Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

You can tell people to bog off OP, just don't call them cunts.

Add message | Report | Message poster Fairenuff Sat 26-Apr-14 12:35:55
While you're at it, go and post on the feminist board about giving sex in return for food and beer. That'll go down well

Iv had a quick look ,As they seem to be disgusted by girls wearing princess dresses .... Maybe il miss that section !

Yes he likes his tea cooked but as for sex we both in agreement in that area .
I take it would also be frowned on if I were to say I do my make up to look nice for him when he gets in from work !

Add message | Report | Message poster Fairenuff Sat 26-Apr-14 12:39:55
You can tell people to bog off OP, just don't call them cunts.

How vulgar !

Feminists in my experience tend to be more controlling than any man iv known

Actually OP, if you open your mind, you might learn quite a lot about feminism that will surprise and even delight you.

Firstly, you cannot know who is a feminist. They don't wear a label. The ones 'in your experience' who have been controlling are probably just a small minority of all the feminists. There are lots of quiet ones too, who won't offer an opinion unless you ask and who will give their view politely.

Like any group, there are always some more outspoken than others. But because they are individual people, there will be varying degrees of expressiveness.

If you think feminism is about bullying women, then clearly you have not read much about it or heard much debate. It's fascinating, necessary and here to stay, so you might as well educate yourself so that you can make more informed statements.

How vulgar

You sound a bit daft This will come back to haunt you once your children are grown

You can have your choice as long as the feminists agree

It's an incorrect assumption that asking you to explain your set up and having concern that it may be damaging for you and that you haven't really thought it out to it's potential logical conclusion because your posts about it are contradictory is about 'feminists' saying you can have your choice as long as it is sanctioned by feminism.

However it is interesting that you are railing so hard against that idea when, I am assuming the latter set up is what you mean by traditional and letting him take the lead, your set up at home is basically not even as much freedom as 'you can have your choice as long as your man agrees' but actually 'your man will choose and you don't need to understand, if you strongly disagree he might make a different decision'.

I seriously dislike the term and don't think it is particularly helpful in achieving equality to actually section yourself off as a minority group, but feminism, certainly on this board is concerned with equality for women and protection from exploitation. It has no vested interests in exploiting you or any power over you. Unlike, potentially, your husband.

But as a more general point although many people won't be sneery about text speak or poor english (I don't like when people are) you will absolutely find it hard on MN if you can't deal with swearing or vulgarity!

Add message | Report | Message poster JapaneseMargaret Sat 26-Apr-14 12:37:06
i see the forum is full of posts of woman struggling with unhappiness

Don't read too much into that. Those of us who are perfectly happy, have no need to post asking for advice.

Mmmm- iv noticed you don't need to ask for advice to get it on here !

Add message | Report | Message poster Offred Sat 26-Apr-14 12:59:13
But as a more general point although many people won't be sneery about text speak or poor english (I don't like when people are) you will absolutely find it hard on MN if you can't deal with swearing or vulgarity!

I think that it says more about them and shows not only a low level decency but also issues within themselves .why would anyone want to put others down if not because it makes them feel better .

I will probably choose to ignore the swearing and vulgarity .my parents own pubs so I'm used to it - I just don't participate !

Well no but if you want to find like minded people who agree that there are "benifits of a more traditional relationship" then you do actually have to explain what you mean by 'traditional'. Also you can't expect people to ignore a situation they think is obviously damaging.

If you'd come on and said for example that you beat your dc with belts because you believe in the benefits of traditional 'discipline' you'd be getting flamed because of the damage not because of your choices as such.

Offred , I can see that people don't think I'm capable by the life iv chosen ! However as a adult I have the right to choose how I live .

But people don't know the life you've chosen because you haven't explained what life you've chosen.

If people thought you weren't capable I'm not sure they'd be as bothered about you deciding to become incapable in your relationship.

Add message | Report | Message poster noddyholder Sat 26-Apr-14 12:54:23
You sound a bit daft This will come back to haunt you once your children are grown
You are entitled to think I sound daft ,however unless u have a crystal ball u can't tell what the future will hold.
We are very happy and despite some interesting views on here iv found some ladies to chat to who feel the same

Add message | Report | Message poster Offred Sat 26-Apr-14 13:24:17
But people don't know the life you've chosen because you haven't explained what life you've chosen.

If people thought you weren't capable I'm not sure they'd be as bothered about you deciding to become incapable in your relationship.

You are defiantly persistent ! X

Well, I'm glad you've found the thread useful but I'm pretty convinced by your avoidance that you have decided to enter into the surrendered wife lifestyle in practice whilst simultaneously not believing it is the right thing for you. I'm not sure that will work out well! :/

Lots of mums on here are SAHMs without being surrendered wives and just because you think that isn't what you are choosing doesn't mean it isn't what you have chosen.

OP can you state, quite clearly, whether or not you are a standard, ordinary SAHM or whether you are a surrendered wife?

She has already stated she doesn't agree with the surrendered wife thing fairenuff but it's hard to see how 'letting your man take the lead' and make all the decisions because he has your best interests at heart is different from being a surrendered wife.

From the surrendered wife blurb "When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. "

This is someone who read the book "I read the book years ago while trying to save my marriage. It really wanted the woman to trust the husband to do what was best for her, the children, the marriage and the finances. That the woman should give her opinion but leave the final decision to the husband. That somehow this trust would call the husband to do what was right for everyone in the situation. That if the woman stepped back, the man would step up."

Now the op does the budget but that seems like a fragile victory given he can withdraw that at anytime. The rest is frighteningly similar to what I get the impression is going on at the op's house.

Hmm

So, clear as mud then

Yeah! Clear as mud! Which is what concerns me, it certainly looks as thought she could be sleepwalking into surrendered wifehood because she ending up sick from stress related illness... But she isn't willing to clarify what 'traditional' actually means so... Meh, no-one knows!

OP. I work with teenagers and adults, so am very used to reading and listening to all groups.

The reason why some people find you teenagerish isn't slang and text speak. The way (in writing, so it could be quick typing not "you") you express yourself does sound quite " young". It's not text speak: you make your life sound very simple, not like you've considered other options or are in denial they exist. This tends to make your posts sound young/naive: there's no "we considered xyz might be a problem but were pleasantly surprised..." - any downsides are absent. Even very happy people consider and anticipate problems (and solve, prevent or live with them to be happy). Thus, some of your posts sound quite young.

Also your posts confuse discussion/debate with others (whom you identify as "feminists" though not every poster has said this) 'attacking' you. Again this can make your posts (not you) sound young because it is something teens struggle with more than adults (who can discuss differences without feeling threatened). Perhaps this dislike of discussion is just fast typing, perhaps it is fundamental to why you enjoy your DH taking the lead.

Finally, your points are often emotional (not practical so much) and -again could just be the posts/writing - the emotions seem quite simple and young. One sided with no self doubt. Possibly as they are forum posts.

Some posts you read and don't seem to understand the more complex subtle points made. Again, skim reading on a phone does this, but it might lead some to make assumptions.

The problem is, this might lead people to think YOU haven't thought things through or are innocent. So you're explaining and frustrated people don't believe you and act like you're young.

It isn't the text speak or slang, it's the tone of the posts. E.g. you grew up in a pub and don't like slang ... But in your 1st reaction to it you sounded all innocent and shocked! Making you sound young/naive. Actually, I think the innocent to slang, ladylike reaction to swearing is a deliberate choice on your part ... You want to be a traditional lady... Which is fine. But ladylike and prim is slightly different from "girly" (also fine) - it seemed you didn't realise how young you sounded in that post.

Blossum Whilst there are people who uses labels and think that they speak for women and on women's behalves, there are those who have stronger will powers, and also stronger stomach that actually change society in a daily basis. Do stay strong.

I do not see it as old fashioned based on what you are doing because I was also raised that way too. What really happened was, both my mother and father had the typical what you classed as "traditional" role back then. We came from a farming family, so my mom know what hard works mean. Bringing up children and farming was what my family had. When the times change and farming slowly died out. I think my father had a 9 to 5 and then my mother took care of us all as we were young. Then when we were older and opportunities arised, my father went into a business with her sister, and my mother did join him in the end, and we were looked after for a little while by our grandparents and went to school at least in the same place together. When business was secured, all children were relocated to the same place. So we did adapt to the changing economical climate.

I think times are now different and people's attitudes are also different too. I see people proclaiming that they have a higher "IQ" but their EQ has dropped dramatically. This is also a change in our worldview. Good intentions can sometimes now in this modern informational age to be actually harassing negative, and marginalising. People do not have the same values any more.

One question - you have known your DH 30 years. Given you have young kids, were you children when you met? How did you know each other?

This may be why you are leaving so much unsaid - to you, it doesn't need to be said as you got to know DH so long ago and as a youth. But be aware this will look like "gaps" in your explanation to outside people.

I have not had time to read the whole thread, so this may have been brought up in detail already, but the choice for one person to financially support the other, whichever way round, is a perfectly valid choice for a couple if they are happy with it and it works, and I don't see why it should necessarily be a problem, as long as it is a choice for both people and not expected or imposed. It isn't old fashioned (unless is IS expected or imposed), it's the way some people choose to manage their lives.

But this does not have to mean the wife is one being supported. In my case I am both the sole breadwinner and also the organiser of the care and education for our special needs DS, but am completely supported in my roles by my DH, without whom I could not fulfil these roles. He can be wherever someone is needed, whenever they are needed for our DS, can be available for anything that needs doing, does the shopping, cooking etc at home. Also the accounts, tax returns etc etc. Without someone to be reliably available to do all these things, I would not be able to do what I do. I may technically earn the money but it is an equal partnership keeping the family going. It's not about our genders, it is about two individuals playing the roles that work for them in running their lives and that of a family. No-one is superior or wants to be.