Is it just me or is this email nasty?

[whichoneofusisnuts]

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

I would just move on to be honest. As it truly lets you see the situation and where you are also at in life, doesn't it ? I take it that you are a single mom and that he has not had some very serious relationship but have done the dating thing ? Maybe it helps if you do and can point it out to him and then move on. I started the online dating thing a while back and I am learning so much about this dating malarky. To me, I have always just wanted a relationship and a steady growth and that is it. If I wanted a ONS, or a short fling, then I state that. To me dear OP, it sounded like you wanted a fling, than a relationship. Cos I also wrote something very silly too about my past on the Q&A part and it got picked up by the guy I was seeing, and we bickered so much in the beginning, but then once he let his guard down, it was okay. I think that there is a lot of people on the online dating world which truly hide behind a wall, and it takes a lot to actually break it down sometimes. I would actually think twice before answering a message from someone. I actually screen out much more quickly now than I did before. There is no point time wasting when I realised certain areas will not work.

Apparently some guys have "stages". Dating to being committed (exclusive) to whatever whatever.... All this online thing is so messed up.

I rolled my eyes because in 35 years I have never seen anyone go on and on as much as he did over something so incredibly small and I am just too bloody old to pander to that sort of crap anymore.

You've never seen anyone go on and on about something? Try reading your posts on this thread. It's a master class on it.

You were rude. He was rude back. You're both nuts and better off apart. Simples.

I love you Alice

I actually joined POF to make friends. I just relocated for work and having a child makes it hard to "get out" and I was exchanging messages with people on a friendly (or occasionally flirty) basis and was pretty upfront that I just wanted "casual hangout" after being fairly recently divorced.

With this guy, we ended up messaging a lot and the messages were very intelligent to the point where I read a few of his five or six times because I found them so insightful. We ended up sending long messages late into the night and I did feel a deep connection to him and a kind of emotional "kinship".

He seemed to understand the way I thought and his own thoughts and the way he looked at the world was actually very endearing to me.

We agreed to meet as friends and went for a coffee but it was pretty instantly obvious there was more to it than that and we ended up dating very quickly after that.

As I said though, while I liked him a lot, I am fairly newly divorced, in a new place, I have a child and I wasn't looking to move quite as quickly as he was and I think this made him feel insecure and he perhaps behaved a little bit OTT. He was very intense, which I half liked but also found unnerving.

The thing is though, I do think anyfucker is right and it is 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I was a twat and so was he. The thing is though that if we are bickering now it is a signs we basically don't mesh well.

How did he know you were on POF OP? Either he was on it too having a look in which case he's a massive hypocrite and he was on there checking up on you in which case he's stalky. Neither of these are good.

That was a rubbish email you sent but that seems to have been more about misjudgement than you being nasty.

You've know him a couple of weeks and are newly divorced?

"Deep connection, kinship"? Honestly, you need to take a deep breath, calm down and keep off the dating sites.

He said he was checking up on me, which I also thought was stalky. It was misjudgement rather than me being nasty. I honestly thought he would laugh.

Well, a year divorced.

'He's been a bit weird from day one'.

Yes. He is. You are not blameless here, but seriously, I think you are very right to call it a day.

He may have issues around sex, and that's absolutely fine. It's not that. He's not shy and retiring, he's a drama queen and seems controlling and manipulative.

That wasn't a nice text you sent. If you'd sent it unsolicited to some poor shy bloke who you were just getting off first base with - well, you'd be a total cow.

It's not quite like that though is it?

His text back should raise a MILLION red flags, as should all the other little behaviours you describe. When it's not sex, it will be something else. Something else which makes him delicate and special and you can't possibly understand him... well, you might if you work very very hard to please him and stay on tiptoe waiting for the next time the goalposts move.

Shy men having a bit of adjusting to a sexual relationship don't generally text you later informing you they've had to have a wank.

Keep walking away!

I agree with slithytove. This situation would have benefitted from more winky and less wanky.

But anyway OP, you've taken sensible action and so good luck with your next foray.

Your message doesn't sound friendly at all, sorry

Basically he must have checked up on you because he wanted actual solid commitment from you by the sound of things. Whereas you seem to know what you wanted, which is just casual friendship. At the same time, about this deep emotional connection. I would stay away a little bit for a while because it seems to me that you placed him exactly as what you wanted him to be with you but without the steps to take it to that level. i.e. find out what each other is like.

I was also the same too when I met my guy on the okc, but I was too intense, cos I realised that I did that classic "I left him at hello". Whereas I realised I was ready to commit to somebody, but also realised that I did not see him for himself, or I thought I saw him but when we discussed serious plans, neither of us truly realised if we can do it or wanted to do it. When I also realised that he put his siblings above me, I realised that there were no future of "us" any more. He had predefined plans and wanted me to slot into them and move to the US. I offered a half way solution but he did not take up that offer. So I couldn't go throw with committing to him seriously.

It is just reality and acceptance of the different preferences and dreams. You do not have to be mean about anything, just be honest is good enough. Why don't you tell him what you wrote here. That you were on the POF because you wanted casual friendships and that you cannot give him what he wants which is really a committed serious and exclusive relationship. Cos it seems to me as a bystander that it is clear that both of you wanted different things.

You know, this kind of dramas are like what you expect in your 20s. If he is expecting more and you cannot give more, then just move on. Let go quickly. Don't get into a situation where he may feel that you misled him as well. I would also encourage you to find more female friends to hang around with for a while, cos it truly saves such hassle while you get yourself together on the kind of guy that you want to be with. It would not mess up with your mind then. It is obvious that he aggravated you by placing expectation on you when you did not meet them, or knew of it !

Anyone that says that he couldn't "live in the shadow of another man" to a woman who is divorced and has a child is a tit of the highest magnitude and it should set off a massing klaxon in your head.

this man would have gone on to increase control and manipulation on you and I'm willing to bet that he'd punish you by withholding affection/sex, or stonewalling you.

You did well to end this, you have dodged a bullet.

Dumb to say frigid.

Yuck of him to tell you about wanking.

I think you sound perfect for each other.

He is weird

dump him

Is this still going on....I thought it had been sorted by page 3......

Why do you feel the need to get justification for dumping a man you don't like of random on the internet??

It's.not going to work your a hard ass and he's a sensitive sole or a controlling mysoginstoc pig wanting you to jump through sexual hoops...whatever. Does it really matter?! You know you want to end is so stop searching for justification from people who know neither of you personally. Just get it over and done with and move on.

Sounds like rertarded ejaculation. Not an easy one to overcome, even with sex therapy.

Ha! More winky less wanky :)

I don't know why people are getting accusatory about this thread 'still going', the OP isn't forcing anyone to keep posting is she?!

Its the drip feeding and the all of a sudden more reasons not to date him, if he's the arse she says he is then I just don't get why the constant but he's also done this, and this and what about this. It's pretty clear there is a very slim chance of continuing the relationship none at all hopefully for both their benefit, so I just don't understand the need to go on about it for 7 pages when OP agreed some 5 pages back she was better off out of the situation.

You sound perfectly fine OP. I think he's basically trying to draw you into a fantasy world in which he doesn't have ED issues.

You're meant to show how special you are, and how emotionally connected you are, by ignoring the issues, and buying into this 'sex by text' thing, and pretending its satisfactory for you.

He'll text you to say he's had a wank, and perhaps you're meant to then text back and say 'so did I, wow, aren't we compatible?'

The POF thing is a red herring. Guarantee he's had these issues before, deep down he knows its the weird sex thing.

But he's built up this elaborate cover story in his head in which its not him, its never him, its THEM. The nasty women. You're spoiled by another man, you're trolling for sex online, that's why you don't want him. Its not HIS problem.

So your 'robust' e-mail probably saved you a whole load of bother down the line.

I would agree with other posters that you need to maybe pay more attention to what you're prepared to settle for? I know its an online tradition to date some chumps and have the stories, but don't keep it up .

Its not uncommon to feel 'well, maybe I should be grateful that someones 'Okish' and we all have to tolerate little foibles, but there should be a limit.

I don't think the OP deserves some of these posts directed at her, she realises she has been an idiot and apologised to him for it. Leave it there I think.

To OP, I'm glad you are seeing this now for what it is and have decided to not invest any more time into it. I sincerely wish you all the best for the future, you sound pretty together to me :)

I agree LastName

OP I'd say DON'T feel guilty about the e-mail you sent. You said something fairly 'direct' (depending on the context, really) and felt an apology was appropriate, which is your choice.

Personally I think it was inevitable he was going to blow up, and he was trying to manipulate you into being his little 'must please me sex fantasy dummy' so 'whatever' to him.

But please don't get into the pattern of rescuing or protecting the feelings of losers: it shouldn't be this hard.

I'm not sure about he friends thing though. He might not be able to finish his coffee until he knows he's your very best friend.....

Walter

Dear God, I think he would be the kind of 'friend' to write a two page e-mail about how his feelings have been hurt every time the OP does anything even slightly discomfiting.

She will receive instructions on what she can do to emotionally reassure him.

She will be expected to turn herself into his Dream Goddess who protects him against the world.

(OP: YANBU, date/socialise with robust men who don't faff round, and come to MN or do an OU course for your intellectual stimulation )

Well, I don't think I was drop feeding, but the idea is to keep the first post short and to the point. The general question was "was I a knob?" I heeded advice and apologised.

The rest of the info was provided as the convo developed, and the point of it was - the guy has a pattern of being highly strung / easily ruffled / a bit of a diva. After a few weeks it's just a bit too much for me. I can understand getting pissed off sometimes but for me the reactions are a bit OTT.

I am glad I got the advice that I was in the wrong because apologising was the right thing to do.

Sorry it went on for 7 pages. I agree it was done at page 3 but I'm not forcing people to post

And the fact that he's a bit odd is somewhat confirmed because after splitting up yesterday he's been texting me to tell me how good he looked in a suit today and that some woman was giving him the eyes really badly in a meeting and how attractive she was :)

I mean...really!