Not really sure who is wrong in my relationship. Can you help?

[BarbieCan]

I don't even know where to begin.

Bottom line is I am sure H is the problem and he is convinced it is me.

I think I am losing perspective.

There are so many small niggles it is difficult to even start writing about it all.
Maybe if you ask me few questions (like a mediator) I can answer them and than hopefully we can work out who is being unreasonable?

am wondering why you married him! With 1 marriage behind you, I think you would be a little more careful. You must have known how he speaks, what he watches, the fact he never reads

I met him when I had just arrived in the UK, my knowledge of English was pretty much 0. I didn't know any better and he lied about the kind of guy he was, he said he had been to college, he said he had a business plan, money saved and investors (and although I wasn't interested in his money it seemed like he was a responsible person). He had a shitty salary but he said he was at that job for the amazing experience.

Anyway I got pregnant, short into the relationship and if went back to my home country my child wouldn't have her bio father in her life. It is a very far country and very expensive to get there. Even if he was the person he was making out to be, he would be able to go there once a year if lucky. He decided not to move to my home country with me and we decided I had to stay so we could try and have a family. For me it was easier than for him, as I came from my own will and wanted to be here anyway.

You need some priorities, things you won't compromise
Yes I know the bin and socks should be at the bottom of the priority list and the budget at the top. However I have been trying the budget for a while now with no success so I don't think I should put up with the lack of budget and his overspending and his messy ways.
It is fine if parents come to pick up kids and there are toys everywhere and few dishes in the sink. However, dirty mugs and cups, empty can of beers and crisp packets on the coffee table, his shoes everywhere and his coats thrown around, don't really look good in a professional setting. And that is why I pick it up. I don't think I should. I am not asking him to scrub the toilets and the bathtub everyday. Just to pick up after himself and put stuff where it belongs. I don't think it is much.

He needs some ultimatums perhaps
I lost count of those.

OP - realistically - is he going to change?
That is what I need to know...
He sounds immature, entitled, totally disengaged from family life, selfish, lazy, financially irresponsible etc
I totally agree but believe he is a good guy and I think that given my past with a lot of failed serious long term relationships and even a failed marriage, I can say that. I blame a lot on his upbringing, he didn't have it very easy growing up and his parents didn't bother to teach him much, or if he was skipping school or what kind of food he was eating and where and how. It was kind of deprived it seems.
But is it me making excuses for him? He says he is disengaged at the moment because I checked out emotionally long ago, which is true to be honest.
If doesn't change, can you live with this long term? What is in this relationship for you?
He is a good dad, very loving, patient and caring. You see, I have been a sahm, than worked very flexibly when he could look after Dd than became a CM so I can do everything I want with her. He does work a lot of evenings and weekends, so the dynamics are me doing the things that need to be done and him chipping in when needed. Yes I would love for him to take more initiative with being out and about with Dd, but this is me telling him how he needs to be and not allowing him be himself. I do a lot with Dd so I think there is time or her to be with him doing staff his style.

I met him when I had just arrived in the UK, my knowledge of English was pretty much 0. It's very good now! Well done. How long have you been here (just nosey).

^He needs some ultimatums perhaps
I lost count of those.^
It's not an ultimatum if you don't put it into action. If you tell your dd, "We will go home if you hit me again." And she hits you. And you don't go home. Well, guess what she will do next time? As a CM, I assume you know you can't keep threatening a punishment and then not carrying it out. You need to say that this is his last chance. Why not book a ticket home for a long holiday for you and dd? Check it out back home and give him a taste of life without you.

He says he is disengaged at the moment because I checked out emotionally long ago, which is true to be honest.
That bit sounds quite perceptive and not immature at all. However, is he taking any responsibility for the fact you checked out emotionally?

It sounds like you got into everything a bit quickly - pregnant etc. I still think there is hope if you can have toyoungtodie's attitude, but I don't think you do. I think you have resentments built up over a long time, and it's going to take massive forgiveness on your part, and massive change on his part. This is possible, but I don't know if either of you want it enough.

I have been here for 9 years. How time flies.

He does apologise about stuff he has done in the past and begs me to turn the page. This is really difficult for me as I made an enormous sacrifice for the sake of trying and having a proper family (e.g.: staying in the UK, getting married AGAIN) and felt let down again so basically built up my wall. To be fair I have also treated him pretty badly (not wanting to take shit from anyone anymore) and he has forgiven me.

There are cultural differences too that made the relationship quite challenging at the beginning, but these are worked out now I hope.

Yes, I got pregnant real quick and it was such a shock, I couldn't believe it. I have had 5 serious long term relationship, (moved in together with one of those boyfriends) + 1 failed marriage, and lots of flings in between and no pregnancy.

Than suddenly I find myself pregnant in a strange land with a new boyfriend whose I can't even communicate properly and from a totally different culture and background.

We decided to at least try. I couldn't forgive myself if I had run away.

It is so very hard to let go. I know (on a much smaller scale) that if dh says anything about the house now, I am so sensitive about it. I will take it a lot more badly than before there was 10 years of house issues. I don't know, Barbie. It seems like you've both come a long way. I think for sure you cannot carry on the way things are, and I don't think hi cleaning the house once a month is enough. I think it's time for big changes and he needs to understand you are serious about that. But I hope he could also see (if it's true) that you want to give things one last big try. You do need the help, somehow. Whether it is by reading books (he will just have to do that) or by counselling somehow (can people even come to your place? do have friends who could become involved? Sometimes all it takes is a 'mediator' rather than someone with lots of counselling experience and a set time to talk through things with someone else there).

Good luck with it all. And congratulations on your English! It's really excellent.

Barbiecan I have read everything that you wrote down now. A lot of it are your heart felt assessment of the situation, which I know. Some of the comments are actually critique of him as a person, and that in a married couple, with such closeness, it is not on, in a way. Not unless he is already aware of this too. Maybe he is not ready to accept this kind of harsh truth.

Cos if we hide behind our fake persona, we become defensive, and if he is truly to be with you, he has to let that be opened too, and that both of you need to be committed to be supportive ? If he does, then you need to be gentle with it too. You wrote about how he mentioned that he is a business-orientated person and so forth, but now he goes to the pub. He reminds me of the guys that I met at uni. They say a lot of things to woo you in a way. It is the possible future which they "want", but in reality, it could be not what they need. It was just an idea. I stayed in touch with one, and life took him into a different direction. So he never reached the position of UN translator as he said he might do. The question is did you take him literally, or did you know at that time that it was a possibility, and an idea ?

When you know the guy inside and out, is this truthfulness not enough ? Even though now that you looked back in history and can see his flaws, can those flaws in any way be turned into a maximal and optimal thing and it enhances both your life ? The thing is, can you let go of the past, and come to the present moment and build a better future now that you know how both of you work. What are your strengths and weaknesses.

To me, it sounds like both of you have different personalities, but even though you guys are differently intrinsically, would you allow him to still be there for you, but do it in his own ways instead ? Is he also a bit of a people pleaser too ? Does he do "mini projects" rather than to do something every day and pick up after himself ? And can he say "no" and remove things which distracts him from his own life ? Does he have decent friends that also support him in the right way ?

Similar questions for yourself. What are your strengths, and would you consider working part-time too ? Or full-time. Would you still consider to find ways to also grow yourself as a person too even while you are in a relationship ? Cos at the moment, it seems like your focus is everything in the relationship and you forget being yourself.

I recommend this book.

Please understand me 2. - David Keirsey.
I think you are a doer, and your DP sounds like he is more of a negotiator, people pleaser.

My ex was also a people pleaser and I am the same too. I came to realise that we should not continually dig at our emotions, which more often than not break us down. At the same time, I admire the way he built his life. He lives very minimalistically. Less things in the house, therefore less chores. I am doing the same too. If I do not need it. I throw it out. If I need it, or it is a good memory. I store it away. Each day, what you see is what you get. I also started my own business, found it unfeasible, and distract me from a private life. I collapsed it.

I mean, life is what you make of it, and putting some goals together and a working method which suits you both is the way to go I think to be honest.

or by counselling somehow (can people even come to your place? do have friends who could become involved? Sometimes all it takes is a 'mediator' rather than someone with lots of counselling experience and a set time to talk through things with someone else there)
I would love that, but it must be a 'stranger', H hates talking personal stuff to people and family. And he needs to know the mediator won't take sides.

Cos if we hide behind our fake persona, we become defensive, and if he is truly to be with you, he has to let that be opened too
He is very sensitive to criticism and takes everything so personal. I might have some blame on it since at the beginning I didn't really understand the dynamics of English language and spoke in the same manner we speak in my country (we are very direct and brash in my country and people don't get offended so easily)

He reminds me of the guys that I met at uni. They say a lot of things to woo you in a way. It is the possible future which they "want", but in reality, it could be not what they need. It was just an idea. I stayed in touch with one, and life took him into a different direction. So he never reached the position of UN translator as he said he might do. The question is did you take him literally, or did you know at that time that it was a possibility, and an idea?
I did take him literally but remember I was learning the language and I am very direct too. I always kind of take things and do things literally.
He did say once, long time ago, that he kind of realised that he led me on, he 'bigged himself up' to impress me...But at that time we had no plans of having a child/getting married, he knew about my separation/divorce and things were quite casual even though we were in a monogamous relationship.

To me, it sounds like both of you have different personalities, but even though you guys are differently intrinsically, would you allow him to still be there for you, but do it in his own ways instead?
I realise that I need to allow myself to be fragile. My mum has always been angry about men and always ranted about how women don't need men for nothing. I need to allow myself not be so self sufficient (at least emotionally) and come down my high horse, as he say.

Is he also a bit of a people pleaser too?
Definitely. Does anything to please his parents, work colleagues, boss. Even me. One of the things I complain the most is that he never tells me what he wants or what he does not want...it is always: "whatever makes you happy" "you can decide" "don't worry about of me"...
Drives me mad and I have been asking him to speak his mind even if it is the opposite of what I want, so we can discuss, compromise...he says that now he can see how much of a doormat he has been and will change...lets' see.

Does he do "mini projects" rather than to do something every day and pick up after himself Yes And can he say "no" and remove things which distracts him from his own life? Not sure (?) Does he have decent friends that also support him in the right way? Not one friend at al...

Similar questions for yourself. What are your strengths, and would you consider working part-time too? Or full-time. Would you still consider to find ways to also grow yourself as a person too even while you are in a relationship ? Cos at the moment, it seems like your focus is everything in the relationship and you forget being yourself
Oh no, is the opposite I think. I have been a SAHM for a while than started working on flexible ad hoc basis, than went part time, full time, opened my business, more than full time, now part time again because I am in transition of closing business and starting a new job which I already have, starting very soon. And still do other ad hoc flexible two to three times a month. Meanwhile, I have done a lot of courses and now I am working towards a diploma, I volunteer in two different places and I am involved in the PTA. I am out taking Dd for her extra curricular activities 4 nights during the week and I am always busy on the weekend, we live in a busy city with lots of things to see and do. I have friends, with kids and without. I also look after my spiritual side and used to worship in two different places (English and my own language) but now I am just attending one as there aren't enough time for both!

And I think this is the problem here. I want to grab every opportunity and enrich my life as much as I possibly can. Obviously I want this for Dd too. And seeing him juts going to work and coming back home to play in his tablet makes me mad and 'depressed'. He kind of depressed me when he spent a whole week doing nothing but watching TV. He won't go to the cinema/exhibition/museum/gym/swimming/shopping whatever by himself...and I keep thinking if one day I die and Dd is left in his care she will just go to school and watch TV and that will be her life. He won't organise her activities, feed her interests, show her amazing new things...this depresses me..
Or maybe I am too intense.

Hm ok. I think what's happening here is that you have started to become your true self, and he has also kind of let go of his dreams or other. You seem to be that go-getter. Doing everything. But he has not. But the thing is, do you guys have like close intimate times together too? Also, do you do any activities as a couple ? Or amongst the activities that you do, don't you both share them a little bit ? i.e. go to a spiritual place together, or both go to PTA too etc. So that both of you have something to talk about. I am also a city person too, but I come to realise that, there is no way that I can use "things" to replace my emotional connection with families, and with a partner. It actually feels very hollow when it did happen for me. I realised that slowly over time. People say to me, "yeh, you are travelling everywhere, that must be great and a good opportunity", but the downside also is, I have to dine on my own. A woman on her own, and sometimes I also need to fend for myself from being propositioned as well. I also miss my own family a lot. Home-made food and things like that.

You really need to ask yourself, what both of you like, and truly protect those things and work towards like a good future. As much as we want to leave a good legacy here, we should also "be alive" in that moment and live it as well.

By the way, are you really "enriching" your life, or are you "avoiding" things ? There is a small difference as well.

Yes Maisie there were times when it seemed that I was avoiding spending time with him because I was busy doing my own thing. But, being with him would be boring. He goes to work. I know everything about his work. He watches TV programmes that don't appeal to me and my favourite programmes don't appeal to him. I don't like going to pubs unless it is for a meal, but I would rather go to different restaurants, explore the restaurants in my city. He always order and eats the same fucking thing! Every time I managed to convince him to go to a place where he can't order the same thing, he moans, and complains and is not happy. I think he needs to open his mind. A LOT.

We uses to watch a lot of films together, we stopped since Dd and always talk about start doing it again. Maybe we should.

Well, he is not interested in doing nothing really, a part from going to eat the same food always, watching TV or playing tablet. Unless he wants to go shopping but he is a big spender and will buy a lot of things that no ones needs, shoes that are worn once a year, clothes that don't fit and he won't exchange, you get the picture. Than he will suggest I buy some clothes or shoes for myself, but my taste and style is complete different of what he thinks is ideal (and he met me this way) so he gets offended as tough as I am not buying what he is suggesting to hurt him. He takes it personal. Immature.

We used to go swimming as a family, but everything is a bother: too much walk for swimming pool A, to many public transport to go to swimming pool B, family time is too early at swimming pool C...
The swimming pools are not deep enough..... he is not allowed to dive, he can't swim properly because there are kids everywhere...but is is family swimming time and he won't go alone to adults swimming time...
I don't understand.

He hates public transport, but he won't get a car.
He hates too much people around him, he won't go anywhere.

See why I kind of gave up and started doing my own thing?

Oh and he won't come and worship with me either.

He sounds depressed and insecure. My dh was like this when we first got married. He's a lot better now though he still lives x factor. One thing which happened I think is that I was quite ill for several years so he became the breadwinner. He also got a better job in that time which helped. However he didn't get a promotion for 6 years so he is leaving this week. I was thinking how he is a different person from the man who started there 9 years ago. He is much more of a go-getter though I still can't imagine him taking the kids anywhere!

He sounds narrow, dull, not very bright, and quite unpleasant OP.

You sound so much more intelligent and sensible, I wonder why you're wasting your time and energy on this man? Pandering to all his 'won't dos'.

You could be having fun with your daughter, taking her to lots of different kinds of places & really enjoying your life. It's being very much over-shadowed by this lump of a man who wants everything his way, but doesn't actually want to do anything.

So he says he loves you. Sticks to his vows truly.

You realise that he is not you and that you have different personalities. (You do realise this aspect, right?)

My question to you also is, do you also still want to try and stay in this relationship too ?

Because if you both want to stay in the marriage, then it means that you have got to stop judging each other by each other's standards and goggles.

nothing wrong in doing your own thing - i think too many people edpect a marriage to equal 2 people melding into one person

you keep yurslef happy - your own activities, your ownlife and come together on mutually come together things.

it doesn't work any other way - believe me

I've read most of the thread and I think it's got rather diverted into that old chestnut of 'attitude to housework' which I would say is a symptom rather than a cause. I'd ask some slightly different questions therefore.

• Is there affection in the relationship? Are you tactile, interested in each other, make time for each other, laugh together, do nice things for each other unasked?
• Is there respect in the relationship? Do you value each other's qualities, contributions and abilities, still say 'please' and 'thank you', share fundamental values?
• When thinking about the future, do you have the same vision? Does the idea of being age 75 together feel comforting or fill you with horror?

If the answer to most of those is negative then, details aside, you're probably just incompatible. Which would make perfect sense if you got together before you'd had chance to get to know each other properly and stayed together mostly for the sake of a baby.

Living with incompatibility means chronic resentment, irritation, sniping behaviour and general dissatisfaction. Sometimes when couples drift it can be fixed with better communication, patience and effort on both sides. But if it's your individual personalities that are incompatible there is nothing you can do except call it a day.

Should add.... to directly answer your question. Sometimes no-one is 'in the wrong' but you are simply 'wrong for each other'.

Well, what he needs is a supportive, loving (and very tolerant) wife who will help to supply the added confidence he needs to change into an able man with aspirations for the future.

I am not criticizing you OP but this is not what you are, I don't think. Perhaps your super organizing and planning makes him feel even more inadequate.

This is a mantra of many self-help books 'You cannot change other people you can only change yourself'. So complaining that he won't change to suit is pointless, and him complaining that you are frigid is likewise.

Lots of couples don't share interests, and lots of men don't do much round the house. And lots of parents don't accompany their spouse to children's activities (I wouldn't have too boring) hated swimming too but did it for the DCs

Go for counseling, what about trying to find something he would do that you can go to together. Or something he might like to take DD to on his own so that he can feel some pride that he is enhancing her childhood, instead of everything being what you feel is best. Maybe try to take a step back. Also wonder if you are too busy to spend any time with him?

Cogito, it's not as simple as those questions. 2 years ago I would have answered a big fat no to all your questions. Now it's a small yes to them, and hopefully it will become a big fat yes with a bit more work. However, that doesn't mean accepting living half a life and the rest full of misery and resentment. Things need to change, and there needs to be progress. But ultimately op and her dh need to decide if they can both be bothered because it's not ready and 1 person can't do it.

Ready = easy

Is there affection in the relationship? Are you tactile, interested in each other, make time for each other, laugh together, do nice things for each other unasked?
He is very tactile. I am not. In fact I don't like people touching me at all. He used to make a lot more things for me, unasked, and still does now and again, but apparently I didn't show appreciation. I don't do nearly half as much, however I am working on it. Laugh together? He doesn't understand my jokes and I don't like his jokes so, no we don't laugh together a lot*

Is there respect in the relationship? Do you value each other's qualities, contributions and abilities, still say 'please' and 'thank you', share fundamental values? Yes we share fundamental values and say all the the please and thank you's. We do 'say' that we value what each other bring to the table, but I do feel undervalued sometimes and so does he*

When thinking about the future, do you have the same vision? Does the idea of being age 75 together feel comforting or fill you with horror?
I will be doing my own thing anyway, tbh I can't even imagine my life that far in the future.

Living with incompatibility means chronic resentment, irritation, sniping behaviour and general dissatisfaction I think this was me before realising I have issues with my past and was taking it out on H*

Well, what he needs is a supportive, loving (and very tolerant) wife who will help to supply the added confidence he needs to change into an able man with aspirations for the future
That is what he has been saying all along. It is just very difficult for me to accept this. I also had very strong partners in the past, the go-getters who would support me and let me be fragile. I didn't have a great relationship with my dad, he has many issues and is very selfish and cold, so I guess I feel I need a strong man who will take care of me. My mum divorced and became very bitter about men in general, to the point where she used to say that the biggest disappointment of her life would be if her daughters got married . See, I didn't grow up with a positive family as a role model.

I think things are changing slowly, the weekend went this way:

Friday: H was early at home, this was good. But he was suer tired and so was I and we didn't spend quality time together.

Saturday: I had to go to work in the afternoon so it was agreed that H would take Dd to a local school summer fair. He did and she had a blast and was spoiled since he is much more generous at spending money than I am. They left before I did, so I did a quickly tide up when they left, just to make sure there were no dirty dishes or general mess. They came home after 4 hours in the fair which would be 4pm and apparently Dd watched TV for the rest of her awake time and fell asleep on the sofa with her face painting still on. I came home after midnight to find the house in quite a state (dirty dishes, plates and cups everywhere, clothes everywhere etc) but I didn't say nothing. We shared a drink, had a nice chat and agreed to go out for a meal and shopping next day as Dd needed something for Monday. I went to bed and he went to sleep very late (iPad).

Sunday: I woke up first, and relaxed a bot after breakfast than I decided was time to get going. Came to the bedroom when he was awaking and asked if the plans were still on and we better getting going. He said he would be up in 10 minutes (needed iPad fix) so I said that we could tide the house up before leaving, so we would not need to do this when back at the end of the afternoon. I said I needed him to chip in as the house was very different to the way I left it before I went to work on Sat afternoon. He understood the message and was up soon enough to tide up. We got ready and went, bought what we needed and went to have the food he likes because I couldn't be bothered to try and convince him to try something new and his taste is cheaper then mine anyway. He did manage to have a look around his favourites shops for clothes, shoes etc, and didn't buy anything for himself, a part on the way back when he popped in a second hand shop and bought DVDs. We than came home and i crashed in the bedroom while he watched DVds with Dd. Then at the right bed time he organised the her bath with his own initiative (and this is something) but I went to do the bed time story as I enjoy it.

Monday: He was off work too, so he volunteered to do the school run. I worked all day long than took Dd to her extra curricular class. He cooked dinner. I did the dishes. He did the bedtime story. He spent any other time either watching TV or playing iPad. Oh, he went and had a hair cut and a bit of walking which is good too.

Not bad. Sounds like you both did a bit of give and take there.

Did you really lay on the praise for the stuff he did right, especially on own initiative. Doesn't have to be insincere, but things like, "I really appreciated you offering to do the school run, it meant a lot to me that I didn't ask."

Then, it is always easier to say the stuff that could have been better - at a specified time. Maybe set up a time this week so you can have a good chat. Ask him how he thought the weekend went? Was there anything you could have done better? (eg. he may say give him more hugs, or kisses) And then (if he doesn't ask) you can tell him what he could have done better (keep it simple) like it would have been nice when you got back late on Sat night if he had done the dishes whilst dd was watching a DVD.

I don't know how he managed to go to bed so late on Sat and still be pleasant on Sun. My dh would have been in a right grump! There was a lot of TV, but again, this is something my dh needed a lot of help on, as he lacks the imagination to think up things for the kids to do, and resents the mess they make (TV = no clearing up). We have had many, many, many conversations about this. And friends who have said to appreciate that I do things with the kids and not just TV, so I think it is finally sinking in, but it has taken a long time.

I think you need to think of some ideas for activities him and dd could do at home. My dh is the least artistic man on the planet, but I always have lots of paper and felt tips, pencils around so he does colouring with the kids. And I have sometimes set up an activity he can do with them, as craft is really not his thing (usually a craft gift they have been bought), as dd and ds1 love it. It does come from me though. Now, after many years, he does initiate the colouring but not more than that. They will also ask: Can you help with sticker books? Or even with homework. Could he be responsible for Maths or English? I do English stuff and dh does Maths stuff which makes us both feel like we are contributing even though we are both perfectly capable of doing either/ both subjects. I think it makes dh feel good to contribute to their education. Can he take dd to an activity? I think sometimes when women are controlling, men don't do anything because it is never good enough or because the woman would rather do it herself, then they get used to not doing anything and then women resent the fact they don't do anything! It's a bit of a vicious circle.

So everything went well on the last few days but I still am with the way he speaks. However I am not sure if he speaks normal and is me who have been to sensitive. For example:

On Sunday I was super tired but I wanted to be up and running, I wouldn't manage to sleep during the day even if I wanted. However I was a bit slow, sometimes not realising he was speaking to me or not understanding things he was saying (and to be fair, he mumbles) so at one point he said: "what is wrong with you?" Now this sentence really sets me off, I particularly hates this sentence for no reason but I just said that I was very tires and felt like a zombie...before I would start a fight just because he used that sentence to talk to me.

Later on we were talking about a particular restaurant we were next to and he said if I had been there. I said yes I have. Than I said not that one but another branch. He than started to tell me how I don't answers the questions properly and how I send mixed messages because he asked that particular branch not another one and than I say YES but after few seconds I say NO...so we started discussing our communication issues and I just established that I assumed that by there he meant that particular restaurant and I understood the whole restaurant chain etc, so I am not sure here if this is me or him who is "in the wrong"...

Also, when we were in a particular shop, on the way out, the alarms went off for another customer. H was walking with Dd behind me when this happened and I could hear his voice saying something but didn't know what it was. When his voice got a bit louder I heard a "Hello" so I turned and he asked: Have we bought anything? And I said no. Than I said: sorry I didn't realise we were talking to me. Than he said: I didn't mean to raise my voice but we were not listening. Than I said: perhaps I wasn't listening because there were loud music/I was distracted/you were behind me/my name is not Hello. Next time call me by my name (told him this many times in the past, I think I get distracted easily and sometimes don't realise he is talking to me) or gently touch me and I will realise you are talking to me, not to Dd or somebody else.

So there.

I am not sure if the problem is my grasp of English language (for me it is easier to write and read than speak or understand the small speaking print) or if he is rude when speaking. Most of the time he says he is not upset and doesn't mean to be rude, but it sounds rude to my ears anyway. Maybe it is something to do with his accent or the way his parents used to speak to him, I don't know.

This all sounds fairly normal in a relationship which is not hunky dory. No, it is not perfect, but your responses were not always either. It's fine, not a big deal, normal I think when a couple is not in a great place.

I think your problem is your filter. Have you heard of that? So try this: Look around the room for red objects. See how many red objects you can see...now shut your eyes. And tell me how many blue objects are in the room. If you do this on someone else you will probably find they can't remember 1 blue object - but then get them to open their eyes and there will be a number of blue objects. The idea is that if you are looking for something, you will see that thing you are focused on, and will block out other things. That's where the expression 'looking at things through rose tinted glasses' comes from - you can see everything as lovely when you are falling in love, or on holiday or whatever. It can come across that you are focusing on the bad in dh, partly as a result of lots of resentments over time. You will keep seeing this as long as you focus on it and block out some of the good stuff too. So maybe he said some other things which were quite nice, but they have been forgotten. It is good to become more aware of doing this and to try and turn on a more positive filter.

I am sure the language is a bit of a barrier. Also different temperaments and different brains can all make it harder. But ultimately the great thing about being married to someone who is different is that you can learn from their good side and he can learn from yours. Becoming a team means complementing each other (not complimenting!). He sounds generous, laid back, affectionate. You sound dynamic, organised, careful. What a great combination if you can learn some of the other person's strengths. Where you overlap is in negativity, which can make things very difficult as there's no-one to really pull you both up, so you both need to watch that one.

I have not heard of the "filter" concept which Merry mentioned, but I do believe in the idea of "temperament" (personalities) and how our brains are wired (learned from when we are young). There can be a little bit of difference in communication style due to culture and how we are brought up. I personally do believe this. I also believe that regardless of this difference anyway, two people can still exist and be together also.

However I was a bit slow, sometimes not realising he was speaking to me or not understanding things he was saying (and to be fair, he mumbles) so at one point he said: "what is wrong with you?" Now this sentence really sets me off, I particularly hates this sentence for no reason but I just said that I was very tires and felt like a zombie...before I would start a fight just because he used that sentence to talk to me.
To me, he is saying that you are not focused on him when he tries to initiate the communication. When you did not receive in exactly what he tried to communicate, he got frustrated and said "what is wrong with you". He also wore his rose-tinted glasses and judged you against his standard. Hence his negative comment of "what is wrong with you" to let you know that the problem is not on his side but it must be you. I can understand and appreciate why you wrote that this sets you off. Because I guess what he said must be very "accusative" from your side. i.e. you did something wrong according to him, (Even though you are unaware of what he is judging you against. Since you do not know the rules to this standard.)

Later on we were talking about a particular restaurant we were next to and he said if I had been there. I said yes I have. Than I said not that one but another branch. He than started to tell me how I don't answers the questions properly and how I send mixed messages because he asked that particular branch not another one and than I say YES but after few seconds I say NO...so we started discussing our communication issues and I just established that I assumed that by there he meant that particular restaurant and I understood the whole restaurant chain etc, so I am not sure here if this is me or him who is "in the wrong"...
Well, to me, it is clear that you both "think on different wavelengths". You know, in a situation like what you guys encountered, even if you do not understand what he means or you did not catch him, try to figure it out by responding back to him. Do one of the followings;
1- Either ask him to repeat it again "Sorry, I did not hear you correctly."

2- Or if you are not sure what he meant, change what you thought in your mind, in the form of a question e.g. "Did you mean the chain ?"

Some people literally uses speech to communicate with one another, but others put more emphasis on body languages first. They can see your body language first over your speech, and then changes what they say accordingly to how they think it will be received. A lot of non-communication or communication failure happens when two people uses a different method.

The video is about different personalities. Even so, we can overcome our own personalities to see beyond ourselves and find a more rounded way to communicate. This video is a great demonstration of non-verbal communication. I was watching this last night. This is a tactile interaction. The guy wanted to "bond" or feel closer to the girl, so he made sure that his body language is exactly like hers. (Does your partner ever do this with you? Sit close to you, or mimic your actions too? And did you ever realised his body language when he does this?)

Another very complex interaction, but then they are both professionals and "get" each other. Their verbal communication is very complex, but very entertaining.

When Julia mentioned that David has only 1 child only, and he reaffirmed this, he then also said something negative, to see if she did mean it as a negative thing, and this caught her out. Hence she laughed. Meaning, she did cheekily said something, whether intentional or not as negative.

They are both not very tactile people, BUT, they do show "appreciation" by repeating information which shows the other person in a good light. So Julia told the public that he gave her flowers every year. You can tell how happy this made him and he smiled. They are using their voices, as well as their body language too to show one another that they are happy about things. Then later David did apologise very directly, and you can see when he apologised and told the excuse, he did look remorseful. He also "exaggerated" (maybe to give more empathy and emphasis as well) that she is only one of the few celebrities that he cares about in this industry. (Note: Both of these celebrities have done an interview for the past 10 or so years, so this is a true reflection of their working relationship.) Then you can tell Julia teased him, and when David was insulted, she then apologised too by saying "sorry". If you noticed, they were also facing one another as well when they are talking.

That is how a proper communication should be:
Person A - B - A - B - A - B - A - B etc.
Happy-upset-joke-laugh-confusion-clarify etc etc...

(=Positive-negative-positive-negative etc)