He told me he is bisexual

[onbehalfof]

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

No. Heterosexuals wanting relationships exclusively with heterosexuals is not the same as gay men wanting relationships with men. It is the same as gay men saying they wouldn't sleep with a bisexual man, or a lesbian woman saying she won't sleep with a bisexual woman. And that happens. It sort of suggests we should "keep to our own". What if someone doesn't identify as bisexual but has had a sexual experiences with the same sex? Or does identify as bisexual but has never had any sexual experience with the same sex? Is that different, then?

You're entitled not to want to be with him because he lied. Well, you're entitled to break up for any reason you want. Do it, you aren't compatible, regardless.

This thread puts me off ever disclosing to someone I'm bisexual. I would really hope someone loved me for me, not for people I find attractive (how bizarre) or have had sex with (also bizarre, unless we are talking sex workers). Then again, if they ran a mile when they found out some of the same women they found attractive, I did too (shock horror), I would probably be doing myself a favour by unearthing their narrow mindedness early on.

Going to (try) and sleep now.
Thoughts spinning around like a washing machine.

Thank you people for all your time and contributions.

^I have stated my orientation as heterosexual, I am not asking someone to bring something to the table that I am not bringing myself.
There was some kind of tick box menu where you can state your orientation iirc^

Being heterosexual is seen as the norm so you 1. wouldn't have had to state that and 2. have nothing to lose by telling people you're hetero.

I think it's naive to even think you can compare telling people you're hetero with telling people you're bi. The latter has a stigma surrounding it, people can get quite nasty, people are homophobic. And you probably wouldnt have even bothered going on a date with him. No wonder he doesn't tell people.

I really don't understand why it changes things. He still fancies you. He still wants a relationship with YOU.

This thread puts me off ever disclosing to someone I'm bisexual. I would really hope someone loved me for me, not for people I find attractive

I'd feel the same.

OP - he took away your right to choose to be in a relationship with him or not. He has shown he is okay by lying, and continuing to lie to you for 10 months.

I would reply to him "You've lied to me for 10 months. I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to lie at all, let alone for that long."

It's one thing for him to lie for a couple of weeks if you're dating, maybe a month while he decided whether you were someone he wanted to spend more time with, but not once exclusive and not for so long.

I'd bin.

TequilaMockingbirdy - I think it's naive to even think you can compare telling people you're hetero with telling people you're bi. The latter has a stigma surrounding it, people can get quite nasty, people are homophobic.

People are being awfully heterophobic all through this thread. People saying they prefer not to date someone bisexual are being judged and their comments picked apart.

It's disgusting that I've had to type and re-type what I want to say (and name change) to avoid being called homophobic. It's an opinion and one I'm entitled to have. It's one thing to hate gay people and another to prefer not to date them. No-one has said anything rude about homosexuals (words of hate), just a lot of sensitive people jumping to conclusions.

I'm straight. I only date/marry/have sex with straight men (well one man specifically). I'm not interested in a man that has homosexual tendencies. It's just how it is and there is no hate in my heart when I say that. It doesn't make me narrow-minded, but it does make those that judge me for that choice, narrow minded.

What relevance has that to my comment pray tell? I was expressing how telling someone you're Hetero isn't the same as telling someone you're bi as people can be homophobic. I didn't say anyone here has been homophobic.

Imagine this scenario:

You get with a man, he's lovely, everything you've wanted in a man. Things are going really well and have been for a good few months. You're happy. Then you find out he's bi. Would you seriously end it?

If yes, I think that's strange. And I think the thought of them sleeping with the same sex in the past must really repulse you if you're willing to give up a potential life of happiness with a nice man.

Yeah stick with your own kind and all that corus horrible.

DP thought I was bi when we first got together. Thank fuck he didn't show the same prejudice otherwise we wouldn't be happy these years on!

Meant *horrible isn't it

I have dated men who find it a bit that I have dated black men. Are they racist? Hint: yes. Is it their 'sexuality' to only date white women who have only slept with white men? See how stupid that sounds? That someone's sexuality is defined by the people their lover has slept with.

I'm wondering what category I'm in. Snogged a couple of girls but didn't float my boat. Do I have to disclose because I would be hiding something not to say it?

It wouldn't bother me if he was bi, but the lies would.

Unless this disclosure was indeed meant to prep the way to cheating. Because I don't think bisexual people are any more likely to cheat, but liars are, IMO.
Still interested on how and why it was asked and how and why he came up with this revelation. Did he ask you first if you had slept with other women?

This threads funny who would have thought that one day we would have give up our sexual preferences and let society dictate or you'll be labelled.

I choose who I have in my bed.. as is my right.

Before we slept together, we had many honest (I thought) conversations.

We talked about sex, previous partners, deal breakers, turn ons/off's, we spoke about if I had slept with women, group sex, drugs, politics, step families, ex's, domestic violence, FGM, feminism, alcoholism, our hopes and fears and many other things.

We had fallen in love by the time we had sex, and I believed were totally honest and committed.

Now I don't know what to believe.
I have been crying my eyes out for the loss of the relationship I thought we were in.

I am furious about the dishonesty and wonder what else he is keeping from me.
I have done my share of seedy shit, he knows about this, he drew it all out of me on one of his 'let's be honest, let's be free' speeches.

That would be a red flag for me. If he wanted to get all the details from you, but he ended up not giving off his and lied about it.

You are disappointed, but it's only 10 months. Perfect time to let go.

I have never interrogated, or felt the need to interrogate a partner about their sexuality. If somebody asked me if I'd ever been with a woman, I'd feel defensive and sense that they had a problem with it. This would probably lead me to close up and deny it for fear of rejection.

The bigotry and prejudices on this thread are quite staggering. It seems that "bisexuals" are not valid people. "Bisexuals" or as one poster helpfully put it "gays" are not devoid of morality, they are people who have probably had a hell of a hard time coming to terms with the fact that their sexuality is not one size fits all.

My partner might be tempted to sleep with other women. But I wouldn't discard him for that, would I?

We're people. Not genders. Not sexualities.

All this sexual chat was at his insistence filly, if anything I felt he interrogated me. Sorry that doesn't fit with your opinion.

I have done my share of seedy shit

Being bi isn't seedy. This thread isn't funny, it's shocking. I never realised how much ignorance there is around being bi, I guess I'm lucky I have never encountered it. Even my MIL has never questioned it to my face anyway

Also "heterophobic" is bollocks. The same kind of people use "reverse racism" when complaining that the Muslims/blacks are taking over. Ridiculous.

No one is saying the OP should continue the relationship if she is uncomfortable - I think he should not have lied and 10 months down the line is too long. But the general attitude towards bisexuals "I wouldn't sleep with one/date one in case they went off with someone of the same sex" is ignorant.

I can see why you're pissed off if you revealed yourself totally to him and he still kept a big part of himself hidden. I'm not going to defend this guy, I don't know him he may be a total jerk. I would encourage you, OP, to learn about bisexuality and educate yourself a little, now that you have come up against this. Ignorance just breeds intolerance imo, and there has been plenty of both on this thread.

To answer some of the false statements made upthread:

Gay men do not only want to sleep with gay men. They may fancy any man, depending on their taste. Of course they will only sleep with gay or bi men because those are the ones who want to sleep with them.

Heterosexuals do not only fancy other heterosexuals. They may fancy any person of the opposite gender to themselves. That is their sexuality.

If you are heterosexual, it doesn't mean you don't want to sleep with bisexuals. Not wanting to sleep with bisexuals is a choice not a sexuality. If you have this particular choice (or prejudice as it could fairly be called) it is up to you to make it known.

No one should be forced to declare their sexuality. It may be a good idea to do so, if it is not the norm, but many non-heterosexuals are closeted. There are good reasons for this. Prejudice is rife and can ruin lives.

What is wrong with not wanting to date an bisexual man? I have an lesbian friend and she would never get in an relationship with a bisexual woman, why? because majority of them end up with men and she doesn't want to get hurt!

Op the more I read, the more I think you should end it. Red flags are appearing and I think you should listen.

Can anyone explain exactly why they wouldn't date a bi man? Very interested.

Rebecca gay people can also misunderstand bisexuality. Like your friend has.