Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

Sell the KitchenAid, you can get £200 for it on ebay so that can go into the "new life" fund.
What an utter bastard!

WTF does he want the kitchenaid for?
Does he usually bake?
Bet he doesn't.
It'll be for his new GF.
As PP said - sell that on ebay.
Pack up your own stuff and leave all of his.
Why are you packing up HIS stuff?
This guy really is a piece of work.
No doubt his new GF will figure this out eventually.
Get your solicitor on the case.
He doesn't get to tell you he's not paying. That is not how it works.
What a feckin' knob head he is.

Abs will willingly send you a big bag of biltong and a big melktert! . You sound amazing I have to say. I'm sorry to say but he sounds like he has someone lined up already, so good riddance I say.

You will get through this, you will make new friends and you will be better off, but its hard without your family nearby.

Bet you looked stunning sitting there in Starbucks....

And keep the Kitchenaid... .

Hey everyone!

You all really cheered me up just now reading your comments. I'm seriously pissed off about it all. I suppose at least my utter sadness has turned to being PISSED. This whole thing is getting weirder by the minute. So I'm having a shower, washing my hair. I haven't noticed this in 3 weeks as I have different shampoos/conditioners etc. Ladies, you know what I mean. Low and behold, I'm looking for the Percy and Reed intensive conditioner for coloured hair. It's GONE. As in, gone, gone. WTF? He has half a head of grey hair and never coloured his hair in his life. THEN i discovered my 8hr cream has gone too. This was tucked between all my perfumes so impossible to just pick up. WTF?!

The kitchenaid is beautiful :( Lime green and think I've only used it twice. I'm not sure he will know how to even switch it on. Clearly the new victim he found is a baker. pfff.

I couldn't believe the bastard going on about his new wife and kids- and yes, the kids he decided he didn't want with me! That really hurt but I just sat there and kept my poker face. He asked me where I am planning on moving to as he is thinking Shoreditch or Clapham and he would prefer it if I didn't consider those areas! F.CK him. Like he is Boris and rules London. I mean. I've made an offer on a lovely 2 bed conversion to share with another girl and they have accepted it. I won't be able to eat or go out but if all goes well I'm moving to Balham in 4 weeks. :) Right next to Clapham.

The day after our meeting I got a text from him saying: "just wondering when we are making this official and i'm not talking about divorce, I'm talking about facebook"

I just didn't even know what to say to that so didn't reply.

Murphys- a meltert would be so lekker.
Gungho- you made me laugh. I can imagine getting a letter like that actually. I really do not know what happened to the man I used to call my husband!

facebook!!!
Good grief.
They guy really is a schmuck.
Sell that kitchenaid. Then you can go out a few times when you first move into your new home.
Very glad you have something sorted out.
Hide all your good stuff. The guy is a theiving little shit.
The more your write the more you must realise you are sooo much better off without him.

Anger is good, it's the next stage. You still have a way to go you so try to hold on to the anger as long as you can.

Balham - here you come!

Balham is great! Sell the Kitchenaid and you can still come here for Margaritas!

Balham! Lovely!

Seriouosly - take the KitchenAid. He can sue you for it. He only want sit to stop you getting it

Re the other stuff - there was a thread on here about a year ago where she went to work and came home to find the house stripped of his stuff. He went through the fridge, cupboards etc and took chutney, teaspoons, all sorts of stuff. Over the following weeks, she found things like car-washing bucket and sponge gone... Was actually quite entertaining in a kind of way (possib;y not for her - tho she is so much better off now! )

at him taking you shampoo and cream - if that isn't a red flag for an OW I don't know what is. Did he have new clothes? haircut?

Re facebook - wtaf? I mean really? He is concerned with his FB status? Dick.

I remember reading a thread where an ex had stolen 2 herb plants from the backyard, so he would of had to jump over a tall gate!

Balham sounds like a great place to begin your new life.

Please don't give him the kitchen aid, he has a cheek making demands keep it as compensation for your stuff going missing.

Are you planning on starting divorce proceedings against him?

You really are sounding more in control, you should be really proud of yourself, MN are.

I would post on your FB (tagging him and all of his family in it)

"As X wants to make this official I thought I would announce that X has left me to be with his OW, having cleared out the house of my possessions"

But I am a bitch and once got into trouble with Plod for doing something online in anger :o

AH - he's being a prick on purpose. While you were in despair he felt good about himself. Now that you are in control of yourself, not calling him, texting him, not crying over his shoulder, he hates it. He's a self centred bastard who wants everything to be focussed on him.

Keep the kitchen aid. Don't even explain to him why he's not going to get it. Don't bother explaining ANYTHING TO HIM. If he asks a question - 'No, that doesn't work for me', 'No, I don't want to', 'No, I'm not going to do that', or just 'No.'

BTW, you could EASILY get some babysitting work in Balham. You could make an extra £30 - £60 a week without a problem.

Anything that you value, pack up NOW and get it out of your flat. Store it with a friend. Store it with me!!!!! You know my car's big enough to fit loads of stuff in the back.

Yes, what Hayday said. But make sure that the KitchenAid is the first thing you pack!

Gungho- he really is a narcissist in every sense of the word
Bogey and mummy- The facebook thing was just something else. He really cares that much about what other people think? I've just discovered an app called killswitch. It deletes every single picture of an ex without me having to go through it all. 9 years worth of holiday/wedding pictures. I'm actually feeling more sad than angry today but I'm just trying to get on with it.

Hayday, I've just received my packing boxes, bubble wrap etc and going to start packing tonight. I might have to get the kitchenaid to live in your car since he still has keys to the house. :(

Nespresso, wish I could have a margarita right now.

Take the Kitchenaid. Tell him to take you to court if he want visiting rights over it.

He sounds a total knob, and a massive one at that and I think you are well and truly better off out of it.

How's filing for divorce, you or him? If he's talking 'new woman & kids' then that leads me to say he already had a woman before you split.

File for divorce under adultery and take the fecker for every penny you can

OMG I cannot believe the audacity to take your cream and conditioner. WTAF. Can you imagine the conversation with the OW about this. Surely to god she must wonder why he has, I assume a used tube of 8 hr cream and coloured hair conditioner. Reckon he is going through some type of midlife crisis actually. I don't know the areas very well but sniggered when I read you are going to be living close to where is he going. Sounds like he expected you to just crumple and agree to everything. Yip I agree, divorce on grounds of adultery. And post that all over Facebook.

KEEP THE KITCHEN AID! Yup, you could sell it but honestly, they're brilliant. Had mine 20 years - love love love it, especially as I make a lot of bread (VERY therapeutic) . Honestly, OP, you sound well rid and he sounds an arse-wipe. As for nicking your toiletries, give me a break ... what a pathetic jerk.

Glad that you're feeling so strong and together now - he must hate that!

I feel like shit today, not helped by the fact I was out drowning my sorrows last night. The estate agents of my flat is starting viewings on my place tonight. :( It feels weirdly intrusive and so "final". I mean, I know it was coming and everything but i feel so sad.

I just really wanted to say thank you today. To everyone that commented and keeps commenting and supporting me. I genuinely appreciate it so much.

Oh and I'm not sure regarding divorce proceedings. I've been so caught up in trying to find a place to live, I really haven't sorted that out yet. I get the impression that if I filed for divorce then I'm the one needing to pay? I'll look into this in the next week I guess.

Oh bless!
And of course alcohol is a depressant.
But you will get over the down days and they will become fewer.

Now people are seeing your flat it is basically the end of an era. It will hurt and all those feelings will surface again for a while.
Once you are nicely in your new home though that too will pass.

Not matter what, you will need a solicitor to help you with your divorce.
How he has behaved and what he is saying, means that he will no doubt not give you what you are entitled to.
The sooner you get the divorce underway the more you will understand what you are entitled to.
A lot of them give a free 1/2 hour so you can at least see where you stand. And when he files (if you don't) then you can see just how fucking unreasonable he is being and you can counter it!
But you need some advice first.

I hope as your hangover lifts that you start to feel better.
Keep going. You'll get there!

You can make him pay your costs for the divorce

They're doing viewings right now and it's so depressing. Really annoying woman and they've been negotiating in the flat for ages. Doing my head in.

It's a necessary step though, annoying as it may be.

You'll soon be out and in a new home

How's it going Abs? New flat soon - are you all packed? How are you feeling?

Hi mummy...

I'm ok thanks. The new flat move in date is the 25th and they won't budge and have to be out of old flat the 24th-nightmare. My ex is also refusing to pay for end of tenancy cleaning. I have to do it as I paid the deposit and will lose it otherwise. I can't wait to just move though. No more memories and a fresh start. I cleaned under the bed and found our wedding pictures in frames, smashed up.

Hope you're ok x

He smashed the picture frames up?! What an arsehole!!!

I'm guessing you going off to SA pissed him off because you weren't moping after him.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

That's an awful thing for him to have done! What's the point? Fit of pique? Bastard. Re the money - I'd def see a solicitor. He thinks he can just walk away and you pick up the pieces, and the tab? Don't think so! Has he even picked up all his stuff from the flat yet? Is there anything you could sell, for his share of end of tenancy?
Bit of a bummer about the new flat not being available the same day - what will you do? Hotel? B &b?