Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

I'm really sorry OP, but in most cases like this on MN, there is another woman involved. Would that make sense to you?

I've just realised I've posted this laods of times- i'm so sorry!

I've asked him several times and he says no but I'm sure you are right.

thanks for replyng x

So sorry for you. I don't have any helpful advice really but didn't want to ignore your post. What do you want to do? Would you like to stay in the UK or move back to South Africa where you have a support network? Do you have any friends who you can offload onto here?

Thank you sugarmice, I really appreciate any response right now. My family back home wants the best for me and although they want me there, there is no jobs and with UK debt it would be impossible to pay off. My lack of support here is probably the worse thing.

I used to be such a stron woman with lots of good friends.

Oh absolutely - I'm so sorry!

What a horrible thing to have happen.

Are you working at the moment? Whereabouts do you live (roughly), maybe there's a MN around that you could meet up with?

Hi Hayday,

I am at work (central London) but live near Wimbledon. I'm struggling to keep it together at work. Been telling everyone my swollen eyes is hayfever. I don't want to go home either as I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I keep being sick.

You are still a strong woman.

You have just had a terrible shock which would knock anybody over.

There is debt? Just yours or both or yours?

I think you need to see a solicitor pronto to establish where you stand.

I too would assume another woman.

Staying with you out of pity is a very cruel thing to say. As if you can only have a relationship if they pity you. What utter tosh.

I really hope that you can start to feel a little more able to protect yourself from whatever other shocks this man may throw your way.

Don't assume he will be looking out for you at all. Make sure you see that solicitor and start looking out for yourself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Absolutely - I've sent you a PM.

Thank you Winky. I'm so devastated that I could get it so wrong. He earns 4 times my salary and even just a room in a houseshare is going to be tough for me. We have a car that needs to be paid off and then we have his and mine credit card debt. We have a sum of money which we were going to use for a house deposit which would cover everything but then there will be nothing left. He works in finance and I know he will be getting a large sum of money in October so he will be fine but my salary is pretty pathetic.

I'm so grateful for everyone responding. I really feel so alone.

Didn't want to read and run. Is your current job fairly secure? Is he saying he is moving out or is he expecting you to? I have to agree on the likelyhood of another woman. Lots of handholding from me here

Generous- he is moving out until we have given notice.

I need to try and find somewhere within the month.

Hayday- thank you, I will have a look now. x

Hi there. Sorry that you are going through this.

Firstly, financials - if you have a sum of money, then realistically the sensible thing to do would be to pay off the debt, but ensure that you have enough for a deposit to rent somewhere. You may have to live further out to be able to afford somewhere decent.

You need to get some legal advice, see if anywhere near you offers a free half hour appointment. All assets/debts should be viewed as 50/50.

I am so sorry that he has done this to you. It does sound as if there may be someone else. There might not be, but you should bear it in mind.

i have been through this and you will get through it too. Try and eat something little and often. I survived on gallons of water and a banana and half a sandwich a day for weeks after XH walked out. If you have a friend that you can talk to , then do. if not, then ring The Samaritans and somebody there will help you.

Meanwhile everybody is here for you.

I can't even think of the legal stuff, but I should and you are all right. I don't want to be this sad woman but i feel so broken.

The fact that you guys- strangers, actually care enough to reply when someone I've shared 9 years of my life with has desserted me is pretty overwhelming.

I'm just again- thankful for your replies.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible thing happen. When you say you'd 'invested a lot in your marriage' to the extent that you've dropped all your friends, what did you mean exactly?

Well, when i first moved over I had friends from all over the world, they eventually all went back to their home countries etc. The friends I have now seems to be work colleagues and people I am friendly with but that I see maybe once a month and never really share intimate problems with. I suppose I've been trying so hard to have a happy marriage, find fun things to do together over weekends, arrange little surprise trips for him etc etc that I have neglected having a life outside of my marriage.

Pathetic of me, i know. In terms of what I invested.. where do I start.. so much has happened. Over the years I've had to deal with him having a porn addiction, talking to other woman on the internet, money problems (that bit at least I've managed to sort out over time)

Thinking about it all is overwhelming. Ultimately I loved him and would do anything for him. He said I deserve someone who would feel like that about me.

BTW..... telling you that he's only been staying with you because he feels sorry for you is an extremely cruel and condescending thing to say. I promise you that one day, not too far off, you will find out the truth behind this apparent 'sudden' change of heart and you will swap shock and hurt for some very useful anger.

Please let someone at your place of work know what's going on so that they can make a few allowances and maybe give you some time off.

Absolutelyhopeless - You poor thing, what a dreadful thing for your BF to do.

The first thing I would say is that right now you are in shock and the main priority is to get yourself some support. I understand that you feel alone and lost and that you don't feel you can speak to friends because you haven't seen them for a bit. (BTW, it sounds like your BF may have been deliberately isolating you socially, which is one common kind of bullying behaviour). However, in my experience, friendships often can and do survive periods of absence (and sometimes you find that BOTH parties feel guilty about not having been in touch!) I would send an email to a couple of old mates explaining what has happened, saying that you feel really guilty turning to them as you haven't seen them lately, but that you're absolutely desperate to talk to someone right now, and that you have nowhere else to turn. In my experience, people come up trumps in these situations when you put your hurt out there for them to see (which isn't easy initially).

Secondly, is there anyone at work who might understand, who could help and support you? I think you might want to tell a line manager at least, in case you need pastoral care and support. I know this can feel like a horribly exposing thing to do, but your employer has a duty of care to you and this situation is absolutely covered by that. Also, please tell anyone in your family who might be supportive and able to talk to you on the phone.

Practical stuff about separation - and where you go next - can be shelved for a few days. Don't take any decision until you've spoken to a lawyer, don't commit to anything right now. You need a friend with a decent bottle of wine and a spare bedroom first.

"Over the years I've had to deal with him having a porn addiction, talking to other woman on the internet, money problems (that bit at least I've managed to sort out over time"

Oh dear. It's sad but you don't get any respect from a partner if you think 'love' means it's your job to keep forgiving repeated appalling behaviour. All you earn is contempt and... as you've now discovered.. rejection. I would be willing to bet that one of his internet women has turned into a real, live breathing one.

Please take advice on how to protect yourself legally, financially, and in terms of accommodation etc. Time to look after #1

Isabella- thank you for your reply.

I have told all of my family and they are very supportive but it is obviously difficult being thousands of miles apart. All i want is someone to share a bottle of wine with.

I have a mixture of devastation and anger- yes, how dare he makes me feel like he is only staying with me out of sorrow! Especially since we've been trying for a baby! For the last week he has been refusing to discuss what happens next and has been going straight to the pub. He was there all of yesterday, came in at 11pm. I spend the whole afternoon between crying and being sick. He came in, stinking of booze and tried to cuddle me!!! I asked why? Why is he doing that, and he said for "comfort". This morning he was back to ignoring me and changing all his pictures of us together on facebook to his alone.

I have told my boss, not that we're particularly close but he said i can go home if i want but the idea of going home scares me as i'll be there on my own.

He sounds like a miserable tit. Haven't you told him to leave yet? He's ending the marriage after all.....

OP I am in a very similar if not worse situation. My husband of 8 years (together for 13 years) has left me and two DD's for another woman. I also invested all my time and energy in to the relationship, I left my career to start a family, gave up on friends that I now have no one left to turn to. I'm in east London, but would love to help you. Xx

Oh he just sounds worse and worse the more you post, Absolutely.

I hate to say it, but I think he did you a favour. You DO deserve someone better than him.

Cogito, I suspect he will be leaving tonight. Apparently he has "someone at work" he can go and stay with. and miserable tit sounds about right.

Wish I didn't have money issues and I can afford to rent somewhere on my own. The thought of sharing a small room in a house with 10 other strangers is terrifying and depressing.

www.spareroom.co.uk

I don't know how much Wimbledon costs, but suspect it's quite expensive. But have a look at this site. A lot of people who want to share nice accommodation, at reasonable prices.

Sometimes it's someone who has bought their own flat but needs the income from the 2nd bedroom - so someone who actually gives a damn about the accommodation.

Thank you, I'm going to have a look now. Why does this just want to make me bawl my eyes out. People at work must think i've lost the plot. Not that I care at this stage.