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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He told me he is bisexual

266 replies

onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:23

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

OP posts:
BeetlebumShesAGun · 09/05/2014 16:17

Maisie I haven't seen any bisexual ladies bullying the poor OP into changing her mind. The majority have said they can see her point of view - that she doesn't want to continue the relationship due to the lying. What the bisexual (and some heterosexual) people have had a problem with is the ignorance and predjudice shown towards bisexual people.

Of course that doesn't fit in with your view of bisexual people as sexually predatory, promiscuous manipulators.

OP I'm sorry you had to end it but that is your choice and I understand your reasons. Glad to see you have admitted the thread has challenged your thinking.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 16:17

Indeed - we're agreed on that one Thanks

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 16:30

Ivehearditallnow Sorry, maybe I should have responded directly and quoted the specific post which you wrote. As you seemed confused. It was I who wrote about the hetero-phobia concept, and I was addressing your sandpit post.

Anyhow, yes, I agree that this thread is not about me. Nor it is about other ladies who happened to be bisexual also too. I got flamed, so I returned the flame. It is wrong to be accused of something when your intent was not that. I find that rude. I wrote about a personal situation, and not a generalisation, but it was misread as an actual generalisation, and I am sure that I will be getting a label soon, and then I have to fear more when I go out dating and dash out all these "get out clauses" like the OP have to.

Nobody should have to do that at all.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 16:42

Don't understand what flame means - soz.

The sandpit ref was to the general squabbling x

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 16:55

BeetlebumShesAGun

I like to address something cos you seem to be putting words into my mouth here.

Yes, I do see others as bullying the OP because they are bringing other kind of comments here which is absolutely not relevant in any way at all to her own situation. They are telling her different reasons as to what bisexuality is about. If you read what the OP asked, she ignored all the rest, and actually defended herself on that she did indeed state the fact that she wrote about the orientation thing even in her profile. She wrote that he "denied" it when mentioned in conversation. How can someone lie to your face like that ?

I classify that as bullying. Even if you seem to think that is not the case. That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. Reversing my words and making assumption of my intent, I find that rude. Because it does not seem that you can see it from where I am sitting.

On the other note about generalisation and so forth. When others wrote with emotive words to describe their own situation, it was not a generalisation at all. Why do you seem to think that this is so ? They clearly stood up and wrote in a very direct and person way with emotions "this happened to me, and I did not like it". Why is this suddenly misconstrued by others as actually a generalisation on ALL bisexuals ? Are they not entitled to their own feelings and hurt because it has happened to them ? I do not see that kind of situation actually means that they will be harmful to bisexuals, or to hate them at all. That is the issue here isn't it ? Cos if this is also not a case of manipulating what other people are saying, then I do not know what is.

Of course that doesn't fit in with your view of bisexual people as sexually predatory, promiscuous manipulators.

Please do not put words into my mouth. Thank you. I find those 4 bisexual 20-something very sexually predatory in many respect. Yes. I did not have to explain my reasoning and my feelings on this thread at all. But I did. It was done so to explain why I felt the way I did. But instead of getting sympathy, it is so nice to be berated even though I was actually harassed and was as upset as the OP did during those dating times. I actually went into a bit of a down turn for a few days, and actually cried about it.

If you must know what happened. Then I had to talk to some close friends to ground me back up, and I asked what I should do. They told me to ignore it. Then an ex told me to be kind and write a kind message back. But this enticed this young lad to be seeing it as an encouraging thing to do. I actually was scared that he took this as a "come on" sign. So in the end, I was even more rude and harsh and wrote something very blunt to let him know of my seriousness. He did not respect me at that point.

The previous point I made about moral radar is just that. It is one's own moral radar, and not theirs. The fact that I had to be rude to this person, when I actually did not wanted to and did not mean to, put me in a put place for a few days. Even though this person did not know so. I blamed myself for actually not writing my own profile in a way that is understood. I had to go to friends to ground myself and remind myself the kind of person that I am. From that, it is quite odd to see others then misconstruing me saying that this is a wrongful moral radar on the side of the bisexual themselves.

If someone respected you, then they would have done so and do not continue to be pushy.

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 16:57

=bad place (typo)

belagh · 09/05/2014 17:03

There is a sliding scale of bisexuality between heterosexual and gay which can have an affect on the individual and their partner.

Not being honest with someone is a serious issue. .. it takes away someone choice which when it is a relationship is a serious issue, they are portraying themselves as something they are not (one off may be not... everyone can experiment and decide for themselves what rocks their boats but getting into a serious relationship with a woman but not knowing if they can deny their urge to have m m sexual relations).

It has been an issue at times during my marriage that I wasn't male. I know women who are married to bisexual men or men who couldn't cope with their sexual orientation. The fall out from them having strong urges - sometimes acted on sometimes not is devastating.

Also, I don't know if it is still the case but men who slept with men were not allowed to give blood and women who slept with a man who slept with men couldn't give blood for a year.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 17:07

Yep - we've had the links about who can and can't give blood.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 17:10

Maisie really finding it hard to understand what on earth you're talking about. All this crap about 'moral radars'? So does your moral radar go off when a bisexual person comes along? Are they 'immoral' to you or what?

Inacceptance of me as a person who declares that I am heterosexual and that I prefer men
Confused who's said they don't accept you for preferring men? I prefer men. I'm accepted. You don't just want a man though, you want a strictly heterosexual man. And that makes people question why, why does it offend you that they've had past relationships with other men?

And I don't know why you constantly have to try and portray yourself as a victim, it's so bloody tiresome having a debate with someone who feels victimised for no apparent reason.

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 17:17

Tequila My moral radar is not to hurt somebody. So I did not know how to handle these people who kept on and on. Why are they putting me in that position at all ? I thought I can be understood. It took me a while to figure that it is not me but it is them, despite that I stood my ground. It actually is very hard for me, because I come from a certain background, and I should respect and protect those younger than I. so for them to see me as an equal and as my peers, that is turning my world upsidedown. A lot ! If I told my mother that I had to handle such things, she would actually be horrified also.

By the way I am Chinese. I am also a bit of a follower of Confucianism/Taoism. After these incidences, I went back and just wrote plainly "Chinese". I do not think that they understood what Taoism meant either.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 17:32

Variety is the spice of life in my book.
But please, no short arses Grin

Tequila glad it's not just me who's confused! x

CorusKate · 09/05/2014 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 17:35

How can you turn someone down without hurting their feelings? Especially if they are insistent ???

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 17:40

Coruskate I am surprised that you are baffled, cos you baffled me with your ongoing about me being against bisexuals and I am building this big campaign against people who are ! That is also hurtful to me. I shared something private, openly, I didn't expect others to then string me up like that.

I wrote Taoism already and I expected them to know. But then they did not read it. So why can't I then narrow it down further so that they do not knock on the wrong door so to speak ? How else can you turn people away who are actually quite forthright and is pushy towards you ? I do not want to be one of these people who are blunt, and write all these like mega lists just because a few people did not take the hint. It did bother me. I think it was maybe their age, and I was not sure if I would hurt their feelings further or their dating experience. I had to go away and reflect on this a lot after my initial crying.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 17:42

Oh christ on a bike this is just getting strange now.

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/05/2014 17:51
Confused
Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 17:59

Tequila : who's said they don't accept you for preferring men? I prefer men. I'm accepted. You don't just want a man though, you want a strictly heterosexual man. And that makes people question why, why does it offend you that they've had past relationships with other men?

What do you mean ? I just want a man, who likes women ! That's it. No complication. What do you mean I do not want a man ? How do you know what I want when I have not even told you personally ??

CorusKate · 09/05/2014 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 09/05/2014 18:05

Maisie Maybe you should think about starting your own thread as your issues have little to do with the original OP and aren't going to get addressed properly on here.

Bisexual men like women. They just happen to like men too. Still like women though as otherwise they wouldn't be bisexual, they'd just be gay. HTH Smile

This thread is like a bruise you know you shouldn't touch, but you just can't help but poke even though it hurts like fuck. I should stop reading it but I just can't help myself.

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 18:16

Mrs I do not know what issue you think that I want to address. I was just kind of defending myself here because they accused me of an awful lot of things overall, and misconstrued a lot of things that I wrote. Without an actual understanding of the reasons behind what I wrote. They jumped in with both feet.

To be honest, I do not know what the modern day term of "bisexual" means. I thought I can be understood of what I would want from a partner. A man who likes women. There are a lot of terms these days asexual, bisexual, and so forth. Why should I need to be expected to know all of these kind of things ? A lot of ladies here did not even know what Taoism is ! So why should they also place high expectation for me to actually not find a partner who just likes women, without confusing me and misleading me down the garden path and into a "debate" as they so call it ?

If a woman likes a man, she likes a man. That is it. If a man likes a woman, then he likes a woman, that is it. There shouldn't be lies and confusions overall. If you know what you like, you should not "fear" anybody at all. I fear people label me than I fear the people who likes me. I shouldn't walk around not being accepted as a person with feelings or preferences.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 18:16

maisie you're missing the point spectacularly. You don't just want a man otherwise you'd be happy with a bi-sexual one. You want a man that only likes women therefore you want a heterosexual man. I didn't say you didn't want a man FFS.

bumblejee · 09/05/2014 18:17

What I can't understand from this thread is why a hetrosexual woman who wishes to be with a hetrosexual man (who hasn't slept with other men), why this is seen as homophobic, why can't this just be down to an individual's preference?

CorusKate · 09/05/2014 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 09/05/2014 18:21

I don't think anyone is saying she is homophobic, intolerant maybe, but some of the attitudes coming across from other posts definitely are.

Maisie0 · 09/05/2014 18:22

tequila I do not know what you think I am missing, but I find it rude that you are telling me what "you" think I want. I know what I want. I do not know or to care, or need to know what every single person label themselves to be and IS as a person. It is not my job to know. When you date someone, that is when you know and get to know one another, and there should be no lies. It should not be that hard to date. I do not know why there are so many perpetuation of myths, or intents, or misconstrued intents, or deliberate misunderstanding even in the dating arena. It truly should not be that hard. It really should not.

Just like Coruskate here. She doesn't know what Taoism is. Otherwise she would not be confused. But what it also tells me is that, I would not push or be pushy and tell her and make her learn what Taoism is. I presume that if she wishes to know, then she would ask. Like an adult !