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Original poster

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 14:23

"DO men just want to take the lead?" I think that there is an element of a man that actually wants to be the breadwinner and be protective of their loves ones. I actually really do accept this and believe in it as well. I also think that, there is a need or a chance to also sometimes allow this to exist within a man. Again, it is about balance also too. When we suppress our natural sense of self, this is whereby very odd and funny things happen. As in perversion of a gender. I see this as happening more and more now in this day and age. I hope to shield my children from actually being manipulated and perversed in this way in the future. To me, having role models are so important.

squizita · 26/04/2014 14:24

Maisie if "traditional" families/cultures always raised EQ I would be out of a job. It suits some but can go terribly, terribly wrong when men/boys identify control/responsibility as their only duty and women take a step back from logic. The most eloquent analagy is Romeo & Juliet ... What happens when "daddy knows best" meets "lovely man has harebrained plan, girl knows better but defers because his hearts in the right place". It isn't actually a love story, more a warning about moderation and common sense- 500 years ago.

Messed up people with low EQ have always existed. Always. Dreaming of fantasy happy times ... Just dreaming.

squizita · 26/04/2014 14:26

Also, you are stereotyping men a bit there. You're not a man, you can't exactly speak for them all can you?

Fairenuff · 26/04/2014 14:28

Is he quite a lot older than you OP?

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 14:41

What are you talking about there Squizita ? I do not get it. I was talking about a man having logic as their predominant function, but they can also have an emotional connection too. EQ. When to control one's temper and when not. When to assess a situation and use as much emotional connection with somebody and when not. THIS IS maturity. On the other side, women can be the same as well. I am talking about IQ and EQ existing within a person, regardless of gender.

It is actually quite worrying to sometimes see people talking the talk, and not walking the walk that they talk about !

For females, and if some posters can bite their emotive tongue on here once a while, I will applaud them on their EQ well too. I know the personalities now from most of the writers here based on how they express themselves, but some seem to bulldosed over others, and actually not allow the equal amount of opportunity to speak up as such. It takes a lot of self control to know your own strengths and weaknesses too.

I see life as dynamic, and if two people within a relationship can utilise the best of their own abilities through life's challenges, then I applaud for that. I have no heck of an idea how some people can be so selfish and individualistic such that they assume others are also as similarly selfish and individualistic too.

Offred · 26/04/2014 14:47

I am utterly baffled as to how Maisie manages to be so utterly utterly incomprehensible every time she posts... Confused

It is not any kind of division of labour I'm warning against but a 'traditional approach' to decision making where the man makes all the decisions and the woman defers to his authority.

Offred · 26/04/2014 14:48

And just to be clear I disagree with it in the reverse too. No one partner should be superior to the other and truly good people don't want to be married to a man/womanchild and feel uncomfortable with being put into the superior role.

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 14:49

Deep sigh.

It is not any kind of division of labour I'm warning against but a 'traditional approach' to decision making where the man makes all the decisions and the woman defers to his authority.

Have you been the fly on the walls on ALL of these couples' and their family home to derive at THIS kind of conclusion ?!??!?!

Twinklestein · 26/04/2014 14:52

Men having logic as their predominant function

Eh? That would explain the world wars and Darwin awards... Men are no more or less logical than women and when reason and logic gets drowned in testosterone, considerably less so...

DO men just want to take the lead? I think that there is an element of a man that actually wants to be the breadwinner and be protective of their loves ones.

Really? How come 40% of men lose contact with children within 2 years of family breakdown?

Inaccurate stereotypes don't help a discussion at all.

Twinklestein · 26/04/2014 14:57

Personally I'm a bit iffy about the authenticity of this thread. A woman, perfectly happy in her relationship, posts a thread asking if other women are perfectly happy in theirs, claims to be an accountant, but whose grammar, spelling and ignorance of feminism indicate she's not been educated above secondary level, who proceeds to argue the toss for 16 pages...

If it sounds like cobblers on the net it probably is.

Fairenuff · 26/04/2014 14:58

Do men just want to take the lead?

is an impossible statement to answer anyway because men are individuals, not one being. It's just a nonsense.

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 15:08

Wisdom is not written in textbooks you know.

It is natural for a man or a woman to have very basic primitive instincts. When children are born, there are actual moments of this natural inclination occurring in the parents. But society, can influence people and encourage them to override this inclination.

It seems to me that some of the ladies cannot hold their EQ in check, and is making the OP actually starting to doubt herself, and also to cause anxiousness to her and therefore this can be seen in her writing. I wondered how many writers and ladies on MN can actually allow a true true discussion to actually exist ?

Offred · 26/04/2014 15:09

No Maisie - that's what the op is talking about. Or at least that's what I have decided it is likely she is talking about because she won't explain.

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 15:13

Twinklestein You can't? I think I better not tell you that I am a Chinese girl born into a family that revere boys and still do, but my male siblings have a high EQ and can actually know when to say something and not something that hurts me, and we also still support one another, and I studied a science subject, and now works in a male dominated environment (IT) for a living and had opened my own company, of which I felt is impacting my health and because of that I closed it. Now I just want to be a baby machine cos I have had enough of doing too much too fast, and just want to be a baby machine and raise a family.

I also better not tell you that my male siblings actually cried for me when I was made redundant once cos he felt the deep injustice placed on me then in case you say that this is "emotional blackmail".

Offred · 26/04/2014 15:17

So you agree that it is fine for a woman to believe it makes everyone happier for a man to make all the decisions for the family because she trusts him to know what's best for them all then Maisie? Is that how you run your home?

It isn't necessary in order to be a SAHM and it is nothing to do with who does what in the family.

Twinklestein · 26/04/2014 15:19

I can't what?

If you think that raising babies is less stressful than owning a company, you'd be wrong, it's pretty much the same...

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 15:28

I believe that a couple can discuss behind closed doors and then can say anything that they like publically, which withhold affecting their privacies or the need to justify to anybody anything.

I also believe that you read waaaaaay too much into textbooks. Maybe if you talked to people, and talked to certain individuals, you may find that not everybody accepted, or acknowledged, and even actually believed feminism for what it was during the time that it happened.

Offred · 26/04/2014 15:35

What's this about textbooks? Confused I've already said I don't like the word feminism. I think it is inappropriate and it makes equality into a minority concern.

Of course people might say in public something different to what they do behind closed doors, that's why I've been asking the op to clarify what she means because how else are we meant to know whether we share her philosophy or not (what she asked)? Hmm

Do you think families are happier when the woman and children defer to unaccountable male authority?

Offred · 26/04/2014 15:37

I mean come on Maisie if either you or the op or anyone else is really secure in this view then why are you so reticent to admit to it?

Fairenuff · 26/04/2014 15:43

It seems to me that some of the ladies cannot hold their EQ in check, and is making the OP actually starting to doubt herself, and also to cause anxiousness to her and therefore this can be seen in her writing. I wondered how many writers and ladies on MN can actually allow a true true discussion to actually exist

There are ladies on mn?

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 15:46

Do you think families are happier when the woman and children defer to unaccountable male authority?

What the hell. I have no idea why you even think that I would think this. Or to even consider that I think anything. Can I have nothing in mind ?

And to be honest, I am surprised that you seem to be, what's the word that others use sometimes on MN, "gaslighting" me. I do not want to or wish to generalise for other families and so forth. I was also asking for equality and that other ladies should NOT make assumption on the lives of other females, and also that they should not necessarily push them into actually making a decision either. I have no heck of an idea why you seem to want to push for an answer, and what if this idea has never even been considered in my mind? Are you going to label me a name too ?

Have you deliberately not read what I wrote about good decent role models ? If you read what I wrote, you would not even start to create silly questions like the above and push me into this pigeon-holed world that you seem to live in.

AnnieLobeseder · 26/04/2014 15:54

Well, the thread has moved on somewhat but I'd like to go back to your first few posts.

Putting aside the whole bit about men "taking the lead" (not sure how that's really related to choosing to stay at home - the two are not intrinsically related)...

Now, I'm somewhat prejudiced as the child of a SAHM who was left destitute when my dad ran off with his secretary, but I am strongly of the opinion that SAHMs are taking a huge personal risk that is probably not worth it in terms of benefit to the family. But I accept that everyone is free to make their own decisions and perform their own risk assessment for their and their children's future. I also accept that couple may choose to have a stay at home parent and a working parent for a variety of reasons, usually financial or logistical. However, your seems to be the most unusual I've ever heard.

What I'm taking from yours posts is that your DH can't (or won't) perform housework to your required standard, and you can't cope with doing all the house work plus a full-time job. Something had to give and so you decided that what had to go was your job. You appear to have given up financial security and independence for the sake of a pretty house. I'm frankly baffled by your priorities.

Fairenuff · 26/04/2014 15:59

I think I better not tell you that I am a Chinese girl born into a family that revere boys and still do, but my male siblings have a high EQ and can actually know when to say something and not something that hurts me

Why do you think males having high EQ would be frowned on here?

Some do, some don't. Same as females. You cannot say 50% of the population are one thing because of their gender.

I studied a science subject, and now works in a male dominated environment (IT) for a living and had opened my own company

Why do you post this as if it should come a surprise that women can study science and work in IT and own their own company?

Why are you so sexist?

Offred · 26/04/2014 16:03

But Maisie... That's what the op is saying and you are supporting the op...

Maisie0 · 26/04/2014 16:05

Fairenuff To be honest, as a female I am pretty scared of a few of you here cos you seem to like to fight and play judgmental games, and I do not like doing that. That is not me. It seems to me that you guys hold a particular worldview, as well as how you think the world is or should be. I do not need to or neccesarily need to speak out and tell the world my worldview, than I need to focus my energy in dealing with my life. But some of you seems to like to play this "generalisation" game. But I don't. That is the difference here.

I posted that line to tell you actually, I am that way, BUT despite that I am, I STILL WANT TO ME A MOM INSTEAD ! Cos I do not like what I am doing.

Why did you call me sexist ?
What is that supposed to mean ?