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Original poster

He told me he is bisexual

266 replies

onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:23

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

OP posts:
balia · 08/05/2014 20:10

I don't see what's so sad or difficult to understand about that.

Because the kind of thought-policing you are talking about is unrealistic? Are you happy to sleep with men who have in the past slept with other women, and sometimes still think about sleeping with other women? And if so, why is it any different?

If I said I had an in-y belly button and I only wanted to sleep with people who had out-y belly-buttons AND only those people with out-y belly buttons who had exclusively slept with other people who had in-y belly buttons...would that help you to see how to some people I'd sound a bit silly?

squizita · 08/05/2014 20:17

I am also surprised by the assumption that bisexuals are promiscuous (I assume this is the deal breaker element for many). Why would they be?

Did he sense this assumption - is that why he lied?

Not condoning the lies, but it might explain why he covered it up.

gamerchick · 08/05/2014 20:30

Never thought would see sexual preference brought up as a PC thing.

People can do what they want but it's my bloody right to sleep with a man hasn't with another man.

Christ the things people twist about these days.

mercibucket · 08/05/2014 20:31

did you tell him you were prejudiced against people who are bisexual when you started dating? might be fairer to get it out in the open

Blithereens · 08/05/2014 20:32

It's sad because it feels like nothing else about the bisexual person would matter. It wouldn't matter it they were funny, smart, warm, kind, loyal, faithful, generous, devoted...their sexuality, which they can't choose, would override all of that and make them an undesirable prospect.

But this beside the point for the OP, for whom the lying is a real and genuine upset. Although I agree that coming out is hard, I understand why it's upsetting if the guy made such a big deal about being honest and open.

squizita · 08/05/2014 20:33

Its a sexuality not a "preference"?

And you're right, you don't have to sleep with anyone you don't want to BUT several people acted like it meant he would cheat. That's not the same as choosing based on past lovers, its tarring his future behaviour.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 20:44

TBH the honest and open thing sounds to me like he was trying to sound the OP out a bit and see if being bi was likely to be an issue.

He shouldn't have lied. But I think, please try to understand the context in which he probably did it. He was probably afraid you'd react by rejecting him. And while, yes, it is your right to do that, the kind thing to do would be to gentle with him. If him being bi really, really matters that much.

Please don't underestimate how hard this has probably been for him. He should not have lied, but please look at in in the context of him having to tell you something he probably found very difficult.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 20:49

FWIW as well-to anyone who doesn't want to sleep with men who sleep with men.

Well good luck with that one. Because I've known quite a few married, incredibly straight acting men, who would swear blind, probably even to themselves, that they were 200% straight, who liked to go for a twilight walk on the Heath of a Friday evening Hmm .

Something like a third of straight-identifying men apparently report having had a homosexual experience. And that is the ones that report it.

MisForMumNotMaid · 08/05/2014 20:50

I've made comments upthread about fidelity not because of the bisexual disclosure or any assumption that sexuality has any bias towards promiscuity but because of the bare faced lying!

For me an absolute deal breakers is fidelity. I couldn't go back from it. If someone is found out to have lied, I would be concerned what other things they'd lie about.

If people are banging their heads against walls because of that comment
I feel its been misconstrued.

Its part of my personal baggage - i've been cheated on, it turns out more than once in a long marriage, and found myself with two very young DC's and no income. He liked to lie - I tend to be trusting.

sykadelic · 08/05/2014 20:52

I'm with you on this one. I can't say I'd never date someone who is bisexual (though my preference is not for the same reasons you listed), but it was obviously important enough to you to ask whether he was or not... just like I prefer certain traits be absent (like a criminal record - depending on the crime - for example).

The fact that he waited knew it would be a big deal and he kept it from you anyway. Could be he hoped that on getting to know him it wouldn't matter to you, could be he was scared, could be he's an arse).

I don't care how many people say "but I'm still the same person", no, you're not. You lied about your past, which means the person I thought you were, the person you showed me, is only a half-truth and now I can't be sure what you tell me is the truth or a show for my benefit.

It's easy for us to say LTB for lying, but it's hard to do when you're the one doing it. You're 10 months in, that's why he waited, to make sure you were faced with this tough decision.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 21:01

I have to say, when we were first together I told my partner quite a big lie

I said I was vegetarian.

This was after he said he could never kiss a meat eater.

Now saying I was vegetarian was not really technically true. I actually had a chicken sandwich in my bag. However, from then on I didn't eat meat, except really delicious meat like bacon, and only when he wasn't around. In other words, I lied, and continued to lie, while I adjusted to the terrible reality of a life without meat.

I confessed this to him about a year ago (we've been together nearly twenty years) and he was actually surprisingly pissed off. NOT because of the fact I was still eating meat but because I thought I had to lie about it. He was all "you thought I was THAT unreasonable." (he was, tbh, he went on vegetarian demos and all sorts).

Rightly or wrongly, I think we do tell a few lies when we are trying to pull get a relationship off the ground. But I'd say that we don't generally lie to each other. That lie at the start didn't set the tone.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 21:03

Oh no hang on that looks bad. I didn't carry on eating meat for 20 years, but for about 3 weeks.

balia · 08/05/2014 21:05

Wow. Just wow. Did you mean to equate bisexuality with criminal behaviour, or was that just a remarkably insensitive comment?

BeetlebumShesAGun · 08/05/2014 21:08

i don't know much about it but what if he got the urge to sleep with a man again?

I imagine it would be the same as if he got t

he urge to sleep with another woman. If he is a decent guy who loves you he would not cheat. Would you wonder this about a straight man "what if he got the urge to sleep with another woman?"

However, I understand your attitude about the lying. It would be difficult to trust someone who lied directly no matter what their sexuality. But I suspect he lied because he was frightened of the exact reaction you have had.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 21:17

Also. fwiw, it wouldn't occur to me to advertise my sexuality in case people didn't want to date people like me.

So someone who didn't like me because in my past I've had relationships with women could steer a wide berth, without even getting to know me.

I'm not being flippant here but if that's your way of thinking (not just the OP-anyone on this site)-seriously, it might be worth putting No Bisexuals on your ad. If I were on a dating site and saw that, I wouldn't bother getting to know you, and everyone's time would be saved.

Bisexuals don't want to be rejected either, or to date someone who sees their sexuality as the single most important thing about them. If its a deal breaker for you, maybe be upfront about that.

WestEast · 08/05/2014 21:18

Just my tuppence as a bisexual woman, in a relationship with a man, separated from my (female) civil partner (a bit like same sex marriage for those who don't know).
It's honestly fucking nerve wracking meeting a bloke and telling them I'm bisexual (I'm upfront cos some people are homophobic dicks and I like to be able to cut these sorts out of my life) cos 1) they think 'threesome' or 2) dirty slutty bisexual clearly doesn't know her own mind, 3) sinning spawn of satan.
Whereas the reality is no matter what your goolies are, I can get down with them.
Your bloke may well have felt the same fear of rejection that I feel when telling someone new. Bottled it, never had the right moment, and decided to tell you now, because he trusts you, loves you, has realised his mistake?
So he likes a bit of fun time with blokes, he clearly likes it with women as well, namely YOU or he wouldn't be with you.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 08/05/2014 21:22

Well said WestEast.

Friedbrain · 08/05/2014 21:33

what BEETLE said!

Maisie0 · 08/05/2014 21:56

To be honest, I sometimes do not understand this kind of stereotyping pushiness from others when the OP clearly stated a preference, and many other posters then try and persuade them on the moral side and as if the should "take this option". Let the girl allow her own voice on the matter. As afterall, it affects her life than it affect ours.

I also feel sorry for her because to me, knowing yourself, and being truthful to someone else is actually a fundamental thing within a relationship. There are no excuses. If you are still growing up and is not sure, then do not choose her. If you are out for self gratification, then this is hardly going to be a solid relationship where one has to be self altruistic, isn't it ?

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you that after 15 years, I am Gay. Goodbye."

If you are not sure, then be open about your uncertainty. Not wait til someone has given you their heart and then tell them at that exact moment to destroy them and your relationship.

If you are inexperienced and not dated many people, then say so too. "I am unsure of how this will go, as I have not dated many people or have had as many relationships before."

It is hardly rocket science.

Maisie0 · 08/05/2014 21:59

If you have an advert, and it states that you are looking for a guy, it is, or I thought that it was understood that you wanted a heterosexual man. It's funny, how some people are like chancers and want to turn things around and then blame you after they cheated you on this fundamental aspect of dating. Lying about your own sexuality. That is crazy. It is a very manipulative thing to do. To date, I myself have had like 4 bisexuals contacting me on online dating? The first time, I blamed myself,and it really hit a cord in me. Then the subsequent ones were very bad, cos one girl was very manipulative, and then the other guy was clingy. They did not even respect my non-responses, or my kind rejection. That is so bad.

belagh · 08/05/2014 22:05

I am married to a bisexual man. I could have written the op but he told me 3 years in. I have been with him 10 years. Would I do it again? No, no I wouldn't.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 08/05/2014 22:08

Bisexuality isn't 'being unsure' or 'uncertain' Maisie, it's having a sexual/romantic attraction to two sexes. It's not being inexperienced either.

And if you're a woman looking for a man on a dating site, then men who like women are going to reply - that will be heterosexual and bisexual men, as they are men who like women. Gay men will more than likely not bother Hmm

alphabook · 08/05/2014 22:17

Totally agree with Sigyn and WestEast. Bisexuality does not mean you are promiscuous, or that you are unsure about your sexuality. It simply means you are attracted to two different kinds of people. I can understand his fear of telling you the truth and I wouldn't write him off because of it, I can imagine he's likely to have experienced rejection because of it before and he made a stupid mistake because he was scared.

I have dated both straight men and bisexual men and I couldn't care less who they've slept with in the past, as long as they are committed and faithful to me. My husband and I are both bisexual, and we have no interest in being with anyone other than each other, regardless of gender.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 22:25

I think, Maisie it might be best all round if you were very clear about not wanting a response from bisexuals on this dating site you use.

Hmm
turgiday · 08/05/2014 22:30

I don't have an issue with a man being bisexual.

But women have a right to decide who they want a relationship with. So yes he should have been honest about this, and he should not have lied.