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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck, I really need a hand holding tonight.

185 replies

HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:16

Just found out that dh is cheating on me.... He's been out on the lash tonight and yet again he texted to say he's staying up in town. I texted him to ask if he was having an affair, he went all coy on me, pretending he didn't know what I was talking about. But I found his online dating profile on his iPad and his browsing history had searches for 5 star hotels in Dublin. We're not planning to go to Dublin. He's just said he's coming home to talk.... And now I'm shitting myself.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 10/04/2014 17:02

So there are two totally unconnected explanations? He's stayed out late trying to relax because work is stressful at the moment and he's exchanged photos of genitals with other people for reasons unknown?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/04/2014 17:03

OP, show him the door. He sounds like a fuckwit.

EvaBeaversProtege · 10/04/2014 17:06

If my dh had pix of his knob on FB he'd be packing his bags.

You're a bigger/better woman than me to let this go.

coppertop · 10/04/2014 17:08

So he's managed to turn it all around so that he's the poor helpless victim and you're the one looking around for ways to help him.

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2014 17:11

Headfairy, sorry youre going through this x

notapizzaeater · 10/04/2014 17:13

I'd be watching him like a hawk and hunting now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 17:14

He's posted cock pictures online linked to his Facebook account? You realise that will never go away don't you? There are sites that collate people's online presence. Search his name in quotation marks and have a rummage...

whatdoesittake48 · 10/04/2014 17:14

Why do you need to find him help? he needs to take care of this himself. he isn't your responsibility. if he really cares enough he will sort this out with your support. But don't do it for him.

Coconutty · 10/04/2014 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 17:46

I'm really not ok about the pictures... That's why he's deleted them. He didn't send them, he uploaded them to his profile on this Facebook group. He's an idiot, he knows. He's a long way from forgiven but at least we're talking.

I think he does need some kind of counselling, maybe Relate , maybe something else. He's just not equipped to deal with things like this. He comes from a weird cold family where no one talks about things. He just doesn't know how to open up. He only found out last year that his shit of a father beat his mother up. He has a half brother he's never met, he just buries his head in the sand.

OP posts:
BOFster · 10/04/2014 18:07

At least you are talking, that's something.

Darkesteyes · 10/04/2014 18:12

He uploaded cock pictures on to fb And this is the behaviour of a 43 year old man? Confused Ive thought for a long time that I was born in the wrong era and shit like this just rubber stamps it

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 18:24

Thanks BOF. There's not much good about this but that is a big improvement.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 18:39

Dear God

His father was a fuck up, so this excuses him uploading (but not sending ...eh ?) cock pictures to share on some skanky "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" site ?

You still have respect for this man ?

Your bar is set far, far too low

What does he need counselling for ? How not to shout at your kids, disrespect your wife, browse other women's vaginas and show your dick to strangers ?

I could write the answers to that on the back of a stamp.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 18:41

AF it doesn't excuse him but it does explain his behaviour.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 18:44

Explain ? No, it doesn't.

CarryOnDancing · 10/04/2014 18:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you really need to find your self esteem and have a chat with it to see why you you are so accepting of all this.

What was his excuse for the hotel search?

I can't help but feel he's done a number on you. Basically what has been established in your relationship is that he has a found a "one excuse covers all" get out of jail free card. All he has to do is mention his Dad and you will appear with a broom and carpet.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 18:50

It really doesn't explain his behaviour.

CarryOnDancing · 10/04/2014 18:50

...and a self help book Hmm

bruha · 10/04/2014 19:05

Op don't feel like you have to justify your interpretation of events to the resident "he's a man therefore a bastard" people.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 10/04/2014 19:09

op what a hideous time/situation.

AF is right I'm afraid. I think he has manoeuvred himself in to the position of victim here. He is not.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 10/04/2014 19:11

bruha have you actually read the thread?

Or just see a poster you don't like?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 19:18

Bruha... That's ok. I've been here a while and know the score. All the LTB types are a big help too. I am prepared to give him a chance because unlike anyone else on here I know him and have done for 13 years. But it is good to hear all takes on it.

I think a shitty upbringing is a valid excuse to be honest. Of course some people are stronger and become amazing people despite their crap upbringing. My mum had an abusive alcoholic father and she's been through a lot but is an amazing person. I think h needs more work but he's not a lost cause IMO.

His excuse for the Dublin search is that he wanted to arrange a weekend away for us. Now I reckon about 50% of the people on here would say "yeah, he would say that". Again, I'm prepared to accept that as the truth but he knows that I've taken a massive leap of faith and he needs to live up to that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 19:42

bruha

you are justifying the behaviour of OP's partner then ?

just to be clear

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 19:45

OP, you sound lovely

Can't you do better than this?

(that is a rhetorical question... anyone can do better than this)

I don't see the connection between a poor upbringing (I had one of those) and a lack of moral compass.