Given a set amount of money - wrong?

[whynowblowwind]

DH gives me a set amount of cash every week for expenses (SAHM.) it is a perfectly generous amount, and if I want more I can ask for it.

All the same, I don't like it. It feels largely demeaning in a weird way.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous - am I?

About a month or so afterwards, yes.

I had had a hard time after DS. I had terrible PND and I did try, for 4 years in fact, after having DS, to juggle being a mum and working full time. I really started struggling in 2011 in work and then my dad died.

I totally take on board what people are saying, and I respect that. But I'm NOT what people are saying. I did work, I want to work again, but I don't think I could do what I did before (teaching) - I'd need to retrain but I can't really do that while DD is still so little. I would like 'a' job, but it's all the more difficult as I've no car just at the moment! I could buy one, with dad's money, but insuring, taxing, mot, would need to be paid for by DH. And I don't think he'd be thrilled about that!

So - I do take on what you're all saying, yes. But I am not some lazy spoilt bitch at ALL.

I'm sorry you are getting a rough ride OP.

It does sound as if you need a bit of financial education. I don't like the sound of your arrangement. It does all seem a bit unbalanced (and not a million miles from what I had with X).

If you split, who gets the house? As it was paid by your DFs inheritance... Is your DH trying to build his own nest egg? Do you see the bank statements, how much he earns, do you have joint savings goals etc...

I'd say your DH has it pretty good living in a mortgage free house, if he whined about paying your car running expenses after you'd bought your own car, he'd be a bit of a twat tbh.

You are in a very vulnerable position, OP. You paid a significant chunk of capital into the house, I'm assuming your name is on the deeds? You've effectively got no recent credit history because you're not managing a current account so at minimum you should have one (poss one of the overdraft-less ones like the Co-op do).

And you're given a card once a week to do a shop. How demeaning is that? I'd tell him if he wants to control the card he can do the sodding shop as well.

Is the extent of your DH's treat money just enough to to go out and about, and have a hot chocolate in Costa and get in the bus and mooch about a bit.? If it is, fine, but my guess he has significantly more fun money than you do.

Your DH doesn't pay extra tax if you claim CB. He pays back the equivalent of what you have been given in CB. At a household level it works out the same. And is better for you because again it gives you a level of income of your own and a financial presence. Frankly if the marriage goes tits up you will need to be claiming this.

So far you've not given any evidence of financial mismanagement on your part. If you use a joint account your DH will be able to access all the transactions online and keep an eye on things if there actually is any reason to be concerned about your spending habits.

I find it very disturbing that your DH closed the joint account so soon after your dad's death (and when he must have known how much you were due to inherit?)

The current situation does not sit right with you, and I think that's for a good reason. Having to go and ask for money is not acceptable to you, and that's the bottom line as far a the discussion goes. Would he like it? You bought a house for him but you don't make him ask to live in it.

Well why not learn a bit more about money (since you say you don't know much about it) and then there is no reason not to have more input? Sounds like you have fairly independent means too if you have property.
No idea why going back to work is the solution here - the solution is to reach a fair distribution of family resources. What happens to the money that doesn't go toward bills, his spending cash/your spending cash? Do you both get equal amounts of do-as-you-please money?

I think both our names are on the deeds of the house. That was bought purely with my money, not DHs. We sold our other house and the money for that went into an isa for DS (DD wasn't born then) but she will obviously have the same amount put in for her.

I don't mind things not being equal exactly, I wouldn't even care if he had more than me, but what I hate about this arrangement is that it feels demeaning, like I said in my first post.

DH has a property in his name only, with a mortgage on it, he rents it out (this covers the mortgage) and he says when the mortgage is over the house will be transferred into DS and DDs names. Then they can either continue renting it out, and use this money to help them at university, or they can sell it, or do what they want with it, but this will only happen when DD is 18 which obviously won't be until April 2032 (wow)

Start by opening your own current account.

At the very least if an allocated amount of money is being given to you each week, it can be transferred to your current account and not given to you as cash.

Other people are right about looking into potential income sources for you - maybe now is the time to retrain pending having school aged children when work might be easier/more cost effective for you.

I only have one school aged child. DD is only one month.

Going back to work is a red herring. If you are a SAHM then his income is family money. If you are not very good with cash (rather than just being told you aren't so he can control it) then I can see the sense in you only having a set amount to spend unless it's for something big/particular.

However I think it is best if you go over your family finances together and agree budgets together. This includes knowing what his salary is and getting sight of the bank statements etc. Money spent on children is family money, not something you have to pay for out of your money. Ideally you should both have the same to spend on yourselves (going out, clothes, hobbies) after essentials and savings are put to one side.

I would say, you need access not only to make it feel more equal but also just in case of an emergency. In reality you would never have to actually spend it but having access should be possible. I mean, God forbid, but what if he was hit by a truck on the way to work and in a coma and you didn't have the pin number? How would you feed the kids etc? Even if you could go into the bank to access the account with ID - you don't want to be doing that in an emergency situation.

If you know that you are so financially irresponsible that you can't be trusted with free access to a card, then fine, but that should have been a joint decision - and it doesn't sound like that is the case anyway.

It's fair to set aside an amount which is "disposable" income or money to be spent on clothes/food/DC stuff etc but then it should be possible for you to have access to the other account too. You can still keep them separate to stop yourself overspending, but there's no need for your access to be restricted. (And more argument for it NOT to be restricted)

Bizarre. I'm on mat leave at the moment but we haven't changed the way we manage our finances.

We have one account that everything goes into, both salaries etc. one savings account and one "bills" account that the mortgage etc goes out from. We both have access to all three accounts. I manage our finances in that I make sure we have enough in the bills account to cover our outgoings and I siphon bits off into he savings account but we both spend whatever we want. The way we see it, marriage is an equal partnership and we hold everything in common. For one of us to control the money and hand over an allowance, no matter how generous, would mean that we weren't equal. So I see your point op, I wouldn't like it.

Do you know where the deeds are, OP? If the house is mortgage-free the bank won't be holding them. You may have them lodged with a solicitor.

Ours works well. DH puts a sum in the joint account and then gives me some cash as well. Its purely because he can't be bothered to change the standing order. But it works for us.

People talking about "deeds" of the house and who is holding them - it sounds like you bought it within the last few years so it will be registered land and you can look up the title at the land registry. The proprietorship register will tell you whose name it is in. You don't need any deeds as such.

Only skim read, but you need to get a better grip on family finances. Have your own bank account and be aware of what's in "his".
Also make sure you are financially protected regarding the properties.

Agreed, ThingsThatShine - but I think the OP should know where the physical copies are as well.

You are giving a wider picture now OP. Id not be so worried about the weekly spends but more about the fact that you seem to have had all financial independence taken from you at a very vulnerable time.

Hmm. You have no mortgage, just bills. Any loans? Credit card debt? He earns in excess of 60k per annum. You bought the house. I'm intrigued to know if after bills, food etc the excess is split 50/50. If so then that's fair enough, if not why not?

What does he buy for himself? How does that compare to what you can afford to buy?

To put into perspective I am in a similar position to your husband. My dh is a sahd, his car was bought from our savings, I of course pay his tax, insurance mot from my wages etc and we have a mortgage to pay. But the wages are family wages really. The money I get paid is for all of us to live on. My day is more pleasant for the fact our children are cared for (no childcare worries) and Dh does lots around the house. I have ensured he claims child benefit (I gave him the form after researching what I was required to do). If he said that he wants to work full time etc, then we would make alternative arrangements.

£3128 is roughly his take home. Assuming 60k salary. A mid range company car, private medical and a 5% pension contribution.

He doesn't have a company car. He earns just over £60,000. No debt. No mortgage although "his" (DCs) house has a mortgage on it.

It's all very well saying I need to get a grip (I hate that phrase!) but I have no money other than what DH gives me. Is it enough in the sense that I am not hungry and wear nice clothes and can have my hair done and so on, yes. Is it enough for a new life? No. Is that what I want? I don't know.

I think I do contribute; I do all the housework and cooking, and childcare so I don't do NOTHING. Obviously I understand it's not like going out to work.

Where the hell is the money going then each month if you have no mortgage? Bloody hell, you need to get your name on/access to that account just to see what he has stashed away.

So, how much individual spending money do each of you get? Do you know how much spare cash he has in fact? If you wanted to get a car (you mention going on the bus) could you?

My husband puts a set amount (also generous) into a separate account. I pay for various things out of this money - food, phone, contact lenses, going out, clothes etc. I never have to ask for extra money because I can budget happily with this set amount. We've done this for donkeys years and it seems to work fine. If I wanted to make a big purchase then we would discuss it together, but we are both quite careful with money, so trust each other to only spend what we can afford.

We are possibly quite a bit older than you OP and maybe more accepting of his arrangement because of that. I certainly don't feel like a pet.

I would like that (a set amount), instead I get told to help myself to his card and money, which I feel a bit weird about, and sometimes he complains about how much I spend on food. I would feel better having an agreed amount as I would feel less like a had to justify it.

How can the amount be "generous" though? How can I be generous in how much money I give myself? It's only generous if you view it as a gift from the other person, rather than a shared family resource.