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Original poster

He told me he is bisexual

266 replies

onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 19:23

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 08/05/2014 22:30

Why wouldn't you belagh?

Maisie0 · 08/05/2014 22:49

Sigyn I do not see why I need to do that to be honest. I am within my right in the dating arena not to be harassed. Or to be co-erced. What I fear is that they would manipulate my emotions, and actually try to brainwash me cos sometimes I know I myself is quite emotive. I have indeed had some very odd messages, and I would and did find it repulsive, even though I declined it in kind. "Fear" is not love. I'm sorry, they should know how to read signals.

Dirtybadger · 08/05/2014 22:52

Because they're bisexual they're going to trick you into fucking them with their voodoo? No, if they're not getting the message it's cus they're pushy idiots, nothing to do with their sexuality. Zero. Zilch.

hookedonchoc · 08/05/2014 23:07

*onbehalfof: I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there. *

I think you answered your own question there, OP. Basically, you are saying if you'd known he was bi you wouldn't have got involved with him.

Yes, it would have saved both of you a lot of time and effort if he had been honest. Tbh it sounds as if you caught him off guard with the direct question and he just wasn't ready to come out at that point.

Coming out is hard. If you wonder what's so hard about it take a good look at this thread and imagine you're bi. Presumably now he's plucked up the courage to come out to you you're going to do just what he feared from the start and recoil in horror.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 23:16

and...by "they" Maisie you mean ...what? "bisexuals"?

Yes, I think you really do need to make it very, very clear, No Bisexuals.

Hmm

Please be very well assured that even though I am bisexual and therefore according to this thread sexually predatory, promiscuous and also possibly criminally inclined, I have zero desire to fuck with your voodoo. Sleep safe tonight.

Oldraver · 08/05/2014 23:29

The being bi-sexual wouldn't bother me, for some it would and thats ok

The lying especially after big 'lets be honest' speeches would make me ditch him

Original poster
onbehalfof · 08/05/2014 23:44

Rather than I state 'no bisexuals', I feel it is up to him to state that he is bisexual.

I stated that I was heterosexual.

I don't understand about bisexuality, that's why I posted.
I don't know if it means he has to sleep with both men and women to be fulfilled or what??

It's not something I have investigated as it is something that I thought is not in my interest and none of my business.

OP posts:
WestEast · 08/05/2014 23:53

OP please see www.bisexualindex.org.uk/index.php/Bisexuality

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 08/05/2014 23:54

He doesn't have to sleep with anyone - he just happens to be attracted to both. He's not a slave to his libido. Why does it matter who someone has slept with in the past? Do people really go into detail about their previous relationships at the beginning of a new one? Maybe if they had kids or something, but who they've slept with, why is that anyones business?

Dirtybadger · 08/05/2014 23:57

Onbehalfof, it means he finds men and women sexually attractive. He doesn't necessarily find them equally attractive or want a relationship with both. Some do some don't. You would have to ask him. I'm bisexual. If I am in a monogamous relationship it is just that. I don't need sex with anyone. Ever. Least of all whilst committed to someone. It just means when I look at some women I have the same thoughts/feelings that you might have about a handsome man. On not going to jump him. Or cheat on a partner.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2014 00:04

I often wonder on these sorts of threads, what people really understand by gender, sex and sexuality. Do people really think that because someone finds men and women attractive, they HAVE to sleep with both concurrently? Twunts cheat, not bisexual people, unless they do but then they are twunts.

On a happier note I have zero desire to fuck with your voodoo is my new mantra.

rinabean · 09/05/2014 00:04

I don't find it shocking that some straight people don't want to date bisexuals, homophobia is not shocking to me, only disgusting.

But I don't understand why a homophobe would wonder why someone pretended to be straight.

"Rather than I state 'no bisexuals', I feel it is up to him to state that he is bisexual."

Like pink triangles?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2014 00:07

"Rather than I state 'no bisexuals', I feel it is up to him to state that he is bisexual."

Does that cut both ways? If I don't want to date homophobes, do I state that or expect them to 'come out' as a homophobe?

WestEast · 09/05/2014 00:11

People and their homophobia can fuck off. I have zero desire to state that in a more elegant way.
I'll shag people I want to, who want to do me, despite what they have between their legs, or had there or are having made there.
I have relationships with people, not some random genitals.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 09/05/2014 00:17

It just means the person they fall in love with could be a man or a woman, no more, no less. There's no 'have to'. And when they're in love, they're in love, and it's the same as you being in love. It's just that the gender of the person they happened to fall in love with is unimportant. In all other respects the relationship is identical, just someone in love with someone else.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 00:19

I don't see the problem really, he's with you so it hardly matters. And I don't think people should have to declare they swing both ways either - why should they Confused

itsbetterthanabox · 09/05/2014 00:20

He only lied because of homophobia. Which you are now exhibiting! Coming out isn't easy. I think you need to give him a break. Why does it make a difference if he is bisexual? If he's with you and only wants you then what does it matter?

itsbetterthanabox · 09/05/2014 00:27

Being bisexual means being attracted to both sexes. That's whether you act on it or not. Many people may be bisexual but never actually be with someone of the same sex.
I am bisexual. I have been with one women and now just my male partner for the past 8 years. I love him and we are monogamous. I don't want anyone else be that man or woman. However I am still bisexual because that is my attractions.
Lots of people don't talk to their current partners about their sexual past. It's no different if they are bi. My partner knows I'm bi but it's my business who I tell!

wannaBe · 09/05/2014 00:37

it is not homophobic to not want to sleep with someone who has a preference for sleeping with men as well as women. Just as gay men only want to sleep with gay men, gay women only want to sleep with women, so heterosexuals should b allowed to want to sleep with other heterosexuals.

It has nothing to do with promiscuity or the thought of infidelity or the thought that he might fancy a man one day. It has to do with the fact that as a heterosexual woman who is attracted to heterosexual men, I am not attracted to someone who is also attracted to men, in the same way that gay men are not attracted to women. That is as much my sexuality as bisexuality is someone else's.

What people do within their own consenting relationships is their business, but anyone is entitled to their own sexuality, and that includes heterosexuals.

WestEast · 09/05/2014 00:43

Not wanting to sleep with people who sleep with members of the same sex may not be homophobic, it's a grey area in my eyes, however the comment of "Rather than I state 'no bisexuals', I feel it is up to him to state that he is bisexual." Is homophobic.
Why should this person have to proffer this information? Should I introduce myself as 'WestEast, bisexual?' Or how about some of the more important aspects of my life, like being a SM to a lovely little girl, being a nurse, the fact I dye my hair to hide my greys?
And of course everyone has the right to their own sexuality, but it's worth bearing in mind it's a lot pissing easier for heterosexuals.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 00:49

I hate how people say it's a 'preference'. That suggests it's a choice.

As long as that person is attracted to you, is in a relationship with you, and is faithful to you, I honestly don't see the issue with them fancying men as well as women. It doesn't affect the relationship one jot.

It's not something I'd disclose right away if I was bisexual. In fact I'd probably never disclose it because I don't think there'd be much point. Previous sexual partners have no bearing on current relationships (or shouldn't do)

Original poster
onbehalfof · 09/05/2014 01:18

I have stated my orientation as heterosexual, I am not asking someone to bring something to the table that I am not bringing myself.
There was some kind of tick box menu where you can state your orientation iirc.

I feel like he has tricked me into having a relationship, pretending to be a heterosexual male to make himself attractive to me / more women.
He also lied about his age, but told me that on the first date.
Fucker.

OP posts:
Faez · 09/05/2014 01:23

wannaBe has said exactly what I wanted to. That is my sexuality and I am entitled to it without being called a homophobe.

Faez · 09/05/2014 01:24

Sorry not much advice for the OP though..

sykadelic · 09/05/2014 01:25

balia Thu 08-May-14 21:05:06

Wow. Just wow. Did you mean to equate bisexuality with criminal behaviour, or was that just a remarkably insensitive comment?

I'm going to assume you were talking to me.

No of course not. Stop jumping to conclusions.

I had originally listed something else but thought it would 'cause issues so changed it... should have realised someone would read something that wasn't there anyway!