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Original poster

Is it just me or is this email nasty?

223 replies

whichoneofusisnuts · 23/04/2014 02:06

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 23/04/2014 07:00

If a man told me I was frigid that'd be the last time I ever saw him.

That said you sound incompatible so its probably better if you end it with him

Springheeled · 23/04/2014 07:02

Your email was unkind, his was justifiably aggro-BUT the other things you've said suggest he's really controlling- seems there's a script he'd like you to follow and you don't have a copy of it so each time you fail to act as he expects you get the cold or sulky stuff.
No- chuck him. This is a bad dynamic and he sounds either potentially a real nightmare or at least just incompatible.

Driveway · 23/04/2014 07:14

I don't think this is going to be the romance of the century.

Legologgo · 23/04/2014 07:18

Why can he wank and not have sex?

picnicbasketcase · 23/04/2014 07:18

End it now, he sounds the type who has to have everything his own way. I think it's incredibly controlling that the decision to have sex seems to be entirely his, when he feels ready and has developed some 'feelings'. What are you supposed to do, hang around and then grovel gratefully when he decides he likes you enough? Plus the PA messaging and over sharing on wanks... Eurgh, quite frankly.

chaseface · 23/04/2014 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaynebxl · 23/04/2014 07:35

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone

Did anyone else get the impression from that sentence that he meant the relationship was best keft alone? I.e ending it?

LadyintheRadiator · 23/04/2014 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 23/04/2014 07:43

I see red flags aplenty. This guy has ishoos. His ishoos have ishoos.

It will only get worse, youreally don't need to go through aall this shit for a relationship this short.

Walk on.

chaseface · 23/04/2014 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celestria · 23/04/2014 07:55

Some blokes do have issues with finishing. When I first got together with my chap, he struggled for a few weeks. I accepted he needed to feel comfortable and by a month in, I was a very happy woman indeed Smile

I too think your reply was off, I have a sarcastic humour too but that didn't read as frigid. I think you were hurt that he couldn't cum with you.

But...he has also been hugely insensitive. Why is it all about his feelings. It's hard not to question yourself when sex isn't great at the beginning and he was a total prat to tell you he was wanking.

Honestly, I think you are wasting your time with him. Find someone that considers your feelings too.

lavenderhoney · 23/04/2014 07:57

He wants to hold off until he feels ready?:) I thought that was the ladies job, to be won:) that's a joke, btw:)

But I wouldn't have been doing "stuff". Did he tell you he wouldn't shag you before you got your gear off?

I wouldn't bother now tbh. He knows you might shag him and dump him after.

Sexting and pics is normal in a sexual relationship, and very nice it is too:) but not in relationships like this. He might be scared you'll get pregnant, want to be exclusive, be religious and waiting, wanting to feel the love- all manner of reasons, which he is entitled to.

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/04/2014 08:02

Oh op it's not meant to be this hard scuse the pun, I'll put my thoughts on the table

You should be shagging like rabbits and he's not even coming out of the burrow until the big bad fox has been shooed away ffs.

Deeper connection? wtf precious much what's deeper than being balls deep in your new gf who wants you there?

He's a head fuck seriously if you don't have a problem attracting the males of the species throw this one back in to the gene pool or better still leave him in the shallow end, where he can winge with the other big girls blouses.

Ps

Yep he has mummy issues and problems with women in general

AnyFucker · 23/04/2014 08:02

6 of one.....

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/04/2014 08:03

Oh but yeah frigid not a fab comment but I think you touched a nerve with that because it might be true op.

Fairenuff · 23/04/2014 08:17

Not really the point, I know, but how does 'not being able to finish' stop him having penetrative sex?

He could still do everything for you OP, did that not occur to either of you, or did he just not want to?

slithytove · 23/04/2014 08:26

Not rtft just ops posts.

I think you were out of order. If a man said this to a woman because she didn't want penetrative sex yet everyone would be frothing.

I think in light of your full message, his response was pretty muted really.

An apology and an acknowledgement that it came out wrong might be best.

Hope it all goes well.

starfishmummy · 23/04/2014 08:32

Both of you need to grow up

slithytove · 23/04/2014 08:34

Can I ask how old you are?

I was with a man who did everything other than full sex for a couple of months. I never called him names for it. Hearing that he wanked etc was a bit of a turn on because we were having a sexual relationship, just not penetration at that point.

Turns out he was a virgin. Best relationship I've ever had.

We did not have the problems that you describe later on in your thread though.

Original poster
whichoneofusisnuts · 23/04/2014 08:38

I'm really glad I posted here, because we are all diferrent and tbh I read my message a dozen times and could honestly not understand who anyone could be offended by it.

From my POV, he brought up a "joke" about wanking and I replied in-line with a joke of my own. Maybe not everyone would find it funny though, I get that after you have all pointed it out and I can appreciate that he is more sensitive than me. I have a thick skin and take the piss a lot. I honestly thought he was being a complete baby.

I have apologised, he thanked me for my apology, but it degenerated after that into him accusing me of seeing other people because he went onto plenty of fish and noticed I had logged on today. Incidentally I log on every day to check messages but this is apparently not acceptable to him.

He's 39. He seems incredibly insecure and needy to me. Maybe it is me, I don't know but it definitely should not be this hard. I've argued more with him in a few weeks that I did with the last guy in several years.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/04/2014 08:40

This thread makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. I admit, I've never met a man who wants to hold off from having sex at the beginning of a relationship.

But if they exist, that should surely be ok?

It's a bit crap really to say that he wants you do do what he wants before allowing you the prize of his cock or whatever, how on earth would that sound the other way round?

Is it ok just to expect sex then get rude when it doesn't happen?

Women are allowed to have sex when they want to, and must not be hassled or pressured. Seems like men don't have that luxury, and will in fact be slagged off either way.

OP this clearly isn't going anywhere, it was only two weeks, move on.

chaseface · 23/04/2014 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 23/04/2014 08:42

Men logging back onto pof after having sex is another no-no. But you make it look like he's the bad one. Really, move on.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/04/2014 08:44

The 'no orgasm unless he has a connection' thing is bollocks by the way - you know that right? He's covering up his sense of inadequacy wi this silly story.
Dating someone for a few weeks and having several arguments is a sign it's not right.
Your email was really nasty and I'm not surprised he replied with hurt. However, he also shifted blame for his sexual disfunctional onto you and that really shows there is no future for you apart from shit sex and a lot of resentment.
Just walk away.

lottieandmia · 23/04/2014 08:50

I agree that it's not on for anyone to call anyone 'frigid' of course. But he sounds awful.

The ways he talks though and the language he uses, he just reminds me of screw-ups I had the misfortune to 'talk' to many moons ago on POF, the worst dating website ever.