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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 19/05/2014 17:41

Have sent you a msg absolutely

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 17:54

Thanks everyone. I'm at home now preparing for him to come home and get his stuff. Feeling so sick. Not been able to eat since yesterday, just had a tea and was sick. Eurgh

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 19/05/2014 17:57

Please don't let him bully you. It's prob best to keep quiet. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing break down. In fact, you could go out and ask him to text you when he's done. Don't give him an audience.

I found nibbling on haribo sweets helped me...little bit of flavour in your mouth and sugar for energy.

X

RussellBrandsEyeliner · 19/05/2014 18:10

Oh Absolutely..how awful Sad

I agree with mamma.. don't wait in, go out and get a coffee and a trashy magazine to read. I think he is going to subject you to some drama if you are there while he does it.

So so sorry for you, you sound lovely btw and totally not deserving of this idiot man [thank]

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 18:13

Thank you mamma. Wish my mamma was near me now. I almost feel if I left it will be so easy for him but if I stayed I'm sure I will break down and there's even a risk I will ask him to stay. Not that he will anyways.

I feel so self-absorbed talking about myself all day. Tomorrow, I will try and help someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 18:14

Thanks Russell, I love your name :) according to him I'm awful and not worth his love

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/05/2014 18:29

Your totally worth love, and not the kind he offers. I would think his behaviour is indicating another woman, thats why hes saying those things, he needs to justify his actions, otherwise he couldnt.

RussellBrandsEyeliner · 19/05/2014 18:52

absolutely, you carry on talking about yourself and Im sure your mamma would prefer it if you stayed strong and looked after yourself the best you can right now as she cannot be with you right now (and Im certain she would want to be, as I would for my two precious daughters)

Why do you want what form of "love" he is offering you anyway?.. he can stick it up his arse as far as I am concerned, he has treated you awfully and you deserve so much more and better, you are still young enough to find someone to have the family your desire to have X

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 19:56

Thank you all. So much xxxx

OP posts:
RussellBrandsEyeliner · 19/05/2014 20:03

absolutely, are you ok right now? is he there? in leaving mode?

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 20:10

He just came in this minute and casually said he "thinks" he might be making a mistake!!!!!

I said well- YOU have made it!!!

Him- can't I unmake it?

Me-no

Him- off to have a shower.

What the fucking hell!!!! I'm so angry.

OP posts:
RussellBrandsEyeliner · 19/05/2014 20:12

Total and utter game playing.. what do you want to do?

anonacfr · 19/05/2014 20:13

I don't want to make you feel bad but it sounds like he might have plans to move in with an OW and those plans fell through.

Either way he's an utter arsehole. I'm sorry he's putting you through all this.

DocDaneeka · 19/05/2014 20:21

Fuck me

YOU ROCK!

give the hopeless weasel a taste if his own shite. And don't take him back. He will just do it again.

mammadiggingdeep · 19/05/2014 20:23

Oh my goodness. What a totally selfish prick.

You poor, poor thing. How DARE he muck about with you like this.

Are you ok? I really think you need to stand firm and tell him to go. You need some time to reflect on all of this. He mustn't click his fingers and get his own way.

Be strong. Dig deep.

LBZT · 19/05/2014 20:24

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you but please don't fall for his b*llshit, remember you are worth more than what he is offering you. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and love and kindness. A person like that will always consider your feelings and your H is clearly not that man...so sorry that you have to go through this.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 20:29

I cannot believe him. Who does he think he is??? Fucking with my heart like this!!! He had a shower and then flew into the kitchen, shutting door behind him and sitting in the garden!!

I'm fuming but trying to stay calm and watch tv.

OP posts:
LBZT · 19/05/2014 20:32

It's a nice evening can you go for a walk to get some space from the head fuck.

nespressofan · 19/05/2014 20:33

Can you not just ask him to leave. You'll find the strength. We're here.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 20:39

Well that is a point! Thought he was leaving why is he invading my garden!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/05/2014 20:43

You are playing along with his games. Like you have said you always have so far. If you want things to change, you need to stop engaging. Pretending to watch tv whilst clocking every move he makes.

Tell him he wants to go...so he goes. If you are so awful why is he still there and why are you tolerating his presence ?

mammadiggingdeep · 19/05/2014 20:44

Exactly!!!! Tell him to fuck off and leave. How dare he think he has all the power "maybe I will, maybe I won't".

He's probably sitting out there dying for you to go out after him and ask if he's ok, will he be staying etc.

NickiFury · 19/05/2014 20:48

Tell him to get out. Keep calm and quiet and tell him to leave NOW! Tell him you know he's seeing someone else so quite frankly you're glad to see the back of him. If you don't take control of this you can look forward to months of this to-ing and fro-ing.

SweepTheHalls · 19/05/2014 20:52

What do you want? Him out for now and Relate to see if the marriage can be mended? Or a clean break? Put yourself first Smile

RussellBrandsEyeliner · 19/05/2014 20:53

I get the feeling Absolutely really does not have the strength to go out there and give him what for right now... Jeez... Trying to put myself in your shoes, what do you think is going to happen? what do you WANT?

I know its going to be hard to tell him but you must think about what you want and you must tell him somehow lovely lady...

My heart is going out to you right now XXX