Hi there... Sorry for taking so long to update.
We didn't have a massive talk last night as he didn't get home until 5.30 am and we both had to be up at 7am.
He swears he's not having an affair but he has been hiding from me how bad work has got for him. The drinking is to do with that. He's not at risk of losing his job but he hates his job and it's massively stressful for him. He also broke down when I said I thought he was distancing himself from us as a family. He feels he's really failing as a father.
This has been a theme throughout our relationship. His shitty excuse of a father walked out on them when he was ten and didn't look back - had no contact with him for 15 years. He even walked past dh a couple of times in his home town and didn't recognise him. So dh has always put pressure on himself to be super dad but like everyone else he loses it with the kids occasionally. He's been beating himself up massively about how he gets angry at the kids and shouts. He takes himself off for long bike rides just to get away from them.
We talked about us getting some help as a family. I wouldn't know where to start looking. We need someone to help dh see that not everything has to be a shouting match. He basically needs to learn the MN mantra "choose your battles" because at the moment he's fighting them all and it's making him miserable.
Part of me thinks he should just grow a pair, but his crappy relationship with his dad has had a really big impact on him, bigger than I think he realises.
The dating website.... I misinterpreted what it was. It's a Facebook thing. Basically people upload pictures of themselves and other users vote on how that person looks. I've had quite a long look at it today. There are private pictures, lots of women have uploaded close ups of their fannies, he had put a couple of cock pictures on. I think it was really a case of boredom and titillation.
That's not to say I'm happy about it, I've asked him to close his profile. I don't mind him looking at porn - that's just pure fantasy - but this was a bit too real. I don't doubt that if someone really wanted to hook up with someone they'd seen on there it would be relatively easy.
We need to do a lot more talking. He needs to do something about work - several of his colleagues have been signed off for stress, and I need to either find him a book or a guide or some kind of counselling to help him feel more in control as a parent and to not continually shout at the kids and then feel like a massive failure.