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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not really sure who is wrong in my relationship. Can you help?

147 replies

BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 19:44

I don't even know where to begin.

Bottom line is I am sure H is the problem and he is convinced it is me.

I think I am losing perspective.

There are so many small niggles it is difficult to even start writing about it all.
Maybe if you ask me few questions (like a mediator) I can answer them and than hopefully we can work out who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 22:07

I was trying not to say how UTTERLY pissed off I am with his snidey remarks about doing 'his' cleaning & laundry! I'm right in assuming he means 'his', aren't I? As in, he'll clear his own plates and do his own washing, but not yours or the kids'?

If so, that's beyond immature and all the way to nasty, mean-minded and vindictive.

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:19

What was he doing on the ipad?
Playing some games. Games that cost money

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:20

The i-Pad is escapism. He's stressed at work and stressed at home, because he knows you're expecting him to do more because he's not at work. So he's trying to de-stress by losing himself in an activity where he's effectively not at home either
Makes sense because he also doesn't feel completely comfortable at home whilst I am working. Understandable.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:22

And you're stressed because it's infuriating watching someone being 'on holiday' while you feel you're working even harder
Yes

Somehow you have to see things from each other's point of view. And be nice to each other. How? Lots of calm talking, perhaps making suggestions as to how the other person is feeling, as if you're trying to understand, so it's not all me,me,me, why I'M unhappy, but more, Is it this that's making you cross?
He says I don't see things from his point of view and it is all about me and what I need and what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:23

I bet you'd show affection to someone you felt .....um....... affection for
This makes sense.

OP posts:
GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 22:26

But ignoring his daughter while she reads to him isn't 'relaxing', it's making sure everybody knows his game's more important than them! Passive aggression, with bells & whistles.

Communication issues are inevitable when somebody's being passive-aggressive. The whole point of that behaviour is to shut others down.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 22:27

He says I don't see things from his point of view

How clearly has he explained his point of view? What is it?

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:48

But ignoring his daughter while she reads to him isn't 'relaxing', it's making sure everybody knows his game's more important than them! Passive aggression, with bells & whistles
I have been upset about this and this is one of the reasons I lost it today. He says it is not a big deal and he compensates giving attention at other times. Also that she didn't mind and didn't ask him to close the iPad. And that if I said to him to close the iPad (communication) he would. But I didn't and just kept angry inside.

Why I didn't? Sometimes I think I see him like my father was, even though he is completely different. My father would criticise and tell me off all the time. I think that sometimes when H is with Dd, I kind of regress to when I was a child and put H is my father's position, if that makes sense. It is irrational and he always react the opposite way my father would.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:49

That he loves me, the only thing he wants is a bit of affection and respect. The only things he wants is makes us happy.

But I just criticise, see the negative and what he is NOT doing instead of what he DOES.

I am not loving, affectionate and don't appreciate what he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:50

He says I don't see things from his point of view.How clearly has he explained his point of view? What is it?

That he loves me, the only thing he wants is a bit of affection and respect. The only things he wants is makes us happy.

But I just criticise, see the negative and what he is NOT doing instead of what he DOES.

I am not loving, affectionate and don't appreciate what he does.

OP posts:
GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 22:52

That is irrational, and well done for spotting it :) Old emotional reactions can be hard to break but, believe me, once you've identified one you've started fixing it!

That said, I'm not so sure he isn't like your father in some significant ways? He basically blamed DD for his own choice not to give her attention. He's the adult, she will assume he knows what he's doing (and therefore that her reading doesn't matter.)

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 22:55

So his point of view is all about what you do wrong, in his eyes? That's not a point of view, it's criticism & blame.

Ask him how he sees an ideal day with you all together. Then work on what you both need for that to happen ... and, no, "A day without you nagging" is NOT a description!

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 22:59

That said, I'm not so sure he isn't like your father in some significant ways? He basically blamed DD for his own choice not to give her attention. He's the adult, she will assume he knows what he's doing (and therefore that her reading doesn't matter
I understand it. It was an one off, is not always like this.
He is different. I don't remember one hug or kiss from my father. Just beatings and threats and criticism. He is the opposite with Dd. Lots of cuddles, kisses, encouragement, etc.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 10/05/2014 23:02

But I just criticise, see the negative and what he is NOT doing instead of what he DOES. But he doesn't do anything around the house (apart from today - token gesture and all) or engage with his family. So you aren't wrong OP. I'm with SGB it's hard to be affectionate to someone who can't pick up his own socks.

And 'nagging' is a term used when women are trying to get men to pull their weight.

He's also treating his daughter appallingly too. No wonder you are feeling resentful. That is a completely appropriate response. And Garlic is right about his passive aggressiveness too with the iPad usage.

What does he add to your life? What are you getting out of this relationship? These are common questions on here but might just focus your mind OP.

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 23:07

*But I just criticise, see the negative and what he is NOT doing instead of what he DOES. But he doesn't do anything around the house (apart from today - token gesture and all) or engage with his family. So you aren't wrong OP. I'm with SGB it's hard to be affectionate to someone who can't pick up his own socks.

And 'nagging' is a term used when women are trying to get men to pull their weight.

He's also treating his daughter appallingly too. No wonder you are feeling resentful. That is a completely appropriate response. And Garlic is right about his passive aggressiveness too with the iPad usage.

What does he add to your life? What are you getting out of this relationship? These are common questions on here but might just focus your mind OP.*

It is not like this all the time. It has been like this this week. The excuse is his "holidays".
He will do stuff when I ask. I didn't want to ask.
To be fair he works 12 to 14 hours a day, 3 or 4 times a week. It is demanding. And I have it easy when comparing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 23:08

I am using the term 'nagging'.
He didn't.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 10/05/2014 23:11

So he won't do stuff unless you ask? So he sees work around the house as your work?

Btw my partner does those types of hours and still does their share of housework when at home. Because they don't see the housework as being my job.

scallopsrgreat · 10/05/2014 23:11

But he makes you feel like you are nagging?

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 23:28

So he won't do stuff unless you ask? So he sees work around the house as your work?
I am at home all the time. He works full time. Most of the time things are done once he is home. Also the majority of the mess is mine since I work from home. I think I am a bit of a control freak and likes things done my way and when I want it. He sometimes has initiative and does staff and sometimes he asks what I want him to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 23:33

Btw my partner does those types of hours and still does their share of housework when at home. Because they don't see the housework as being my job
Good for you!
I know it is not totally my MIL's fault but she didn't bring H up to be a man who does his share. TBH their whole family is very messy and disorganised.
H usually (like today) do a very big cleaning (not always when I 'nag) and I try to maintain on daily basis.

Other example is that today he wanted also to sort Dd bedroom out. I didn't let him because I like to control what goes on there. It was the only bit of the home he didn't clean.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/05/2014 23:36

I don't think her dh should have to do his fair share to get to her desired standard of tidiness and cleanliness. My dh is the biggest nag in the world. It's about different standards and expectations. It's also extremely demotivating. If he says, it helps me when the house is tidier but I really struggle when it's a mess, that helps. Why did you leave your clothes on the bathroom floor AGAIN (eye roll) is just a quick way to divorce.

Original poster
BarbieCan · 10/05/2014 23:42

Merry
I am like your H.
And more: other people's mess annoys me and I struggle a lot with mess around me. I sometimes overlook my own mess, probably because I know I will tide up after myself and don't expect anyone to do it. I am somewhat resentful of tiding up after people, even if this is the smallest thing. I do it but I resent a lot.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 11/05/2014 00:00

It wasn't meant to be a good for me comment Barbie. It's shouldn't just be good for me. It should be good for you too. You are saying this man won't even pick up his socks. That isn't about standards. That is about him thinking it's someone else's job to pick them up.

He's been at home all week and totally disengaged from home and family? When do you get a week to do the same?

Have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship.

Original poster
BarbieCan · 11/05/2014 01:31

scallop. I know. To be fair I am no Angel. But H feels entitled. It is her personality, the way he was brpught up (maybe this is me making excuses for him now).
Bottom line is: none of us had good role models when growing up regarding relationship. And my family is even more dysfunctional than his.
Also I am four years older. I have had few serious relationships before and even one broken marriage. But H in the other hand has never been in a serious relationship before a part from ours. This makes everything so much more complicated.
Add the fact that I have been sharing many houses with many different people since I am 17 whereas he left parent's home to live with me.
I had lots of great experiences in my life and a better education. He hardly turned up for lessons at secondary school.
We are just so different.
He is extremely laid back, doesn't see any point on savings, budgeting etc.
I am careful, organised, I worry about future.
He is just too inmature.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 11/05/2014 01:35

Remember - it's fine to end a relationship that you are unhappy with. You don't need his permission or his co operation to get rid of him.