Is it just me or is this email nasty?

[whichoneofusisnuts]

NC for this as it's embarrassing / personal.

New BF. He's great. Together a few weeks only. He's attentive and clearly turned on by me, but he wants to hold off full sex until he feels deeper emotions, but we "do stuff".

So anyway, "sex moments" can be a bit fumbly and I feel a bit awkward. He seems very full on but sort of holds back from full intercourse. He emailed me today and said he had to relieve himself at home and it was so frustrating. I sent a very sweet reply saying I missed him and wanted to see him tonight and added on the end "as for the rest it's your fault for being frigid".

I said this as a joke, but he sent an absolutely awful reply which said:

Hmmm, with a response like that, reckon I'll stay home tonight.

Not sure how you can think that calling someone 'frigid' is exactly going to help matters but, tbh, I don't actually recall you doing that much to help things anyway. Tends to be the case that you do a little then just try and sit on me regardless.

Not arguing. Think this one's best left well alone
x

AIMU or was this a nasty reply to a (perhaps insensitive) joke? Can someone tell me how they would interpret this?

I feel really pissed off, but also not sure if I maybe touched a sore spot. That said his reply seemed like a 5 year old child and it was quite spiteful.

She didn't, and responded to remind him of the actual reality of the situation, which is why he is pissed off. I reckon she was 'meant' to then basically overlook the lack of sex and buy into this fantasy about him being this virile beast...her accurate response meant he is now sulking
Lightbox has it spot on.

However, you aren't behaving great either yourself. I agree you shouldn't be checking POF if you've started referring to him as a boyfriend and having crap sex.

Once you have a relationship you should both agree to delete membership to dating websites. Or at least hide your profiles so you don't get messages.

what ehric said ^

Putting aside whether this guy is any good for you or not and whether that aren't other red flags (!), if I'd received your email, you'd have got back the same sort of response from me as you did from him.

Your message sounded really blaming and unpleasant. I am not surprised he reacted the way he did.

TBH if I were you I'd be ending thus relationship.

What do you get out of it? And what does your BF get out of it? It shouldn't be this fraught so early on.

A few weeks? This is going nowhere - or at least it sounds miserable.

Calling someone frigid is not nice - the humour didn't come across. Deliberately witholding sex and then going on about your stupendous solo sex sessions is odd though. I couldn't be arsed to work through his sensitivity/issues.

sorry for typos...fat fingers!

I think your email was misinterpreted and could have done with a smiley so he didn't take it too harshly. I think he was justified in his response.

Also don't give it if you can't take it. Maybe he just forgot to add in a smiley!

good god-this all sounds like such hard work!
it's many many years since i was dating but my memory of it is that new relationships were FUN! lots of giddy swooning and madly excited fumbling and entire days spent in bed etc
def not arguing and sending each other shitty emails etc

Dump him.

He sounds like an ex of mine. It's exhausting. Some people can handle it though so let him find someone else!

I never said it wasn't okay for him to hold off with the physical side of things. I actually thought it was nice and I have been very patient although at times it has been embarrassing for me.

What I did think was that if it was okay for him to make jokes about it then it was okay for me too. I think he put me in a crappy position by emailing me that he'd wanked off when he got home. If I wanted to be as sensitive as he is being I could have interpreted that as "you don't turn me on enough, you're not performing as you should so I need t DIY".

I do agree though that I was insensitive after hearing all your inputs and I can see if someone has sexual hangups maybe tryign to joke about them could be twatish.

As for POF, as he well knows, I did hide my profile, but I do still message other people that I was messaging before we started dating. I relocated (hence POF) for work and don't know anyone here. A few of the people I have met are really nice and we message back and forth still and have plans to meet for coffees as friends. I was upfront on that from day one.

He knew I was still on POF - what he found offensive was the fact that I was online at the same time as emailing him about a fight and he (mis) interpretd this that I was instantly looking for someone else to shag. Which wasn't the case.

Maybe I am wildly insensitive, and I am getting that this might be true so I will take it on board but it feels to me like walking on egg shells.

He's been cheated on in the past, and had a bad break up six months ago and for whatever reason I think he's insecure and that's playing out on to me.

I like him a lot, but it feels to much like hard work. Especially as the sexual side of things feels "off". Not just because of the orgasm issue, but because we seem generally incompatible on that front and I don't feel like I can be myself fully. For example he hates dirty chat and I like it, he finds me being "full on" scary. It's just not working.

It isn't working, I concur. You need a more, er, robust fella.

Let him wank himself into oblivion.

Has he always had this issue with women? It does sound a bit weird. I've only ever known one person to have "issues" with finishing, and that's my DP (it wasn't with me) but we had a one night stand discussion before and he told me he had never been able to climax during one night stands as he was never attracted to the female he was with. Maybe that's it with him? Not implying you aren't attractive at all but just a theory, I have been out with plenty of men there hasn't been a real cor i fancy you with but I've thought they were lovely people so give the dating a go.

Putting that aside though, it sounds like a LOT of hard work for a few weeks in. It should be all butterflies and excitement now not arguing!

Oh God, OP, don't justify POF to him. It's a few weeks in, he doesn't have any claims on you and he doesn't sound great, personally. Are you going to finish with him, or are you going to waste more time having a daft back and forth dialogue? Do you really think this will get you anywhere? What's the point?

Go and get yourself some good company and a decent fuck, if that's what you want. He sounds like a car crash waiting to happen and life is too short.

Jesus wept! You two are incompatible. Move on.

Sorry had to cut short to deal with poonami. While your message was unkind I do think you are fundamentally incompatible. Agree you need a more robust type. Let this come to its natural conclusion.

I think you were pretty unkind to be honest. He could have all manner of reasons for his sexual dysfunction - medical issues, abuse as a child, psychological problems - none of which are going to be improved by being made to feel he is frigid. I don't think I'd want to sleep with someone who was so resentful of my desire to take things slowly and dismissive of the reasons for this (which are quite frankly not really any of your business just a few weeks in).

I don't think you're compatible at all and for the sake of both of you, leave things right there.

Oh sorry, x-posted with OP. Glad you're moving on.

We are bickering like toddlers

I suspect it's because you're both acting like toddlers. Move on.

Your email was horrible. If you'd received an email like that yourself, I suspect this thread would read very differently.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Surprised no one has pointed out the bleedin' obvious: he would have to have been on POF himself in order to see that OP had logged on!

So it's OK for him to do in order to stalk you but not for you, OP?

Glad you're calling time on this one.

Crazy is completely right here. It'd be "I don't want to have full-on intercourse with him yet and he's called me frigid!" and people would be lining up to say how awful he was to call you frigid.

Yes the message was horrible, but the subtext was clearly 'why are you telling me this when you refuse to have sex with me?' It was a weird thing to tell her and she responded with annoyance in a way that was hurtful. I would be annoyed too if a guy who couldn't get it up told me he went home and wanked. What do you want, a medal?