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Original poster

He told me he is bisexual

266 replies

onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:23

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

OP posts:
Sigyn · 09/05/2014 09:26

Gay people, including lesbians, can be enormously intolerant of bisexuals as well. TBH its a real problem because bis are often included in with gay people but actually, their experience is very, very different in many ways.

gamerchick · 09/05/2014 09:30

There is bugger all wrong in having a sexual preference.. its nobody else's business who another person shags aside from when they're shagging each other. A man who has slept with another man is a turn off for me.. what other people do is up to them.

Funnily enough I don't care what other people do in the sack and I'll be damned if I'm going to be told who I should be sleeping with because people want to battle for the cup at being open minded.

Sigyn · 09/05/2014 09:30

To make this as clear as I can.

The problem I, and possibly other posters, are having with someone saying "I would never date a bi person" is that its an enormously sweeping statement.

There is no reason to say this unless you also believe other things about someone being bi, eg that they are likely to cheat on you, be unsatisfied with you, etc. These things are really erroneous. Jerks cheat and they are fairly evenly distributed across the sexualities.

You are basically saying that someone's sexual identity is the single most important thing about them. Not whether they are kind, or have a wicked sense of humour and can make you laugh like no one else. Not whether they are awesome in bed. But who they have shagged in the past, and whether, among the people they find attractive, men are included.

hookedonchoc · 09/05/2014 09:30

itsbetterthanabox: Can anyone explain exactly why they wouldn't date a bi man? Very interested.

Me too, please explain.

AwakeCantSleep · 09/05/2014 09:35

Not wanting to sleep with bisexuals is a choice not a sexuality.

I disagree. I am straight, and I don't want to sleep with bisexual men. Gay sex is a turn-off for me. That of course doesn't mean I disapprove of gay or lesbian sex (I most definitely don't) but it just doesn't work for my own sexuality. I wouldn't want to be intimate with a man if I knew that he enjoys gay sex. That doesn't make me a homophobic.

One thing that plays into this I think is that many (some?) men are turned on/intrigued by lesbian sex, whereas maybe woman aren't so intrigued by gay sex. This is just a guess of course.

Sigyn · 09/05/2014 09:45

I've been in relationships/pre-relationships ;-) with straight, bi and gay people. I've discovered that I don't really find blondes a turn on. I've actually never had a blonde partner (and I have had more than several partners).

My personal experience of relationships with blondes is that they don't last.

If someone started a (serious) thread, OMG it turns out he's not really a brunette! He's been dyeing his hair all this time!

-Would I chime in with "I'd never date a blonde. I don't find them attractive. That's my choice. Stop being brunette-phobic".

-Would I add that, in my experience, blondes are less faithful (and this actually is my experience, though my sample size is 2) ?

-Would I start with the Its political correctness gone mad!

No. No I wouldn't.

Original poster
onbehalfof · 09/05/2014 09:46

It is a turn off to me in the way gamer describes.

I don't think I could have sex with him again, knowing he has done this stuff with men.

I think I do have prejudices. I must have.
I have a close bisexual female friend and do not feel yuck about her in the way I feel yuck about msm.

Possibly it is something to do with procreation?
Possibly I'm a bigot talking out of my arse.
This thread has certainly challenged my thinking system.

I don't want to date a bisexual man.

OP posts:
emmanurse · 09/05/2014 10:03

Well at least you've realised you're a bigot eh.
So if it's to do with procreation I do hope you get all these icky feelings when you female bi mate is seeing a lass, or when people use conforms or chose not to have sex in a female fertile window?
Cos that's clearly bollocks as well.

hookedonchoc · 09/05/2014 10:08

Glad you're thinking, OP. Thanks

Awake: I disagree. I am straight, and I don't want to sleep with bisexual men. Gay sex is a turn-off for me. That of course doesn't mean I disapprove of gay or lesbian sex (I most definitely don't) but it just doesn't work for my own sexuality. I wouldn't want to be intimate with a man if I knew that he enjoys gay sex. That doesn't make me a homophobic.

I am not saying you are homophobic. I am merely saying that there is no specific anti-gay/bi sexual orientation, just as there is no anti-idiot, anti-catholic or anti-blond orientation. If you have this specific preference, it is you who needs to bring it up, not all bisexuals who must declare themselves. Many heterosexuals do enjoy sex with bisexuals.

gamerchick · 09/05/2014 10:32

Yes many do.. but its not compulsory.

no, there is no unless...... I personally would find it a turn off if a bloke i was seeing had enjoyed himself in bed with another man. I'm allowed to think like that and have no intention of changing it. I am not other people.. other people can do what they want.

wannaBe · 09/05/2014 10:32

I don't like the sound of him. So he interrogates you in terms of your previous sexual history because he says you are being open and honest and then he decides to omit a fundamental side of his own sexuality and history in the process? What else has he not told you?

As for people choosing to be in heterosexual relationships being branded bigots on this thread, no-one has said that bisexuals should be with bisexuals. But everyone has their own sexuality, it is not something which is exclusive to those who are gay or lesbian or bisexual. If you are bisexual and are attracted to both men or women then of course you are not going to get why it matters to some that their partner is only attracted to either men or women (depending on your orientation).

Fact of the matter is, it matters to some. That is not bigoted or homophobic nor does it have anything to do with this perception over morals or promiscuity or a belief that you haven't made your mind up yet.

But in the same way as it is a gay man's right to sleep with only gay men, or a Lesbian woman's right to sleep with only lesbian women, or a bisexual man or woman's right to sleep with either bisexual or straight men and women, so it is a heterosexual's right to sleep with only heterosexuals.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 10:33

OP - when you were discussing 'deal breakers' in your early intimate talks with this guy when you were first dating, did you say that bisexuality would be a deal breaker for you?

If you did say that it would be a deal breaker then (as much as some of us may not understand or agree) - I suppose then he perhaps should have seen that as his opportunity to end things. He wouldn't need to disclose his bisexuality in my opinion as he may not have been ready and finding out if was a dealbreaker etc for you would have been hard for him to hear as well. But if he'd fallen in love with you, I can understand how he'd not want to lose you by telling you...

If you didnt say it was a deal breaker - then I guess, he just didn't know! Like other people have said - perhaps he is attracted to (some) men but hasn't necessarily done anything sexual with a man. And therefore didn't necessarily lie to you.

It's a tricky one but I'm sure there's two of you hurting here - and not just you. I'm assuming things need to end if you feel so strongly about his sexuality - it's probably best for both of you.

But like another poster pointed out, it is ten months (at least it wasn't ten years, eh?).

I hope you both find someone suitable xxx

turgiday · 09/05/2014 10:39

I think not wanting to be with a bisexual man does come from prejudice.

I also think women should be able to choose who they get involved with and have sex with, and that important knowledge should be disclosed.

kentishgirl · 09/05/2014 10:44

I don't quite understand why people have this aversion to having sex with someone who may at some time also have had sex with someone of the same sex. My first reaction is that you must be bigoted/homophobic - but I'm listening and trying to understand.

I can't see how you can think it's ok to be gay, and that there's nothing wrong with homosexual sex and attractions, yet find it such a disgusting idea that you couldn't be with someone who has that attraction as well as to your own sex. Kind of double-think?

I have no particular interest in this. I'm heterosexual. As far as I'm aware all my partners have been too. But it wouldn't have bothered me if any of them we bisexual.

I think this strikes a nerve with me as I have had realationships with men of another race and I've had a similar reaction. Some people don't 'fancy' people of a different colour. Fair enough. But there are men who, knowing that I've 'been with black men' then wouldn't touch me with a barge pole, as their attitude is that it has somehow polluted or dirtied me. How is that different to rejecting a man who has been with men in the past. You don't personally have to become gay any more than I expect white men to all be open to mixed race relationships personally. But I'm not a different person, or 'polluted' by having had sex with black men. I'm still happy to be in a relationship with white men. Bisexual men are not 'polluted' by having had sex with another man. They are still happy to have a relationship with women.

How is it any different to that? Do those who reject bisexuals also agree with rejecting people who had different ideas to them about what colour person they fancy?

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 10:47

I know what you mean Kentish and tend to agree, but OP feels like she's been lied to - if you take the bisexuality thing out of the equation... I think we all know how much that hurts x

kentishgirl · 09/05/2014 10:54

Oh sure, can't disagree on the lying issue, that would be it for me too. I had someone lie to me by omission then confess 9 months into a relationship and that was that.

But the anti-bi attitude seems nothing but prejudice to me and tied into deeply held -even so deeply the person isn't consciously aware of them - beliefs that homosexuality is wrong. Which if that's someone's opinion, I may not agree with them, but fair enough. At least they are being consistent. But I don't see how you can say you aren't homophobic. Any more than someone who wouldn't touch me with a bargepole because of previous partners can't say they aren't racist.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 11:00
Biscuit
turgiday · 09/05/2014 11:03

I agree kentish. Lots of people IME say they are not homophobic, have gay friends, etc. But if their child was gay, they would be upset. This seems the same to me.

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/05/2014 11:04

"I don't want to date a bisexual man." Fair enough, you know your own boundaries. M on M sex does not turn you on, and you dont want it as part of your sexual life. That is fine. It does not actually make you homophobic, it is just not part of your sexual make up, iyswim.

I would not mind personally. But I would mind the lying. That would for me be a reason to dump.

gamerchick · 09/05/2014 11:10

Actually I can answer that one.. My son knows full well I wouldn't care if he was gay.. or my words were i would be over the moon when he asked me one day. I wouldn't even care if he was bisexual as long as he was happy.

It doesn't mean I would want a partner FOR ME who is attracted to men.. so I can't see the one size fits all name calling/labeling because somebody has a sexual preference.

MeltedLolly · 09/05/2014 11:12

I can see why various previous partner “types” could be off-putting to people when considering them as possible relationship material, and I don’t see why it would make them anti-that particular group.

Say you have a 35 yr old (hetero) woman dating a 40 yr old (hetero) man

She finds out, or he admits to

previous girlfriends all being in the 18-21 yr old age group
previous girlfriends all being in the 55-65 yr old age group
previous relationships all being with prostitutes

I have no issue with 19 yr olds, 63 yr olds, or prostitutes, but would I want a partner that found those “types” his types? No, probably not.

I don’t see much difference with the above 3 scenarios and the not wanting a partner who is/was bi.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 11:22

Prostitutes?

Random...

This thread is fascinating! Smile

emmanurse · 09/05/2014 11:22

People choose to dare people who are much older/younger than they are, they choose to pay for sex but people do not chose to be bisexual.

emmanurse · 09/05/2014 11:23

*date

Original poster
onbehalfof · 09/05/2014 11:23

I have text messaged him saying something like 'trust has gone and I don't want to see you anymore'

He replied that he won't hassle me then and he is sorry.

Sigh.

OP posts: