Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

I've read the whole thread through and OP you clearly weren't expecting the analysis of your relationship and the power dynamic you received. But you have taken it all on the chin in a good natured way.
My only contribution is to point out that your daughters can both train as a solicitor and be married with children! It is not either/or.
Enjoy your time at home.

Thankyou keatsiepie - I think that's the point I have chosen this lifestyle .
I'm very fortunate in that even tho I'm not particularly affluent - I come
From a not lavish , but comfortable background .
So if my husband were to turn into a hideous man I would be fine .
As well as that I still do voluntary work and have many skills - so am confident in my ability to find employment .

There is a lot of talk of him turning bad - we have been together as in married 10 years and iv known him nearly 30 . I trust him compleatly x

Op, have you got a pension that will be sufficient to support you should the relationship not last? Would it cover housing?

Kouignamann - good morning .
Your completely right I wasn't expecting it ! .
We do tell our daughters they can be whatever they wish . The exception is my mother ! But I guess it's common for the odd relative to be a pain in the bum !

Add message | Report | Message poster hercules1 Sat 26-Apr-14 08:39:14
Op, have you got a pension that will be sufficient to support you should the relationship not last? Would it cover housing?

Good morning Hercules
I do have a pension - however I doubt it would cover the housing I'm currently in . But I guess that could be said for many people .
I could always go back to working with my family but if I'm honest I believe my marriage will last. And if it doesn't he appropriately contribute .

I can't control the future more than anyone else .the only insurance I have would be my ability and skills to obtain employment .

Superstar heartbreaker - Hi there . We are comfortable but certainly not super rich ! We have enough on his wage for bills food holidays and to peruse hobbies .
But I do have to consider the budget - but I'm much happier .
Just seen the time must get a move on girls have just reminded me swim lessons start again !
Have a lovely weekend all x

Should just add working in accounts was not super exciting - and the people were very dull - I would not consider them mentally stimulating ! X

It doesn't sound miserable at all, op. My friend does something similar & while not for me, it really works for her!

As long as you are both on board, I don't see any issues.

Blossum123 - I kind of get where you are coming from, in that I am technically "SAH" (although I do my fair share of running DH's business with the admin etc), and we have divided the day to day jobs more "traditionally", in that I tend to do the majority of the cooking, washing and cleaning which we both hate, so we have a cleaner instead and DH tends to do the more heavy jobs, like putting up shelves, chopping firewood etc. It's not that I am incapable of doing it, it's just I can't be arsed DH is more effective at it.

I wouldn't say we have a traditional relationship as such. DH & I have a relationship that works for us.

My relationship with DH, is very different to my best friends relationship with her DH. BF is a high flying barrister and the main wage earner, with long hours and a very high pressured job. Her DH earns considerably less than her with much shorter hours. That works for them. (Wouldn't work for me and DH).

Neither way is wrong or right. It is what works for the people in the relationship. If you are happy and it works, don't justify it. It is no one else's business.

I don't think anyone's been worrying about a traditional division of labour. Posters who don't want that themselves have said 'wouldn't like it but each to their own'. I think it is pretty dubious to take an 'each to their own' attitude towards someone giving control over the decisions to their male partner because he is a man. Yes, the op can make that choice if she wants but I'm surprised that people don't think the very real problems with that shouldn't be pointed out. I think a lot of people are not reading the thread properly and just thinking this is about being criticised for being a SAHM. It isn't it is about concern over someone thinking there are no problems with deferring to the ultimate authority of the man of the house which is not at all a necessary part of being a SAHM or looking after a house or family.

And I do think she's more at risk than other who find themselves in unequal relationships and then leave because what she is doing is accepting that she doesn't matter as much as him and that is the way it should be. She isn't likely to want to leave because of the inequality, perhaps because of the consequences of it one day but not because of the inequality and tbh I think it is quite threatening to her and her daughters' emotional health to actually believe that men are superior like this and that being looked after and looking after your husband means deferring to his natural male authority.

OP a lot of what you've written I agree with.

I never thought I'd end up as a SAHM. I thought I'd be a career woman.

I've seen it as my job to look after the home whilst DH earns the money to run it. That means that even though he works long hours, his time at home is leisure time. Him being able to be fully flexible at work means he has a career he loves and that pays well.

If he couldn't have been flexible he wouldn't have got the job he loved or been able to progress in his career. He loves his work and we both love that our lives are easier than if we both worked.

Now it's crunch time. I'm training in accounting and working longer hours than him. The plan is that I put in the effort he was free to which allowed him to invest in his career.

It's taking a lot of getting used to for both of us. He's having to learn that he can't put work first. He's having to adjust his thinking so he does less hours at work and can take on half the home responsibilities. It's going to take a lot if time for us both to adjust.

Tbh our relationship is now going through a bad patch because change is hard. It's not that either of us don't want to but we both need to learn to think differently. I'm finding it as hard as he is to change.

It would be so much easier for his work to remain the priority because we'd have more leisure time and less stress. Times change though and now my daughter is at senior school I need to fulfill my potential at work.

My aim to to get the best of both worlds, get part qualified, get experience and set up business for myself. For the next 4 years I'll need to devote myself to my career to get there. That means him needing to trim back on his career, less quality time together and more stress. Only time will tell to see how easy this is going to be. ATM, DH is under the illusion he can carry on at work without the need to change. I need to step back, not rescue him and let him fall on his arse so he can see for himself that he can't. That supporting me means he now needs yo compromise on his career, even if it's not to the extremes that I did.

Offred I agree this isn't really about the choice to SAHM or not, but about a power dynamic in a marriage. But I really didn't get a sense from her posts that she thinks her husband is superior to her or is accepting that she doesn't matter as much as he does -- just that choosing to give him more of the decision-making power works for her.

It is a problematic choice given its origins (institutionalized belief in female inferiority, etc.) but I do think some women make this choice without embracing a belief that they are inferior to their husbands. I would respond differently if she 1) felt obligated to do this and/or 2) wasn't happy with it.

Blossum yep MN is addictive! Have a great weekend.

This thread is at total cross purposes.

Just to clarify: one partner working while the other runs the home is a normal, healthy set up that suits thousands of families across the country.

One partner working and making decisions for the other because they both believe that men making decisions is 'traditional', is viewed by most as not normal or healthy.

So all the happy wives who enjoy staying at home have no place on this thread really as it's not about that. Unless they too think that men are best placed to make decisions for the family.

Offred, and now morriszapp, are trying to explain to posters that this thread is not about being a sahm or even about who does what housework but many people don't seem to get this. At least I hope that's the case I.e they've simply misunderstood the thread rather than submit to the will and decision making of the man.

Well the problem is very much that she clearly doesn't believe 'letting her man take the lead' makes her of inferior status, I'm sure other women who make that choice may not believe that either. What I've been trying to say all along is that it seems that she doesn't realise that she's making herself and her view inferior to his because she is currently enjoying the lifestyle and the freedom from responsibility but that's short sighted because the consequences of deferring to your partner because he is a man and that somehow means he is superior can be really awful.

I think it is important to know whether what is going on is normal decision making that she's calling 'letting him take the lead' or whether he really is 'taking the lead' for example did they discuss the ear piercing thing and he felt strongly about it an explained why so she agreed to respect his stronger opinion or did he just veto it without explaining and she decided she didn't even need to know why he felt that way because it could be assumed he had their best interests as a family at heart.

I think it is both too much power and too much responsibility to give someone tbh that man of the household stuff. The benefit of being a couple is that you share and support each other. At one end of the spectrum you have the potential for abuse of the surrendered partner and at the other you have the risk of running the partner who makes all the decisions into the ground with the burden of responsibility. Either way it isn't healthy. I think the op needs to be an adult for the sake of her health, her partner's health and the health of their relationship tbh and I'm absolutely not commenting at all about how they divide the work of running a home, earning money and raising children.

Offred I'm actually really glad you clarified the thread TBH. I had skim read it and didn't look deep enough into the "deference to the DH" because he is superior as a man" idea - which is actually very toxic and unhealthy. I'd actually misunderstood the point of the thread.

Thanks quiet :)

Yes, this:
*Just to clarify: one partner working while the other runs the home is a normal, healthy set up that suits thousands of families across the country.

One partner working and making decisions for the other because they both believe that men making decisions is 'traditional', is viewed by most as not normal or healthy.

So all the happy wives who enjoy staying at home have no place on this thread really as it's not about that. Unless they too think that men are best placed to make decisions for the family.*

I mentioned further back a person I know whose marriage broke up because she toyed with this a while but then it went too far. Her DH got used to it and while she thought it was a choice, she found he became uncomfortable with her standing up to him when she did want something. Unfortunately they split. I hope the OP won't find this happens further down the line.

One of my warning signs from this thread (in spite of OPs protests that her choice does NOT impact on her daughters' expectations of male control) was the age the DH has control over small matters with the children - ear piercing would happen when they were 16. To expect them not to have their own opinion on that until 16 is unrealistic and does suggest an expectation of extended childhood: to put it plainly, they WILL have their own opinion on their ears before that, and at 16 are perfectly capable of making a choice.
Right now, that's for the parents to decide... but when those girls hit teenage years, will there be a discussion or a row, or a secret? If the children want their ears pierced but have always seen mum defer, they might not know how to have a 'grown up' discussion (I'm 14, I just want to wear studs, I will clean the piercing myself etc') because they haven't seen that before - so might have a counterproductive tantrum, be resentful ... or sneak off and do it!

One of my parents had to have help about being too controlling/anger management with regards to women/girls - they are from another culture where children are 'seen and not heard', only high grades in maths/science are valued - and 'smacking' is seen as too mild, and women dress/behave in a serious, non-sexual demeanor. Thankfully they were well aware this was not ideal, but it's very hard to fight what you absorb as a child and it led to some issues in my childhood (and teenage years - up to 16 'child' no fashion/boys, after 16 'woman' 'when you marrying?'... nature doesn't work like that).
I mention this not as baggage but as 1 evidence that children (in this case my parent) are sponges, and they learn by 'modelling': this kind parent struggled because they had grown up with a certain thing: being 'gobby' doesn't mean the girls will automatically pick up 'how to discuss with loved man' skills and 2 as an intro to the example below- ear piercing - and what happens when a parent thinks a girl will (especially if they're used to girls/women being placid) obey like a child till the age of 16.

Even that parent (who was dead against ear piercing) conceded that controlling SUCH small matters like that until their daughters (because we were daughters, culturally there was a difference) were 16. By that age, they may well decide to walk themselves down to Claires Accessories and do it themselves!
Even so, it was one of many small avoidable dramas ... treat wife like 'wifey' and daughters either become MEGA stroppy or deferential (and resentful).

I'd actually misunderstood the point of the thread.

I think offred has, actually. OP has clarified her stance over & over & offred has barged in with her version of a relationships she knows NOTHING about.

She has been like a dog with a bone & I would be surprised if op comes back. It is NOT up to offred to clarify anything, that's the ops job!!

Well yes but she hasn't clarified it at all. That's why I've been like a dog with a bone. I still don't know what she means by 'letting him take the lead' and traditional. The issue is she was getting uncomfortable with the dissection of her relationship but she wants to talk to people who are in the same situation.

The most basic expectation is therefore surely that she explains what her actual situation is. She may then find some like minded people to discuss things with but equally because it's a public forum with a feminist leaning, if she really is deferring to male authority just because she happens to have needed a rest and be enjoying the lifestyle then I think it's pretty fair to see if she's understood the consequences since I think it is pretty clearly understood in the modern day that men are not in any way superior to women and that there were terrible consequences for women (and children) in the past when that was a common belief.

Squizita- excellent post.

Not because people don't want her to have choice but because they do and they are concerned for her and her dds.