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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not really sure who is wrong in my relationship. Can you help?

147 replies

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:44

I don't even know where to begin.

Bottom line is I am sure H is the problem and he is convinced it is me.

I think I am losing perspective.

There are so many small niggles it is difficult to even start writing about it all.
Maybe if you ask me few questions (like a mediator) I can answer them and than hopefully we can work out who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

tribpot · 10/05/2014 20:05

Of course he's content - he's doing less than his share.

It was wrong to talk about the issue with your dd but quite right that you address it with him. That's not 'annoying' him and it isn't your fault.

Of course he doesn't want to separate, you're picking up the slack and looking after him. But whether or not he creates a drama about it, if you think it would be better that's your choice and your decision.

gotellitonthemountain · 10/05/2014 20:14

The only thing you can change is you, unfortunately. Either you want it to work out and make adjustments to your expectations and try to emphasise positives, or you don't want it to work (i.e. too damaged by what's gone before) and you separate.

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 20:14

I think you're the problem. You say you communicate, but you didn't last week and then slag him off to your young dd. He doesn't do things the way you want them done, so he doesn't do stuff. Seems you're fed up of him, but instead of addressing that, you're turning him into the problem. I'd resent that if I were him. Yeah maybe he's lazy or maybe he can't do anything right. YOU need to deal with things, both of you. And I don't think you are (you're the only one you can control).

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:16

you took the passive aggressive route of doing it indirectly. Is communication always a problem?
Yes, I am not a native English speaker, he isn't very patient and I am sure he also is not a brilliant communicator.

Have you tried addressing this directly?
Many times in other occasions but I always hear: 'it is my time off, my holidays, etc

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 20:22

You say he plays the victim if you talk about splitting up. Well it is pretty hurtful! Tbh,, it sounds like you have zero respect for him and v little love. I can't see it working but I don't think you can blame him for it.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 10/05/2014 20:25

Sounds like you both find it hard to actually hear each other. Could you try Relate or similar couples counselling? If he won't do that then there isn't much point trying tbh.

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:26

It is hard to communicate effectively in the foreign language; you can come across as weak/slow/stupid at the exact moment when you are trying to sound strong and clear :-S Do you speak to the kids in your language too? If so are they good at it?

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 20:29

On the other hand, he needs to know that things have to be talked about. If he can't talk there will no improvement. sounds like you both need to address things in a less emotional way at less emotional times. Can you agree to speaking twice a well and being able to both bring up done positive and negative things. That way, you don't need to wait till you are both at the end of your tether about things, but still make sure you mention stuff.

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 20:32

Twice a WEEK. And SOME stuff.

PoundingTheStreets · 10/05/2014 20:36

We're only getting one side of a problem you're trying to get us to see from both sides Barbie, which makes it difficult. However, the fact that you're on here, trying to be objective, directs my sympathies more in your direction than your DH's. What is he doing to try to improve things?

I think what I would do in this situation is be very mindful of my own behaviour and behave impeccably. No more sniping, passive-aggressive behaviour or temper. If he lets you down, make a note of it but don't react to it. Set yourself a time limit - say 3 months. If, after that time, you know your behaviour is beyond reproach but nothing has changed on his part, you'll also know that the relationship is dead in the water and the fault does not lie with you.

Good luck.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:55

Why did he take a week off? Because of being overworked? Does he feel stressed about work? Yes

Do you feel a nag because he says something to make you feel bad about complaining?
Because mess bothers me and I like to be organised and clean. Also I am a CM so the home has to be to a certain standard. I don't normally nag and get on with housework but I don't think it is fair I have to collect his empty cans and his sock, wash dishes forever and make sure there is no skid marks in the loo.

He spent the whole day cleaning and the house is spotless.
He just came to say I don't need to do his laundry anymore and won't need to clean after him anymore.

Apparently I am self obsessed a hater, I hate everyone, I slag everyone off. I don't love him.

And the truth is I am not affectionate and I do forget to show appreciation and affection.

I will have to think about this because maybe he has a point.

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:56

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 10/05/2014 20:58

Also read this book about the thorny housework issue. I think it will help you enormously to put your point across in a way he can engage with (if he can't he will be exposed as a twat). Has he considered that if he doesn't pull his weight around the house, he is actively sabotaging your career? An analogy would be you going in to his office and deleting files without him knowing or spilling coffee all over his important report.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 20:58

Hold on, you spent the whole week thinking he was lazy but not telling him until you blew up over the playground problem - then you say that you try to communicate, and he doesn't talk until he's at the end of his tether?

He pretty much wanted to stay alone, playing on the iPad, not taking part at meal times, not sitting with us. Relaxing by himself.
Wouldn't leave the iPad alone, not take his eyes of it when I was talking or even when Dd was reading to him.

OP posts:

UncrushedParsley · 10/05/2014 21:01

It sounds a bit like he has opted out of family life...also that you have tried to address the issues with him. If he won't respond, not much you can do... Choices are, tolerate it, or leave, basically.

SirRaymondClench · 10/05/2014 21:13

Do you want out from this relationship Op?

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 21:14

He spent the whole day cleaning and the house is spotless.

He's showing you he can do it, just chooses not to.

He just came to say I don't need to do his laundry anymore and won't need to clean after him anymore.

Well, that's good! Or is he saying you'll live separately, together?

He pretty much wanted to stay alone, playing on the iPad, not taking part at meal times, not sitting with us. Relaxing by himself. Wouldn't leave the iPad alone, not take his eyes of it when I was talking or even when Dd was reading to him.

Oh, dear. Looks like he is living separately? In the home, but not in the family?

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 21:15

What was he doing on the ipad?

Thymeout · 10/05/2014 21:20

The i-Pad is escapism. He's stressed at work and stressed at home, because he knows you're expecting him to do more because he's not at work. So he's trying to de-stress by losing himself in an activity where he's effectively not at home either.

And you're stressed because it's infuriating watching someone being 'on holiday' while you feel you're working even harder.

Somehow you have to see things from each other's point of view. And be nice to each other. How? Lots of calm talking, perhaps making suggestions as to how the other person is feeling, as if you're trying to understand, so it's not all me,me,me, why I'M unhappy, but more, Is it this that's making you cross?'

And the will to make it work.

Original poster

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 21:25

Sounds like you both find it hard to actually hear each other. Could you try Relate or similar couples counselling? If he won't do that then there isn't much point trying tbh
We did one session, but we can't carry on due to finances, childcare, shift work etc.
Apparently I forget very quickly what we agree on conversations and I think it is true. Eg: I agree to be more affectionate and do it for 2 days than forget again.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2014 21:30

Well it's quite hard to be affectionate to someone who is treating you like a servant ie making messes and leaving them for you to clean up.

Anomaly · 10/05/2014 21:34

I bet if he did more you would naturally feel more affectionate. At the moment its just another thing on your to do list.

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 21:51

He cleaned the whole today, does op need to jump into bed with him now?

SanityClause · 10/05/2014 21:51

Frankly, I think you're flogging a dead horse here.

I bet you'd show affection to someone you felt .....um....... affection for.

You have communication problems, and neither of you seem to have the will to solve them.

If you were both desperate to save the relationship, I think you could've afforded the time and money for counselling.

I just don't think either of you are enough to fix it.

SanityClause · 10/05/2014 21:52

Care enough, not are enough.

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