Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

AH - listen to those who know what they're talking about here. Please get to a GP quickly.

And keep posting on here, there are very wise people here that can hold your hand through this awful time.

I'm falling into this whole so deeply.

I tried to call him twice and texted him that i am really not ok. Really not.

He has ignored me.

How can he feel nothing.

I'm so ill

Please try not to call him. He's not worth the pain you feel when he doesn't respond.

Any chance you can get to a counsellor soon?

You are not pathetic- he is. You are also not hopeless. He is a selfish, callous, contemptible bastard. I don't know how anyone with a conscience can behave like this to someone that loved them. Does he have family that you can talk to? I bet they would be horrified by his behaviour.

I agree with some of the others that it's very important that you see your GP to get some help dealing with this. It's too much to be tackling on your own.

I know as I type this that it always sounds easier said than done, but you will get through this, one day at a time. You won't be able to see it now, but you've had a very lucky escape to find out about the nastiness that he is capable of before having children with him.

AH - I think you need to share a bit more about yourself, there are reasons why you chose someone like him, and the wise MNetters here will help you work it out.

HayDay but now - I think the OP is just in breakdown mode. which isn't the sort of mode where you want to analyse much what/where/how etc it went wrong. from my experience anyway.

she's mostly grieving for this situation and the fact that the tosser is swinging between leaving her and then reassessing the situation.

I do think (even though she'd be by herself) that a day or 2 off work may help if only for her to cry, sleep, take things in and not pressurise herself with work. real life friends help too. Online friends are all very well but they of course can't do what real life people can do. sometimes coffee and a chat with someone helps somewhat in a situation like this.

Hello everyone. I have just spoken to AH on the phone. She lives close to me. She may be coming to my house tonight to stay for a few days. She is totally alone and needs, as we all do at times like this, someone to look out for her. I have asked her to keep posting here for all your great advice and I am hoping she can come to our house this evening. I will also keep you all posted.

nesspressofan - what a wonderful wonderful thing to do for the OP.

I'm sure you will be a great help and support to her as will the rest of us on this thread.

take care to you OP and HUGS

Thanks Nespresso

She came to mine yesterday, but I have prior commitments for the next 2 evenings. I've been so worried about her. She's such a genuinely lovely person and it's heartbreaking to see her like this.

You have all been of great help to her thus far but sometimes we need a physical presence. I will also persuade AF to see the doctor and get some betablockers prescribed. I will let you all know how things progress.

Oh HayDay what a lovely thing to do. Thank you.

You have ALL been more to me in the last few days than someone I've loved for 9years. Haydayqueen was my refuge yesterday and Nespresso as above.

It breaks my heart to see the kindness of strangers.

Im still stuck in bed, alternating between being sick and crying/shaking.

I cant seem to leave this room. I have no idea what the hell is happening to me. I thought i was brave yesterday.

Im contemplating buying a plane ticket home but not sure if that is a good decision or not.

See if you can pack a small bag and get yourself here, even if it's a taxi. We can then talk and you can weigh up all your options. As I said on the phone, might be worth looking at asking your mum to come here as opposed to you taking a long haul flight home right now. I wish I could come to collect you today but I'm tied up til 8pm.

I think you were in shock yesterday. Some of the shock is wearing off now, and it's all hitting you.

Suffering from shock can be really scary you feel like your body isn't yours...but it's just a reaction and actually even if you don't feel it you are going to be OK.

There is such kindness on this thread AH please don't be scared to reach out and grab it with both hands.

AH, is there anyway you can get to the train station to get to Nespresso? It's the same train you caught to my house - I could even pick you up from the station and get you to her house. If it wasn't for school pick up I'd head over and pick you up.

Sod clothes etc. We can always go with you to pick some up later.

Hi everyone,

Ive just woken up and managed a cup of tea. Then discovered the latest twist in my messed up life.

My background
Grew up with single mother, dad left when i was 3. Im an only child. My mum got help in raising me from her sister, my aunt. Who i am extremely close to. My aunt is 75 and in remission from cancer. My mum is 55 but had to stop working because of a heart condition caused by a bug she caught in the hospital where she worked as a nurse.

Because i worry a great deal about them both i never mentioned any issues from my marriage or otherwise. Its been tough as i really needed them at times over the last 9 years.

The past week when H anounced he is leaving, i had to call them as i'm alone and broken. Naturally they were concerned and stressed to hear all this. I've thought about going to my mum this week, just to get away from it all for a bit. My mum said she would love to have me. My aunt is worried that im not thinking clearly and should think about money etc and try and work out what next first. I tried to explain that im on breaking point.

Yesterday i was skypung with my cousin-my aunts adopted daughter. She was giving me advice etc and seemed nice.

I just woke up to the most hateful torrent of abuse. She is calling me selfish and celf centred to want to come home as the stress of all of this has made my aunt really ill. She has forbid me from so much as txting my aunt again. She was swearing and going crazy!!!! She is saying all of this is my own problems, i should stay away from SouthAfrica and deal with it myself! I can't believe this. How much more hurt can i take? I feel incredibly guilty now even though i dont think ive done anything?

She also msgd H and gave him some abuse. He called me and i was hysterical. He got really angry and send her a message saying well done for making me feel even worse. She then messaged me saying ive run to him, i'm obviously a game player and that I'm a nasty piece of work!!!

Oh AH, I'm so sorry. What a nasty person, kicking a person when they're down.

I think though, that going back to South Africa would be a bad idea under the circumstances.

I'm glad you got some sleep, and I hope you feel physically better and that you manage to get at least some food into you. You need to keep your strength up.

I hope that in the not too distant future you'll be able to push away your current nic and define yourself much more positively. Now is a time for gathering your bravery, invoke it from your deepest core knowledge of yourself as a sound and sane Woman.

You've been let down a lot in life and now by "him". This is YOUR time to declare what's what and make it so. I wouldn't recommend anti-depressants. I think you need your wits about you and those things only ever dulled/numbed me so that I was effectively worse than before. That's just my opinion and experience. Plus they take a month or two to accumulate in your system. They can't be taken with immediate results expected.

You need your wits about you because this snake of a being has already stolen half the money and has little intention of leaving. He is prepping himself to sit tight I suspect and see how you jump, according to his occupation of your space. I don't think you can expect anything decent by way of honesty, integrity or honour from him.

I think you need to reclaim your power, as they say. You don't need him, you don't need anything by way of the grief he is causing you. What you do need is to regard this as a battle for yourself. Win it and then you can grieve for the mess he's made of everything. But you and Everything will get Better when he's gone so ha!

Later still you can decide what to do about your somewhat sickening family. Sorry, my opinions are kind of blunt this evening!

Tipsy, your opinions are right. I 'm just struggling with it all.

AH I'm so sorry to hear the latest news. My offer still stands for Saturday. I'm not sure where Nespresso lives but my OH and I can also come pick you up from yours and drive you to her place tomorrow after work.

So sorry that you're struggling.

Please hold on to the fact that you WILLbe ok. Don't do anything as a knee jerk reaction. Let yourself get over the shock, maybe in a week or two begin to think about going home.

Get to the doctors tomorrow. Get signed off work and maybe discuss some AD to get you through. Eat little and often. Try to sleep when u can.

Please try to put your aunts daughter out of your mind. You know you didn't want to stress anyone out. They're your family and you're entitled to talk to them

X

Boat I msgd you x

AH - instead of anti-depressants, in the short term you could try Kalms. I took them when I discovered my husband's affair. They helped me calm down enough to stop feeling sick and bursting into tears every few minutes. I didn't take them for more than a few days, but they helped me in the short term.

Hang in there. I live at the opposite end of the country to you so can be of no physical help but wonderful that you have other mumsnetters nearby who can.

Breathe. Keep saying to yourself: this too shall pass. And it will. And you'll be stronger for it.