Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

A fellow South African here OP. I know how hard it is to have no family nearby when the shit hits the fan. Is your husband a South African too?

He sounds like a complete doos. (Just thought I'd throw in some local taal to make you feel less alone).

I think he needs to leave. You need to make him leave. Tell him that he cannot treat you like he has done and then expect to waltz back in when he has a brain fart and changes his mind. Tell him to go sort out his mind, while you start reaching out to other people. Do you have an interest of any kind/hobby/sport? Join a group and try to start meeting other people. Just ask one of your work colleagues out for a drink. They may be just as lonely. Start small and go from there.

If he comes back showing complete and utter remorse for the way he has behaved, then consider talking to him about him returning. But really, he has a long way to go to prove he has a right to your love.

Have pm'd you absolutely x

www.rainbownation.com/uk/clubs/index.asp

Here is a website for South Africans living in London. I highly recommend you joining a social club with links to your home country. I am an expat living in UK and joined a social club of my home country. It has been a life saver for me and their support and friendship have been amazing (I was also in an isolating marriage/situation with no friends - I feel for you). You can be yourself with these people who all have at least one thing in common with you. It will also give you opportunities for going out, exploring London, developing new interests as well as make new friends.

Good luck!

Brilliant suggestion wunda woman.

Hope you're ok op x

I just wanted to say that I was also quite isolated when my ex told me he was leaving. We had been back in the UK for a year after living abroad and had moved to an area where we knew no one. I had old friends who live a way away and like you had been a bit neglectful of female friendships in general albeit unintentionally.
A year on from the split and I am slowly making some good friends here and have reconnected with old friends and am wondering why I had let that side of my life dwindle. I will certainly never let it happen again and in fact am wondering if I really have time to have a relationship or if indeed ever really want one again.
You are young and you sound like a lovely person, I think the expat scene in London is a great starting point for you. You still have it all before you and I'll bet before too long you'll be wondering what you ever saw in this man who sounds cruel and manipulative.

Just wishing you luck, stay strong and don't put up with his treatment

Told you he was annoyed that you weren't begging him to come back. I sincerely hope that the evening didn't finish with a big crying session and some acrobatic make-up sex ..... He's behaved very cruelly and arrogantly, said some unforgiveable things that you shouldn't forget, and shown you that you are very much 'disposable'.

Hope you're OK OP.

Right then- update on the evenings proceedings.

I got it wrong, the date from when he has found somewhere is the 30th. So in 10 days time. He said he thinks he might be making a mistake. That he loves me and he thinks that if he moved out he will die a lonely old man someday. I said that is a decision HE made and seemed very sure about it at the time. He said but when he mentioned leaving I didn't disagree with him.

I asked what he expected? He has broken my heart and made me feel like utter shit. He has been unbelievably cruel. Telling me has felt like this for TWO years (whilst we're trying for a baby and trying to buy a house). He said he realised that was cruel and that he is sorry. He said he didn't feel like that all through the 2 years but some of the time through it as we argue a lot- which we do.

I became more and more angry. I said how can you say such destructive things and expect a sorry to make it ok? And even whilst he was talking it wasn't in any urgent way like a man realising he is losing everything, more in a casual manner.

I told him that I feel like he's maybe regretting wanting to leave because the reality of leaving our nice flat and moving into a room somewhere is becoming to dawn on him and for no other reason. He said no, he had no problem with that and that if he thinks about living on his own there's actually stuff about it he is looking forward to!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just tell him to go rather than having him poisoning your air with his contradictory and self-pitying bullshit for 10 whole days. If he's looking forward to living on his own so much, a few days sofa-surfing at friends' places shouldn't get in his way....

... glad you've seen through him

Stop the pointless conversing with him, it will wreck your head. Tell him he goes. This is what he wanted...you are simply giving it to him.

He's already detached from you, he's just a bit apprehensive that he's going to regret it and lose out. He's not coming back to you, it's not YOU he's worried about losing, it's the life and security he has with you. Can you see the difference?

The ONLY thing to do now is detach yourself, it's over, be cold and clinical and tell him you want him gone ASAP. Personally I would force his hand and put his stuff out and tell him not to come back, legal or otherwise. I think you're probably still hoping he is coming back to you though.

ahh, so what he wants is you pleading and crying and begging him. maybe agreeing to do ANYTHING to make him stay, putting him in a position of power where any little disagreement can be solved by him saying he has a wobble about the marriage.....
he didnt expect you to accept his decision and let him go. He thought himself far more desirable than he really is!

What a joker. He doesn't want to end up a lonely old man. It's all about him.

Hope you're ok op. the others are right, as hard as that is to hear.

He wants to keep a foot in both camps. If you agree to let him stay because he acts all "devastated" then he has beaten you down into accepting what he is offering and giving him the green light to carry on whatever extracurricular activities he fancies.

I logged into our joint account 30min ago and discovered he has taken half of our money. Of everything we had saved our whole marriage.. for a baby, house deposit. And he did it on SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has not said ONE WORD to me about it.

move the rest out to you ASAP and anything else (other accounts) that you can think of, do not leave this act now..

I hope you took the remainder and transferred it to your personal account.... Please tell me you've kicked the lying little bastard out now.

and please listen to AF she speaks bluntly but is spot on

I've moved the rest to my savings account.

Well, he wouldn't would he

And in the meantime he has been shmoozing you (again)

Wake up, lady. Time to play hardball. Get straight onto a solicitor and freeze any further accounts/investments immediately.

He's a coward, AH. Simple as that. Or maybe he's trying to keep you off balance so that you wouldn't notice? Better check what else he might be up to.

As cog said the other day on another thread...

It's time to find your inner bitch op. please, put yourself first. He cannot be trusted.

Im pathetic.

He told me again last night that i deserve better than him. Then why do i just want everything to be ok.

I am not coping well at all today. No sleep, unable to eat for the 3rd day and keep shaking. I cant get out of bed.

Oh AH - He's right there, you do deserve better than him!

Of course you want everything to be ok, that's natural. 9 years with someone is a long time.

Ok OP - I'm going to suggest something I wouldn't normally do. You need to go to your doctor and get Prozac - it will even your emotions out and you only need take it for 2 months minimum. You can't drink alcohol on it. The only reason I say Prozac is to get you through this.

Also get an emergency counselling session and go there.

Sleep - anything from lavender essential oil, camomile tea, warm bath etc.

try to make yourself eat something, whether it's yogurt, boiled egg, omelette and also maybe take a few days off work. explain to them what's happened and I'm sure they'll be understanding.