Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck, I really need a hand holding tonight.

185 replies

HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:16

Just found out that dh is cheating on me.... He's been out on the lash tonight and yet again he texted to say he's staying up in town. I texted him to ask if he was having an affair, he went all coy on me, pretending he didn't know what I was talking about. But I found his online dating profile on his iPad and his browsing history had searches for 5 star hotels in Dublin. We're not planning to go to Dublin. He's just said he's coming home to talk.... And now I'm shitting myself.

OP posts:
BOFster · 10/04/2014 02:21

Oh love, what a shock- I'm so sorry. What do you need right now?

lalah7 · 10/04/2014 02:22

Hand holding headfairy
what do you mean when you say he went all coy?
what did you find on his profiles?
How long will it take for him to get home?
Questions, questions, questions. .
hope you're ok xx

humblebumble · 10/04/2014 02:25

I am so sorry this is happening.
Does he usually stay away?
Have there been other indications he's been having an affair?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:33

I don't know what I need right now.... My mind's racing. We were supposed to be going on holiday on Saturday to his dad's house in Italy. Poor ds is going to be devastated when I tell him we're not going now Hmm

It's been troubling me for ages that he's lost a lot of weight recently. I do shift work which means I usually work until late in the evening. But the last 6 months I've been on a different pattern so I've been home earlier. Which has meant dh hasn't had to come straight home from work every night. So the last few months he's been coming home quite late a couple of times a week.

He used to have a bit of a reputation for getting unbelievably drunk and passing out in various places but in the past few years since the dcs came along he's been much better. But in the last 6 months he's started reverting to that behaviour. Going out after work and getting so drunk that he misses the last train home.

He did it again tonight. Promised he'd be home by midnight, I woke at 1am to find him not home so I texted him to ask if he'd missed the last train. He finally replied to say yes and that he'd crash in town. My mind started going in to overdrive so I thought I'd have a look on his iPad for any text messages from other people. None there but on his safari there was a page from a dating website. His profile has been up there since October 2010, he says he's 24 (he's 43). I texted him and told him I knew and he pretended he didn't have a clue. So I checked his paid history and there's a search for 5star hotels in Dublin. When I told him that he immediately replied that he was coming home.

I'm assuming he's coming home because he's going to confess Hmm

OP posts:
BOFster · 10/04/2014 02:38

He will probably give it the whole "I was just fantasising" schtick, I suppose. There is a script, apparently.

God, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this Sad

Wurstwitch · 10/04/2014 02:39

Maybe not. He might be coming home because he thinks you need reassurance, and the questions have sobered him up?

It's natural for your mind to race, but you might be wrong.

Can you make a cup of tea and maybe go back and have another look and see if there is anything concrete? He could have been planning a trip to surprise you?

The missing the last bus and crashing in town is shit behaviour, though. And the fact that your sixth sense has been prickling you for a while isn't a good sign.

Deep breath and stay calm x

Wurstwitch · 10/04/2014 02:40

I'm slightly baffled by the 24 thing, though. That's sheer escapism, it would be ridiculous to think that would stand up if he actually wanted to meet a real live woman?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:46

Maybe the online dating thing is just a fantasy thing... I'm not a prude about porn. He would have been unstuck if he did arrange to meet anyone. There's no way he could pass for 24. Lots of women on there have sent him private pictures. That depresses me more than anything.

What scared me was the way he just abruptly said he was coming home. I don't mean scared as in I think he'll hurt me. I mean scared in that I think it means he has something to confess. At first he was quite apologetic "yeah babe, so sorry, missed the last train. I'll crash in town xxx" When I asked about the dating profile he said "I have no idea what you're on about" and finally when I asked about Dublin his reply was just "I'm coming home". It's 2am, to get home he'll have to get a cab. If he's in Central London that's at least £60. It must be something serious Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:49

The dating profile was set up in oct 2010, when dd was 10 months old. She didn't sleep for the first two years of her life and I was a zombie, up with her most of the night and doing 12 hour shifts at night. That must have been when it started.

He's never been very secretive about things. I know all his passwords and PIN numbers (the ones I know about I guess) I can even log in to his hotmail account.

I did find some dodgy dating site emails on his phone once and he reassured me they were spam. I guess they weren't Hmm

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 10/04/2014 02:55

How awful. Looks like you're in for a long night. I hope he has the decency to come home quickly.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:58

He's just texted to say he might be some time as he has to fund (find??? Was that a typo perhaps) his way home and he left his house keys at the office. I might be over thinking but that sounds like to me that he never intended to come home tonight.

OP posts:
Wurstwitch · 10/04/2014 03:04

Why does he need his house keys?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:08

I guess to get in the front door.

He has started texting saying nothing is going on now.

OP posts:
BOFster · 10/04/2014 03:09

Well, quite.

BOFster · 10/04/2014 03:09

Presumably he knows you would open the door?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:10

I would. Maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:11

He says the website is not a dating website. It's called socialconnect.net. He has out that he's looking for kinky chat on his profile, but that was 4 years ago. Who knows what has changed?

OP posts:
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 10/04/2014 03:14

Hand hold and sending you support. I'm up feeding my 9 week old baby and can't get back to sleep. I found out my 'D'H was cheating last night and he's now left me for her. We have three young children and I'm devastated.

I hope that you have a much happier outcome than me. Regardless the support I've received here has been amazing so keep posting.

Featherbag · 10/04/2014 03:15

Do you want to talk to him if he's been drinking? It sounds like there's a big talk to be had, I'd want us both sober for it.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:17

Oh shocked... Hmm That's awful. I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
BOFster · 10/04/2014 03:19

Socialconnect.net isn't an active website.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:22

Featherbag, he's denying everything now. He says Dublin was a surprise for me, but you would say that if you were covering your tracks.

It was the sudden change from "babe, I can't get home, so sorry, crashing in town...." Etc etc to "I'm coming home" that chilled me. That's what made me think something's up.

If he denies it all I can't really do anything. Other than the dating site I don't have any proof of anything. But my gut is yelling at me. The weight loss, the going out every week after never going out. Working late every night when I'm not working (and therefore around to look after the kids)

Maybe I am putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5... I don't know what to think any more Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:23

BOF he's had messages sent to his inbox within the last couple of hours. How could that happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 03:24

Fuck. I'm a clutz. I just accidentally logged out of the website. Fortunately I have a screen shot of his profile page.

OP posts:
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 10/04/2014 03:24

Thanks. It's been a horrendous 24 hours and the image of my husband, my life, my future has been smashed. To top it off he is behaving abysmally towards me. But I'm still here, carrying on. Whatever happens you will get through it. There are good men out there and I hope yours is one if them and nothing like mine.

Gather yourself while you wait and think about what you want to ask him. Has he been secretive with his phone recently? My DH was and that's how he got caught in the end.