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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not really sure who is wrong in my relationship. Can you help?

147 replies

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:44

I don't even know where to begin.

Bottom line is I am sure H is the problem and he is convinced it is me.

I think I am losing perspective.

There are so many small niggles it is difficult to even start writing about it all.
Maybe if you ask me few questions (like a mediator) I can answer them and than hopefully we can work out who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 10/05/2014 19:45

Ok, I'll pitch in.
What has he done today that has annoyed you?

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:47

Huummm.
Actually I am guilty of annoying him first in the morning, he didn't take it very well and even after a conversation and a acknowledgement I was wrong and apology, he is still upset.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 19:47

Is the problem animal, vegetable or mineral?

Why does one of you have to be the problem?

YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 19:48

What does your relationship look like? Are you both working? Children? etc...?

Do you love him?

RatherBeRiding · 10/05/2014 19:48

Hmmm. Tricky. There are always two sides to every story, but it might help to begin at the beginning.

How long have you been together? What was your relationship like in the early days? Do you have DCs?

How about setting down some of the niggles - then we can see what kind of things are bothering you.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:49

rave this is to enigmatical for me, sorry!

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:51

What does your relationship look like? Are you both working? Children? etc...?
Both working, him full time (very demanding), me part time (CM), but I study and do most of childcare and housework

Do you love him? Sometimes I think I do but sometimes I think I don't.

OP posts:

tribpot · 10/05/2014 19:51

I think what raven means is why does one party have to be to blame?

How did you annoy him this morning?

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 19:51

OK, the first of my questions was not meant entirely seriously, but how about the second one? Is one of you (or are both of you) causing a problem, or are you both in a strange place and trying to cope with it in different ways?

HotSauceCommittee · 10/05/2014 19:52

Is the problem that he is quick to be displeased by your actions? If he then follows it up by being pissy after an apology, it isn't good. Do you jump through hoops trying to please him? Because that will never work.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:53

How long have you been together? What was your relationship like in the early days? Do you have DCs?

Together for about 9 years, fun on early days but not much in common from the start. A child together (not planned). Rushed marriage due to practical reasons.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/05/2014 19:54

Do you annoy each other by expecting each other to guess how you're feeling, not giving enough information?

UncrushedParsley · 10/05/2014 19:55

What upset him this morning? Was the sulking about it out of proportion? Sulking is never good anyhow...

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 19:55

Is your life in any way what you hoped it would be like or are you bitter/disappointed/fed up? How about him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/05/2014 19:55

Sorry, being glib.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/05/2014 19:57

Not much in common. A not-planned child. A rushed marriage.

There doesn't have to be anything wrong with either of you, or either one of you to blame. You could just not be compatible and there's nothing to be done about that other than to separate.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:59

I think what raven means is why does one party have to be to blame?
Because we think if the another change, things will improve

How did you annoy him this morning?
It was really bad of me. I spoke badly of him to Dd so he could hear.
It was after a whole week of me thinking he wasn't doing enough but not verbalising it for the sake of not be a nag.
He took a whole week off and basically did only a few school runs, cooked one meal and took Dd to swimming. Never cleans after himself, etc. When Dd told me this morning that yesterday she asked him to take her to the playground right next our home on Friday afternoon after school and he didn't go, I flipped.

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:00

Do you annoy each other by expecting each other to guess how you're feeling, not giving enough information?

I always try to communicate and keep things clear.
He is either not interested.
Never talks unless on the end of his tether.

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:01

Is your life in any way what you hoped it would be like or are you bitter/disappointed/fed up? How about him?

He says he is content and resents me for wanting more.

OP posts:

UncrushedParsley · 10/05/2014 20:01

Ok, so you were quite reasonably annoyed with him, but instead of addressing it with him, you took the passive aggressive route of doing it indirectly. Is communication always a problem? I can see how him not pulling his weight would be. Have you tried addressing this directly?

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:02

You could just not be compatible and there's nothing to be done about that other than to separate

If I even try to bring this up, a big drama is created and he become such a 'victim'.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:03

Why did he take a week off? Because of being overworked? Does he feel stressed about work?

Do you feel a nag because he says something to make you feel bad about complaining?

UncrushedParsley · 10/05/2014 20:03

So he refuses to communicate like an adult then. Big problem.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:04

Is the problem that he is quick to be displeased by your actions?
Other way round. I find it hard to accept the way he does things.

Do you jump through hoops trying to please him?
Never

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:05

Hold on, you spent the whole week thinking he was lazy but not telling him until you blew up over the playground problem - then you say that you try to communicate, and he doesn't talk until he's at the end of his tether?

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