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Original poster

He told me he is bisexual

266 replies

onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:23

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 08/05/2014 19:27

Did he lie? Has he gone down that road or is he saying he thinks he'd like to or just that he does feel attracted to men?

The bisexual thing wouldn't be an issue for me but fidelity within a relationship does matter too me.

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:28

He's been there.
The last encounter was 2 years ago.
He said he doesn't want a relationship with a man and there's no one else.

I don't understand.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 08/05/2014 19:31

He has lied to you. I personally would not date an bisexual man so I would feel tricked if I was you.

I think it would tear the relationship apart if I was in your shoes, I have trust issues anyway! It really is up to you how you feel.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/05/2014 19:32

I remember when I confessed to my partner that I'd once been in a sexual relationship with another girl for 4 months. I think I told him this about 6 months into our relationship. It had happened 8 years before I had met him and I'd never been with another woman since. He wasn't overly bothered but I think men view bisexuality as a positive as it may mean a 3some in the future??

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2014 19:32

He lied to your face. Big mistake and I don't think you should waste time trying to understand.

MisForMumNotMaid · 08/05/2014 19:33

Hmm so he has told a blatant lie.

Why has he come clean now? Do you think it could be because his feelings for you have grown stronger or he is scared you'll find out?

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 19:37

Do you normally ask Bfs if they are bisexual or slept with men - or did he give of a vibe? This seems a strange thing to ask of a new partner.

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:40

He said he always intended to tell me in the first year and was scared to say before.

I feel like he has duped me...masquerading as a straight male. I don't know much about it but, what if he feels the urge to be with a man again?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/05/2014 19:40

I was just thinking that. It wouldn't occur to me to ask if they had been with a dude.

I couldn't be with a man who is bisexual either.. is it a dealbreaker?

eddielizzard · 08/05/2014 19:41

don't understand the problem with someone being bisexual.

i do have a problem with lying though. you asked, he lied. he's come clean now though. the question is: do you trust him?

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:41

Port- there was lots of talk, I believed we had a really uninhibited sexual relationship. We discussed everything.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 08/05/2014 19:43

He was wrong to lie...but I can see why he did if you were asking if he'd ever slept with a bloke in a hostile manner. I've had experiences with other women before, and I don't think I told my now dh (bf then) for a couple of years, although he didn't ask, tbf,

Is him being bisexual a deal breaker, or is it the fact he lied?

qazxc · 08/05/2014 19:43

The fact he is bisexual wouldn't bother me.
But the fact he flat out lied would.
I would also expect fidelity from a partner whatever their inclinations might be.

balia · 08/05/2014 19:45

I get that the lying is upsetting - but we do know that bisexual people aren't completely without morality or control and that being bisexual does not necessarily mean that someone would cheat/sleep around?

Blithereens · 08/05/2014 19:47

It's disappointing to always see so many people saying they wouldn't date a bisexual.

I agree he shouldn't have lied to you but the lie should be the problem, not the fact that he's bisexual.

Maisie0 · 08/05/2014 19:50

I'm sorry, but ditch him. You're entitled to be upset, especially when he has misled you this way.

Crazy people.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 08/05/2014 19:51

Blatantly lying is a problem, particularly when you asked him outright but I don't think he's more likely to be unfaithful or leave you than anyone else, even he has a bigger pool of possibilities. Either he loves you and wants to do the forever thing or he doesn't. His sexuality has nothing to do with that.

I can see where he might have panicked when asked, if he'd already got the feeling you'd end things over it but it was pretty stupid on his part. Better to have ended it earlier if you can't get over the bi thing than both of you get more hurt later in the day. Maybe he hoped that if you got to know him better you'd see past it? Who knows; he's stuffed it up now with the lies.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 19:53

Well only you know him. The lying would be a big deal to me.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 19:55

Sorry, my head is kind of spinning with this one.

You are dumping someone because they are bisexual?

I'm also deeply Hmm at the assumptions on this thread that bi people are promiscuous. Just...

Why on earth would being bi make you promiscuous? By what logic? If you like people who have blonde hair and brunettes, does that mean you can't be faithful to brunettes?

He lied about something deeply, deeply personal, something that can actually be hard to share. You are basically angry that he didn't come out to you. The trust that takes is huge. I guess he's well and truly learnt his lesson now Hmm

Maisie0 · 08/05/2014 19:55

By the way, you do not need someone like this to mess up with your own mind at all. Listen to what you are writing about now. Second guessing everything and it will indeed make you more paranoid, and the trust thing has just gone out of the window. If he cannot even find it within himself to say anything in honesty, then what is the point, right ?

If you never had to question this aspect of yourself, then do not be with someone who plays this kind of morality game, cos they will drag you down with them as well. If you are certain of what you want within a partner, then stick with it. Just stick with it. If a man cannot deliver actions to prove himself, then ditch. Words are cheap. We can say as much as we like, but showing someone actions and accountable actions prove something imho.

wannaBe · 08/05/2014 19:55

It would never occur to me to ask whether someone had had a sexual relationship with another man but tbh I think being bisexual is something which people should be up-front about.

Being bisexual would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship and I think that to omit this kind of information is deceptive.

And it has nothing to do with any ideas of bisexuals having different morality etc. People have their own sexual orientations, be that gay, straight, bisexual, transgender and so on, and they also have their own sexual preferences be that to be with other men/women/both etc. My sexual orientation is heterosexual and my preference is to have relationships with heterosexual men. People are free to do what they want in their own sex lives, I have no issue with that. But equally I am free to have my own sexual preferences and they do not include sleeping with men who wish to be with other men.

I don't see what's so sad or difficult to understand about that.

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:58

I thought I knew him.

There's me thinking we have a genuine relationship, where we are open and honest with each other.

Sad
OP posts:
Tenrec · 08/05/2014 19:58

I don't see the problem dating someone bisexual, my current partner is bisexual and his previous partner was a man, but he's attracted to me and that's what matters (and obviously I am to him). My problem would be the lying BUT it's possible he was worried he would completely scare you off, as many people would unfortunately be. I'd say talk to him about it, and say you feel betrayed that he lied to you and see what he says.

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:59

He did not lie by omission.
He denied to my face.

OP posts:
Sigyn · 08/05/2014 20:07

It can be a hard thing to admit.

You don't know the reaction you are going to get.

You have almost certainly been rejected in the past. To some extent, your early life/teenage years will have been shaped by it.

You've grown up being told to some extent that your feelings are wrong.

There's quite a strong cultural suggestion that bisexuality is not a valid sexuality, that people need to choose and if they don't, they will ultimately spend their time thinking about whichever gender you are not.

I would see it the other way. He's finally opened up to you. No one wants to hide stuff from their partner. The fact he lied before probably means that he didn't feel able to share it before, that he was afraid.

If you really can't see your way to a relationship with him, if him being bi really trumps all else, then I think at least try to see it from his perspective. Its enormously scary to have to come out and one thing about being bi is you tend to have to do it a lot. And its never fun. Its always scary, but especially when you care about the person. He must have really trusted you. So I wouldn't be angry, if you can help it. I'd be honoured that he's finally managed to be honest, even if it means its not for you.