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Original poster

Is it just me or is this email nasty?

223 replies

whichoneofusisnuts · 23/04/2014 02:06

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

OP posts:
Original poster
whichoneofusisnuts · 23/04/2014 03:09

We are bickering like toddlers Grin

OP posts:
2Retts · 23/04/2014 03:10

Time to acknowledge incompatibility perhaps OP?

Original poster
whichoneofusisnuts · 23/04/2014 03:10

Yep, I do think so. Glad to at least (for once) have that weeks instead of years in!

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 23/04/2014 03:11

Smart cookie. Good luck Smile

Boudica1990 · 23/04/2014 03:12

I sexted dp whom was not a online dating thing before I was physically intimate to the point of Penetration Blush for me it allowed a build up, a progression oh and a cheeky sneak peak at what he'd do before I'd actually let him do it Wink

Bit like trying a car out before you buy Grin

TheAwfulDaughter · 23/04/2014 03:13

This reply has been deleted

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lightbox · 23/04/2014 03:13

"oh wow big boy."

"ooh, you make ME so horny"

"we have an amazing sex life, don't we? i love your dirty texts. i'm so satisfied, you're the best lover i ever had"

But you 'failed', didn't you? Wink

I think you were expected to then ask him questions about it, in a flirtatious tone to 'normalise' some weird situation where he doesn't have to actually deal with any real life, in person issues he has, and is very twitchy so can never be called out on anything?

Your reaction was reminding him what was happening "back on Planet Earth" and this is what he got pissed off and defensive about.

2Retts · 23/04/2014 03:15

Well done you! I do love it when reality rules whichoneofusisnuts...and you were so quick to get there too (not being patronising, promise!).

Hey Boudica, a good night was indeed had by all...including OP

Hope your dating future is bright and far more promising/compatible than this one OP.

lightbox · 23/04/2014 03:16

Good night all Grin Good luck OP, onwards and upwards.

TheAwfulDaughter · 23/04/2014 03:18

This reply has been deleted

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MsBumble · 23/04/2014 03:18

Like others have said, it is not unlikely that he has erectile dysfunction issues. Your response is a bit harsh but understandable, because really, what is the point of witholding sex and then almost 'blaming' your partner for feeling sexually frustrated and having to relieve yourself?

I met a young guy like this once who it seemed was unable to climax unless it was through oral sex. We never even tried to having sex the normal way, although he expressed a desire to do so at some stage which never happened. When I confronted him, his response was similarly defensive but in the end I couldn't keep covering for him just to protect his ego. 5 years on, and he is still single and unhappy.

You could always apologise but based on my own experience I would advise you to move on.

2Retts · 23/04/2014 03:19

Night Lightbox and seconding your 'onwards and upwards sentiments

Jengnr · 23/04/2014 03:56

He 'can't finish' until he feels an 'emotional connection'?

Fucking bollocks, he wants you to jump through hoops until he rewards you with the 'prize' of his spunk.

Fuck. That.

fuckthisforagameofchess · 23/04/2014 04:04

He wants you to shut up like a good little girl and send him wank texts, because he can't do anything in person.

This magic mythical 'emotional connection' will be used, and brought up, and withdrawn, because he sees himself as a Princess figure, who has to be wooed and won over.

I think you're well out of it Grin

MexicanSpringtime · 23/04/2014 04:06

Odd, I'm surprised at the BF and other commentators not seeing the joke, has the meaning of frigid changed? In my young day it was only used for women, now if OP had called him impotent that really would have been offensive.

Waltermittythesequel · 23/04/2014 04:09

You don't sound terribly nice in a few of your posts but you've admitted you're a bit of a hard ass so fair enough!

But he sounds like a twat regardless so yes, I think you're well out of it!

MinnieTheMagic · 23/04/2014 04:25

Reminds me of someone I dated, for a SHORT time thank god.

He was...cough...a bit of a higher weight than average? I still found him attractive enough to date in a 'see what happens' way, and we had some things out of the bedroom in common.

The trouble was, he had MASSIVE issues around his body and sex.

So he'd be very self-conscious, and to make matters worse, I think he wanted to be 'seen' as this masculine dominant figure and basically rewrite how things actually were. So I had to buy into this fantasy image of a sex life he had for himself.

'I ripped off your clothes and took you from behind'

(no, you asked me to do reverse cowgirl, because you can't go on top Hmm)

I felt awful because I had to basically play this performing sex monkey (and take on this leader/dominant/nurturer role in the bedroom) because he was so self-conscious?

And I had to 'protect' his delicate temperament at the same time and pretend I was enjoying this shit charade, where he'd lie there and go 'you have to tell me what to do and say how much you're enjoying it', and I'd have to do all sorts of 'tricks' to finish him off, as he got out of breath/had high blood pressure so had ED issues etc.

There was also a hell of a lot of resentment/bitchiness.

He'd try and goad me into criticizing other men. So any night out would be spent slagging off younger, slimmer men. If I mentioned a male acquaintance, the bitching started. If I mentioned taking a walk, it was actually because I was out to get him, and on a secret campaign to slim him down.

I think he just got SO protective about his hang-ups that he spent a lot of energy attacking and criticizing so he wouldn't be 'found out'

Actually made sure I paid for all the dates towards the end, because I got the impression he did nice things for people in a very controlling way: "I'll buy you dinner, so you have to protect my delusional feelings forever"

He wasn't prepared to change his weight, and he was unhappy with it, so any partner had to play Emperors New Clothes and buy into this alternate version of reality.

KathrynJaneway · 23/04/2014 04:29

I think you are doing the right thing in finishing it. I don't think he 'gets you' iykwim. Too much energy waste arguing and explaining your every word and action to him.

oohdaddypig · 23/04/2014 04:57

TBH I think your email did come across as nasty.

He has issues with sex and you called him frigid. That's not funny.

In the reverse situation, and with a guy saying to me by email I was frigid, I would tell him to fuck right off.

I don't think the fact a bloke is the frigid one makes this any different.

I thought your email, at the end anyway, was awful! Sorry OP - I'm with the bloke on this one and thought his response was justified.

oohdaddypig · 23/04/2014 05:00

Ahh. Just read your update post....

Row 1 - I think you should NEVER talk about exes in a new relationship tbh

Row 2 - I think his response was totally OTT

I think you sound completely incompatible. If you are rowing like this now OP, run for the hills and never look back! This relationship is just heading for heartbreak.

Ardiente · 23/04/2014 05:12

I think calling him frigid was highly insulting regardless of his actual sexual prowess. Looking at the fierce comments regarding his reply, I am convinced half the MNetters would not be much more dignified in their answers. You deserve it OP. Take it on the chin and if you think he is worth it, try to make amends. Else, move on. It might be your ticket out of a sexually incompatible relationship.

singaporeslinger · 23/04/2014 05:22

op I think you direct response saved you a whole load of hassle: sure it was blunt, BUT I think his response told you a lot about how he sees sex, (something which should be easy and fun and relaxing) as an 'assignation of responsibility' and your job is to 'help matters' and 'help things'.

fucking hell, are you willing to be his therapist? thought not. i reckon if things progressed and you hadn't 'called' him earlier, he'd evolve into one of the "you're not attractive enough/not doing enough to turn me on" crew, and you'd spend all the time feeling shit and undesirable and thinking 'is it me' and dressing up like a pantomime coquette to please him.

arsenaltilidie · 23/04/2014 05:39

Your email sounds okay, you have a sarcastic sense of humour.

The Red Flag is he knows he has issues but he is trying to pass the blame onto you.

Its 2 weeks and you bicker already, give up

ShatterResistant · 23/04/2014 06:21

Seems to me you're just not very kind to each other. Better break up, sooner rather than later.

magoria · 23/04/2014 06:59

It shouldn't be such hard work.

Your reply was shitty.

However his original email saying he had wanked and it was frustrating when he is the one refusing sex was shitty towards you. It sounds like he was blaming you for his frustration.

I would feel horrible being told that when I had been more or less turned down.

You are clearly incompatible if you are arguing and he is sulking a few weeks in.

It's not going to get better.