Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

Okay the "someone at work" is probably his Other Woman, sorry.

He is probably about to follow "the Script". In fact he has already started by saying "he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me".
This is pure "the script" and may in no way bear any resemblance to reality.

You really need to get some legal advice - tell people and see if anyone can recommend a good lawyer. Often they can give you a free 1/2 hour of advice. Do what you can to protect yourself.

The CAB (citizen's advice bureau) may also be able to give you advice.

Do tell people, and accept support. If you get to the stage you can't stop crying do go and see your GP, they can help. Do keep eating, and drinking.
It will be okay - eventually.

There are quite a few South African's in Wimbledon area, can you contact any for help?

"Wish I didn't have money issues and I can afford to rent somewhere on my own. "

Stay put and rather than doing anything hasty. He sounds like he's off to his girlfriend's place. ('Someone at work' my arse) While he's feeling contrite, take advantage of the space afforded and let him keep paying the rent.

I've contacted a counsellor from Relate, she has a space tomorrow but couldn't go into details about fees. In a weird way I'm finding a lot of comfort from all of you. So thanks for the "free" counselling.

Mummytime- sadly i don't know any of the South Africans around. I think your advice on the doctors I might consider. I'm shaking and crying in equal meassure and frustrated with myself for being so weak.

Cogito- I am probably being hasty. I've just placed an ad on Spareroom.co.uk I just don't want to drag this out for the next 3 months as I don't think I could cope with it. Should I stay it out instead? Argghh.

Hiya OP I just want to start off and say how sorry I am that you're going through this, especially as it sounds you really did make an effort in the marriage

You said further up thread that you wish you could rent a flat alone and that you wouldn't want to share with 10 strangers.
I'd just like to show you the positive of this, you could end up making some wonderful friends, you never know.
You sadly have lost friends from working on your marriage and them moving away, so maybe renting a room could result in a friendship.

I know someone who rented a room out in her flat and they are good friends now

You are not being weak!
This is a normal reaction. The fact you can write in coherent sentences, have phoned a counsellor from relate, and your colleagues haven't packed you off to A and E - shows you are strong.

Don't rush into anything. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. But be careful in any decisions you make.

Get him out of the place first and then take a little time rather than scuttling off to the first place you see. You're suffering emotionally, you don't need the upheaval and I think he richly deserves quite a lot of inconvenience.

There's also a principle at stake. Sounds like you've spent at least 9 years trying to be the 'understanding wife' putting up with all sorts of crap in the name of love. Even though he has rejected you he will - because he sounds fucking arrogant - assume that mild-mannered absolutelyhopeless (and please change your username) will continue to do as he wishes and be cooperative. I strongly recommend you are anything but. Agree to nothing, be unreasonable, stand in his way rather than meekly step aside ..... make the start of his new life with his OW turn just a little bit sour on the lips.

If he left any precious items btw... feel free to donate them to the charity shop.

Mummytime- thank you, I just need to breathe I guess.

Cogito- you are so right, I need to just find my inner guts and strength again. I've been so worn down over the last 9 years that I've become weak and a "victim" and that makes me angry.

It is actually my 9th anniversary on the 30th of this month and back when I was still believing the bullshit, we booked a non-refundable hotel for the night. The idea of going on my own is torture so probably won't but that's 250quid down the drain.

I went out for a walk at lunch and he called me to tell me he had nothing to say to me! WTF?? Can someone just tell me i'm not going mad?

Maybe you could sell the hotel room to someone? E-bay?

You're not going mad. He sounds like a self-absorbed, selfish little fuckwit who has quietly suffocated you over the years by making himself centre of the universe, monopolising your time and exploiting your affection. If I sound angry it's because I also wasted my twenties on someone very similar.... so I'm glad you're finding some indignation as it will give you strength.

BTW That phone-call was motivated by pure self. He's not quite grasped that he's no longer centre of your world, he's missing your adulation and he's finding it tough to accept that you're not on the phone in tears begging him to come back. Hope you told him to piss off.

Told him I had nothing to say- goodbye.

Cogito, I'm drawing a lot of strength from you right now so thanks. Everyone on here has just helped me to realise that actually, I do deserve better than this. I mean, i'll probably still be a wreck when i get home tonight and want to beg him to change his mind but I have to be strong.

I've put an ad on spareroom and have arranged two viewings for tonight and tomorrow. The bloody hotel is non-transferable.

Absolutely - what a complete arsehole he is.

I think you're doing AMAZINGLY. To be able to handle the practical stuff right now, as you're doing, is bloody strong. You almost certainly don't feel strong right now, but you ARE. I raise my glass to you, girl, I really do. You deserve a lot better than this toad-faced, slimy, game-playing louse.

I also think it's normal to feel scared and OK to admit that. I wasted my life until the age of 28 on a bloke who was worse than useless, partly because I was terrified at the life changes that might result from making a move - and I couldn't even face the fact that I was afraid, because it felt like a betrayal of feminism. I was supposed to be this tough, emancipated woman and actually I was terrified of how I was going to pay the rent by myself. When I finally did get sick and tired of the situation and called it a day, I found that the changes, while not always sunshine and roses, were actually a lot easier to deal with than the fear. You may be surprised at how resilient you are when you're not being undermined constantly!

With regards to the booking: try emailing the hotel and explaining the situation. I did this when something awful happened to me, and the place was absolutely lovely, cancelled the booking and refunded me with a sweet email saying that they hoped life got better soon. There are some decent people in the world. Failing that, there are places online that sell non-refundable bookings for a 10%-20% fee (just Google for 'sell non-refundable hotel rooms'). I have never used them so can't recommend personally.

Maybe if contact the hotel directly and give them the sad reason for the cancellation they might take sympathy and give you something back?

Of course you're going to be a wreck for a while. You'd have to be made of stone for this not to affect you. FWIW I liken relationships with men like your ex to hypnotism. While you're in their immediate vicinity, listening to their crap, thinking they love you and thinking you love them, you can gradually get suckered into accepting poor behaviour. The more time you are away from him, the spell will get weaker, you'll be able to think more clearly and you should expect months of forehead-slapping 'OMG I can't believe I used to put up with that!' moments which will have you wondering what on earth you were thinking.

I just wanted to wish you good luck with your room viewings. I hope that you find somewhere that you love and with lovely people that will lead to friendships and fun.

Please stay strong tonight with your H ignore and detach as much as possible from him he's not worth your thoughts or energy.

I will email the hotel and try reasoning with them. Maybe I will try that site if they refuse. Posting on here this morning has been a good decision and getting support from you strong ladies has at the very least stopped me crying and shaking and being so dramatic and at the best made me feel like there is hope and people that care.

I know that by the time I get home and reality dawns again I'll be a hot mess all over. Cogito, I know 100% what you mean by getting suckered in by poor behaviour. I guess it is one day at a time.

I wish we could all go for wine together.

Is there really no-one you could go for a drink with? Someone from work who you chat to and you could invite them over for supper? Do you have any hobbies? Play sport? Anything like that? IME the less you are alone and the more occupied your waking hours, the less opportunity you will have to wallow. Won't prevent 'hot messes' but it makes the time pass quicker until they subside.

In the meantime, even though it's only mid-afternoon, we'll have a virtual

See, this is the problem. He just texted me this minute to say he is moving out TONIGHT and now I am once again feeling like my whole world has ended.

Someone from here has so kindly invited me to dinner tomorrow but will have to face tonight on my own. And Bank holiday. I get home at 17:30 and then all I do is THINK and THINK and THINK. No hobbies or sport as pathetic as that makes me sound.

Text him back to say that TONIGHT is not convenient and that he has to come round TOMORROW when you're out at dinner.

Be awkward....

absolutelyhopeless - what Cog said about being awkward.

The evenings and weekends are hard at first, but it does get easier. Here's a project for this evening: book up your bank holiday. Make sure that you are doing something each day. Reconnect with old friends, do a craft course, meet friends, volunteer with a conservation group, go to a lecture, start an evening class, do a karate class, join a support group - anything that will basically bring you together with others. If you are due to spend an afternoon or evening in, plan movies, books, things that will really absorb you and prevent you from drifting around the house feeling sad. Treat it like a military planning exercise: the main objective is to FILL THAT TIME.

I am sorry, love, I sympathise BUT (and this is a big BUT) his behaviour of backing you into a corner like this is only a problem if you allow it to be. Bottom line. Change the status quo or carry on as you are because you have been manipulated AGAIN.

Isabella, that is good advice. I absolutely fear the bank holiday and being my own worst enemy with time on my hands. I am going to try and find stuff to do asap. x

Find something to do on Monday, look for local events or ones in London or if really stuck try this, its easy to get to by train from Wimbledon.

So sorry you having to deal with this. I'd have happily met you for a glass or vino but I'm too far. Could this group be worth joining? It's a London meet up group for South Africans age 25-35. They have two upcoming events.

www.meetup.com/The-London-South-African-Meetup/

I am so sorry op - i agree with others always ow - no one just suddenly falls out of love or detaches for no reason. Possibly on vary rare occassions there may be no reason. Try and focus on yourself now its so hard when you have put all energy and desire into marraige to know what to do. You will find great support here. X

Just sent you a PM.

I'd say (only because I've heard it before) sometimes there isn't another woman, sometimes, (like with my ex, his girlfriend when they lived together, had a child together, she was 10 years younger and wanted to experience more of life). sometimes people change and want more - eg he wants the single life, not to be a father etc.

so if that makes you feel any better (it wouldn't me so don't worry!) that it's not another woman, then I hope it helps.

I've known someone else in this situation, Polish woman, she met and married young and then the DH wanted out. She's now doing fine (got the flat) in a new relationship and good job. He is also doing fine but more struggling. Moved away etc. She threw herself into salsa classes and friends. A hobby would be good. but don't push yourself. take care.

So sorry you're in this situation.

I know how awful it is when you're left with your thoughts and not a lot to occupy your time. Please, don't sit in feeling awful. At least go for a walk for an hour- round the park etc. sometimes it's so much better just to get out for a bit.

I agree with pp...don't let him back you into a corner. He should do this according to your time table.

hope you're feeling ok.
X