Is it just me or is this email nasty?

[whichoneofusisnuts]

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

You called him frigid - which is a horrible word to use to anyone

You talk about your exes a lot

You rolled your eyes because he was boring you.

You're still messaging people on POF

These would be red flags to me.

You don't come across in all this as a particularly nice, sympathetic or understanding person. Who on earth goes on about their Ex at length to a man they've just started dating? Or makes digs about his sexual performance?

I'm amazed he's still interested in seeing you tbh. I suggest you cut him loose and look for someone more on your wavelength...

Yes, he did say he has always had this issue and he said it's got worse with age. He basically said he needs to feel really comfortable to be able to do it and I actually understood that because I find it hard to orgasm unless I feel 100% about it.

I don't think attraction is the issue. He had a permanent erection and he wants to constantly do "stuff" he just pulls back from full sex (although we have done it he doesn't cum).

This is the part I find creepy though...he said he went onto POF to check on me. Which seems incredibly juvenile. Maybe it's just me!

He's been a bit weird since day one. On the first date he asked me to cancel all my other dates. I dunno, everyone is diferrent but I do think he might well be suited to more of a submissive wallflower than me

I would walk away from this as its to bad to early. I would also take away a couple of things from this, don't say hurtful things and not expect a hurtful responds and don't talk about ex boyfriends unless it is very limited.

A joke might have been

You didn't have to wank you know, we could always finish you off together ;)

The winky is very important as the written word is so hard to interpret. What you wrote did not seem jokey in any way. It seemed pissed off actually.

I also think it's pretty shocking (other posters not OP) to say that it's bollocks to have no orgasm without a connection. It's a trust thing for some people, you have to really relax and that comes with having that emotional connection.

Having said all that, it does sound as though he has a few other 'ishoos' and you would be better off apart.

So he doesn't need an emotional connection to fondle/mutually masturbate/do anything else but climax? how odd.

And you've only been together a few weeks but are arguing loads already and you're having to watch/censor what you say???

Run for the hills.

Life's too short!

This is meant to be your honeymoon period - not hard work! I don't have to watch what I say with my dh and we've been married 14 years.

OP, since several people started telling you they thought his response was understandable, you've done an excellent hatchet job on his guy. One minute you really like him, the next you're slagging him off and drip feeding all sorts of stuff - now, for instance, he's been "a bit weird since day one".

Which he may well be!!!

Just fucking call it a day. You have BOTH behaved strangely, you BOTH bicker in email like toddlers. You don't need to continue to justify yourself to us. Just call it a day and move on.

If it's this hard work and making you feel shitty now what will it be like in 6 months? This man has ishoos and unless you really really like him and want to help him through them run for the hills.

If I was seeing a new man and he didn't want to jump my bones every time we met I'd feel crap.
I've been in a relationship when sex is doled out in carefully divided rations and it's utterly soul destroying.

Well okay, I think in fairness

1. Yes, I called him frigid, after he spent the morning shagging about with me, was unable to cum and then emailed me to tell me he'd wanked off when he got home. I also went to the trouble of posting on here to find out if I was an arse. When the consensus was that I in fact was - I did apologise. I can be obtuse, but I didn't mean to be an arse. Hand on heart if the situation was reversed I'd have found it funny and replied "piss off!"

1. I don't talk about my exes a lot, as I said there was a context. We were actually talking about my DC's Dad and I was saying he was a great father and I couldn't knock him etc. and he got into a bloody massive strop where he said he couldn't "live in the shadow of another man" which I personally found bizarre as we just started dating and going over your history is (to me) a perfectly normal part of that. For him to feel like it was a competition seemed beyond juvenile to me.

1. I rolled my eyes because in 35 years I have never seen anyone go on and on as much as he did over something so incredibly small and I am just too bloody old to pander to that sort of crap anymore. That might make me harsh but I'm looking for a man and not a toddler.

1. Yes, I still message people on POF but I'm honest about it, not seeing anyone else at the same time and also feel like we are just at the start of things and I am not ready to cut off all other avenues or also to give up on the people I have made a good friendship with. Aside from anything else, I quote enjoy sitting there of an evening rating photos and if he can't be secure in that then he's not for me.

I am admittedly a piss taker, have a very sarcastic sense of humour and I am not precious or angsty about sex. I'm honestly not a horrible person though!

Oh good lord, he's telling you off for being on POF?, and as someone rightly pointed out, to do that you have to be on POF to know.

He's making all this guff about how you have to be special, but out of nowhere comes up with the wanking stuff?

This guy's a dud.

Yeah your email wasn't ideal, and it perhaps got read not in the way you meant it, but he's seriously fucked up.

I've seen where this shit ends up and it's not nice.

Get rid now!

My question now is then, why are you still fannying about with him when he's obviously a bad bet? Why haven't you kicked him to the curb already?

Your not a horrible person but he sounds very precious and delicate (massive eye roll) so it's not going to work is it?

You sound fine, op. He is bringing out the worst in you though! Move on.

Yes, I'm afraid he does bring out the worst in me. I have ended it. He does want to be friends.

Friends? Are you friends?

Well not really but isn't that the polite ending!

You were rude. And I wouldn't discuss anything about my Ex(s) until I was very well established in a new relationship, it's utterly irrelevant, nor would I ask about anyone's Exs either.

I have to say all this makes me laugh, I'd never dream of behaving in the way you've described, quite the opposite in fact (because I treat people how I want to be treated myself), yet I've been single for years and often never get beyond a couple of dates with guys, so clearly there's no benefit to being a nice person!

It's the polite ending but has never worked IME!

OP, you did right. Now, hide thread, move on and I think you are better off apart

VelvetSpoon, that's diferrent horses for diferrent course I am afraid. One of the first things I want to know about is someone's relationship history. I want to know details, I want to know the reasons for the ends of relationships as I think it paints a very good picture of who someone is and how they came to be where they are. I never feel insecure about people's past lovers. If they were meant to be with them they would be. I find it baffling when other people are weird about this. The human heart has an infinite capacity for love so I never feel like I am living in someone else's shadow.

I was rude though, which I admitted. It wasn't intentional. As I said, I can just be obtuse. I have a very high threshold on my end for enduring a joke and maybe I expect it too much from others.

Don't infer from that though that I am not a nice person.

So glad you've ended it.

I think your mistake was your response to his email about having a wank when he got home from you. I would have found that very hurtful that he'd not managed it with me, then gone home and have a wank, and then TOLD me about it, so I can understand why you called him frigid.

He's a prat.

I actually wasn't offended that he'd told me he'd gone home for a wank! I guess I just have a very thick skin and don't get easily offended...I sent that email (not trying to react or be nasty) but genuinely purely as banter and expected a response like "I'll give you frigid you cheeky cow". It didn't even remotely occur to me that I was being rude or might upset him.

Oh, I'm not insecure about Exs in the slightest. I don't discuss it because it's in the past and not important - and because there's lots of stuff about my own Ex (DV, EA, etc) which I wouldn't be prepared to discuss myself, so it would be unfair of me to request chapter and verse on a new partner's romantic history and then not reciprocate. Hence I don't raise the subject in the first place, and it's not something men tend to ask about unless prompted.

This is the part I find creepy though...he said he went onto POF to check on me. Which seems incredibly juvenile. Maybe it's just me!

You were on there, too!

I think you just sound bad for each other so ending it was the right thing to do.

I'm not sure about he friends thing though. He might not be able to finish his coffee until he knows he's your very best friend.....