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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck, I really need a hand holding tonight.

185 replies

HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:16

Just found out that dh is cheating on me.... He's been out on the lash tonight and yet again he texted to say he's staying up in town. I texted him to ask if he was having an affair, he went all coy on me, pretending he didn't know what I was talking about. But I found his online dating profile on his iPad and his browsing history had searches for 5 star hotels in Dublin. We're not planning to go to Dublin. He's just said he's coming home to talk.... And now I'm shitting myself.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 10/04/2014 21:16

AF, she explained that what she thought was the dating site was the FB group thing.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:19

is there an explainable difference then, bm ?

is any of this ok ?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:19

Yeah, I know what I posted AF, I have corrected a few if those things throughout the thread. I was in shock last night.

Yes he was out on the lash again, he's an arse for that.

I thought he was cheating on me. I haven't been able to confirm either way, but given our conversations I'm inclined to think probably he hasn't. His late nights out (probably 4 really late ones, twice a week or so he's missed the kids bedtime but been home by 8-8.30) are I think him struggling to cope with work. But again I could be wrong. I'm not going to throw everything away on a hunch. I need hard proof. I'll keep looking for it. It might not exist because he may be telling the truth.

It wasn't a dating profile, it's a pervy FB group where people put pics up and score people on attractiveness - some out up pics of their genitals. They are quite clearly sad fuckers - h is one of them. I've spent a lot of time looking at that group today.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:21

Don't think I don't appreciate everything that everyone posts btw... Even if it's at odds with what I'm thinking. It's all perspective, which is what I need right now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:23

Do people post pics of their genitals and it goes no further then ?

Just that

here is my cock

yeah, 2/10 it's a bit on the ugly side mate

next

no other interaction of a sexual nature ? Really ?

this is forgiveable within a monogamous relationship ?

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:24

I will say again, OP. You sound lovely. Your partner, not so much.

TheNewSchmoo · 10/04/2014 21:25

My Mum was awful to me, just awful. We've been NC for over 20 years. I don't buy "you learn how to be a parent from your parents", I'm 42 and know what she did was wrong. It has done the total opposite and shown me that the way she acted is never a way I want to.

I could behave like an arsehole and blame it all on my poor upbringing, but as an adult I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

He has a very convenient excuse for his frankly appalling behaviour, which he can wheel out whenever required to garner your sympathy. His behaviour, the cheating (emotionally or otherwise), lurid Web searches and sending cock pics is inexcusable and utterly disrespectful of you.

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2014 21:26

Im impressed with how you arw handling this

Handywoman · 10/04/2014 21:30

What I want to know is what is he doing about all this?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:35

AF I'm sure you're right. I bet tons of people take it further. To be brutally honest I think h is a bit too chicken shit to take it further. It was a bit of a thrill at a time when our sex life wasn't as active as before. Yes he's a twat for that. And it is really disrespectful.

No "but" from me on that one. I'm not going to disagree with the fact he's been a twat.

I won't however throw away a relationship at the first sign of trouble without any hard evidence he's cheated. That would be shit for my kids, for me. For everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:37

Handywoman.. He's deleted the Facebook group. I think we also need some kind of counselling.

For those with experience... Are Relate any good? Is there anywhere else that does relationship counselling? I can only think of relate.

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AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:39

If you don't consider the interactive nature of what he has done (or at least what you currently have proof of) to be cheating, that is your choice to make, of course

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:41

OP, why do you need counselling ? Have you been putting your genitals on the internet for all comers to perv over ?

There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing "wrong" with him

He exercised free choice to do this

inhibernation · 10/04/2014 21:44

I think your h may benefit from 1:1 counselling before you try couples counselling. Google accredited ones in your area and phone them for a chat to get a feel for them.
That's what I did.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:45

I haven't done anything wrong, no . But clearly there's something wrong in this marriage. I think counselling will help fix that, or at least help us decide if it can be fixed or if it's even worth fixing.

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inhibernation · 10/04/2014 21:47

AF I do think counselling can be good for men who put their lives in lots of separate boxes whilst pretending that all is well. In my mind they have list their identity along the way.

inhibernation · 10/04/2014 21:48

lost

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:49

What makes you think there is something wrong with your marriage ? Because your husband is seeking sex outside of it ? Think again. All that means is that there is something wrong with his respect for you, his respect for his marriage and his sense of entitlement. Stop taking blame for his inadequacy.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:51

inhib...so why does OP need counselling then ?

did you mean so she can explore why she settles for so little ?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:58

My feelings about counselling are similar to inhib's... And yes AF, maybe it will make me realise/accept that perhaps I'm settling for something I don't deserve. Maybe it'll mean h opens up to me more instead of getting his kicks putting pictures of his knob on FB?

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AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 22:01

I wish you well

inhibernation · 10/04/2014 22:02

I guess she is the best judge of whether it might be helpful. I found it helpful because I got something out of seeing him squirm and face up to the fake existence he'd created - but also start to feel hopeful when I saw the real him re-emerge.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 10/04/2014 22:06

Shock just came back for an update and shocked that you have now relinquished your dp of all responsibility for his actions .

This is a grown adult!

More fool you! Good luck , your gonna need it!

BOFster · 10/04/2014 22:17

I think you are bending over backwards to be understanding of him- just make sure he puts the same effort in to put this right; you ARE a lovely woman, and you deserve to be respected. I really hope this all works out too Flowers.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 22:21

I haven't relinquished responsibility for his behaviour. He's still very much responsible. That's why I think counselling will help him. I think I'm pretty damned perfect, he clearly has shortcomings. Big ones. But when I commit to something I commit, and I'm not going to give up without giving him the chance to redeem himself, that's just not me. Maybe that makes me a fool, I think it makes me compassionate.

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