR money to share)

Xpost with Hellsbells - what she said

yes, but somehow I don't see that happen Tandelayoetc.

You and I cannot even imagine accepting such a set-up, but for OP it must have seemed "normal", I cannot see someone suddenly standing up for themselves after accepting being treated like this. Sadly.

Or, what hellsbells said!

hells bells advice is GREAT.

Could you do that OP?

Chelayhandy - she bought their bloody house outright, is that not a contribution? And she has a new baby, a time when we generally don't give women stick for not bringing home a pay packet!
She has already said her dh has an expensive hobby, yet she can't afford a kindle book. Not sure also why dd's dress comes out of her personal money either.

I think there are a couple of relevant bits of info missing from this thread. 1. Exactly how bad with money has the OP been in the past? 2. What is the amount given to her weekly?

I don't like the sound of the set up, but if the OP has been really appallingly bad with money in the past, the weekly amount if it is a fair amount might be a sensible approach.

But the book and the car ring alarm bells. As do the house proceeds being nowhere to be seen. With a 60k income and no mortgage, no one in the household should be having to worry about spending £3.99.

I have seen no evidence from the OP on this entire thread re her own self being bad with money. She has allowed herself to become financially vulnerable and is now completely dependent on him financially. His own financial actions are questionable to say the very least with regards to OP; his latest suggestion to actually borrow the book from the library rather than allowing OP to spend £3.99 on a kindle book to me also smacks of financial abuse. This is all about power and control and financially currently he has absolute. He will not relinquish any of that power lightly if at all.

He may well be the epitome of the saying, "mean with money, mean with love".

What if you opened a bank account and he transferred the money into it instead? Then you could save if you wanted. You could tutor when your youngest is old enough to be left (if bf - if ff could start now?) on a Saturday, when DH could look after the children.

My mum had 'housekeeping' from my Dad. It was from the 'bills' account and she had a card, but she had to keep to the budget. Sometimes she moaned, and she did a little tutoring for extra spending, but now she's ill and my dad is her carer, they really need the money he saved for their retirement. There was never anything dodgy going on - he is currently devastated that she's so ill and desperate not to have to put her into a home because he's worried how she'll be treated.

I'm also SAHM at the moment. I manage the finances (DH is lovely but useless with money) and HE gets an allowance to spend on 'fun' things! If I didn't, he could (and has) spend over £200 a month on extra food/coffees/lunches etc!! I get the class fees for my hobby free as I help out, buy clothes from charity shops - not because I have to, but because I'm as 'mean' as my Dad I guess! It is my choice though, and it means we have the money to repair the car/fix the boiler/go on day trips out.

This reminds me of my ex going through our outgoings and being shitty about my £2 a month donation to Oxfam!
(that was when I questioned his tens of pounds per week on gambling...)

Basically he is telling you that you can't buy dresses when you want to and you have to ask his permission for these extras.

I agree with eurochick, I think we need to know how much you're getting OP. If I were to buy a dress for myself and my DD (4 months) it would easily be the best part of £100.

However! I did come on to say that I know how you feel. My DH gives me 'pin money' every month and when it first started I found it really hard and yes demeaning to have to ask all the time. So I told him and now every month we sit down and go through upcoming expenses. I add anything I and the kids need to this. We also have a joint credit card which works well. I wouldn't want a joint bank acc if I'm honest, not keen on having my personal spends analysed! You need ti sit diwn and have a proper chat.

The amount she is getting is completely irrelevant when you are talking about a family who seems - on the face of it - very financially secure and asset rich compared to the vast majority of the population.

Besides - if two dresses mean you are out £3.99 for a book - it's clearly not enough.

OP has said she has not run up massive debts and had major problems. It sounds to me as if her definition of 'not good with money' comes from her DH, and his definition of 'not good with money' equates to 'not tight and controlling'. Sorry, but this is definitely a financial abuse situation, OP. You need to open your own account, claim Child Benefit to be paid into it and then have some very serious conversations with your DH. He took control of everything when you are vulnerable, but if he had done that with the best of intentions he would have let you have control of your own finances once you recovered. The fact that he has not given you any control suggests he does not have your best interests at heart.

And unless the dresses you bought were designer dresses costing £megabucks, he is not giving you enough money anyway. Saying no to a 4 quid kindle purchase when he has an expensive hobby is also a red flag.

How much do you get OP? I agree that you should have a bank account - it's fine if it's your decision to use cash only but having to ask to buy a £3.99 book (and them not being allowed to have it) is quite horrible really.

With all due respect you can not have run up massive debts but still blow through money (have a friend with a DH like this). I think we need to know amounts really as do you OP! You need to know what goes where every month. You also need to get a bank account asap and if there is a lage amount DH is currently paying out every month then get that channeled through your account so you have money coming in and out. You need to get the child benefit too, you can always claim but not receive the actual money if your DH doesn't want the hassle of paying back (it's not that much hassle anyway) it's important for other reasons.

Ask to have a conversation amount what goes where then see what he says. Agree bit weird about the bank account but if you were upset about your dad then maybe he didn't want to stress you?

We have a joint account and I have a card and can use it whenever I need too albeit not very often. I also have a separate account which DH puts money in every month. This works much better as I know how much is available for me to spend on food, petrol, the children whereas when we were just running the joint account I didn't know how much was needed for bills. With expensive months DH either tells me to use the joint or puts more in to mine from savings.

Most people wouldn't have lots spare if they'd bought dresses for a special occasion. I know that would have been all my spending money for the MONTH when I worked and lived on my own. I think you should know where the money goes, and what's what. Regarding actual amounts though, if those two dresses were £100 - you would be getting £400 a month for 'fun' things and clothes. When I worked part-time, that was my salary for the month - we bought all our food, sundries, paid for diesel for my car, pet food/vet bills etc out of that.