Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

From what I've read on this thread, the OP mostly wanted people just to agree with her, and chat about how nice it all us, which, on a public message board, is naive.

Hi there offred . I don't see men being superior .I like my lifestyle and it won't be changing any time soon

Add message | Report | Message poster Offred Sat 26-Apr-14 11:47:42
Not because people don't want her to have choice but because they do and they are concerned for her and her dds.

But iv made my choice - my husband would as happily pay for a cleaner . I have no intension of changing -

Sorry, op, I still am unsure them of what makes your relationship different to any other sahp. I think the housework thing, as you don't work, is to some irrelevant but the decision making not. Healthy relationships work by negotiation, joint decision making, listening, compromise etc all of which you appear in many ways to have. So how exactly is your relationship different from, say mine (who works where aside)?

I meant to say "to some extent".

Offred I agree this isn't really about the choice to SAHM or not, but about a power dynamic in a marriage. But I really didn't get a sense from her posts that she thinks her husband is superior to her or is accepting that she doesn't matter as much as he does -- just that choosing to give him more of the decision-making power works for her.

It is a problematic choice given its origins (institutionalized belief in female inferiority, etc.) but I do think some women make this choice without embracing a belief that they are inferior to their husbands. I would respond differently if she 1) felt obligated to do this and/or 2) wasn't happy with it.

Blossum yep MN is addictive! Have a great weekend.
Thankyou that's is exactly what I have been trying , but clearly unsuccessfully!, been trying to say x

Could you answer what it is you mean by 'taking the lead' and 'traditional'? Just for clarity because it is hard to understand whether or not I share a similar lifestyle/philosophy with you or not.

When there are decisions to be made; do you discuss it, whoever has a strong opinion explains their position and if it can be reasonably justified whoever has an opinion which is not as strong support the one who has a strong view? Or is it that there is an assumption that he will make all the decisions on his own because he has your best interests at heart and that if you have a particularly strong feeling that you don't agree then he may make changes at his discretion?

It is a slightly different thing to feeling men are actually superior. If it is the latter choice then feeling men are not superior is a little more likely to lead to unhappiness for the op because in practice in this choice she is accepting that men are superior.

We have a tradition set up. It was in fact my suggestion in the first place and I am thoroughly happy with my role and so is he.

Op, I realise you want to be "teenagerish" but would you mind using " s when quoting other posts. It is difficult to follow what you are saying and what you are quoting others are saying.

*traditional, even!

I don't want to sound nasty but woman who's husbands have been abusive in the past and forced a lifestyle on them is not going to make me change.

I actually didn't realise mumsnet was so feminist based .
I aren't the traditional feminists cup of tea as they see me as " letting the side down "
I really couldn't care less tho .im living how it suits me . I don't need to be taught a better way .
I haven't put as much energy into explaining my relationship as some have asking questions - this is because iv heard the opinions and have no intension of changing . It's my choice I'm happy for my husband to take the lead . I don't need to explain the ins and outs of it all .
Unfortunately this post has only furthered my belief that feminists only care about the cause they are fighting for not the individual's choice .
I have no intension of asking other people to change they can live as they wish - but I will be. Doing the same . Because the only person who has to live my life is me .

I wanna break free and say this. Yes dear OP. I am SUPER JEALOUS !

There is a part of me that wants to connect to some kind of female collective consciousness, but if the collective consciousness now has deviated and start to perverse what I think is natural to a woman, then I really wanna kick ass and tell others to "bog off".

this post has only furthered my belief that feminists only care about the cause they are fighting for not the individual's choice .

Then I think you don't really understand what feminism is about. It is about choice - but informed choice, and not everyone here is convinced you're fully informed about the choices you've made. You think you are, so good luck.

Sorry, op, I still am unsure them of what makes your relationship different to any other sahp. I think the housework thing, as you don't work, is to some irrelevant but the decision making not. Healthy relationships work by negotiation, joint decision making, listening, compromise etc all of which you appear in many ways to have. So how exactly is your relationship different from, say mine (who works where aside)?

Hercules that what I was asking but OP couldn't answer it. I can't see what's different either. They consult on important decisions, take each other's view into account, etc. Both are happy with their roles, it works for them. It really seems like an ordinary set up, I can't see the 'takes the lead' bit at all.

Teenagerish ?! Is this in reference to my obviously dire mistake in using text talk ?!
There seems to be a lot of unwritten rules on here .
You can have your choice as long as the feminists agree - I take it this now extends to my spelling punctuation ?!
I'm sure such a group of articulate woman would be able to work it out - unless of course pointing out mistakes is a mumsnet pastime

unless of course pointing out mistakes is a mumsnet pastime

Ah, the innocence.

OP, they have a whole topic dedicated to it. Go have a look at pedants corner.

Or is that pendants' corner?

I'm not sure how anyone can be trying to change your mind if we don't even know what you mean in the first place?

If you really are in the latter situation then people, men and women, will likely warn commonly try and warn against it and try to ensure you've considered it fully that, not believing in male superiority, you are building your life around an assumption of male superiority which it is unnecessary to have if you want to be at home with the children, look after your partner and your house.

They aren't doing that because they want to deny you of your choice. They are doing that because they are concerned that you are denying yourself a right to choose and participate in your relationship as an equal and that can a. Destroy your relationship and b. destroy you as a person.

If you are in the former then you are a SAHM and you've decided to retrain as is common for huge numbers of families up and down the country and you're getting unwanted comments because of the language you are using about 'letting him take the lead' not because there's anything worrying about your family set up.

this post has only furthered my belief that feminists only care about the cause they are fighting for not the individual's choice .

Then I think you don't really understand what feminism is about. It is about choice - but informed choice, and not everyone here is convinced you're fully informed about the choices you've made. You think you are, so good luck.

Are any of us fully informed ? We all live our lives as suits us because we think it's in our best interests
It's not like iv only known him a couple of years, i see the forum is full of posts of woman struggling with unhappiness . I am happy . Just because you can't understand my view doesn't make me ill informed.

Thankyou our marriage has outlived most of our friends . So something is going right

unless of course pointing out mistakes is a mumsnet pastime

Ah, the innocence.

OP, they have a whole topic dedicated to it. Go have a look at pedants corner.

Or is that pendants' corner?

Really ?! Will have to have a look .
I will go try my txt spk out on em and c what they fink ! X

You can have your choice as long as the feminists agree

This is such a cop-out statement.

Nobody's asking you to 'agree' to anything, nor change your position.

You have posted on a discussion board, soliciting opinions. People have given their options on your set-up, as duly requested. Clarification has been sought, and sought again. People have agreed with you, and disagreed.

I, personally, do not see your set-up as desirable, nor agreeable. Because this is a discussion forum, and because you have sought my opinion, I am giving. I am arguing the toss with you.

I am not asking you to change your stance; I am merely challenging you. If you don't like that, then Mumsnet is not the place for you.

Why do people always whine, 'feminists only want people to agree with them?' We don't, necessarily. We simply challenge you on your opinions. If you're so convinced that you're right, then keep coming back to argue, and have the courage of your convictions!

I think I'm right, and so that's what I do.

Add message | Report | Message poster Maisie0 Sat 26-Apr-14 12:17:00
I wanna break free and say this. Yes dear OP. I am SUPER JEALOUS !
There is a part of me that wants to connect to some kind of female collective consciousness, but if the collective consciousness now has deviated and start to perverse what I think is natural to a woman, then I really wanna kick ass and tell others to "bog off".

I'm all for people living as they choose . It's strange that that the people who are meant to be fighting for this are the ones who have a strop and say I'm miss informed when I live as i please - I'm to polite to tell people to bog off but I have to say I could be tempted !

While you're at it, go and post on the feminist board about giving sex in return for food and beer. That'll go down well

i see the forum is full of posts of woman struggling with unhappiness

Don't read too much into that. Those of us who are perfectly happy, have no need to post asking for advice. :)

Add message | Report | Message poster JapaneseMargaret Sat 26-Apr-14 12:33:45
You can have your choice as long as the feminists agree

This is such a cop-out statement.

Nobody's asking you to 'agree' to anything, nor change your position.

You have posted on a discussion board, soliciting opinions. People have given their options on your set-up, as duly requested. Clarification has been sought, and sought again. People have agreed with you, and disagreed.

I, personally, do not see your set-up as desirable, nor agreeable. Because this is a discussion forum, and because you have sought my opinion, I am giving. I am arguing the toss with you.

I am not asking you to change your stance; I am merely challenging you. If you don't like that, then Mumsnet is not the place for you.

Why do people always whine, 'feminists only want people to agree with them?' We don't, necessarily. We simply challenge you on your opinions. If you're so convinced that you're right, then keep coming back to argue, and have the courage of your convictions!

I think I'm right, and so that's what I do.

I think your wrong but it's not important enough for me to spend time on .
Feminism I believe unfortunately has turned into woman bullying other woman into doing what they think.
Feminists in my experience tend to be more controlling than any man iv known !
I hAve answered numerous questions despite not asking ur opinion .i asked to talk to like minded people - which doesn't include you .

You may challenge me all you like .but please don't think of me ignorant if I choose to ignore you .