Is it just me or is this email nasty?

[whichoneofusisnuts]

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

why would you send someone an e-mail to someone you hadn't had sex with going "i had a wank"?

i reckon maybe he's self conscious about the 'not being able to finish' thing so gets excessively defensive about it.

but do you really want to spend your life protecting and tip-toeing around his little secret?

I think calling someone frigid is hurtful.

You two need to sit down and have a frank, open talk, or this issue is just going to become more charged for both of you.

Well the full txt was given so I could get a rounded opinion. If people think I am an arse I'd rather know. I posted so people would tell me. Sometimes I can't tell if I am an arse but I am not very sensitive and struggle when people seemingly over-react.

It's only been a few weeks and we seem to be rowing a lot. It always seems to come from me apparently being insensitive.

Row 1: I talked too much about an ex boyfriend and he walked out and went home. There was a context though so I felt he was being unreasonable.

Row 2: He was going on about something seemingly minor and I'd said and I rolled my eyes and said it was like arguing with a woman. My bad (it wasn't a nice thing to say), he got in a strop that lasted all night.

He seems to get pretty upset pretty easily compared to me or compared to people I have dated before.

On the other hand, he does seem to be genuinely sensitive, honest, sweet, devoted and caring and I am wondering whether I need to learn to shut my big mouth and appreciate nice man for once. However, it does sometimes seem to cross a line into whiny, insecure child territory. He's also very possessive. Jealous of silly things, or things I see a silly.

I know he really likes me...he bends over backwards to do things for me or to spend time with me, but the constant arguing is grinding me down.

If I am being an arse I will work on it, but I feel like we just might not be gelling! I do feel an incredibly strong intellectual and emotional connection to him though. He is in a way a lot like my female friends and I admittedly like that.

oh, and agree with AwfulDaughter re: the emotional connection thing.

basically, i think he wants you to reassure him you're NEVER going to leave him. so then he won't have to deal with his ED problem 'at all' because you're 100% committed to him.

so then you're a bitch if you leave your committed partner over that.

(i reckon he's had exactly the same reaction from ex's)

best out of it

So OP, back to the original question (following the wonderful wisdom of the MN collective about his ((and your)) various issues), is he worth the effort?

Just curious.

He said, if it helps, he needs "trust me" before he can "let go" in bed. He asked me to be patient. I have been. It seemed sweet actually.

I just felt like if he'd sent me a "I just had a wank" joke then I could joke back. I can see now it was not a nice thing to say. Glad I asked. I just sent him an email to say sorry. Regardless of what happens with us I'd rather apologise if I was wrong. Sometimes I can't see when I am wrong. Pig headed!

Sounds like you should sit down and actually talk to each other. So much can be misconstrued in an email or text. Surely something as important as your intimate relationship should be discussed in person?

'a few weeks' and you're already having to tip-toe around him?

i see what you are saying regarding thinking your 'picker' is broken.

but i suspect the excessive 'niceness' is basically putting you on a pedestal, so then you overlook other things.

there are nice men, who don't make a drama over sex, go find one.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP...but kudos for apologising

2Retts...I honestly do not know the answer to that question. I am an avid MN reader and a few weeks in I am wondering I it's meant to be this hard. With the last guy it was just so easy.

he'll love that 'sorry' e-mail

i think it was a noble gesture on your part, but now you're in the 'person who indulges my little emotional foibles' category with him.

*But tbh, he seems bizarre. If I'm not fucking someone I don't want them texting me from afar telling me he's jizzed. It paints the picture of him being hooked up to pornhub with a nearby tissue getting off to you KNOWING that he's wanked.

The emotional connection thing is creepy too. It's not exactly 'I'd like to get to know you better first', it's basically telling you to prove yourself and build this sought for emotional connection so you are WORTHY.*

A) have you never done the send kinky pictures and texts to someone before sleeping with them, its pretty normal ( you know what their doing when you send the pictures and kinky texts) so its not that unusual to know your new sexual interest that you've yet to mount is probably knocked/knocking one out

B)an emotional connection is not creepy, you don't truly know why he needs this connection to climax, he may have a serious turbulent past associate with sex, it has nothing to do with making the other partner prove their worth.

And OP just break up, you seem to upset each other a lot for such a new relationship. It will probably be easier for you both.

I think being called frigid is horrible and I don't think it should be minimised when it's said from a woman to a man. So yes, I think both emails were nasty. Sounds hard work, for a relationship of only a few weeks.

I think perhaps you just have to recognise you are not actually that compatible and to move on to bigger and better things (for each of you).

It's really not meant to be this difficult and I am constantly reminding my guys o this when they meet someone who wants to be rescued/placated/justified etc.

It should be easier than this...seriously.

Go easy on yourself.

Well I did send him a go fuck yourself "I'm not happy" one earlier so it hopefully balances out

He did actually apologise for hurting me and said we should move on and take it day by day, but then he said "I made it clear in my other email that I didn't want to talk about this" and that was like a red flag to a bull. It just seemed so controlling...

I don't think I have ever actually had such an immature argument with another human being in my life. He brings out the child in me!

And well done for apologising. Who knows where it will lead. You do seem to like the man so perhaps just a honest open discussion would be better and then just see if you actually feel like it's all worth it.

Fuck x post again...

after the last part of information, just move on. Its easier for you both. If you view him as controlling and only you can know what he is truly like, we've never met him. Get rid of him.

You and me both on the consistent x-posts Boudica

He sounds like a controlling arse. It will only get worse. Dump him.

have you never done the send kinky pictures and texts to someone before sleeping with them, its pretty normal ( you know what their doing when you send the pictures and kinky texts) so its not that unusual to know your new sexual interest that you've yet to mount is probably knocked/knocking one out

Yikes, I dunno if you've done online dating, but this is actually a massive red flag? Sexting is fine with someone you're actually, y'know, regularly having sex with and seeing in person?

They're basically trying to normalise a situation where any sex life you have is essentially 'talking about doing it whilst I'm knocking one off at work' .

They can't really deal with a real woman in person, so they'd rather have a woman as contributor in some semi-pornographic fantasy. It's weird, yes.

Maybe a bit of subtle flirtation/innuendo is Ok, but just sending: 'I'm having a wank', unsolicited?

It's like boundary testing: then the OP is meant to play into the whole Dream Woman Who Texts Me Smut scenario.

She didn't, and responded to remind him of the actual reality of the situation, which is why he is pissed off. I reckon she was 'meant' to then basically overlook the lack of sex and buy into this fantasy about him being this virile beast...her accurate response meant he is now sulking.

Forget the email.....in a normal relationship, especially at the beginning people want to have sex. Whatever excuse he's giving you for for not wanting to have it, it's not normal and if he's like this now, how do you think it could be in 5 years time?

I would definitely leave if I were you. Something odd is going on and I would not stick around to find out what.

I think your original email to him wasn't nice at all. If someone told me I was frigid I'd be really hurt. And a few weeks in you shouldn't be having major arguments - this should be the honeymoon period. I can't see what you're getting out of this tbh

Haha yes 2Retts

So tonight in short we've learnt, don't poke fun at peoples sexual ability by name calling, it will surprisingly result in a offish e-mail back. Also if you've been together a matter of weeks and are already bicering like toddlers its probably not best to continue the relationship, especially when one half views the other as controlling.

And a good night was had by all.

Well I know exactly. What response was he expecting to him telling me he'd had a wank after he'd just failed to cum with me?

"Congratulations?"