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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 21/05/2014 22:10

AH, your cousin is a bitch. Ignore.

DrowningOnSchoolRun · 22/05/2014 07:51

Sending you big hugs. Please get to your GP and get help!

captainmummy · 22/05/2014 08:37

Op - mamma is right; they are your family and you have every right to talk to them about anything. She may be worried about her mum and yours, but that is no excuse to call you names, threaten you, or message your H. Please ignore her. (and him) You don't need to talk to her any more, only to those who will support you.

Please take up that offer of RL support from nespresso and others. I am only a train ride away, myself.

Practical steps - get to a solicitor; get legal advice. Please don't just roll over and allow him to do what he likes, for the quiet life. Get angry! Anger is useful, and a great force for motivation.

My dp is South African and I know that he sometimes thinks differently to us Brits (he calls it 'the African way') and he also finds it tough over here (the smallness of the country, the weather, the people) so if you want to talk, PM me. I'm not far down the trainline.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 22/05/2014 10:21

I'm such a mess. I want to go home but can't because of all the trouble and i am scared that if i went, things will still be the same when i come back. I went to the dr this morning and she gave me no pills, just booked me off for 2 weeks. I absolutely begged him this morning not to do this. I told him I've loved him with everything i had. I can't accept this. He said when he thinks back over the last 9years and all the arguments he just doesnt ever see anything changing.

My whole future is gone. All my plans, everything. Just gone. Ive had extreme kindness from all of you, especially queen and espresso that offered me her home. Unbelievably kind but i feel no one can help me. Not even my own family. I dont know how to go on, on my own. How to start my life all over again. How to erase all of the dreams i had off our future. All of my furniture, where to. Room in a student house again. Setting me back 12 years. I cant do it. Just cant.

Thank you to everyone who gave me such kind words. All i wanted was to be loved and kept safe. My dad left me when i was 3 and now its all happening all over again and its too much.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 22/05/2014 10:24

OP, I have just caught up with the thread again and am glad to see that you have received some real life support from people on here. It brings a tear to my eye to see how wonderful people have been to you.

I hope that you continue to accept that support while you need it.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better. Just take each day at a time for now.

skyeskyeskye · 22/05/2014 10:29

OP, cross posted with you there. I have been there, devastated by my XH walking out. I know the grief and desperation that you are feeling. I did end up on AD's as I had a 4yo child that I had to keep functioning for. It is awful when you think that everything you hoped for has just disappeared, but there is still a great future out there for you.

Two years on and life is doing OK now, but I couldn't see it at the time.

Allow yourself the time to grieve, but also try and do something positive each day. Get yourself up, get showered, eat a little something, just a banana or a bit of toast. Accept the help that is on here, get some counselling through your doctor if you can. Get some legal advice, take some positive steps because the more clued up you are, the better you will cope with everything ongoing.

nespressofan · 22/05/2014 10:34

I hope you will be able to come to mine today xxx

Lweji · 22/05/2014 10:47

Your message got me worried.

Look, you are 31. You still have a lot going for you. Many years ahead of you. Fertile years too.

You can still be very happy. You are now at the bottom of a well but you can come out. It is a terrible disappointment that your marriage is collapsing and he wants out, but take some time to find a place. You can indeed share, but you can also rent a place and find lodgers who will be your choice. Who can become friends even.

Keep going to the GP, to a new GP, and pester them. Ask for a referral to mental health.
Maybe consider Mind for private support. I think you have to pay, but it will depend on income.

captainmummy · 22/05/2014 12:51

OP you are only 31. You have another 50-odd years ahead of you - do you think you will never meet another person who could make you happy?

I am reminded of another poster on here, also 30s (I think) whose DH left her with no warning (for an OW) - she lamented that he had just past his driving test, and the OW has now got a 'perfect man' . It's a few months down th line, and she is happy, she's got her life back, her ds, her friends. HE, on the other hand, is a mess.

Please get RL help and support.

Maisie0 · 22/05/2014 13:57

Absolutely You can do this. Most importantly is that, you keep your health. Do not think about various things right now. Focus on getting yourself safe. Be good to yourself. Forget him ! Don't talk to him. Don't analyse. Also, with regards to your aunt, when the dust settles, then apologise for scaring them, but right now, focus on your immediates. Even if you fly out to South Africa. There is the immediate things to be dealt with. I agree with others about getting him to get his stuff and to move out asap. Do not let him actually waiver. Just send an email to your cousin apologising for alarming your aunt, and be done with for now. Do not let her know what else is happening, as you do not need to dig a well over there. If they love you, they will forgive you for scaring them, but at the end of the day, they just also want you to be well too. Thanks

LeslieJohnson · 22/05/2014 14:03

Don't get worried about anything,Just talk to him,having a conversation will must bring a positive result.

HayDayQueen · 22/05/2014 14:51

Hi all, just to let you know AH is flying home to SA to be with her mum for a few weeks.

The GP has signed her off for 2 weeks, and her work have given her 2 weeks off regardless of that.

She's not doing brilliantly, but she will be back after her H has moved out of the flat which I think will be better for her. The thought of going back to an empty flat is scaring her, so some support here would be really helpful.

mummytime · 22/05/2014 15:36

AH - thinking of you and hoping you have lots of rest and support in SA.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2014 16:47

Oh that's great - thanks for the update HayDay - I think she needs to be with her family right now and to be upset/angry/get TLC etc with them right now.

I was worried as I'd offered the option to meet up with her on Bank Holiday but I really don't think that's the best option right now and in any case could make her worse.

I wish her a good recovery.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 22/05/2014 17:00

Thanks for everyone's love and support. I have 15min before my cab comes. I have no idea what's in my suitcase as I'm somewhat hysteric.

Pls pray for me to get to the airport and on the plane without breaking down. I'm shaking so bad. My period just started as well so severe cramps.

Thanks everyone

X

OP posts:
nespressofan · 22/05/2014 17:05

Buy Sominax from Boots at the airport. They will put you to sleep on flight. Or Kalms. Don't mix them. Good luck and safe journey!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/05/2014 17:13

Only just saw this thread, awesome support for OP.
absolutely hope that you are able to find support back home with your family and let them look after you.

A few days' ago you told us you'd exchanged words:
Ultimately I loved him and would do anything for him. He said I deserve someone who would feel like that about me.
He's right about that you do deserve better and whilst that particular future you thought you had mapped out with him is no more, there is another future waiting for you, you will be more than all right.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2014 17:22

OP - You will be fine. remember that, you will be fine! Smile

if you get nervous try some Bach Rescue Remedy (get at Boots) it's herbal but helps. Get a trashy book or magazine at airport so you can flip through it.

also if you feel nervous whilst on flight speak to the air hostesses.

take it easy and take care. Flowers

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2014 17:23

Also you can get or borrow whatever you need (clothes, toiletries etc) in SA.

make sure your mum gives you lots of TLC and distracts you from this mess (which I am sure she will do).

am thinking of you.

LBZT · 22/05/2014 17:34

Kalms are very good try and get some from Boots.

Take Care and have a good flight, praying for a safe journey for you.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 23/05/2014 15:16

I've finally arrived. Love seeing my mum but why does it all feel so wrong. He texted me asking to pls let him know I'm safe. I said I am. He said if I'm going back to SA. I said I've just landed. He asked how long for and I said I'm not sure.

He said, be safe I still love you.

What, as a friend?!!! I'm just a wreck again. Feel like texting him but know I shouldn't.

OP posts:
wearyroad · 23/05/2014 15:28

I think you should switch off your phone for the next two weeks and get some head space without his pathetic messages.

You need to rest and get over the shock. Put yourself first x

LBZT · 23/05/2014 15:51

I agree with wearyroad switch your phone off you don't need to see his messages or hear from him, you need to go NC for the interim and give yourself some breathing space.

Glad you got home safe.

winkywinkola · 23/05/2014 16:52

Do not text him at all.

He has caused you massive pain.

Just be absent from that world and so not make any contact.

Turn off your phone.

DrowningOnSchoolRun · 23/05/2014 17:24

I'm glad you are home. Switch your phone off and just concentrate on yourself.

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