Given a set amount of money - wrong?

[whynowblowwind]

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

So much usefull advise here. Just want to say:
You as a family have decided that you will stay home some years looking after the kids while your husband works. So his income is your joint income. Half is yours. You are a partneship where he is providing the finances and you provide the "home-services" (for lack of a better word). It is a massive advantage for him in his job that you take care of the kids and the home. He never needs to take time off work or leave work early like parents where both work has to.
It is important that both of you have this as a starting point/platform for discussing the family finances.

OP, you come across as completely unsure of yourself. There are some basic facts to consider:
If you went back to work tomorrow, your DH would need to spend a small fortune paying for cleaner/child care etc to cover all the jobs that you do.
He is able to earn his money BECAUSE you are at home dealing with school runs/ill children etc. his career would likely have slowed if he had had to take time off to deal with these things
Wanting to feel equal to your husband is normal.
You have the right not to like the current set up
Taking time off to have a family is a perfectly legitimate idea

Even if you are unsure of your feelings, this is something you can tackle - get an account and tell DH you need to talk finances. Open the discussion and see what happen - you can go from there.

You sound lovely OP and you are expressing yourself well.

I work pt (teacher also) and DH earns a lot more than me but we only have one account which everything goes in and out of. As a previous poster said, it's a household income not his, and I believe marriage means sharing everything, esp when you have DC. (I have more inheritance/savings than him before anyone says that I wpuld say that.) He values what I do that I don't get 'paid' for (more housework and childcare) and we are equal no matter who actually goes out and earns the most.

One joint acc doesn't suit everyone but I couldn't bear the bickering that I see between some couples about who's money bought what. I've got one friend who has to give her DH her mileage every time she goes out in the car so that he can take the fuel off her spending money!!

But for you OP like everyone says the priority is for you to get your own bank account. Something like Santander 123 gives you cashback on spending and good interest on positive balances so might be an incentive for you to save?

I am worried whether or not the house YOU bought is in your name or not if he sees money as either his or yours. And then to give you 'pocket money' in cash each month is deeply patronising, yes.

Why did you move areas?

Also can you make friends and create a support network

I wanted to move :)

I've got friends, it's hard though as most are at work and there aren't s lot of baby groups in the area.

Thanks batmam :)

So, have you got a little plan yet, about how to start moving from where you are now to where you want to be?
Presumably your dh is around at the weekend, so a good opportunity for a chat. Hopefully you have seen from this thread that your feelings are not at all unreasonable

The "buy yourself something pretty" remark up-thread was pagwatch, with her tongue firmly in her cheek.

Whynow, you sound very, I don't know, deflated? Maybe it's time to get, if not angry, then certainly a bit more assertive about all this. Maybe you're more depressed than you thought.

And as your inheritance means you and your h are saving hundreds of pounds a month on mortgage payments, plus you being a SAHM means you're not paying out for childcare, then I'd say you're more than pulling your weight financially in the household.

Has this come about because your dh just did it, with good intentions but without really realising you're unhappy about it, or do you think there is a more sinister motive behind it? Either way, by bringing it up with him, his response will tell you what you need to know.

You sound very nice, by the way.

Yes, it was me and it wasn't sarcastic - I do not feel the slightest bit that you are a woman wanting to sit at home painting your nail. It angers me tbh.
The idea that what you do, what you contribute to the home, should be treated with a pat on the head like a well behaved child is nonsense.

You deserve much better. I have been a shm for 18 years. If my dh offered to give me a 'generous' cash amount each week I would feel extremely offended. I am his partner. I contribute as much to our life together as he does.

Your DHis treating you in a highly patronising way.

Well said Pag.

How much the working out of the home parent earns is not really relevant and the idea that the more s/he earns the more important they are to the household needs to go. If it were not for the stay at home parent the woh parent could not have the family life and career they have.

It is an equal partnership. Each person enables the household to function and to take away either person's contribution would stop the household functioning.

I know I've been told off for apologising but I will here because I completely misread your message pag and I genuinely apologise for that. Thank you

Truth is, the marriage is over, has been for - I don't know. I can't see myself living like this much longer. I semi thought I could move out when DD left home but I don't think I can take eighteen years plus of this!

I was a twat to have another baby with him but I'm not even going down the road of regretting that as it would be a lie as these children are fantastic.

I am still trained and qualified to teach English. I had a chat with an old friend of mine earlier - she is retired and has agreed that if I can sign up with a supply agency for September she will have DD for two days a week (I will pay her out of my earnings but I need the flexibility just now which childminder/nursery wouldn't offer.) I'll buy some old banger car then too, out of my ISA.

Hopefully I'll have a small wad by January ''15 and be able to support the three of us.

I think he should be the one to move out but he won't go without a fight, so ... To be honest I am past the point of caring, if I loose everything I don't give a damn, just my children. That's all. He can have the rest.

Yes - you still need to stop that apologising thing

I think you sound rather marvellous to be truthful.

I can be in some ways although it tends to be in times of crisis, which is why I nearly got rid after my dad died. I just let myself get taken back in with what was easy and I am starting to fundamentally identify this as the problem, in some ways I am VERY lazy (I don't mean work ethic wise - I am very hard working really) but I like a simple life. That was wrong.

For all my faults and failings though, I really do love my children as we all do and I'm starting to see I'm not helping them, I'm hurting them - by presenting us as what a relationship should be, by non verbally saying to my daughter it's better this than to be alone, and telling my son this is how you treat your girlfriend/wife - not that I think my son would, he's lovely, but you learn to BE an adult from the adults around you, don't you?

I have to say I did not see it coming and I like your attitude in the most recent posts. :)

I hope you keep your resolve until you are ready to leave.

I'd urge you to get legal advice now, get to know about the finances and the properties, and start saving up but don't discuss it with him.
And prepare yourself for him resisting and undermining you when you want to go back to work. If (when) he does, take strength from friends or here.

pag by "tongue-in-cheek" I think I meant what you just said. Badly-put on my part, but I wondered if there might be some posters who thought you seriously meant she should be grateful.

Please don't let him have your house! That was paid for with your dad's money.

What clam said. Don't get so down that you lose the house - he's got his own one he can live in, he's hardly going to be homeless.

The kindle thing might have woken up a bit of energy to go, "Just a sec, I was left enough money to buy a house and apparently I can't afford a book - wtf?".

See a lawyer. Soon. Your paying off the mortgage is worth at least hundreds a month. Thousands at the end of the term. Your housework, caring for children and the home is worth at least hundreds a month. You are saving thousands and feeling that you have to apologise and ask for money. Bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if your contribution was far more than his. Just financially, not even considering what you are bringing to the table in terms of emotional care for your DC.

See a lawyer. Soon.

OP I think you sound fab and trying to grapple with very challenging issues where others would passively accept the status quo.

As others have observed you sound extremely lacking in confidence which is sad as there is so much you are capable of doing/are doing. You obviously have a lot going for you and are a clever lady - qualifying to teach and surviving in teaching require a great deal of patience and skill! You mentioned earlier on in the thread that you weren't doing very well at your profession - but would this coincide with the death of your father and miscarriage etc? I would not be so quick to write yourself off :) and then are many things in the educational sector you could go onto do if teaching is not something you want long term.

I am really shocked by reading how your H handles money with you, or not as the case seems to be. I will be the only earner soon and dh staying at home with the baby but everything I have is his and vice versa. We work our the budget together and we agree on purchases together. At the moment we only have my account as he's Dutch and also has not bothered to get a UK one yet, but he has access online to my account so can see everything. One day when we are a bit more stable financially we will give ourselves the same amount of pocket money each. We also save for our dd by putting aside ten euro a week in a piggy bank. It's small fry I know, but I can't imagine not being 100% open about finances and agreeing spend with my dh.

The amount of money on an outfit for your child is irrelevant for me - why are you having to pay for clothes for your children out of your weekly money? Any spending on things for the kids come from joint finances surely? And if you want to spend that, you and a family can easily afford it - we know, or we hope we know, that somewhere in that sole account dh has a fair bit stashed away. The issue is one of his control, not because you are spending money the family doesn't have.

I do think you should quietly seek legal advice - from your more recent posts it seems like you want out. I also wondered whether it was worth calling Women's Aid as you seem to be on the receiving end of financial abuse - they can give you advice if you want to split. In a divorce it is typically a 50\50 divide between assets and debt. And your H will also be required to pay maintenance.

Echo the advice for you to get counselling. If you are struggling with depression have you been to your GP? It may be possible to access something like CBT which is very effective. And just taking through the situation with a gp or someone else out of your situation always helps.

And get a bank account as a matter of priority!

Good luck

Oh and I loved the monsoon outfit. I'm about to have a dd and look forward to dressing her up in their kids occasion wear stuff - so cute!

Living I know it is VERY un-Mumsnetty to admit this, but I was made UP when I found out Dc2 was a girl because of the clothes! Congratulations on your daughter I love having both! though - my son is fantastic, he's so kind and sensitive to other children at school and to our animals and his sister.

I've been scrabbling through paperwork this afternoon (DH is at his hobby) and our house appears to be in our names, so that's good. I don't mind him having half. I guess if the tables were turned, I'd want half. But ours is quite a big house in a rural location - it's worth, well, enough to buy two homes suitable for both of us when split down the middle. I've been on rightmove and could afford a small but 'nice' (you know what I mean!) terrace in the town centre - I'd like to be closer to stuff, with three bedrooms and a little garden - outright and STILL have enough for savings for emergencies/kids/holiday.

I feel bursting with energy just now and alive, properly. I'm actually excited about the future. Scared, but excited. Everyone is going to think I'm insane, I don't care. I can see a life where I have my own house and the children can grow and be happy and secure.

The only cloud is if DS says he wants to stay with his dad I really can't see this happening, if it does, I'll sort of have to respect his wishes, but I don't think it will happen. And I know DH isn't going to be pleasant but I feel pretty strong just now and I can stand up to this, I have so many counts of unreasonable behaviour (I've only really scratched the surface here!)

I can't thank you all enough

Whynow - well done. You sound like a different person already. The word that comes to mind is Energised, and positive. Sorry, that's two words. All the best for the future.

You do sound so much more positive which is great :)

Knowledge is power and security. I would seek legal advice as to what you are entitled to before you make a plan. And don't tell your H which sounds obvious, apologies, but if he is funny about money now believe me he will be 100 times worse if he knows you want out. Once you have made your plan, then you can raise it with him. Take advice from your lawyer on when to share.

Bear in mind you have two dcs to take care of and you need to receive what is fair. Don't feel like you can't take what your solicitor says you are entitled to. I did this with my XH just to get away and it was a big mistake. You have contributed just as much to this relationship financially and with everything else.

Ignore what everyone else says. They don't know and their opinion is irrelevant. These boards are full of successful single parent families. It can be done.

Is your ds not still very young? I thought it was 12 when they could choose? I have not much knowledge in this area and someone who does know can explain it much better, but your son should be with you - he doesn't get a choice I don't think unless it's a ss type decision. Children stay with the primary carer which is in this case you.

And yes to the excitement of dressing up a girl :) I think I have to enjoy it whilst she is young enough to wear what I put her in without argument thank you for your good wishes, scary but exciting!

Thanks, he's 7. He's so mature, in many ways though.

I think he would prefer to be with me anyway, I am probably creating a problem where none exists.

The first step is building a little nest egg for us!

Reading back, I bet he holds the children's accounts, doesn't he?
I'd be looking with the solicitor to means of him not being able to touch that money. Freezing the accounts and transferring them to your name.
Men like this are not only abusive in terms of controlling the money and I'm not surprised at your mention of mote unrrasonable behaviour. I bet you found it hard to work and be a mother because you had no support from him. He wants you at home, isolated and financially in the dark.

It would be interesting to see his reaction if you told him you wanted to analyse family finances, as it was odd not being able to afford a book.
How do you go places? Does he take you or do you get a cab?
Could you shame him with other people into agreeing to buy a car? These men are often so worried about appearances that you could use it to your advantage.

Yes see a lawyer. Don't lose your house (or at the very least your share of the value of it)