Is it just me or is this email nasty?

[whichoneofusisnuts]

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

??!!!

I'd tell him to stick it in his wank bank and spare me the play-by-play.

From attempted headfuckery to adolescent point scoring within 24 hours - well rid, OP!

OP text him back and go

"more winky, less wanky"

PS If you were his Dream Woman and REALLY got him, you'd text him back to go 'having a wank at the thought of you in your suit'

YABU not to be doing this

Honestly, don't worry about it, MN is a bit odd atm, I blame too much chocolate/kids/holiday.

Don't worry about the bloke either, he's weird, you know this already!

:)

He's only the second person I've dated in 15 years so have lost all sense of what is or isn't normal.

I had a bit of trouble with him telling you he had to relieve himself.

Having got past that your full email was really really nice until the frigid bit.

You didn't mean anything by it but he's clearly upset.

I'd just carry on and see how things turn out.

Not trying to patronise you OP, but if you're not that experienced in dating and can deal with the hurly burly of it (and accept that some posts might be less than helpful - filter the replies a bit) it might be a good idea to use MN to reset your 'man picker' a bit?

I mean you sound fairly pragmatic and good humoured and robust, but I think constantly having liaisons with 'weird creepy types' which go on just a bit too long can wear you down emotionally?

When I was single, all those men I gave 'second chances' to or overlooked something because I didn't want to feel I was being 'too picky' were ultimately very draining and horrid experiences.

Like in the case of your man here, I don't think it was a case of a 'personality clash', he was actually 'a bad one'?

Do a search of the site for things like 'red flags' and 'choosing partner' to get more of a sense of whats normal.

There's a dating/singles thread, but I've never been on it, but that might have some good tips? You could name change and get on it at some point.

Well, if I may be objective here. It is clear that he is stuck between a committed relationship to those earlier "dating years" ghosts. Whereas yourself, you just came out from a long relationship (marriage) and old relationship habit. (Your sarcasm and teasing is apparent to your personality. And it can only really exists when you had known the partner well well.) I think you need to take a step back the other way and try to find someone who you can click with first and build up a slow committed relationship. Don't go for random intense people who won't respect you. I think that would do okay for you. I would opt for similar age, and similar outlook, and go with that instead.

There's a thread somewhere about online dating. Maybe you can read that and definitely screen screen screen. Before I found my now ex (who was the more normal person out of the lot), I also had some horror stories too. Just such random occurrences.

Yes, I agree in this case my picker was a bit off. I do read and participate on MN a lot. I think maybe my divorce is what made me a bit of a hard arse as I have been called. I don't think I was like that before.

Looking back my XH was someone I didn't like at first and he ended very happy together for a long time so I suppose I am a sucker for giving people chances because they can sometimes develop or grow on you.

In this case, I do think the man has a very childish streak and despite his good qualities that is just not going to work for me.

Thanks Maisie

I said you were a hard arse which but it was a compliment :)

"Don't go for random intense people who won't respect you. I think that would do okay for you. I would opt for similar age, and similar outlook, and go with that instead."

Good advice there. I find when you have this massive intense buildup, often you overlook small red flags? Or the guy is rushing it because he's hoping the momentum will mean you'll oversee the 'not enough winky, too much wanky' problem.

I can imagine after a time on your own, its easy to crave this big romantic rush, but in practice this often doesn't turn out well.

So you had this heady, perfect first few days - I mean he asked you to not date others, so you were basically 'exclusive', and then thought he'd 'got' you so you were in this weird, too-intense interaction and expected to tolerate his foibles.

With my chap and I (four very good years) we thought each other attractive "enough" from the off without being overwhelmed - I read somewhere there's actually a connection between the part of the brain that says FEAR and the part that says LUST - so I think the instant chemistry rush can be misleading. We just saw each other once a week, no sex, for cinema and a drink/hot chocolate, he walked me home, it was very low key?

So I'd still look to meet people but 'hold back' a bit from the off.

Oh dear OP, after reading the OP and your first few posts I though you were going to say you were a teenager or in your early twenties . Fair play to concede that the 'frigid' comment was out of order. which it was

I would try and reign in your 'sarcastic' sence of humour (your words) and too much joking about sex. especially by text It's too likely to cause problems and misunderstandings.

It all sounds incredibly immature .

I find the thing with online dating is that you gotta be careful with playing this "tag" thing. Cos you can indeed get swept off your feet quickly, and then kind of dumped quickly too. Your experience is very typical because the guy must have had a lot of rejection before and that is why he needed you to be "committed".

The online dating culture also created this very American dating culture with it as well, which I kind of dislike. People have like checkpoint in their minds and is more pushy sometimes than they need to be. I would say just go with your own gut instincts and do the normal coffee and pub thing and see whether you feel at ease with the guy first. I agree with Emu. Low key is the thing. And give yourself some or lots of Me time too.

Op = someone who'd be a good laugh, and I'd be up for a drink with

Mr. Wank = not so much

Well glad not everyone hates me!

You were nasty. He was nasty. Why not find a nice person?

He's a drama queen. You probably called him frigid because you picked up on some kind of problem he has subconsciously. But he seems to think its your job to all the running, hand holding and whatever else he needs to coax him into a relationship. If you felt fonder of him, you probably wouldn't have said it.

I think you would need a high level of caring skills for this one.

You know those men who can't get themselves up in the mornings, cook their own dinner, buy their own clothes, etc? He's one of those, at least in the making.

I'm on team OP.

Ok, with hindsight not the greatest thing you wrote to ping into his inbox, but not the worst either. Most people would come back from that without a huge drama ensuing.

Oh well, onwards and upwards which

Have you read the recent thread about being single and not being able to find any decent men? Compared with many of the dates they were discussing, he sounds like a catch . Consider your realistic options.

To be fair, he does sound frigid. Its not a word I would use, but it does seem a valid observation...

Team OP here too. You've been really gracious in accepting criticism and the fact that you posted here originally to see if it was you in the wrong says a lot about your character.

You sound like a great person, just that this man frustrated you and made you understandably offended so you lashed out. I don't blame you, he sounds like a knob. You're well shot. Good on you for making an early decision and good luck to you as well.

I think he's actually a slight nutter. He started texting me to say he knew I would want to see him sooner or later, so why not just stop fighting it. When I said I thought it was best to leave it because we were bickering too much and not "getting each other" he replied "tbh this is all a bit melodramatic for me I'd rather stay home, watch football and count the hours".

So he sort of twisted me dumping him into him dumping me. OMFG. It's like breaking up with a 5 year old.

Swannery, if this is the best I can expect I am buying a rampant Rabbit and a box set of Homeland.

He seemed very normal. Online dating. Worrying.

x post there, thanks robindeer.