Given a set amount of money - wrong?

[whynowblowwind]

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

Thanks. Like I've said, I'd be happy to earn my "own" money. It's difficult with young children, though.

I don't really want to get into amounts, to be honest, the dresses weren't cheap (mine was £90, DDs £50. She did look gorgeous in it though :)) I don't buy things like that every week but I was going to a lunch thing (had to buy a train ticket there too) and there were lots of photographs taken and I wanted to look nice.

Anyway the above isn't the point, I know.

What happened was this, I am scatterbrained by my own admission. When on maternity leave with DS (so 7 years ago!) I did spend too much - it was boredom and it was also having put on a lot of weight when I was expecting him I did go through a "this outfit will change my life" stage. I WAS working though. I was a teacher so my income wasn't as good as DHs but it was significant. Anyway we kept rowing about money - it was constant point scoring and you spent this yeah well you spent that. Unhappy times.

So rewind 3 years, and my dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly, he was only 67. My mum had died when I was 15. I can't honestly remember much about that time. I've posted a bit on here before but basically we were really considering ending the marriage, I was thinking about moving with DS into my dad's old home and setting up a new life there with a good friend (so I wouldn't have been on my own.) DH wanted to try again but one of the things he said was he felt working and being a mum was too much and DS had started school so needed to move to a new school in a new area and would need me around, so I/we decided to take time out and at first it did work really well. We moved spring 2012 and we tried for another baby, sadly the first attempt ended in miscarriage, then second time last summer we got lucky and I had DD last month. And he's getting twitchy again, I'm bored and a bit depressed, he's spending more time on his hobby.

So that's where we're at. I've only not worked for 3 years, and to be fair I have contributed massively through inheritance/savings, although obviously, I'd rather not have had to

I wish my mum & dad were here so much

Bronya, I do know what you're saying, and I'm not trying to claim I am poverty stricken by any stretch of the imagination. I do know we are lucky to be secure financially and that DH has a good job.

Someone up the thread said sarcastically "go and buy something pretty." It's that sort of attitude I suppose I am fighting against, I never planned to be a simpering smirky sort who sits there painting her nails. It's difficult to put into words how demeaning it can feel to be given a wad of cash with a careless sort of offhand way. I'm not very good at expressing myself sorry.

I would hate this too. Yanbu.

But bronya not everyone earns 60k a year either? The amount of money is really nothing close to the point.

FFS this is 2014.

Would you say to the managing director of a company "Well you don't need much. You just sit there and manage stuff in the office. These members of staff are the ones making sales and physically creating these things, they deserve more money than you." Would you tell the cleaner that they're not making any money for the company so they don't deserve any pay? No, of course you wouldn't. Because within an organisation (and a family is the same) the money comes in and out of that pool it is shared out between the different costs - the running costs of the business and then it's divided up between the employees, CEO and shareholders.

In short, it doesn't matter who physically brings it in. It doesn't make it "his".

He said no to a £3.99 book. He probably spends more than that on lunch without thinking about it. No, this is not okay, and whether it's thoughtlessness on his part or actual control you need to sit down and discuss it - that will tell you, in fact, whether it is control or thoughtlessness.

he felt working and being a mum was too much
HE felt!?
What did you feel?
This really does seem to be all about him.
As we've said though, you need to sit him down and talk to him.
Does he help out with the baby at all? The housework?

Take it a step at a time OP. Why not get that account sorted out. You don't need to ask him first. Ask him to transfer the money to you instead, and while you're at it say you need more, prices have gone up. Later you could say the bank were asking you about all your assets, so could you get info on the house, children's isas etc for financial planning.

If you do end up with relationship difficulties in the future (and I can't believe you were basically told not to work when you'd only one dc, who was 7 ) then that is not the time to try to find out about money, as things might be acrimonious.

He was 4 at the time.

I do think it was proving a bit much, to be honest, and plus I wasn't very good at my former career.

DD is breastfed. I do the house stuff but then I don't work so that's fair enough.

What really strikes me is that you, OP, keep apologizing to us here on this thread.
FFS!
Stop apologizing. It sounds like your confidence is in the floor.

Look, it's not about the money, but the fact that you have to ask and are told you're being ridiculous. Being given cash is like being treated like a child with pocket money.

But there is LOTS going on here and I'd recommend Counselling to help you decide how to move forward.

• I don't think you want to be married to him. I think you don't want your family to be split, etc - but nothing about your posts suggests you want to be with him. Don't apologize if that's the case - it's fine.

• when you were thinking of leaving, you mentioned a friend so you wouldn't be alone. Get Counselling. Even if you stay married, you NEED to not to frightened to be alone

• £50 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a dress for a newborn for afternoon tea. I say this not about managing money, and of course the point here is that it's your money, not mine, you can do what you like. But look - you said already you bought previously "the outfit that would change your life". Your husband is WRONG but you need to think about why you're so unhappy that you want to spend £50 on a dress for a newborn. Because I don't think you did it because it's your money and you want to - which is fine. I think you did it because you're miserable.

• stop buying the crap that you're bad with money. I'm fucking awesome with money. You know what though? I've had moments where I've realised I've overspent and has to rein it in. I think it is a concern that you haven't got enough savings from your pocket money (FFS) to cover for a £4 book. But I fully believe that you're quite capable of it, but have fallen into a pattern of spending all your pocket money because you're unhappy and feel helpless.

Seriously, get Counselling.

But do this:

• open your account
• work out his income, less any savings you both commit to, less bills, and divided by 2
• if you don't "trust" yourself with that full anount then work out why not. But in short term you can always transfer it straight to your savings.
• tell him that is the amount you need to have transferred every month to your own account
• if you need some confidence building in managing money, get it - great resources on line
• find out whose names are on the deeds of the property you bought
• find out where all the savings are going
• look over your entire household budget and decide whether you can afford another car, as a family, and tell him that you want it and that as a family you can afford it. I'd place a bet on him having a nice car... No need to touch savings, you can always sell his and buy two cheaper

Longer term, enjoy your mat leave, but then look to go back to work. I have a feeling you're going to leave him or him you eventually.

Oh and get that dress shell grow out of in 5 minutes on eBay right after that tea. When you see it goes for a tenner, you'll probably feel differently about how much it was worth! I really do expect that you're trying to buy happiness though.

Thanks, I will try not to apologise.

DD doesn't normally wear expensive dresses, it was this one:

uk.monsoon.co.uk/view/product/uk_catalog/mon_3,mon_3.1,mon_3.1.11/5584015802 plus she had a new cardi. It was a very posh do. I take your point but in context for the sort of event it was acceptable.

I'm not on maternity leave - I wasn't working before I got pregnant.

Other stuff you say about not being sure if I want to be with him - I don't know, I really just don't know what I want at this stage. I don't really think counselling would help, I know the issues and where they stem from and why, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about them. I do feel patronised and talked down to a lot, and I'm almost sure I am depressed. One thing that massively helps when I DO feel depressed is people. Friends ideally but failing that just being around other people helps. So my days revolve around - shops. I'm not a spendthrift but I'm not a skinflint either, I'll admit that!

if you don't want to speak about amounts, which I can understand, can you tell us in % terms of your family income your DH gives you once you have taken off all the other outgoings which come out of his salary?

This is totally wrong. He is treating you as a financial dependent that he doles out his money to on a regular basis. Of course you should have equal access to the money coming in.

I wish my mum & dad were here so much

to you OP, is there someone else you can talk to?

LOL Peggy - I could - if I could work out percentages!

I am not honesty remotely bothered about this, though, and I also know that things tend to come in cycles. So for example I remember I think summer 2008 I must have gone to about 7 weddings/ hen parties as my friends and I from school/university were about 27 and marriage was everywhere, I'm sure I spent more of our income than DH did then. But there have been times where DH has splashed the cash. I honestly wouldn't mind for a moment what he spent money on if it made him happy.

Plus he obviously spends money on petrol to get to and from work, and so on. I don't mind that he's generous - he honestly does give me enough, more than enough.

But I'd rather have less and be equal. I don't even know if that makes sense.

"I don't really think counselling would help, I know the issues and where they stem from and why, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about them".

And that is precisely why you should consider counselling; you need to start talking and facing all this properly now before you continue in the same funk. There is help out there; you need to now access it and the only one who can make that initial hardest step is you. I think you have had an awful lot of stuff going around in your own head for many years, not least of all your parents passing, and you can't see the wood for the trees any more. I get the feeling you've been talked down to and ignored for a long time.

If you never talked to CRUSE (the bereavement charity) I would consider giving them a call on 0844 477 9400.

Re this comment:-
"I do feel patronised and talked down to a lot, and I'm almost sure I am depressed"

Who mainly these days makes you feel patronised and talked down to a lot?. Do you think that this and feeling depressed as a result are actually linked?.

You do have a voice, use it.

They probably are. I get VERY paranoid when I am depressed.

DH makes me feel patronised though. I don't see many other people

Seek further help through counselling for yourself and consider talking to BACP (they are good and do not charge the earth).

There is a lot going on here with you and the roots of some of it go back many years. It all needs addressing now. You certainly also need to address your DHs allowance giving because its making you further feel demeaned.

Love, you said you wouldn't apologize but you've just said "it was a posh do / that included a cardi / not normally so £"

Do you see that THREE excuses is basically apologizing fit your behaviour?

It is OK to say to me "it's my money, it's my choice." it really is.

I only brought up the amount because in context of your spending on life changing outfits, I think it's relevant as a sign that you're not happy.

Please see your GP. If you are depressed, they can help.

Feeling patronized is not going to help you out of this. Don't write off Counselling.

But please, take control - just go into town tomorrow with your ID and open a bank account. Then you can TELL your husband you don't want cash. Even if nothing else changes.

Consider it a test. If he has ANY problem with taking ONE MINUTE to set up a standing order - less time for eternity than ONE trip to the cash machine - then you know you have bigger issues.

Please drop the "bad with numbers" crap.
"If" you could work out percentages?
You can.
You have the intelligence to train as a teacher.
If you have a mental block with percentages, go grab a calculator, get over onto "Chat" and start a thread to walk you through it.
You need to get over being apologetic and passive!

It sounds like you're still feeling lost from your father's death, and possibly lost from having no job - SAHM doesn't suit everyone, long term.
It isn't about the money in terms of the exact amount. You might even be already getting half of all leisure money.
But it's about control. And equal choices.
It's hard to know whether you have had than gently prided away, or given it up in a fog. Or a combination.

It chills me to read "generous". It is not, as someone up thread said, generous when it is your own money.
It may be FAIR, but it is not GENEROUS.

When you say you do all the house stuff, do you mean your dh does no housework at all, or just that you do the bulk? I think you'd find from MN that just because someone work outside the home, they don't get to do nothing at night. Do you get any time off?

I think people are using the phrase "maternity leave" to demonstrate that you have a baby, so posters telling you to go back to work right now are missing that point.

Op:- percentages.

Amount of money you get / Total amount of money not needed for bills etc * 100

That's all you need to do.

I don't know how much we need for bills though, like car insurance and so on.

Thanks for being so kind :)

Sorry someone asked about the house stuff and childcare. I do all this, DD is breastfed so obviously I wouldn't expect DH to do this!

I do the day to day cleaning, making meals, gardens and picking up/taking DS to school.

Sorry
Stop it!

You don't need to apologise on here.

Oh you do sound as if you lack confidence and your DH isn’t exactly building you up. And I am very sorry for all your losses

So despite all I do think some counselling might help. You say you know what the issues are but maybe you still need to connect with how deeply they must be affecting you inside. Counselling is very good at that. It’s also very good for helping people decide what to do next. Not at first and not because counsellors tell you what to do – in my experience (and I’ve had a bit!) the good ones never told me what to do. They just helped me get to a stage where I could think clearly about what options I might have open to me and see how I really felt about each one, and then I knew in my own heart what to do next.

The sense that you weren’t very good at your former career is But it also sounds as if you don’t have many other things that you feel that you are good at? Well, I reckon you are better at things than you feel able to give yourself credit for. For one thing, your DD’s little frock looks gorgeous! Can I just ask – does your DH think so too? Did he compliment you on your taste? And is he pleased that you and DD went along to a posh event and looked like a million dollars? Or does he not care, or even disapprove? Because looking good takes work. (And it’s something that I’ll freely admit I am not naturally good at.) But if it’s not work that your DH values and appreciates, then that would be pretty discouraging for you.